I dreamed of rose gold and days where you’d spend forever in your studio only for me to have to come remind you to eat.

I remember long talks about being with you and buying a house, where the light would shine through every window and we’d be at peace.

The house would be in between the city and the country.

You’d have your painting studio and i’d have my library.

On Sundays we’d go to the market and buy our week’s groceries and sometime’s go to the local art fair.

I’d be in the garden and you’d be asleep, midday. You were up all night painting.

I dream of rose gold and sunset yellow seeping through the windows.

I dream of the life I longed to live with you.

What do you do when you don't feel anything anymore?
What do you do when the person who filled the void is redundant?

The feelings you were sure were true this time around just ended up like the past
The raging waves caught up to you again and you're not sure where to go from here

You feel trapped.

You want to go back to where you were,
Back to what you've become accustomed to

But you've grown

Face it, you've grown apart
You don't feel the same as you did once upon a time,
You don't get the butterflies you used to feel,
You have to force yourself to speak,
To feel
Because part of you thinks it can go back to the way it was

That you can feel those feelings again,
Feel the butterflies,
Feel safe and secure

Just face it, it's not the same and it never will be.

Let me sleep
Let me eat
Let me forget
The taste of you and the smell of alcohol on us both

Let me shower again
Let my dreams not be filled with you
Let the “harmless” teasing stop
Because everyone believes its harmless but I really can't get you out of my head

Let my thoughts be free
Let me feel okay again
Let my skin feel like mine
Without the ghost of your hands all over it

It was nice
It was not supposed to happen
Let it go away
Let me move on
Let it be okay to keep talking to you
Without it seeming awkward or wrong

Let It Be....

Step 1, 2, 3

Three more days, the moment my heart has been waiting for
Shining as bright as a star

Dazzling the crowd as center stage
Feeling free, strong, and bright
The moment I’ve been training for

Step 1, 2, 3*

Crack

Screaming, bright lights, tears

Shattered

I feel like my heart was wrenched from its place
It was beating so strongly.
I told you how I felt
And heard as your tone of voice turned my world upside down.

“Forget it ever happened”

*But I can't forget. *
I can't ever forget my feelings for you.
The pain burns.
It hurts knowing that you'll never reciprocate those feelings
And I'm stuck drowning
Without you to help me

I want to scream

For that gut wrenching feeling
The feeling that is keeping my words stuck in my throat
The feeling that if I say the words my mouth refuses to mutter, I'll be pushed aside

I need to scream
The words I want so desperately to show themself to you just cower in the corner

Words that I want to say, that I want to be heard
...words that I want to be understood
Understood by more than just me

I want to let the words flow but instead I keep them wrapped in a cloth, hidden away from your grasp.