Fancy gowns flitting around swaying to the soft jazz,
stopping to mingle with a glass of wine in hand,
or sitting solemnly at scarlet clothed table.

I sit alone, staring into a glass that helps drown my past.
A hand reaches out,
a smile so soft it's able to make those years fade
the years of pain and loss, the year of the most bitter winter
“come and dance with me”

Crunching snow beneath my feet,
a foggy breath escapes my lips.
I wish to forget.
The air seems colder without you at my side.

You left me to freeze,
to struggle,
to shake and shiver until I was frostbitten

You left me in the snow with nothing

I thought this we could share
that this child was ours to share
but when i cried in the doctor’s office,
you showed no remorse

It was you

The reason I could never be happy in winter
The reason that every time I saw a child I wept
The reason I chose not to love anyone

I grew distant, straining to forget the past but the bruises remained
the love used to be there
you used to be there

but you left me in my own bitter winter

Step 1, 2, 3

Three more days, the moment my heart has been waiting for
Shining as bright as a star

Dazzling the crowd as center stage
Feeling free, strong, and bright
The moment I’ve been training for

Step 1, 2, 3*

Crack

Screaming, bright lights, tears

Shattered

Let me sleep
Let me eat
Let me forget
The taste of you and the smell of alcohol on us both

Let me shower again
Let my dreams not be filled with you
Let the “harmless” teasing stop
Because everyone believes its harmless but I really can't get you out of my head

Let my thoughts be free
Let me feel okay again
Let my skin feel like mine
Without the ghost of your hands all over it

It was nice
It was not supposed to happen
Let it go away
Let me move on
Let it be okay to keep talking to you
Without it seeming awkward or wrong

Let It Be....

I dreamed of rose gold and days where you’d spend forever in your studio only for me to have to come remind you to eat.

I remember long talks about being with you and buying a house, where the light would shine through every window and we’d be at peace.

The house would be in between the city and the country.

You’d have your painting studio and i’d have my library.

On Sundays we’d go to the market and buy our week’s groceries and sometime’s go to the local art fair.

I’d be in the garden and you’d be asleep, midday. You were up all night painting.

I dream of rose gold and sunset yellow seeping through the windows.

I dream of the life I longed to live with you.

Dark nights in summer.
The moon gives off a glow, a longing awaits there.
The stars, so faintly visible still a reminder of home

Indecisiveness radiates in the light
To go with you or to go back to where I once knew

The moon reminds me of you
The stars bring me home
Where do I go if I want both as my own

Water droplets on skin and tears mesh together
It shows nothing
You can’t see it
It’s there
It weighs you down then breaks you slowly
You try to fight it
It’s oh so hard
You want to give up
You want to wait
You want to see the day when your breathing isn’t cold
When your heart isn’t filled with black ink
When you can smile easily again
But for now
You’re filled with cold ink
The kind that fills every area
The kind that takes something you love and covers it
The kind that you try everything to make it go away and sometimes
it turns clear
You can’t see it
But it’s there

Everywhere,
there are things that remind me of you

bamboo, chocolate, snuggles

Things so common,
but I always think of you

lemonheads, games, stylus

Things so feasible,
so easy to associate with anyone

art, late nights, dark rooms

Yet…
You make them seem like so much more

I feel like my heart was wrenched from its place
It was beating so strongly.
I told you how I felt
And heard as your tone of voice turned my world upside down.

“Forget it ever happened”

*But I can't forget. *
I can't ever forget my feelings for you.
The pain burns.
It hurts knowing that you'll never reciprocate those feelings
And I'm stuck drowning
Without you to help me

I want to scream

For that gut wrenching feeling
The feeling that is keeping my words stuck in my throat
The feeling that if I say the words my mouth refuses to mutter, I'll be pushed aside

I need to scream
The words I want so desperately to show themself to you just cower in the corner

Words that I want to say, that I want to be heard
...words that I want to be understood
Understood by more than just me

I want to let the words flow but instead I keep them wrapped in a cloth, hidden away from your grasp.

What do you do when you don't feel anything anymore?
What do you do when the person who filled the void is redundant?

The feelings you were sure were true this time around just ended up like the past
The raging waves caught up to you again and you're not sure where to go from here

You feel trapped.

You want to go back to where you were,
Back to what you've become accustomed to

But you've grown

Face it, you've grown apart
You don't feel the same as you did once upon a time,
You don't get the butterflies you used to feel,
You have to force yourself to speak,
To feel
Because part of you thinks it can go back to the way it was

That you can feel those feelings again,
Feel the butterflies,
Feel safe and secure

Just face it, it's not the same and it never will be.

Thoughts.
Unscrambled to tell you what I want,
yet as the words are straining to be free,
I lose them again.

I want you to know.

What is this feeling?
Do you feel it too?

The subtle lingering of those words that are nonchalantly thrown around,
feeling that there is something there

Wondering.
Do you feel it too?

The chance that something could blossom,
but the terror of being renounced bubbled.
It threatened to take the happiness I could gain

I pushed it away.
Do you feel it too?

I reached out and gained a newfound flower
it bloomed strong and caring.
It bloomed freely and beautifully.

Do you feel it too?

The sweetness of your words

The lightness in your voice

The little laughs

The excitement that arrives with the smallest of things

Your smile, the little dimples that appear

Your eyes so full of thoughts, giving a whole new look on whatever you're saying.

The way you can turn something so simple into something beautiful.

How you are so dedicated to the things that make you happy.

Even in the silence, you bring a whole new outlook on something.

It's the little things that I love.

Fallen down,
lost and grieving.

Golden flowers greet a lost soul,
"Broken be the child?"
It whispers.

Hand clutched to heart,
the rain begun.

Alone, lost, forgotten.

“By myself again.”

"My child,"
Gone the flower, stood a new face.
"Please do not shed tears."

Your friends await to greet you to this new place.

“**** or Be Killed” a familiar echo came through.

Forget them all you had a mission to see through.

Broken be the child,
a bloodied knife in hand.

"Gone are your friends."
The flower sang.

"They never stood a chance."