Oh, love, you are missing today
And, suddenly, everyone knows your name.
Oh, love, do you remember the way
You watched the seasons shift and change?

You're not here today, love
You'll visit and revisit
Yet you refuse to stay
And that's not enough, is it?

"Sweetheart, what have you done to us?"
We sang those words until we couldn't breathe
"Don't lie, I know we're fixing to die,"
And you were first to leave.

Beauty is subjective, but you were universal
Time is unreliable and age is routine
Life is objective and you were unimpressed
So what did you find so unsatisfactory?

"Hallelujah," you sang as you left
Hallelujah, hallelujah, rejoice for death
"Hallelujah," you said no "goodbye"'s
Just, "Hallelujah, hallelujah," until you died.

.

I heard there was a secret chord
And no one on Earth has heard it but you
We listen, watch, and wait for the answer
With our fingers crossed that it's the truth.

That David played to please the Lord
Though you never believed in him at all.
We are the David's playing until we can't
Then resuming at your call.

But you don't really care for music, do you?
In futile, in vain, our stupid efforts.
What song would you like to hear, dear king?
What will make you stay with us?

It goes like this: the minor fall, the major lift
It was set in stone from day one
We should have seen, should have known
That you would, so soon, be gone.

And the baffled King composing Hallelujah
Did you understand our words, our pleas?
Did you think of our cries before you left?
Oh my dearest, bemused, lost, little king.

Hallelujah...
Hallelujah...
Hallelujah...
Hallelujah...

.­

The days passed by and you grew weary;
Your faith was strong but you needed proof
So you searched the world helplessly in vain
That life would mean something, anything, for you.

And then came Her, a breath of hope
You saw Her bathing on the roof
You crossed your fingers and prayed to the air
That She was the concrete, unfailing truth.

You followed her with your heart in hand;
Her beauty in the moonlight overthrew you.
You knelt by her feet and raised her up
The whole while singing, "Hallelujah."

She held you closer than you'd ever been then
She tied you to the kitchen chair.
And you were content, you were secure
You were so happy to be there.

She stripped you of titles and material things
She broke your throne and she cut your hair
She skinned you completely, down to your soul
And left you liberatingly bare.

She reached inside and wrenched the pain from you
And from your lips, she drew the, "Hallelujah."
You were so completely healed at that moment
How you relapsed, how you slipped away eludes her.

Hallelujah...
Hallelujah...
Hallelujah...
Hallelujah...

.
­
Oh, had I seen you slipping
I would've let you know that
Baby, I've been here before;
It's not the place for you to end at.

I would have stressed that you're better
Than this room soaked in the blood of thousands.
I've seen this room, I've walked this floor, you know
You'd be better off far away from it.

I would have explained that you were it.
I'd yet to see color, to live, to trust;
I used to live alone before I knew you-
Then you appeared and left me starstruck.

You were a light, you were a star
You were what I thought didn't exist before
And I've seen your flag on the marble arch
So I'll raise it in your absence; let it soar.

You were hope, dearest wayfarer
Though I know hope never lasts
And love is not a victory march
But I never thought it'd end so fast.

The message isn't an apology
It's not guilt or regret
It's a cold and it's a broken, "Hallelujah,"
That I've not managed to accept yet.

Hallelujah...
Hallelujah...
Hallelujah...
Hallelujah...

.
­
You said it once and I heard you clear
"I'm so tired," your eyes were closed
You didn't confide again, but oh,
There was a time when you let me know.

What's behind that small, secretive smile?
What is it you won't let show?
What are you feeling; are you okay?
What's really going on below?

All the things I never asked
For fear that questions would stab you through
I would've been a hiding place for your sorrow
But you never show that to me, do you?

I never knew what was on your mind
You never gave the slightest of clues.
I was more than prepared to give up
But remember when I moved in you?

I saw the pain, I saw the age
I finally felt as though I knew
We flew, I believe, we soared and flew
And the holy dove was moving too.

You were more than a light then
You were the cosmos, you were Earth's deus ex machina
We flew through time faster than we should have
And every breath we drew was, "Hallelujah."

Hallelujah...
Hallelujah...
Hallelujah...
Hallelujah...

.

May­be there's a god above
Who was looking down to see you
But if he didn't stop the you from leaving
Then what good can he do?

But all I've ever learned from love
Is that it hurts too much to chase
All I've ever learned from love
Was how to hate; all I' learned

Was how to shoot someone who outdrew you.
I bit at their heels like a rabid dog,
They didn't see the impossible thing you were
Until we reached the epilogue.

And it's not a cry that you hear at night,
That'll convince you to go.
It's not the passing of days and months
That snatched you from home.

It's not somebody who's seen the light
That coerced you away.
It's not the worst of your times
That convinced you not to stay.

It's a cold and it's a broken, "Hallelujah,"
That froze you to your bones.
And by the time heat had come
You were already gone.

Hallelujah...
Hallelujah...
Hallelujah...
Hallelujah...
Ha­llelujah...
Hallelujah...
Hallelujah...
Hallelujah...
Hallelujah.­..
Hallelujah...
Hallelujah...
Hallelujah...
Hallelujah...

I hate to be happy
To feel laughter rise
I hate to be happy
Hate the crinkle of my eyes.

I hate being around them;
I have so much fun
I hate being around them
Right up till when we're done.

It's a knife in my back
A splinter in my spine
A knife in my back
Happy's so fleeting in time.

It's a crushing pain inside
Wanting to be wanted
It's a crushing pain inside
And by loneliness it's haunted.

It's a drastic turn of events
That have dire consequence
It's a drastic turn of events
And no one can make sense.

I hate to be happy
'Happy' finds me knives or ropes
I hate to be happy
Because from there it's a downwards *****.

It is a constant pressure underneath my breastbone
That whispers evil at all hours of the day
'I could rip the life from a human without remorse'
'I could bleed them out with a smile on my face'

It is an unending notion in every corner of my brain
That, had I the motivation, I would immediately claim
'I could ingest a deadly concoction and disappear in a second'
'I could enact any complicated process that ends with me slain'

It is a nightly terror that follow me through daybreak
That renders me speechless with both fear and liberation
'I could let go of control and forget about mere consequence'
'I could finally allow my brain to drown in this sensation'

Homicidal. Suicidial. Manical.
I exercise control against these urges.
Massacre. Exhaustion. Insanity.
I wonder when I will forget this.

I am lonely, as I so often seem to be
My mind flips over and under endlessly.
I think myself to heights then fling my body down
I scream and complain without my mouth making a sound.

Pridefully -endlessly prideful, as I am- I keep to myself
Because loneliness will never drive me to beg for another's help.
I'd rather stare outwards infinitely, fingers perched and ready to type
And wonder what part of the internet used to bring entertainment to life.

Self-sufficient in the way I always claimed to be, I whisper lonely into my hands
Then run for the door like it's a bug I must release, watching nervously at where it lands.
I dance with myself, giggle and smile, then peel of my face to observe
Because it isn't allowed to show what I can only disclose within written words.

An army of people who will never exist muddle through life inside my head
We speak and we smile and I am pitiful enough that it makes the emptiness less.
And less is livable, less is doable with stiff posture, a smile, and laughs
Less is easier, more simple, more viable to tote away than Too Much's trash.

If I straighten my back, smile with teeth, and laugh boisterously
If I open my arms and wait for company, who will I meet?
If I looked at every person as a new opportunity and not a danger to me
I wonder if I'd make enough friends to calm this feeling for a century?

Questions contain a vulnerability that has never once failed to disgust me.
Yet and still, I write them down because questions are the door to possibility.
And somehow, whether answered or unanswered these questions may be
I will walk away from the result into a crowd of people I will not greet.

I will be lonely.

I care about you
Actually care, I do
But when I can't see you
I forget I do

I could believe in heaven
If only to imagine you in paradise
I could take up religion
And pray to see you again infinite times.

But I can't believe in a God that would let you leave
I can't kneel and beg to an unforgiving diety
I  can't hope and pray with no relief
I can't subscribe to a religion you never believed.

So I'll miss you instead.
I'll cry until the tears stain my face and bed.
I'll tell you to every person I meet.
I'll preach of Autumn on the corner of every street.

I'll keep loving you until I'm too old to breathe alone.
I'll respect you until I can't stand on my own.
I'll be proud to have known you until the end of my life.
I'll remember you until the end of time.

I'll write books as a eulogy and remain in hope
That I can show earth the purest of gold
I'll write poetry for you until there's nothing left to say
And then I'll write the same words in different ways.

And I'll wake up in the morning knowing you were here
And I'll sleep in that knowledge from year to year.
I'll remeber that smile and that frown you had


And I'll know, despite it all, it won't bring you back.

I could believe in heaven if only to imagine you in paradise.
I could take up religion and pray to see you infinite times.
I could sell my soul and every possession I own.
But instead I'll tell of the Autumn I had known.

If I could make sense of who I am
Perhaps I'd see you clearly
If I could make heads or tails of me
Then, maybe, I could begin healing.
If my brain could find order and peace
It's possible I'd love you freely
If I knew that I was right side up or upside down
I may finally stop abandoning you, may stop leaving.

But I've no clue who the mirror is showing me,
I've never seen that thing once in all my days.
And, *******, there's pitiful little good in knowing me
But you stayed and that saves me in a million, million ways.

If you'd put your arms around me, I know I'd push away
And if you told me you loved me I'd say 'it's just a phase.'
I haven't jumped into the unknown because I'm scared of where I'll land.


And I can't trust you until I make sense of who I am.