Why am I always like this?
Why can't I just relax and just be?
Here's a secret, a emotion deep and unseen,
I've been fighting the notion to die since I was fourteen
I've been trying to rationalize my own being
I know that giving up won't accomplish anything
But being alone is such a corrosive thing
Tying to suppress the song that the siren sings
I've been carrying this weight so long and struggling
And can't get anyone shift some of the burden from me
How do I cry for help if I'm dizzy from spinning
How long has been since I've been winning
Being stranded at sea barely swimming
So many verses and chapters I've started from the beginning
And it usually works for the first time
Then the thousand cuts come and I'm
Bathing in sea salt and lime
Emotions pivot on a dime
And nobody sees because they have no time.
So why am I like this? Because no one has shown me otherwise
What it's like to be a part of something instead of being stuck inside my on head going for rides
With my demon in confessional to whom
In pen in paper I confide.
And while it seems for a while I take it in stride
Every single person underestimates the torture I feel inside.
Like a beaten traveler I carry on
The only singer in a chorus that knows one song
My legs move but don't know where they're going
Seared by heat whereever the wind is blowing
Reaching out of help I come under attack
Feeling the weight of many arrow in my back
The earth moves like quicksand at desert seams
No oasis just sun flares and pipe dreams
I thought for a minute others could be salvation
It turned out to be a mirage of expectation
Hell itself is not the enemy
Just a manifestation of my hate and what it means to me
And I move through concentric circles below
In dire need of rescue so I move slow
It's not an energy that can easily be released
I passed the event horizon of this hungry beast
Disintegrating in agony as it feeds
Relaying false messages of what I need
I'm not sure if I'm mad I thought of suicide
Or that I considered for the first time to ride
Being treated like a burden, complainer, annoyance
Met with betrayal, forgotten, and avoidance.
I don't want to be the bad vibes they talk about.
I just needed a friend to help me out.
But I see I need rock bottom to see the devil with my eyes
To break on through to reach my paradise.
To deal with pain and hatred of this size,
I have to find a way to deny my own lies.
Why is it when I ask for help you'd rather be doing something else?
Is it me or the melancholy you think I represent?
If you can't be there tell me, I'll do I it by myself.
Once it falls apart, I'll rebuild and buff out the dents.
If I could
Paint a picture of the darkness in my heart
Could you see it?
A lonely crevasse that strikes
Like lightning where my heart should be?
If I was
A loathsome beggar pleading for mercy
In the city streets
On my hands and knees
Would you give it to me?
There's no medication that can
Dial down this much pain
Calling out to the void
Straining my ears in vain.
Take the liquor down
And hope the skin soon grows thicker.
My heart and soul can't coexist
They just bicker and bicker.
Try quitting smoking but
Something will always nake me drag again
The ship is sinking
And I'm just playing the mandolin.
If it's supposed to get better, then when?
I can't hear my voice
Over the screaming of all my sins.
Part time friends will leave
When you needed them the most
Without looking back
I avoid pathways that lead directly to my heart
Because they're worn and tattered
Form abuse and neglect
So I quarantined the questions
That lead as turnstiles to these halls
The trust I had to polish these walls
Left with the old management
And therefore I henceforth forsake them
They only lead now to disaster and ruin
Devastation and a poisonous plague
To the rest of my mind
Because the doors were always open
To those who needed it most
They in return used up and defaced
Leaving when I needed them most
I could live forever
if you'd say you'd always love me
but I'm striking out on rations
of your momentary passions.