Why am I always like this?
Why can't I just relax and just be?
Here's a secret, a emotion deep and unseen,
I've been fighting the notion to die since I was fourteen
I've been trying to rationalize my own being
I know that giving up won't accomplish anything
But being alone is such a corrosive thing
Tying to suppress the song that the siren sings
I've been carrying this weight so long and struggling
And can't get anyone shift some of the burden from me
How do I cry for help if I'm dizzy from spinning
How long has been since I've been winning
Being stranded at sea barely swimming
So many verses and chapters I've started from the beginning
And it usually works for the first time
Then the thousand cuts come and I'm
Bathing in sea salt and lime
Emotions pivot on a dime
And nobody sees because they have no time.  
So why am I like this? Because no one has shown me otherwise
What it's like to be a part of something instead of being stuck inside my on head going for rides
With my demon in confessional to whom
In pen in paper I confide.
And while it seems for a while I take it in stride
Every single person underestimates the torture I feel inside.

Like a beaten traveler I carry on
The only singer in a chorus that knows one song
My legs move but don't know where they're going
Seared by heat whereever the wind is blowing
Reaching out of help I come under attack
Feeling the weight of many arrow in my back
The earth moves like quicksand at desert seams
No oasis just sun flares and pipe dreams
I thought for a minute others could be salvation
It turned out to be a mirage of expectation
Hell itself is not the enemy
Just a manifestation of my hate and what it means to me
And I move through concentric circles below
In dire need of rescue so I move slow
It's not an energy that can easily be released
I passed the event horizon of this hungry beast
Disintegrating in agony as it feeds
Relaying false messages of what I need
I'm not sure if I'm mad I thought of suicide
Or that I considered for the first time to ride
Being treated like a burden, complainer, annoyance
Met with betrayal, forgotten, and avoidance.
I don't want to be the bad vibes they talk about.
I just needed a friend to help me out.
But I see I need rock bottom to see the devil with my eyes
To break on through to reach my paradise.
To deal with pain and hatred of this size,
I have to find a way to deny my own lies.

Why is it when I ask for help you'd rather be doing something else?
Is it me or the melancholy you think I represent?
If you can't be there tell me, I'll do I it by myself.
Once it falls apart, I'll rebuild and buff out the dents.

If I could
Paint a picture of the darkness in my heart
Could you see it?
A lonely crevasse that strikes
Like lightning where my heart should be?
If I was
A loathsome beggar pleading for mercy
In the city streets
On my hands and knees
Would you give it to me?

There's no medication that can
Dial down this much pain
Calling out to the void
Straining my ears in vain.
Take the liquor down
And hope the skin soon grows thicker.
My heart and soul can't coexist
They just bicker and bicker.
Try quitting smoking but
Something will always nake me drag again
The ship is sinking
And I'm just playing the mandolin.
If it's supposed to get better, then when?
I can't  hear my voice
Over the screaming of all my sins.

Part time friends will leave
When you needed them the most
Without looking back

I avoid pathways that lead directly to my heart
Because they're worn and tattered
Form abuse and neglect
So I quarantined the questions
That lead as turnstiles to these halls
The trust I had to polish these walls
Left with the old management
And therefore I henceforth forsake them
They only lead now to disaster and ruin
Devastation and a poisonous plague
To the rest of my mind
Because the doors were always open
To those who needed it most
They in return used up and defaced
Leaving when I needed them most

I could live forever
if you'd say you'd always love me
but I'm striking out on rations
of your momentary passions.

Whats it be to be handsome?
To have the attention of girls
and then some?
How do I measure self efficacy
when getting a smile
is still a victory?
Should I spend my money
on personal things
or have my wardrobe
bursting at the seams?
Whats the difference between
a lustful stare
and a rejectful laser beam?
Every girl can be hard to get
on welfare
"But there's still someone
for you out there"
Who can see beyond
the mirage at sea
to the core of personality.

If there's nothing
more true than fire,
then why do I feel
the ice consuming *me?

The carts' been put
before the horse again
and now the goods
spill to the floor

Your market shares
have been inflated
and you feel more worthless
than you did before

The black wagon
liquidated the assets
to begin fresh
so you can start over once more

This isn't the bottom
it's an inevitably to the top
apply the failure to the fulcrum
and break through the door.

This once started as a poem
on how I'd get you back.
But the longer I polarized from you
the more my heart turned black.
I thought I could force the pieces to fit
like they were sanguine bonds
when i bled out, I realized
its little more than sweat and spit.
And I ground my limbs down to nubs
trying to fight it
Gradually it came to me that all my effort
was unrequited.
How could i not know i was so alone
when we were together?
Our moods had flown descended
no longer in tandem with the weather.
Your hands felt so good
interlocked with mine
does your new man know
I was someone on the side
or is he in for the same ride?
I might be a thick scab now
slowly, I'll get better.
You'll keep pushing light goes out
but you cant get any deader.
She knows who she is;
no one in an female shell.
She's someone Else's passenger
keeping company as they burn in hell.

Its the kind of despair
that leads a rodeo clown
to sit down and wait
for the bull to come around

Its the kind of fear
that keeps a slave chained
even when the bolts
have been cut and thrown away

Its the kind of regret
that discarding the past
creates a never-ending spiral
of horrors approaching fast

The well is deep and unmerciful
you'll be paid in full
you'd be paid in full

Its ok if it rains
i really wasn't planning
to go outside anyways

despite the stagnant darkness
there's dim light
to be harnessed

this person that I'm mourning
has no express desire
for me to join them

so i wont go out of my way
ill go on until
i get the chance again
to say what i need to say

by then we'll have all the time in the world
but don't mind me if my eyes
are as dry as it is outside

Bolt the locks
destroy the lights
no one who's coming
is still alive
So hold her close
with all your might
cause all the howling
will give her fright
board the windows
keep out of sight
have something near
if you have to fight
when you fade to darkness
it might be alright
just don't tell them
*they're only after you tonight.

As I slide between the sheets
my mind becomes attuned
to the sounds of floorboards
and shutters creaking
The stillness speaks
humming a dark lullaby
of the tune imitating
grinding teeth
Shapes grow in the clothes
Like a chorus of evil eyes
waiting for me to sleep
The fear feeds the ghosts
whom suffered the terror
Ive felt before
My anxiety lifts a moment
when the familiar click of stilettos
saunters past my door
but gravity drops out
in the pit of my soul
the wearer is in the mist
leading leaded steps behind them
and I pray to god
that if hold my breath
long enough
it will quickly put me under
before I make sense
of the cries to come.

With an ear for
sympathetic voices
To gather hands
Who'll hold you up
Claiming ambitions
Outside your birthright
A charming devil
And a magnetic smile
Outlast betrayers
Of your cause
The stairs ascending
Seem never ending
But the price is worth it
Despite the bodies you pile up
Though the empire of borrowed time
Built upon them
Still resides at the base
Of a volatile volcano

Go ahead, take the time
To be ready tonight
It burns on the way down
Burying light
A powdered breakfast
For the nose
To kick start the heart
You know how it goes
The acid is warm
Go and jump on in
Can't detail the trip
Once time bends
Clothes slip away
As she slithers to bed
While the lucky hit the bed sheets
Or are they prey instead?
She might enjoy the tumble
If her head was right
But the mind melts with waves
With no land in sight
Depraved things in the dark
Are simply a chore
Came out heavy handed
With more digits than before
Upon descent
The future approaches fast
She wants to forget
Double up to make it last
The days fade together
Back to where she begins
She knows if she stays oblivious
She won't see how it ends.

A hollow point misses its mark
Rage drowns in a digital sea
If the maw opens
the minds will close
The vacuum of the highest power
threatens disorder
in which time drags
and coin flips have uneven odds
Its a short walk to the gallows
There may be not enough letters left

It deceives the skin
like rain drops crawling
up the windshield.
False flags begin
to handshake the wind.
Low pressure boils the blood
of stymied nerves
moving in parabolic curves.
Follow the lines
of concentric circles
and drive with body and mind
intertwined.
Tune out the fear
so it cant hear you here
float on with the ripples.

The furnace
Nourishes the engine
Enough motivation
To break wind resistance
The baggage has no space
For all the places you've been
While trudging for the pulsing lights
Radiating from the distance
Trying to escape from
The persistent feeling
That all along
You were wrong
A pain so bothersome
It leaves you reeling
To bad vibrations alone
And the weight your bones.
So ascend now
Before you find
What fuels the fire.

Is today the day
you'd put that mask away?
Everyday out
is an evening at the masquerade.
Give your persona a rest
let the anima come out to play.
Then come over here
say all those things you want to say.
Will you take the load off your chest
so that you can stay,
or strap the mask back on
and slowly fade away?

To my own caution
I will never give into mania again
Still recovering from the last high rise
wracked with pain from the bends
Now I'm all alone
keeping zen in my rock garden
Rearranging thoughts
not knowing how long its been
It caught me by surprise
with no room to vent
choking on I Love You
breaking down from the event
'cause the futures fast approaching
with no idea whats been set
in this moment, at my core
while my garden can't grow anything in it.

Quell the somber hunger of the streets
Redundant mornings as time repeats
Agonizing parallel days
Dull marching masses quick to obey
A crooked court with no figure head
Pulling profits to line stomachs instead
Of smiting evil where it lays
While we focus on not wasting away
At event horizons of a creeping void
And remember life can be enjoyed.

It starts with a pin pick of blood
Stomach tightens and
You don't feel so good

The body begins to ache
Lungs start to hyperventilate
Though you try to manually regulate

The heart pounds and races
You clench your hands
Finding cuts in different places

Overwhelming pain sets in
Setting fire to the nerves
To repent for your sins

The limbs are lame and heavy
Broken pulls and levels
Effort makes you hot and sweaty

While life slips away
The mind will mistake
The remaining minutes for days.

Don't you think there's enough
numbers in the phone-book?
My goddess it seems
you let the weeds get out of hand.
A pandemic that finally took hold
and is siphoning the life.
How could anyone starve
with all this meat walking around?
I have a vaccine for this sickness
in a shape of a .45
but it can't fix the problem
with a simple shot in the arm.
You'll understand
when they give me my peace prize
for my generous genocide.
Let me set you free
from this pandemonius depravity.

Back then you were
more alive than dead
Opened up your mind
and took the magic to your head
The dissipating career
plummeting as you give into fear.
And somewhere close by
a comet lights up the night sky
Ice bursting into flames before our eyes.

A jester for moths;
watch the parlor trick
of collecting dust.
The quiet continuum
entertains the thought
of your wasted time.
Split between the nexus
between worlds
A home to a congregation
of Other minds.
Disintegration leads
to a disinterest
of the summation of damnation.
So the penultimate state
of objective solitude
is infected with a judging gaze.

Lesser beings
sliding through slipstreams
A bipedal virus
spreading through the veins

Ignoring the despair in my heat
as though it were the end of days
somnambulist stroll through the streets
evaporating the pouring rain
Hostility of anxious speak
and make for dangerous play
the slipknot swings slowly
cause there's only one letter left in the game
You leaking fuel, it washes over me
If it burns you, quit the autopilot
A dark passenger in your own body
while the psychosomatic symptoms
replicate without restriction
Hazard  shaded within fiction
The mending  when one becomes two
making the most of its superficial quality
If I can ignore the despair in my heart
as though it were the end of days
then in this moment  we know
what its really like to share.

Entangled amongst
the hidden strings
Avoiding threaded paths
lined with torment sweat
Fate turns her head
to my unmitigated suffering
Its punishment for
my pretentions to suit her.
But I fear I'm walking in circles
if I follow the sound of rolling thunder
where the air thickens
and feigns clarity
thus the road seams nearly unending
picking at the stitching near the feet
of a reaper whom sharpens his scythe
only for me.

How do I say i want you
through the reflections?
Could you say you love me
with different inflections?
Ill always follow you
in different directions
If you gave me your heart,
it'll have my protection.

The testament to what I relate
An irrational deformity
in time and space
Arc words cancer with disappointment,
"Do you really wish it was this way?"
A human pentagram
paints the stage
A creeping foreboding afflicting rigor mortis
like something slinking through the darkness
Unknowable, bubbling below the surface.
Pieces of thread unravels from the hand
sinking deeper into hydra waters
until you dissipate in the downpour
and forgo resistance
because you seethe at the stars
yet the beyond cares not
for your existence.

We
were kings
in the realm
of distorted things
Indulging in unmitigated lust that it brings.

She
was queen
A pillar
of strength incarnate
busy pillaging the futures of lesser beings.

The moments I lied
the dreams
the spies
tongues untied
The kingdom crumbled.

Walls I built
Accounts
the cries
threats of love
and roots upended.

Spirals speak before they're worded.
Now the future is in the rear-view.

Wake up in the morning
to a tequila sunrise
to quell the jackhammer in my brain
straining the hell out of my eyes
Getting ready for class
I don't care if I pass
Favorite professor today
I just enjoy her...assets.
Crave to take that teacher
for private lessons in the bleachers
a short skirt to her waist
the way she crosses her legs
She's never gonna make me beg
but holding back is such a waste.
Her lecture of the lips
jealous of the chalk
at her fingertips.
Its difficult to focus on the lesson
when I'm focused on her *******;
If she asks me a question
I just might start confessing.
The way those glasses frame that smile,
I don't think I can stand for a while.
And when we take that test
please don't walk past my desk
or those pheromones might drive me wild.
She knows how to wear those heels
deluding me on how I feel.
I need to go home and have another drink
and spend some time alone
to have another think
cause' now I see her every time blink.
I know, I know, I know
she doesn't feel same way
but she's been searching long and hard
for another Teacher's Aide.

Danger
This woman approaching me
There's evil in her eyes

I know
Her tractor beam of seduction
Caught me by surprise

Caution
Ignore the undertow of lust
To see through her disguise

Falter
And give into her demands
So she can eat me alive

A quick turn to the ether
Will give me the courage to beat her
As a man amongst the swine.

But a ***** pays no heed to daggers
And if I sway or stagger
"Then baby you are mine."

"I wont do you harm
If you submit to my charm"

Its harder to relate
when your life becomes the stage
smoldering like the brightest pyre
to fizzle on a faded page
amongst monsters made of hands
emotions ignite a passion
bent to my reflections demands
in the most maddening fashion.
Calloused hands cant scratch it.
Unglued minds cant fake it.
All you can do is take it,
An hope to god they patch it.
Strung through the fields
where sanity ain't a concept.
Just smile for the audience
and spin it into gold.

Chum floats the pool
encircled by sharks and piranha
a pity, nature's fool
as fearful teeth do their work.
Could they be as bad as I?
Apex predator, Invasive species
where it means to die
as a means to live.
Growth from a spineless cherub
to a spiteful formless entity
possessing a cunning golden scarab
controlling wheels of fortune.
Slaves to our own demands
aren't we antagonists to someone else?
With machinations of wicked plans
to justify righteous intentions.
Hypocrites line the tank
tapping their fingers in rumination
Abandoning morals, faces left blank.

I am not your foil, I am a mirror.

I remember when
we used to straddle the fence
wandering labyrinths
of gated neighborhoods
we didn't live in.
'Cause way back then
the world seemed so big
dancing on the sky
when we used to get so high.
Committing petty sins
with a Cheshire grin
where the weekend was life
and we never planned to die.

Justice* for the meek
   won't come soon
Under skies aligned
   with sinful moons
Neglectful statues
   posing as mothers
Executives commission
   the blood red summer

Venture across the divide
earmarked by three lines

You could know
I jam perpetual engines
when its practical

You shouldn't know
how dreaded the immaterial
at the edge of perception is

You should know
I eat dreams whole
mixed with the tears of children

That observation cant bond
or fix you in this reality
I would know

I'd forgotten what its like
to feel so cold, dark, and formless
Halting my inertia
overwhelming so completely
Hurling through the cosmos
A martyr of my own design
Black hearts decaying into ashes
becoming thralls to the march of time
I know its in there beating
Threatening to spring from my chest
Better to bottle up the pain now
and store it with all the rest?