I just wanted to be free
I don’t want to be tied to a pill every day
Several pills that is...
I want to know my feelings are my own
I want to react naturally to life
I want to drink without interactions
I want to feel desire
I want to feel lust
I want to feel human
I don’t want to be sick
I don’t want to have an eating disorder
I don’t want to have OCD
I don’t want to have depression
I don’t want to have anxiety
I don’t want to have panic
I don’t want to have mania
I don’t want to have bipolar disorder
Or whatever the **** they think is wrong with me this week
Honestly at this point
I just kinda want to throw out the pills
Have a bottle or two of wine
And see what happens

It's a fascinating experience indeed
To know you're unbalanced
To know there's something wrong
To be really very confident
and to have red flags waving
But people are easily fooled
So you enjoy your high
Knowing you should listen to your therapist
Knowing she's absolutely right to worry
Knowing you'll disregard every one of her warnings
Knowing you'll lie over and over again
Because you want to be free
From the ******* of the pills
You just have to know
If they're what's ****** you up

I want you out of my mind
I finally am free of you in my life
But you reappear like a ghost haunting my thoughts
A fleeting thought during the day
A moment I would’ve wanted to share with you
A lonely night I touch myself and hate that I think of you
I hate that I miss you
I hate that I loved you
Or whatever I thought was love
You were so wrong for me
You were so damaging to me
But my heart remembers you
And I know I swore I’d never forget you
But all I want now is to forget

This is what ***** me over
Every **** time
I get something wrong in my system
Throws everything off balance
And I just want it to be worse
I know how to fix it
But I don't want to
I want to spiral
It sounds fun

sensitive content



I'm gonna get myself into trouble one of these days
I thought I wanted drinks
Maybe I want pills
I've always been drawn to anything that'll make my head foggy
Pull thick clouds into my mind
Slow my racing heart
Numb my body

I don't always get that
I have my various ways
I could easily ruin my life with drugs
It's enticing
Something better than having to live
Not without its own pains
But at least sometimes they'd go away

And it's then that I find myself
Wrapped in a foggy bliss
Nearly unable to move
Can't think
Barely breathing
And that's how I like it
I almost thought I'd die
The thought didn't seem to bother me
Not with my system flooded
With whatever it is I've decided to take
No... there's a kind of peace in deciding
You have nothing left to lose

I do enjoy a good sedative
Something to calm the nerves
A drink, a pill, the other pill
Whatever
Anything for a trance state
Unnaturally relaxed
Mm a little buzz... an escape...
Something to get me out of my mind for a bit

God wine drunk is ******* ideal

I survived to 21
Where I can finally get a nice buzz in peace
So here’s to whatever the **** is next
At least I won’t have to do it sober

She hates herself
Everything about her makes her cringe and cry
So she climbs inside a bottle
And tries to drown

Do you ever just hate yourself and your body and your whole being that you just want to crawl out of your skin but you can’t so you desperately want to self medicate and can’t do that either and the only relief you can find is by punishing yourself by cutting your own skin and you get this sense of well being from nursing your wounds like maybe you actually can be put back together?

I have a strong tendency to spiral
One drink and I have to have more
Then it’s better
Then it’s worse
Sleep... then it’s worse
And I need another drink...
Mood plummets
Thoughts get loud
Medicine becomes fog in my mind
And I crave blood

25 days to 21
Then maybe I’ll get a bit of peace

tw suicidal thoughts



As a child
I used to fear
Falling asleep
And never waking up

But now
I think about it
And it seems
An exquisite mercy

I feel safe in the night
Surrounded in darkness and a cozy blanket
Dogs sleeping soundly
The world is my room
And it’s all only mine

No one will open the door
They’re all also themselves
And I can finally breathe
With the weight of the day
Of their burdens
Of the household
Of my burdens
Off my shoulders

Genuinely unsure if it matters to anyone that I’m breathing but wotever

Time to ******* act out because if you don’t no one will remember you exist or care that you’re still breathing soooo I guess let’s ******* test it and see how much they care **

tw self harm suicide


Ready to watch my liver fail by 22
lol I know what I’d do
Once it’s unlocked
Freed
Once I can have as much to drink as I want
Honestly I’ll hurt myself

Mmmm... I’d forgotten
How much I really do enjoy alcohol
Not the drink so much...
But the feeling
Intoxication is exquisite
Pleasant, content, peaceful, relaxed....
Mm... maybe I’ll have a bit more

tw suicidal thoughts



There’s no purpose in this life
No joy to be found
Every bit of pleasure is just a reminder
Of how empty this existence is
I’d like to say I still believe
But my faith is failing
My purpose is disappearing
And it would now seem
That the only reason I continue to live
Is because of the hassle it would take to die

when one survives long enough without receiving affection,
one ceases to believe they are worthy of it.

I don’t remember when it was
Sometime in my childhood
In that jumble of hazy memories
When I prayed to God and said,

“Not my mind, Father
“You can have any part of me.
“Do what you will with my body,
“But please don’t take my mind.”

And somehow I knew
Laying there in my bed in the dark
That it was that which I loved the most
The only thing I held above Him

that was precisely what He would take.

I just want to feel loved
I just want to feel loved
I just want to feel loved
I just want to feel loved
I just want to feel loved
Please just let me feel loved

Hmm... these words bring tears to me
What pitiful thoughts to come from the depths of my heart

Worthless
         useless, fat idiot
ha... isn’t that cute how you mean nothing to anyone?
           you’re just so **** stupid
                             please just ******* die already
     90 days? You really haven’t deserved to bleed in 90 days??
                don’t fool yourself, no one will ever love you

All this ****
It’s all inside me
It hasn’t gone anywhere
Maybe the medication hides it
But only for a week or so
It will always return
It’s the only version of me I know

I don’t want to live
I don’t want to be alive
I don’t want to suffer this existence
I don’t want to watch everyone else turn out fine
I don’t want them to watch me wither and fall...

But here I am
Falling, fading, failing
Dying slowly
Day after day
As the hope I once had fails me
And all I see is darkness
Death is inviting
Oh, Merciful God, won’t you let me die?
This is cruel
To leave me like this
Damaged, wounded, suffering
AND YOU WONT EVEN ******* SAY WHY

God, you don’t hear me

Ugh, what raw pleasure I feel
To contradict my upbringing
To scream at what I’ve always believed in
No... I don’t quite mean it...
But I feel it
And I will say absolutely anything
If it gets me to feel


Mm... how exquisite...

All will perish
Under the seething,
callous fright.
The insanity within.

A relentless force,
Though cunning and quiet.
A shadow lies
Awaiting its time

Seethe.
         Seethe.
                 Seethe.

Adrenaline
Excitement
A shiver of thrill.

Ignition
           Ignition
                     Ignition

An ember catches
And sets the world ablaze
But the shadows...
The shadows remain

Destruction
            Destruction
                        Destruction

Everything will fall
As the end draws ever close
None can hide
And none are spared

Wail my name in anguish,
cry out in desperate agony,
shriek through silenced mouths,
and I shall burn your spirit to cinders.

The chasm in my chest won’t fill
It just aches and grows
As more and more of me is lost
In the abyss

And tonight the emptiness is so deep
It’s so strong that nothing feels right
Consistently disappointed
Everything within is lacking
I need something
I can’t say precisely what
But it’s likely it got lost somewhere
Within the chasm

I might pour alcohol into it
See if I can find the bottom somewhere...
I’ll probably end up feeling like ****
But that’s a price I’m glad to pay
If I can be genuinely happy for a few hours
Where I can feel my smiles in my heart
And they aren’t just painted on my face

If I can’t fill it with alcohol
I’ll fill it with blood
Doesn’t really matter how long it’s been
I can cut again
Shock myself into reality
Drag myself out of the fog
I’m not so used to it anymore
It probably won’t take much
Just a few wild slices
A few drops of blood
And a sharp wince
As I realize what I’ve done

I don't really trust anyone
I don't know if I love anyone
My heart is cold and dead
Black and hard
What am I doing??
I'm not getting anywhere
Just falling further behind
Further below
Further away

Show me my demise
And I'll embrace it
With a great sigh of relief

I really don't write poetry
I just let my messy ******* head bleed out
And I guess it produces words

I really don't wanna deal with the hassle
of having to tell my therapist
I cut myself because I got bored

I think my life is slipping through my fingers
and i just dont care

tw self harm



There’s a monster in my head
She ***** every last bit of life from me
Leaving me empty and cold
Then she fills my mind with horrid thoughts
Ideas that should disturb and repulse me

Just give your wrist a little slit

                                  C’mon I know you’re bored

                Feel the sting of the wounds

  You'll feel alive...

But I must keep her caged
I mustn't listen to her lies
Lies...? Maybe....?
I can’t give in
Not yet
70 days is too long to give up
Especially the night before you’ll have help
So tonight
One more night
I keep her at bay
Imprisoned in my mind
But at least my wrist is clean

I don’t want the pills
I don’t want them
I hate this suffering
Existing
I’m so ******* sick of it
It just goes on and on
Steadily getting worse
And I watch everyone figure it out
Steady themselves
Find something to make them happy
But there’s no happiness in me
It’s not there to find
Void
And I would rather feel the sting of a blade
Than to suffer in this empty, broken existence

I’ve danced around it my whole life
Ignoring it
(Trying to anyways...)
Living my life to please it
Coated in a guilt like tar
Whether I do it wrong or right
It won’t leave me
Wounds built into me
Repeatedly burned into my being
And it’s so shallow
It makes no sense
But it was passed to me
It resides within me
A restlessness I’ll never escape
A mantra endlessly repeating

“Your body will never be acceptable”

tw: ummm this is rather sensitive. Read with care


Lol I’m not good
**** mental health
I feel like **** and I love it
Getting every high I can find
Anything for a little dopamine **
I could literally take one more pill
I have them. I just have to take it.
Need permission to take it
And I’d be okay for a little while
Maybe a few weeks
It won’t last but it’s a start
Mmm I feel like self sabotage
Idk. Just for fun
Cause why the **** not??
We both know this isn’t going anywhere
You’re not going anywhere
Lol
You’re not loved
Don’t you ever ******* forget it
You’ve got the mental structure of an addict
And you don’t even care
All your skills are basically useless
You’ll just be another piece of the corporate machine
You won’t make a life for yourself
You won’t be happy eventually
You’ll take drugs until you feel okay
But it’ll never ever be enough
You’ll find someone to ****
And it will leaving you wanting
You’ll make them all turn on you
It won’t be too hard now
Your life is nothing
You are nothing
You’re not dead because you’re a ******* coward
And because you know they’ll cry
Ughhh why would they cry
There’s no loss
No change
I won’t leave much behind
Your lives will be fine
They’ll be fine
It’ll be fine
You’ll be fine
I’m fine
I’m really not okay
I know that
I hear it in the back of my mind
Over and over
The whisper behind the noise
Waiting patiently for a little quiet
And it won’t leave me the **** alone
Just leave me alone ******* it
My head needs to calm down
I’ve gotta calm down
But my body is calm.
Mind is racing but the body feels nothing
Should I be feeling something??
I must’ve made it all up
This isn’t about me
Just some story
A fantasy in my head
Some world where someone else lives
A life more interesting than mine
Even if it hurts her it’s better than nothing
Pain is so ******* easy man
Bleeding is easy
But why
This isn’t in my head
This isn’t mine
It’s not mine
It’s not mine
It’s not mine
It’s not mine
I’m fine
I’m fine
What the ****
I’m fine
Why is this in my head
It’s not right
This isn’t right
****

My heart feels heavy
My pulse burns
My head aches

I want freedom
I want peace
I want love
I feel these so deeply in my being
But I’m so confused
I’m so conflicted
And all those who would’ve helped me have gone
I’ve grown distant from once-trusted mentors
I don’t know where to find answers
Where to find help
Something inside me screams an answer
That I don’t want to hear

Or perhaps rather...
It is a still, small voice

Why does everything decay and fade?
Time touches everything,
A great destructive force
We exist to wither and watch everything fall
Bringing close to our hearts that which will die
We try so hard to create as much life as is lost
But once it is lost, it will not again be found
So we cry and ache and scream out
With a hope that maybe something will hear
And tell us why it is that we must live
Just to watch the world decay

I now know
If I want to feel anxiety in my whole body
Darkness in my heart
Tired in my eyes and limbs
Like putting a scar on my wrist
Just for fun
All I have to do
Is miss a dose

I want to bleed black
To be coated in ink
I want the darkness to show through
To pour out from my veins
For everyone to see

You’ll all know what’s really in me
You’ll see what it is I’m made of
What it is I’ve become
A creature of shadow
And I can’t even remember
When last I knew the light

I just want to be happy
Somehow I know it’s a futile pursuit
So maybe I should just stop trying
But I have this image in my head
A version of myself I want to become
I’m not sure I’ll find her
But I believe she is my identity
She knows the peace of oneness
Wholeness of mind, body, and soul

She’s comfortable in her body
She doesn’t try to hide
Her outfits make her smile
And when she looks in the mirror
She knows precisely who she sees

She has people around her
People who love her
She trusts each one of them
They’re a part of her
And she’s a part of them

She’s restored her relationship with the Almighty
She has confidence in her faith
And knows what she believes
Worship is natural and easy
Her spirit feels at rest

She’s lost her craving for acknowledgment
She knows what she’s worth
Her identity lives within her
Rather than in her praise
She’s no longer tormented by insecurity

She is capable.
She is powerful.
She is beautiful.

And maybe someday

She will be me.

Loneliness is a knife in my chest
It hurts and bleeds

Lol

I’m too ****** up
I’m damaged
I hurt myself
I make it worse
I’m generally ****
And there’s really too much to fix

So yeah...
I get pissy when you tell me
“Oh you’ll find someone...”
And mentioned “when you get married...”
But what if I ******* don’t
How about the reality I’m ******* facing

I’m not pretty enough to have my personality overlooked
****... c’mon I know I’m not pretty at all
I’m entirely emotionally unstable
I’m too defensive to not be a *****
(There’s too much at stake)
I have absolutely no clue how to have a relationship
I don’t know how to talk to people
I don’t know how to meet people
I don’t know how to have fun
And I basically want to die 75% of the time
And maybe I ******* should

There’s really nothing right with me

Alcohol is the embrace I lack tonight
Warming my skin
Calming my nerves
Soothing my soul
As I forget my loneliness
(Which makes itself more apparent as of late)
A little peace
For a little while
Just lull me to sleep
In your sweet, easy comfort

Anxiety ........................ High
Anti-Anxiety Meds .... Taken
Antidepressants ......... Taken
Antihistamines ........... Taken
Lights ........................... Dim
Noise Cancellation ..... On
Music ............................ Loud
Mind ............................. Anywhere else

These songs feel so familiar
These songs feel like death
I remember when I listened before
What they meant to me then
On nights covered in blood
From dozens of self-inflicted wounds
Depression a heavy fog in my head
Suicide in every thought
When my body felt foreign and strange
Nothing mattered
I just wanted it all to end....

So why... why do these songs...
They bring me comfort
I feel safe in their embrace

Perhaps I finally feel heard
I’ve acknowledged what I’ve felt
Accepted its existence
And I feel a bit more welcome
Living in my own mind

Or perhaps... it’s all happening over again

It’s empty
It’s cold
Meaningless void
But at least if I bleed
I know I’m alive
I’m real
I exist
They just don’t want me

tw self harm




If I wasn’t worried about scars...

I... I wouldn’t stop...

I’d go over and over and over again
Pulling the blade across my arm
Everywhere
Use all the space now
Fill it all in
Til there’s nothing left
Nothing untouched
My forearms bleeding and raw...
Because... well...
If I wasn’t worried about scars...
There’d be no reason to stop

tw self harm




I love how the lines look...
Graceful, delicate little things
Running my fingers over them
To prove to myself they’re real

I look damaged...
I look like I’m in pain
Struggling
Suffering
Hurting
Dying...
The lines look like they belong...

But what a neat little trick
To tuck them beneath my watchband
Turn on a smile
And everything’s just fine

tw self harm




I’m so tired...

I just want to bleed

To sit

To let my body go limp

And to let blood

Run

Down

My

W
R
I
S
T
.

.



.





.

tw self harm



I should regret it
I should regret every pull of the blade
Every drop of blood spilt
I should... I should I should...



Why don’t I...?



I wanted to bleed
I accomplished that

I wanted it to hurt
I suppose it likely did...

I wanted red.
I found it.

I wanted peace
So I made it.

tw self harm




God... why did I do that...
one line
You promised it would just be one...
But your sins were many
Your pain so great
It became two... four... twelve... twenty...
It all stings...
And I want to crawl out of my skin

I suddenly feel like dying
Maybe it’s cause I puked up my meds
Drinking too much
Pushing my limits
Maybe I’m lonely
Actually yeah of course I am
I’m empty inside
I could break open my skin
And not even care
So... maybe I’ll just flirt with some boys...
That’ll make it better...

I fall into this place in my head
Eyes closed softly
Letting the world go black
There’s a tightness in my chest
Wrapped around a throbbing pain
My head starts to ache
My entire body crying out for touch
To just be held for a while
I’ll pretend I’m not alone
Just to cope
But I know I lie in solitude
I know there is no one to embrace me
There’s no comfort to come to me
I’m just not enough
I know that...
I really do know...
But it doesn’t mean I can survive alone
It doesn’t mean the darkness will not take me