I hear the ocean
and see the tears fall

collected in a bucket

standing outside my
window

She never had to worry about
Any of those strange things
That kept others awake at night
And pounded their doors

She always chose to walk alone
And tied her hair in a bun
So that others could see her eyes
But never know who she was at home

When she wanted to leave you,
Goodbye was never on her lips
For it was too good a word
But instead, "I'll see you later"

She never wanted to cry,
But always found herself doing so -
And she never wanted to be alone,
But always found herself so

She would give her heart away
Like a rain in the storm
So that others could feel
What she had loved so much

And if she could be free
Like the clouds she loved,
Then her voice would be heard
Among the weeping stars

But she would be written down
In some blank pages that
Didn't take up more than
A paragraph

For though she was here now,
Tomorrow didn't see that way,
And tomorrow never was
A friend to her

I thought it was supposed to get better
but instead

it just keeps getting worse

All my life is buried here:
beneath the sky
that I once dreamt as heaven,

I now state as lies.

Words are etched
but are slated with time
never staying long enough to be said

so that I can make it mine.

I wish to see you again
but I realize this isn’t how it goes –
for to have you is a crime

but to have known you,
is where the beauty shows

...am           I
supposed to be unhappy?

I think -
Everyone else,     is...
well -                          Life

is a drag:
I'm supposed to drink and
cry
to myself
on the stairs

I'm supposed to hate myself

and my life

or
I think I'm supposed to,

right?

it is
truly
truly
truly not as bad
as what it may seem

and I
believed her

Let me keep this simple - I do not
like my face, my hair, the veins that
pop and throb and burst from
my hands; I do not like my voice or
the way it sounds and scratches at
this air, this space, this empty layer
of skin and feelings that hang around
me like a bog. I woke in my ****, clawed
at my eyes to have them open; I banged
and shouted at my face to have it look
differently, slightly, highly better than
this but instead of doing as I commanded,
it stopped and smirked and smiled at me
with such god-awful bravado that as I turned
it barked at me from the glass bubble that
could so easily shatter, I know you - like no-
one else - and that scares me the most. I was
in a class, windows peaked open, and I
swore I heard a voice - it was my own.
I heard you, I heard you for the first time
then, but you did not say “I’m scared”, you
just told me, I know, I know, I know this
can be scary, but that is okay, that is
okay, you are okay.

I am okay.

Any colour you like -
any piece of me
you see,
A shade so warm
in sunlight so barren -
I'd rather be blank
and drawn to be erased,
but here are my colours
in a landscape
painted and crafted
in beauty

Beauty was her name
But deceiving
Were her looks,

Written on the seams
Of her well ironed dress,
Popping from the shine
Of her blood spattered
Lipstick

If I were a fool
Then they would call me a genius -
But because I knew her
I am nothing
But broken

Bottled root beer tastes like summer.
The kind I used to spend
on Kelley’s Island as a kid with
bicycles and put-put,
ice-cream cones too big and
beach trips that stretched
the length of a road too long.
The kind of summer that doesn’t end
but rather lasts too long
in the June-heat and lake-splashes - filled with laughter
from siblings who still haven’t grown old enough yet
to think twice about laughing with their younger brother.

Bottled root beer is sweet
with condensation and sweat -
sweet reminders on my tongue
that though it tastes of memories,

that makes it taste all the sweeter.

Beauty walks your name
straight to the end -
Even when you're old and tired,
you'll still be just as bright
as you are now -
Clever lines the curls of your hair,
resting upon your shoulders
and in the ears of all
who listen -
Because you
are beautiful
in every way

I still love her
even though she's gone

I still love her
even though
I never really knew her

I still love her
even if
she never
loved me

and I will still love her
till I'm old and bony,
a bag of a man
left to rot in the dark
without her

Because I

love her

Be a kindergarten teacher
Or
A Magician;
Be those things
That no one else would be
Because
Tomorrow’s an option too
and they can be later -
Sleep outside.
Sleep with the window open.
Sleep on the floor
And imagine you’re the queen
That sails a ship into a thousand candy islands;
Imagine, imagine, imagine.
Drink coffee in the evening
And lose yourself in the swirls.

Be now.

I poured some coffee on the ground

It's now on my feet

I don't want to write this,
but I am
I don't know what to write,
but I am

I sat outside today
and I got bored,
so - I poured some coffee on the ground

I don't know what to make of life
but I am

I’ve been drawing circles,
The same ones
Over
And over –
I’ve been feeling sleepless
Night after
Night,
Hoping that I can work the courage
To talk to someone
And not feel so lonely –
But like I said –
I’ve been drawing circles.

and he asked me
Love - do you feel that for her?
and I, feeling my heart thump thump,
         waited
for the words to find themselves
         waited
for my breath to not stumble -

If we were to grow old,
I would gladly talk to her grave
until I was beside her

My hands
are the shape of
this morning’s bagel: small
and untethered, sprinkled
with seeds, tasteful of hope
that today will hopefully be a good day.
I have made it - not for anyone
but for my own mouth. I have sipped
and tasted for years
what my hands have prepared
for me, cooked in the hope
that I could - no, will -
make a day good
for me.

the flowers

they sit in this air, chilly;
the wind
it blows, yet, just as the flowers move

I feel it upon my hair

upon my face,
upon my blue feet;

The trees they ask
Do you like how I move?

I ask the same

and I hear no answer -

I never have, yet, I ask
again; again -

There is a wind
and I feel it the same as
the trees; the flowers -
I feel this wind and I will feel it again;

when I will feel it again

Lovely:
he hands a helmet, she
slips away with him into the night -

The rest of us -
we talk about concerts
and what makes relationships last:
I wouldn't know that though -
my head is still
wrapped around my last one, although,
I think it goes
a little something like this:

I will hand you my helmet
and you will hope
this doesn't crash.

Hold me a glass cup –
Something fragile seems too tough
For –
Wash the remains from
The clear insides
And

Remember:
I will shatter
If dropped

I know they love each other -
I can hear it
from the room across; those

muffled, rambling
conversations -
She takes the time
to talk
and he
takes the time to listen - laughter.

I'm sure they smiled, together -

I know they love each other, because
I can hear it, from here.

If words were your dress
then I'd be a king,
sinking in your dazzling brilliance
as people came to look
and ponder
over what you just
said

Smoke curls from the cup -
it swirls and dances in awe

Sunlight shines from Her hair -

Golden,
golden, golden -

is this Heaven?
I like to think
this is what it must be

I sit in this Sunlight -
bask in it - and I think
Heaven can't be as pretty
as this

My heart mumbles your name
and my eyes long to see,
But everywhere
is somewhere that I won't
ever be

A song plays your smile
and my ears strain for noise,
But silence
is a sound that I
hear at course,

and Beauty marks my pen for you,
but I've forgotten how to write -
so blank
is the page that I weep over
tonight

Happy
as I move my hands,
happy, as I walk to
the door -

Happy, happy,
happy - my heart smiles -

I see it on my face.

I see it when I
see You. I am

happy

         because of You

Let me stand
gently
in the sun

and I will enjoy every moment of it

Let me hear
so sweetly
the birds that sing
and I won't ask for another moment
such as this

Hope
          has feathers
and                          love
        is weightless

as for me

well
        I
           have  

none of that

        but
               Dickinson said
And
       and
              Lennon sang

No

                     I have no comfort
                            
                            no belief

                             in what
                                  I
                              can do




                                  But
if hope has feathers
                   then it must mean
                                    it
                                        must
                                                   fall
                       before it can ever

                                                Y
                                           L
                                      F

I want to die free
and not live caged;
a bird
a bird
a bird is free

Why can't I
be a bird?

I am scared of growing up -
I mean,
What if I turn into
All those things
That I’ve feared –
What if
I was to fall behind:
See the backs of my friends
So happily ahead –
I’m scared of growing up
Because
I don’t know where,
I don’t know what,
I don’t know whom
I will be -
I guess I’m really just
Scared

But to your front door
would hope walk the endless street
where dreams and terror
would collide to
see you standing there -
but insanity wracks it over
as day after day passes
and day by day I hope
to see the time
when I can finally look up
to talk to
you

In the shining shimmering lines of the day
stood you,
standing above all that was bright
and gracefully leading the way

those there heard you walk
and stopped to cheer you on

for on your head sat the mantle
of someone who meant something
to those who needed anything
and you called on
and you walked on
with such blinding
in all that was bright

If beauty is
what comes from a flower
that blooms,
then no winter must surround
your name,
no breeze could call you different,
for all those petals
that open to something pretty
imitate
the beauty you have become

If I could be beautiful
You might look at me,
And if I could paint
Your beauty such as this,
Then I might know you

If I was king,
Who had land after land,
And a singer
Who had you in his songs,
Then I might have something

But I don’t have much to give
So I'll give this poem to you -
I'm just a man -
A simple, broken thing,
With not too much to offer -
So I'll give these words,
So I can try
To give you something

If I had the world,
And a thousand different days -
Each second lasting,
Hanging your pain or smile -
So I could be with you

If I was different,
Just enough to be like you -
Then you might adore me
Or notice me so -
And I might know you

But I don’t have much to give
So I'll just give these thoughts -
For you meant something then
Just as you mean the same now -
I don’t have much to give,
So I'll give you
All that I can,
Just to give you something

I make my bed and brush my teeth

I hope it is sunnier tomorrow

I smile in the mirror but I still, cannot

I hope it is sunnier tomorrow

I drive somewhere, never knowing
why, and come home feeling
empty

I hope it is sunnier tomorrow

I go to sleep and wake
tomorrow,
only to find myself saying

I hope it is sunnier tomorrow

I look.

The branch curls upward.

It reaches the painted sky
far above where
I can ever be.

The leaves are green
and have just began
to bloom.

It is beautiful today.

I smile.

I hope you find a flower,
one that's very pretty

It doesn't need to be
any certain colour,
I just hope you like it

and I hope that flower
reminds you -
you found this pretty

and that is wonderful

My brain's a puzzle -
and my feelings

the pieces

I opened the well-worn pages -  
The scent of a thousand years
Crinkling in the folds
That my nervous fingers
Turned,
Chapter after
Chapter –
It read like a river,
Streaming from the consciousness
Of hearts that knew
what it meant to smile –
but I was naïve,
a watcher from a window -
I read and envisioned
but did not understand
what others had so long away discovered
so frighteningly easily

You had once given
My heart wings
But now you stripped it
And left it feeling naked -
You once gave me
Strength when I had none -
Let me feel
When I thought
That I couldn’t feel a thing -
But now you took all that
And left me here
With nothing but these words -
Left me with the feeling
That I couldn't be more
Than what you see
Of me

I see myself -
wrinkles
cover my eyes,

a smile
surrounds my words
and I

am old,
but I am happy

The flowers bloomed
And the shade was green,
Suspended in time
When nothing was wrong –
I should’ve hugged her then

Her smile was a tower
That led to the sky,
Tumbling and rumbling
Through the clouds of my mind -
I should’ve hugged her then

I would like to say
That at least I tried
But no one who ever died,
Lived long enough to say that
To anyone

I should’ve hugged her then

I feel the knife
Stab my brain
My heart
Over
And over
Again
But when they walk to me
With a smile and a laugh
I can't help but to push it down
Under my own smiles
So they don't feel
What it is that I do
And I don't have to worry
About them being so down -
But the thing is
When they leave again,
That pain -
It's still there

I want a room
with a piano;
maybe even
a chair

and we'll sit and we'll play,
we'll sit and we'll sing,
and we'll sit and we'll smile
'till everything feels
just a little,
a little,
a little bit better

And when we go to bed,
we'll close the top and think
maybe tomorrow,
maybe tomorrow
we can smile again

Sometimes I'm happy
when I should be sad
and sometimes
I'm sad
when I should be happy

We sat there

a divide between us

I didn’t know what to say
how to say it
or when to say it

so instead

I said nothing

I think

I think I would be happy
with just sitting

here

next to you

The leaves
were lime green -
it was a pretty colour

They swayed
and danced and talked
in the wind

Life was
beautiful for them
and because of that

it was beautiful for me

I'm older now,
something
I wasn't before -
I could throw myself away
to hide myself
from what scares me
the most -
But maybe tomorrow,
when I'm an older man,
will speak differently
than what I can

Do not fear her for her scars
or hate her
for how many times she has cried -

Love her
for she is broken,
respect her
for she has lived -
know that she is a mountain
that won't crumble
with tomorrow in mind

and the only Goodbye
was silence