A bottle,
for your emotions.

Laugh they do,
"Bottling unable-impaired are we."

Deepest, softest, hardest
They cry.
Babbling, roaring waves waterfall into cascading hues.

Hues
A blind eye could see.
Color, color, color feeling
For vestiges of buildings and movie credits.

Bottle, bottle
Not me.

Color feeling instead.

I don’t know what I’m looking for
But I’m looking for something
And I keep ending up back at
“Everything is nothing”
Which means that nothing is something
And the thoughts refuse to stop coming
I know there’s no running

I cant escape being in this ring
Forever feeling like every direction is a haphazard swing
I can’t see a thing
Feeling like society’s puppet on a string
There’s a list I keep, sorta sloppy neat
But God tells me, “take a seat”
I yell back, “that’s no easy feat”

I don’t understand what all of this is for
Life feels like a game, except I can’t score
I can’t open the ****** door
They wanna say, “when life closes a door, it opens a window”
But all I see is a **** show
That’s not to say, I don’t see the beauty in how a river flows
That’s not to say, I don’t see the beauty in how the same river froze
You can tell me I’m dramatic, that I wallow in my throes
And yeah Lil *** told me, “that’s the way life goes”
But I’m fed up with everyone’s prose
I don’t want to believe that’s really how it goes

And so I sit with Robert Frost
At his two roads, curious at how he tells me he’s actually not lost
How it’s not left to the probability of a coin toss
That everyone just wants to be their own boss
Pretending that they aren’t nailed to their own cross

I don’t know what I’m looking for
But I think maybe I’ve been playing the game wrong
That there is no score which could lead to more
All I’ve got is a case of nothing being something
And that’s really nothing more
Than “everything is nothing” for sure.

The aftershocks
Ripple rash anger consuming my frame.

****** duels with metal swords of rage
That slice innocence in half.

Irrational self-destruction,
Showing signs of weak malfunction.
Boiling blood gurgling through my veins.

How do I dare let such a horror rule my weak blackened hands?

Snarling fangs,
Foaming rabid with distain, puncture my brain.
Ripping pride and ego to bloodied shreds.

Failure, weakness, defeat,
Their sharp clawed feet incessantly transfix me.  

Agonizing.
Inflicting purposeful pain,
The need to destroy shall grind me to a pulp.

Evil is ruling a twisted game.
Queen of Hearts.  
King of Spades.

Gnawing at my bones, my tendons snap.
Eyes of fire that could torch one’s soul, encase a beastly rage.
I roar,
Thrashing and afraid.

There is no heartbreak like the heartbreak from loving someone who you can’t fully express it to.
You’re stuck, hanging, dangling from a rope.
Your palms are torn apart from grasping the rope so tightly.
Your fingers, purple from your blood.
Your emotions, blaring loudly cascade over you in flash floods.
Everything around you seems to be falling apart.
And you’re praying the only person you feel that can make it fall back together doesn’t let go of the rope.
Because the cracks in the sidewalk will swallow you whole.
Swallow you over and over until you are dust settled atop tectonic plates.

Everything in over drive
I never felt so alive
Than with you by my side
Stars collided smashingly bright in the dark sky
Every time I shut my eyes, it’s a sparkling dark sea
No one compares to you
I’m so crippled with fear that when I surface you won't be near
Everything in over drive
Your love so intoxicating, asphyxiating
Making it hard to breathe
Your eyes always twinkle like starry night skies
But like I had feared, that twinkle had soon disappeared
Left with an empty, cold stare
Gone with the wind
Burnt out flames
and only ashes remain
Of what had once been.

This empty feeling in me does not want to leave
Refuses to pack its bags
don’t see what it’s trying to achieve
Made a home in me
right in my heart
turned it cold and dark.
I used to run away
                             I was weak
                   I gave in
fell to my knees
I let this darkness overcome and here I lie, broken inside.
The will to fight dissipates
as it     whispers            its convincing
                                                          lies
That here, where broken and empty
reside
Is so much safer than letting myself feel happy inside.
That being this is so low
there is no
                fall or receiving                         blow
I used to run away
      I was weak
                 I gave in
                              fell to my knees.
Now when you come knocking, know that there is no me
I’m gone
this is broken and empty’s home.

a bitter exhaustion grips you by the throat
fear languishes your bones like lead upon your skin
a dark cave dripping numb from within

do i dare to look up again?
do i dare to give my heart as the bargain?
are you gonna break my fall,
or will you tell me you can't handle this all?

i dont want to start new anymore than you
for loving, feels like the flu
but maybe you’re the vaccine
ill take a shot of you, hoping then         i would feel              brand new
tell me, do you feel like this too?

When the months turn cold, my heart turns to stone
When the colors fade, my chest aches
When the wind whispers my name
I shiver and silently beg, "No!"
My eyes flick up to the sky
I watch as the low dark clouds of my nightmares haunt me
I watch
Frozen in time, I choke on my caught screams
I clench my fists to my sides, and close my eyes
I sink into the storm as it surrounds me
I hold tightly on to the memories of you and me
I watch as reds and oranges reach the sky, destroying what little was alive.

Pause, panic, going insane
Sick feelings and chest pain
Sweaty palms and tired eyes
Can barely grip the pen
repeat
repeat no sinking in
Scream
scream inside to tell my brain quit thinking
Questions, sentences, numbers overload, overload I want to quit
Staring at pages, I scold myself to sit
Fight, battle and war till my brain is no more
Praying
praying to God to make it go away
Eating me whole
rush
rush don't stop, you'll never make it to the top
Paralysis
paralysis clenching my fists
They tell you no gain without pain, **** this I'm going insane
Shadows of failure, failure lurking in my mind
No, no stopping keep going
you're losing time
Perfection has a cost, your head is lost.

Caught in a crossfire
confused with desire
electric feelings
dangerous feelings
out of focus, a rush
longing for touch
two paths, which to choose
left or right
stuck in a plight
so very confused about what is right
{}
Hope is foolish and love makes you blind, you seem to be out of time.

You and I
Used to be like two branches intertwined
Now we stand separate as two trees.

How can that be?
To be together, yet feel so lonely?

Two many crows sit in my leaves
My limbs ache
from holding so much weight.

The wind doesn't whisper
It's silent
Like the space in between
You and I.

Somedays I wake up completely haunted
Your presence incessantly daunting
Somedays I wake up with a dead weight on my chest
Unable to breathe
Somedays I wake up with sunshine in my hair
Your memory not there
Somedays I wake up with a wet face
In my dreams, it was you I chased
Somedays I wake up not black or white but all shades of gray
I often am silent through that whole day
Somedays I wake up okay
With nothing to say
Somedays I wake up burned and tattooed black
With your name scrawled across my back
But most days?
Most days, I wake up completely haunted.

Overpowering urges self destruction
numbness c ra cks and reseals
deep
    trenches
cut out
in the shape of your name

The feeling's queasy
somersault through my
twisted veins
blind rage encapsulated by a sad
blackened
frame

Bruises and scars fade
but the        coursing
pain will
forever    remain
a dark
heavy trotting
reign

Horse hooves crater my heart
collision beat
of a marching bands feet

my heart
my heart

is screaming in the dark
the shadow slightly falls

my heart
my heart

Inject your unknowing poison
I feel the sting
as it rips fire to my insides
your hands leave chemical burns
as you squeeze my lungs

I fall to my knees
weakness writhes in numb defeat
pull the tide
hold it in my hands
sending it crashing
to wash over you again

That's when I first tasted the burn of this world
the bitter taster of disappointment
the stabbing of my heart
the waterfalls of sorrow

My eyes have died
their light no longer lives
I shrivel and crumble
with a slow
dull
ache

I do not scream out
destroy my sand castles
burn my bridges
knock my buildings down

dynamite love
dynamite love

I wander with a brain blown to bits
I scavenge every
scrap
          of m u t ilated so-called-love
I am dynamite
          you are matches
all that stood between us
was a wick of string
          and time.

Every memory replays in my head like a symphony
Every kiss, oh no, I couldn't tell you how much I miss
Every word expressed circles my fingers and arms in a dark red distressed
Every slow movement shadows my world
I close my eyes, oh my, oh my, touch me slightly
Softly the sun dances across my skin exactly where your fingers should've been
I scream and shout but I'm trapped in you, there's no getting out
I've sunk in, drunk on dark waters incessantly drifting out and in
Knocking at your door, heaven, let me in.

The sunrise burns with fire
just as my desire
I wish I could erase you from my mind
I wish to forget you this time
empty stare windowing wishes of being there
I've met my tolerance for this pain
I'm losing the game, slowly running insane
I'm sinking down, waiting for the black water to crown
This is going so slow, this descent of a new low
I wish I could erase you from my mind
I wish to forget you this time
stomach ache, smiles that I fake
rewind time with my mind, so I know you not to find
wishing well of forgetting spells enraptures my skull
I will not give in to your lull, repeat this defeat
scar it in again
I wish I could erase you from my mind
I wish to forget you this time
You're forgetting me as I reminisce you
that much is true
I'm sick of staring at the same black hue
twisted heart and scared hands
I was your biggest ******* fan
now I've seen your future plan
I wish I could erase you from my mind
I wish to forget you this time
maybe it's the truth
that I was meant for you but you weren't good for me
You poisoned the sea and now all that's left is fractures of that huge fee
cracked heart of stone
I'm tired of listening to the same old tone
I wish I could erase you from my mind
I wish to forget you this time
I need to give it up
You'll never be mine
Shattered
shattered I'm sick of thinking I never mattered
make it stop, make it go away
I don't want to go on another day
this is going to slow, this descent of a new low
I wish I could erase you from my mind
I wish to forget you this time.

I'm tired of these ghosts of which I hold so close
I'm sick of having them hover so near
I want them to disappear
White and black shifting shadows
Circles that breathe in and out
I want to shout and release, but with them comes no ease
They are reaching into my skull with their bony fingers
They grasp on to my train of thought, I can't even say I fought
stabs across my skin

    signals from my nervous system

Dice up my heart and feed it to the shadows
I'm tired of these ghosts of which I hold so close
They whisper my name constantly beating me insane
I swear I'm mad, because sometimes it makes me glad
twisted and knotted in my veins they cackle inside my brain

Sometimes we're friends and the fun never ends
we sit together in gray weather
dredged with darkness I whisper your name
I turn it over on my tongue
waiting and        wishing                    becoming so much more
                                                            ­                                          numb
Days seep into nights
switch off the lights in my head
put myself to bed
Say goodnight and close your eyes so you don't see the shadowed demons and where they hide
because in your head is where they reside
I'm so tired of these ghosts of which I hold so close.

Loving drugged me, so suddenly
I couldn’t tell if you made it rainy or sunny
But keep talking sweet like that, hunny.
Cause I’m tired and hungry
Feigning like a heartbroken ******
Loving drugged me, so suddenly
Now I’m a heartbroken ******.

I'm stuck in an in-between
and it seems to me
that to be in the middle
of an emotion
of a fear
is more tantalizing
than the engulfment of a solid knowing

I'm stuck in an in-between
and it's paralyzing me
Do I harden the door that sits in the pupil of my eye?
Do I fall to my knees?

I'm stuck in an in-between
and there's all this tension seeping out of me
in smothering screams
Do I lessen my grip on your gravity?
or Do I give more of my naivety?

I'm stuck in an in-between
and it's gonna make a black hole out of me.

‪I was just a temporary relief,‬
‪from the places you really wanted to be.
An escape,‬
‪but it never set you free.‬
It turned out to be a place,
that chained you and me.
Only it chained us separately,
confining you and me irreparably.

Foggy glass, disoriented lens
Distant lights, feelings beacon the whirlwind within
Touch, pass, patch up leaky feelings of the past
Smile and laugh what a perfect cover that goes up fast
Feel passionately? Dear god, watch faces become aghast
Shun, make fun, outcast those who express emotions
Oh no, fall in step with typical motions
"Be yourself," they say, "We prefer you that way."
Utter ******* they feed you with, they don't want the real you
They want a smooth perfected version which surely isn't true
Contradicted, inflicted lies, don't fall in it's a vortex of demise
Mindless behavior we all evoke, based off one hell of a joke.

Like lead, you sit on my skin
encapsulating every beat, breath and emotion
My knees weak
My eyes swollen shut
Everywhere I turn something of you interrupts

The rapid fluttering in my chest
the tight heaving breaths

My mind clamors
every thought
so heavy against my ribcage

Like the poison you're drowning my veins in
I want to cross out your name
Rip you out from that moment
never to see, feel or hold again

My nerves ache
they scream to be let go