We're anything and everything but atypical.
Anorexia. Bulimia. OSFED, binge or orthorexia.
Hell, there's even hybrids now: diabulimia.
There's a name for every demon I've eaten. For the thing that lives inside of me; feeding off of starvation.
There's power in it. You know, the kind of sick courage that comes from skipping meals and counting calories.
Lower numbers, lower anxieties.
When you're thin it's an eating disorder, they say.
When you're fat it's called a diet, they say.
We're surviving on pills and Coke Zero. This isn't the 80's, honey, SlimFast doesn't work as well as ******* do.
I was taught that pain is beauty, but laxatives on an empty stomach are far from pretty.
I don't want to be beautiful, I want to be nothing. Not a thing in this world. What do I want?
To be like an Angel: perfection on the inside and out.
To be both powerful and protected. In control and out of it.
Is this Schrodinger's eating disorder?
It goes deeper than food. Farther than the veins; blue and translucent underneath my skin.
I'm cold and gone, honey. This thing has got a hold on me.
I'm water, tea, early mornings and late nights. Scales, chewing gum and breath mints.
I'm crushed by the weight hanging off of my bones, and I don't know how to get better.
NEDIC Helpline Canada: 1-866-633-4220
NEDA Helpline USA: 800-931-2237