living makes me want to die
while the sound of the river keeps playing,

and my privilege will soon drown it out
as the river trickles down my ears,

but i keep hearing the same song.
I dance in the rain

people start to believe my lies
and I splash in a puddle.

i laugh with grief

there is no me anywhere, anymore
My clothes are soaked with protection.

I run and run and scream and play,
Waist deep in my little river,

it's thick
must be the polution

no one hears my calls or wishes.
I let myself float care free.

I hold my breath everyday
I feel it slosh in my brain

I won't wake up from this dream
I'm sinking

drip
drip

I hear the river stream
as it moves past my body
as it moves through my body

it goes on
     it goes on
          it goes on

what goes on when i can't?

drop
drop

silence.

What happens when I get the bottle open?
When I'm strong enough to let it go?

all the hopes and dreams I once had
escape
and I gain the knowledge to be free

What happens when I get the bottle open?

I stab the villain and not the innocent
finally slaying my demons
it's liberating
can't you see?

What happens when I get the bottle open?

I'll finally see the truth
maybe you will too
be happy for me
this is no set back

What happens when the bottle finally opens?

and all my dreams come true
I'm laying on the beach
listening
as the crashing waves
consume me
so nicely

What happens when the bottle's open?

and there's no going back
like Pandora's box of bottles
and all that's left is to
sink

What happens if the bottle's already open?

and I can't hide it anymore

I'm sorry
for wasting

Everything

but the bottle's been opened
and I can't waste this

not now

there is no strength to close it.

break me once again
'cause it didn't work before
and the shards don't fit together
so break me once more

I don’t want to be okay
And live my life another way
Not right now
Not today

I don’t want to get better
or get worse
But I keep complaining that it hurts
Where I am
I think I like the pain
I think I wanna stay

I’ll just be here sinking
Screaming
Running
Jumping
I remembered this better
Is it really any better?

You say you want me healed
But I think you like me this way
Or maybe you just want to run away
And leave my carcass in the rain
Hope I wash away
But I’ll just end up on the bay
floating

Like i’m stalking you
Following you
‘Cause you said you want me better
But I think I’d rather jump

Fear hurts.
No matter how happy I am, there is always fear.

When it’s dark at night, there is fear.
Fear crawls underneath the blanket with your beating heart.

When you eat an ice cream cone, there is fear.
Fear slides onto your tongue, along with the sweet, frozen cream, and makes its way down your throat.

When you squeeze a pillow, fear will be there,
refusing to exit your mind.

Fear, why won’t you exit my mind?
It never leaves me..

But fear is what keeps you going everyday.

When you climb a great pine tree,
you feel glad, happy, strong, though never fearless
for fear’s there lurking in the needles right there with you.

When the sweetest pitbull licks your face with it’s oh so soft tongue,
you fear that it will leave you.
When your phone rings,
you fear of who it is.

Fear makes me fearless

When you play, you still fear.
You don’t even know what you fear but
fear is everywhere.
It doesn’t make sense.
Fear doesn’t make sense.

Fear is fear.

When fear comes along
Fear is your best friend
Fear makes me dance.

When you love something,
you fear that it will go away.

You fear of yourself.
You fear of the world.

Fear comes to make life harder,
to make you sad,
to make you scared,
but your heart is full of joy so you just sit at the kitchen table,
eating donuts with a side of fear.

You may love fear, you drink it like it’s coffee,
but you hate fear even more.

I paint my face with tears
because I don't want to wipe them away.
I don't want to vanish my pain
and save it for another day.
I don't want to be known as my pain
but I am my pain.

My pain is the glossy finish
that my tears leave on my face.
My pain is what covers me.
My pain is what you see right through
'cause its clearer than cellophane

What if I don't like the sticky feel my tears leave behind?
What if I don't like the shame my pain brings along?

My pain is the scream into both ears that keeps me up at night.
Its the rush in my arms that makes me stab myself when dark.

Maybe if it wasn't dark you would see the red my eyes show;
crying out to you,
wishing you'll know about the pain that took me.

But when the light shines bright I spread my pain clear
like the armor to protect me,
or more likely it's my shield to hide behind.

But sometimes I shut my eyes
and they forget to reopen
and I just lie there
because maybe I don't want them to.

What happens when the good girl goes bad
like the spoiled milk she left out?
Because I couldn't seem to get up.
I think it was something about acknowledging that I'm alive, I'm here.
Wouldn't it all be easier if I wasn't?

When the good girl goes bad
because she worked her *** off on that paper and only got a C.

When the good girl goes bad
because the world doesn't treat her right,
but I guess it must because that's
how come I'm the good girl.
Not my depressed sister sitting in her room;
not my other sister running around, destroying everything I had to work for;
most definitely
not my other sister who always seemed to be your favorite but is now smashing plates in our backyard,
'cause I guess that's what happens if you get too close to you.

When the good girl goes bad,
you get angry because
I'm supposed to be your perfect child
not supposed to be
your ***** up child
your lonely child
your lazy child
your anxious child
not supposed to be
your good for nothing child
your dysfunctional child
your doesn't give a **** about anything anymore child.
why don't I ******* give a **** about anything anymore?

When the good girl goes bad
your life falls apart,
because clearly
you had enough to deal with already,
because clearly
this is all my fault,
because clearly
you don't have the time to face your good girl
and
because clearly
that's all on me.

When the good girl goes bad
because you left her out on the counter all those years, sitting there to rot.
And though I know that you can't waste your time putting it away, 'cause you never cared for it anyway,
maybe you shouldn't have bought the milk if you didn't want to drink it.
And I know the milk should take care of itself
but I tried and that only works for a couple of years
before the good girl gone bad falls far off the counter, spills across the floor,
and the only thing left is to throw that nasty old milk away
because your bread, eggs, oil, etc. need your attention
and it's just too late for the good girl.

When the good girl goes bad
because she never asked to be the good girl
or maybe I did, I don't really remember,
but not like this.
I just wanted to be loved
but little did I know that
the good girl just sits there
keeping herself afloat,
but the boat can't guide itself if it wasn't given eyes.
The boat can't patch itself if you keep telling it its still brand new
when its really old, broken, and covered in holes.
You shouldn't put a boat in the water if you know its going to sink,
but I guess you only really need a couple good boats
so you can just toss the good girl.

When mama's little good girl goes bad,
she feels guilty
because she was told she'd always be
the good girl.
Though, its hard being the good girl when you don't have any windshield wipers for your tears at night.
But the tears at night aren't supposed to exist
because
I'm still mama's mother ******' good girl,
just...
please pretend I haven't gone bad.

When you say that life is easy,
a little frustration is as bad as it gets,
I ask you what you were doing at age six.

were you running through the park?
playing with your friends?
doing nothing much?
careless of the world?

What if your whole life is determined at age six?

When I say that life is hard,
it's never been a good thing,
you ask me what I was doing at age six.

I was running through the fields, hoping I'd forget.
I talked to almost no one,
doing nothing much.
I cared too much about the smallest things and just hoped that it would stop.
It never stopped.

Six was the age I accepted that I would never be happy.
I knew I was different but I thought it would fade,
that maybe I'd forget and be able to stay.

But my whole life was determined at age six.

2 a.m. and I don't  understand
can I help you go to sleep?
can I show you how to dream?
your body's full of thoughts but I'll fill your thoughts with me

just tell me something like you've known me forever
because I've never been good at the getting to know you part

tell me something that'll make me remember
because I just can't seem to forget

tell me something that'll make you feel better
because I've never been good at showing I'm there

tell me something like you know it all
because I really believe that you do

talk to me like you waited all day
touch me like you care
hug me like you need some relief
I'll hold you 'til you're calm

you can run through the field 'til your legs fall off
and I'll be your scream into a pillow

you can be the lost kid, hidden in the darkness
and I'll be the darkness that took you

fix me like I'm the drink to soothe you
that way you'll take me in

see I'm pretty broken
and yeah I broke you too
but if we can glue our halves together
the light might just show through

now, sleep
please
show me the way to dream

out of everyone
it could've been anyone
but i was chosen for this task that no one wants.
as i walk to the door
i wonder why
as i turn the ****
i wonder why
as the dreaded creak means my entrance is now
i wonder
why.

dragged in here
i float
as i hear people scream
defending their side
i just can't decide
but maybe they aren't screaming
i think that might be me
because of the pain it brings
when they pull me in their opposite directions..
until i fall apart
but i was never really together.

raw in pieces
they keep giving me evidence
to prove that they are right
right about me

i guess i'm the guest
that doesn't want to be here
but they sure feel like unwanted guests
inside my head.

"she's a girl"
"he's a boy"
"because of this"
"because of that"
this can't be true
that can't be true

i'm just an observer
in this court room
but then why am i in the center?

i'm was picked at random,
the chosen one
and i really wish i wasn't.

A line of vases
the wind blows against
knocking them over,
but only a few left broken

Some picked back up,
others left with just a scratch
but i'm part of the batch
that shattered.

Built back up,
glued together,
you can't erase the damage done by this weather,
leaving me unwanted forever

Left there all alone
to be knocked over
or thrown
until i've shattered once more
so you just leave me on the floor

because i'm
too far gone,
yes, you made me
too far gone
and now no one will piece me back together.

breath,
    in and out,
    over and over.

2. get up,
    every morning,
    do your best.

3. eat,
    try,
    it’s okay if you can’t.

4. brush your teeth,
    back and forth,
    keep it up.

5. brush your hair,
    daily,
    you can do this.

6. go to school,
    dont shut down,
    interact.

7. come home,
    you’re  close,
    make it through.

8. breath,
    but I can’t.

The pain
has faded.
I don’t need it to end.
I can see the light at the end of the tunnel,
at least a little.
I can see the optimism in
life.
I can see Everything,
and I thought that was enough
but maybe it's too much

because nothing’s going to change the fact
that I see myself as a walking dead girl.

I can now bare the pain
in my head.
But the pain is still there.
I’m still in the tunnel.
And even though I’m doing better,
I don’t think that it’s
Enough.

If I once was supposed to
**** myself
then maybe
I wasn’t supposed to
live.

The pain
has faded.
I don’t need it to end.
I’m happy,
at least a little.
I’m fine

But nothing’s going to change the fact
that I see myself as a walking dead girl.

Where are you?
Hello!?!!
Hello?!
hello?

you’re gone
because you thought I wanted you gone
but I didn’t want you gone
yes I said I wanted you gone
but you weren’t supposed to listen.

when I said that I was sure
I wasn’t really sure
I just needed you to fight,
to put up a fight for me
but you didn’t.

I think you cared a little
but you didn’t care a lot
and a little just wasn’t enough.

enough enough
why am I
not enough
for you to insist to stay?

enough enough
enough enough
I really have
had enough.

if only you were here
you could’ve given me
enough
enough for me to be.

I need you in the moment
when I tell my friends I want to die
and they don’t even care
let alone even notice that I’m there

I need you in the moment
when I cry in the middle of the night
and I don’t remember why
let alone why it hurts so much

I need you in the moment
when I take the little courage that I have
and stand up, only for them to dismiss me
let alone change

I need you in the moment
when I show my cuts on display to the world
and the only thing anyone gives is judgement
let alone SAVE ME

I need you in the moment
when everyone else survives
and leaves you to rot in the darkness
let alone comfort me

I need you in the moment
when I realize I’m manipulative
and that this is all my fault
because I’m the problem
in my life
that sabotages my every move
and needs to LEAVE

Because I need you
in that moment
that you’re not there
because you were never anywhere
Let alone here

They say I’m
               “Just some girl”
         but they don’t know me

   They don’t know
                               what I stand for
   They don’t know
                       what I’ve been through

   They don’t know who I am.
   They don’t know anything about me
                      but neither do I.

   Maybe I am “Just some girl”

   Just some OUTSIDER girl
   Just some ASIAN girl
   Just some PRIVILEGED girl
   Just some ANNOYING girl
    
                       I AM JUST SOME GIRL

   Just some girl who CRIED IN CLASS
   Just some girl who NEVER TALKS
   Just some girl who NO ONE KNOWS
    
Just some girl that killed herself last night and leaves you wondering,
                                 maybe she wasn’t
                                  JUST SOME GIRL

Walking down the street
Looking so ugly
It can’t possibly be human
Though it is human
But only slightly

People don’t believe in it
They say it’s non existent
Though it does exist
You just don’t notice

Because you see
It walks like everyone else
It breaths like everyone else
It wears clothing like everyone else
But it’s a disguise

The zombie in today’s society
Seems human at first glance
It does the basic human things
Breath, walk, eat
But it’s hard

It can barely sleep
It lacks emotion,
The ability to feel
It’s a disturbance
But the zombie in today’s society is me

I am the disturbance
And just like the zombie
I may seem alive
But I’m already dead
So you might as well
Just shoot me in the head

Because
At the end of the day
Nobody likes
A zombie.