Today I can look in the mirror and see myself
752 days and one major surgery later but wow I see myself

Dear,                                                Date: Today
          eating disorder.

Maybe you were once a friend
Maybe your promises shined a bright light into her dark thoughts
Maybe you saved her from demons bigger than yourself

I know how a person can become so desperate
Holding on to every source of light even if it's artificial
Grasping onto every empty promise
She's trying to feel full but how can she feel full when you've made her empty

I know who you really are
You blind her like high beam lights on a dark night
You control her like a claw machine
You trick, deceive and lie to her
Telling her that her worth is measured on a scale
You want nothing more than to put her in a grave

But you're in for a big awakening

She is starting to see on her own now
She is starting to fill herself full
Full of food and full of love
You're getting weaker every day

Goodbye, eating disorder

Love,
      A body that knows how to bounce back

the days you spend

no longer feeling the familiar ache in your chest

noticing how at ease you feel

wondering how long this feeling has been here but you were too unaware to notice

grateful

but confused

is it my time to feel good?

is it my time to bloom and flourish?

you can't help but latch onto the piece of you that wants the illness

but even so

you choose each day to take steps forward so you can ensure that tomorrow

you will wake up

and you will no longer feel the familiar ache in your chest

There’s pieces missing of my life
I know I should have thought twice

Taking the pills
and mentally preparing my will

But knew it wasn’t right

I drove to help
So glad I did

If I had waited
I would be dead

I live my days with you on my mind
Looking for happiness but it’s so hard to find
Wishing someone would take away the pain
I know I’m not crazy and I know I’m not sane

I close my eyes and there you are
Even though the past is kind of far
It feels like it was yesterday
When you almost took my life away

Dear Testosterone,
You made me sweaty, ***** and sometimes angry too
But I would be lying if I could say I know what I’d do without you
You changed my life from the outside in
Showed me that living as my true self is not living in sin
Each month I’m amazed by how much change I see
In my face, my voice, my hair and all of me

staring at my phone
waiting for your name to light the screen up as it always has
but I keep waiting
patiently then not so much
I should accept that you're gone
but easier said than done
when I think of our memories
my heart hurts
being filled with joy
then having it ripped away
smiling at the photos
only to have that smile slowly turn into tears

At this point days, weeks and months have passed

I know longer ask myself how I feel
There’s no doubt in my mind that I’m in love with you

I love you
With my whole heart and with my whole being

I’m not scared or worried
I’m not gonna hold back

My love for you is real, vulnerable and infinite

Tears dried on your caramel cheeks
Wondering why there’s so much to be scared of
Thinking about escaping to a better place

Where you do not feel like a burden
Where you had not been a mistake
Where you are not scared of being condemned

But you already had to accept
There’s no where to go and no one to turn to

You have family as reliable as a bike with a broken chain
Friends who are scared of you
And a brain that has not yet developed

Through the terrifying thoughts
Horrible memories
And flat out traumatizing events

You are still fighting

I know most day hurt being in the wrong body
I know most days you just wish you’d been born right

I know that one day you’ll be getting closer
To being able to present how you want

I know you’re scared

But there’s something I need to tell you
Something I need you to trust
Dry your cheeks and listen to me

you are now loved
and
you will be okay

there is nothing wrong with who you are
you’re allowed to be you
we are two months on testosterone and becoming the man we’ve always knew we were

I’m so proud of you

there's this person I see so often
yet my brain has some how forgotten
I see this person in the mirror
this person fills me up with fear
this person that I see
this person is not me
there's no emotion that I feel
is my life even real?
I think I'm losing it, I really do
when will this awful feeling be through?

I lie awake at night
reliving memories in my brain
I need to get to sleep
but it brings on so much pain
the pain is not physical
all though sometimes I wish it were
because it'd better than the hurting
I constantly have to endure

For awhile life was painted gray
There were colors of love sitting dormant inside

Love that shines brightest is seen as a threat
Life couldn’t take something that was so true and bright
  
This cruel world cannot dim the colors of our souls
Let’s paint this dark world with color once again

I will no longer wreak havoc on you

I will no longer let you suffer because I was convinced beauty meant taking up less space

I will no longer let you confuse beauty with being sick and being sick with beauty

I will no longer starve you from not only food but happiness as well

But instead, I give you permission to thrive

I give you permission to take up space because your thoughts will always be more powerful than collarbones and thigh gaps

I give you permission to be authentic and not give a **** what anyone else thinks

I give you permission to truly live

I give you permission to love yourself

I don’t remember much of the time
Where I was in the hospital about to die
Awake for 36 hours
But what is time?
When you’re not coherent
Everyone’s afraid you will die

Memories come in fragments
I don’t know why
I try to remember
It makes me cry
I feel like I have lost that time
I want to know what it felt like to almost die

at the end of the day you only truly have yourself;
love yourself, hold yourself and care for yourself
because there is no certainty that others will

intentionally
I must inflate my lungs with oxygen-
with my deep exhale
they shrink-
with my breath
my newly produced carbon dioxide flees-

life may bombard you with struggles
sometimes until you feel as if you might combust-
you must then
breathe in the good-
and
deeply exhale the bad-

-you're gonna be okay

my skin is howling  
my tears descend
the pain is somehow still caged

my throat swells
my jaw tightens
the hurt must stay within

its more painful than anything I’ve ever felt
like a pack of wolves tearing my heart out
the pain is eating me

eating more than I ate for the years my dysphoria got me to starve myself

i can’t hide anymore
tear me open if you must
but tear me open in the right places

we talked and talked
talked about our hopes and dreams
our fears too
I never would've thought in that moment
loving you would leave me hurting so much

No longer set back by the uncomfortable masses of fat resting on my chest
I’m free to live and breathe DEEPLY
Each day I uncover more of the truth to who I am
I spent many years yearning for this feeling of relief
Here it is
I’m ready

so many words in my head
all trapped in the depths of my brain
that no soul will ever explore

Skin begins to crawl while seeing this mess
Binding my chest and trying to rest

I don’t see myself

Living in this body is betrayal
Everything is wrong feeling unwell

I don’t see myself

Looking down is not much better
Body is making it hard to get it together

I don’t see myself

Mind is screaming to give up
Living life like this hurts too much

I don’t see myself

Everything is black
I don’t know where I am
Everything is unknown

this couldn’t have been the plan
my body is shaking
they rush to my side
my heart is racing
theyre afraid I might die

Levels of consciousness vary
I verbalize many of sounds
My limbs are impossible to carry
In my head I am no where to be found

My eyes were open
And my mouth too
I took too many pills
I didn’t think things through
Somewhere in my mind
I’m hoping I don’t die
And my body took the controls
and said, “We have to stay alive“