As to take my hands
And break every single bone
If you'd only be so kind
Take my heart and leave me alone
But don't touch my mind
My body is yours to harm
But if you'd be so kind
Please, leave me my mind.

My age may harm me in eighty years
And you may still peel my skin from muscle
But if you would show me a kindness
I swear I wouldn't struggle.
Death doesn't scare me
Neither does pain
I can take on the world
With little more than my brain.

I'm liable to survive
Through what I'm put through
Then come back with a vengance
And rip the heart out of you.
So you may hurt me now
Go ahead, be my guest
But if you leave me alive
I'll have your last breath.

If you've been here before you know the tone
That I took four years ago when I began posting poems
It's a tone and topic I'd thought I'd finally grown past
I am dishearted and disappointed when I once again ask:

Why am I alive?
I see no purpose, no joy, no fun in life.
What am I doing here?
Why didn't I end it long before this year?

I am tired. I am impossibly tired and I will be tired impossibly longer
I am done. I want it to end. I am ready to end. I have grown no stronger.
I am still as weak as the child with a knife and far too much strife to stay
I am little more than I was, with the addition of love that wears on me every day.

Why am I alive?
I am no longer despondent when I ponder this.
Why do I exist?
I can't be bothered to breathe with this emptiness.

This will be my last poem for some time, I can't bear to read through my own thoughts.
This will be my existence for more time, I can't make happiness from what is not.
Thank you for reading and commenting and being the sweet people of a poetry site.
I will be here, in a day or a year, to regale you with more of my thoughts of life.

'If I love it let it go'?
**** that, I say
If I love it I'll pin it down
I'll make sure it ******* stays.

I love. I love so much it hurts somedays
And I'd rather die than let go
Than allow it to slip away
Than to let it bring itself low.

My hands are cramping, I can't let go
I am terrified and I'm crying
But if I let go I don't think it'll come back
So I can't, I won't, I'm not even trying.

I want to scream and tear the world apart
I want to burn every suicidal letter I've written
Because I just realized a letter isn't enough
I want to make it better for him, for them.

I think I lost my mind today
Half of the day is a blank blur
I think I might've been hysterical
I laughed so hard but I don't know what for.

If you love it let it go
If it returns it's yours to keep
But if one can't ******* follow
Where the hell do the ends meet?

I'm angry, I'm furious,
I'm absolutely everything
I'm scared, I'm shaking
I can't let the things I love go free.

I had an idea
It starts with an 'E'
I had an idea
It was all for me
I had an idea
So bright in my head
Like a Kodak moment 'click'
But now the ideas' dead

I had an idea
And everyone wanted to know
I had an idea
As beautiful as snow
I had an idea
Pretty as can be
I had an idea
And it's all for me

I had an idea
Like music on the wind
I had an idea
Like freedom from sin
I had an idea
As tangible as brick
I had an idea
But now I've lost it

I forget sometimes, why
I'd stopped caring what you do
Now we talk again (we lie)
And I seriously ******* hate you

You make me a blubbering mess
Of vulnerability and anxiety
And under any amount of duress
I'll admit my hatred and push you from me

You grate on my nerves with your easy smile
So confident whilst I am without esteem
The very sight of you chokes me on my own bile
I wish to rend your flesh from your bones as you scream

I hate you
Abhor you
Despise you
Loathe you

And no matter how attractive
You used to be to me
Your personality is just ugly enough
For me to hate you with glee

We're getting to be good friends, but first, I must say:

There's nothing wrong with you
Lift your head up high

You always seem so trapped
But just this once, you can fly

You're quiet and reserved in person
But, ****, do you get by

You're unique and that's alright
(Jesus, how much incense do you light?)

You're art is amazing, kudos and kudos again
Did you need to hear that tonight?

You're intelligent as hell
And you don't even try

You don't spout *******
Though others always lie

You're not egotistical at all
You don't use "I" all the time

So yeah, I just wanted to say
You're doing good in life.

Now I'm hoping you don't read this
Because this is literally just what I thought
Of you with a little rhyme scheme
As well as what I think you're not

But if you do read this
I kinda admire you
You're one of those surreal people
Who still lets reality through

Should they next ask
"How
Can I help"
I may say
"Stop leaving marks on me
And I'll stop
Marking
Myself."

When I told you I was better
When I said I never relapsed
When I said the scars were healing
When I said the food stayed down
When I said you could do the same
When I said it gets easier

I lied.

I still cut and avoid food
Like the plague
I still cry at night
And there's nothing in the mirror
I don't hate

I still feel ugly
And hate the colour
Of my skin
I still pinch at my stomach
And feel so obese

I still say I'm 'erotophobic'
As though people want me
I still tell people I'm straight
And that 'I love God'

I'm still ashamed
I still blame myself
I still deny anything happened
I still believe I'm telling the truth

I'm still paranoid
I'm still afraid of everything
I still feel weak
I still have panic attacks

I still want to be held
I still pretend I like to comfort
I still pretend I'm strong
I still pretend I care

I still throw up
And my throat still hurts
I still smoke
And it still doesn't help

I still have rampant thoughts
I still hate conversation
I still feel inadequate
I still pretend I like my poetry

I still try to write my stories
The words no longer come to me
I still try to create a family of friends
I still can't abide the noise enough
To make it work

I'm still bitter
I'm still violent
I'm still unhappy
I still fake everything I do

I'm not really okay.
Not really.
And I wanted to say 'I'm sorry,'
I lied.

Where's the beauty without the cracks?
What is color without black?
Where's the the love without the hurt?
What is success without work?

I like you better broken
You look prettier when you bleed
I like you better torn open
There's music in your screams.

Where's the happy without the sad?
What is lucid without knowing mad?
Where is life without death?
What is having if nothing left?

I like you better shattered
Sharp edges glitter in moonlight.
You look so beautiful hurting
In too much pain to sleep at night.

The pieces don't fit, who's going to fix it?
You can't stand, can't sit, who's going to fix you?
The bleeding won't quit, who's going to fix it?
Fight or flight, run or hit, who's going to fix you?

I like you better broken
There's nothing here to mend.
I like you better bleeding
With your heart in my hand.

With your heart in my hand.

I don't want to accept
That one day you won't be here
That I won't always see you
That you might not last the year

And I'll mourn you
I'll cry
I'll weep, I swear
But to me you'll never die

Whatever the case
I'll remember your face
I'll remember your words
I'll remember your place

I'll remember your smile
I'll remember your song
I'll remember the way we got along
I swear to God, I'll remember you when you're gone.

Just the way you are
For everything you are
With every wound this world gave you
With every badly-healed scar.

I may not know your name
I may not know your story
We may not be friends
But you have love from me.

Because this world may twist and turn you
Life may beat and burn you
The depression may crush and churn you
But I will live and learn you

Pain may wear you down
Anxiety may eat you up
Loneliness may strangle you
But from me, you have love.

Don't let the mirror tell you lies tonight
You're perfect as you are
Whenever you can't endure through life
Remember, to me, you're a star.

-Chaus

Stay a little longer
The worlds not so bad
I love you, stranger
Please don't be sad

When the knife is in your hand and you want to die
Imagine I'm there whispering, "Please stay alive."

Maybe it's your home life
Or a relationship
But I love you, stranger
I doesn't have to be like this

When you're crying and you need to see blood
Open your computer and I'll comfort you like they should.

When you're lower than Earth's core
When you feel ready to leave
I love you, stranger
Please stay with me

You're slicing your arms and you won't eat
Wipe your eyes, clean your arms, and have something sweet.

You think no one cares
You hate yourself so much
I love you, stranger
I hope that's enough

You want love so bad, you want a hug
And I'm ready to give that, all it takes is some trust.

Because I want to listen
I want to see you well
I love you , stranger
More than you can tell

So when you need a someone to talk to, I'll be right here
I love you stranger, I'll lend an ear.

I missed you
But I won't say, "Hello," again
Because I'm tired of being
The conniving, barbaric, soulless friend.

To put it simply, I miss the thought of you
And hugs, and poetry, and stories, and conversations.
But I don't miss you, I don't miss the judgement
I don't miss feeling like I was so ******* useless.

I miss you more than you seem to know.
......She misses you too.
We talk more often now though
Because it helps that we get it, I think.

I'm not really sure how to react to all this
You being so....lost.
I sort of got into the habit of looking at you
For directions. Because I wanted to be like you, somewhat.

You're amazing, you know that?
You're the moon and the sun and autumn and
....and all the little things that bring about large smiles.
I wish I could put it to a rhyme scheme.

She's breaking. Not as bad as she could be
But she is breaking.
I don't want to watch that. I didn't sign up for this.
I didn't want to have to watch my friends crumble.

Friends. I can't even label you two as that.
It doesn't fit.
You're so much more than that. I want. I need.
The point is, you're more than 'friends'.

You're both so ridiculously beautiful, y'know?
It's not even fair or okay because people like you don't exist.
But I'm glad you do.
It's pretty ****** that I only managed to write this now.

I shouldn't even be writing this, honestly.
I should be biding my time until you get back.
I should wait maybe two weeks before I call you both.
And then I should sit you down and explain it to your faces.

I'd probably lose some friends doing that, though.
I'm terrified of losing you guys.
Like, legitimately, panic attack worthy, terrified.
It keeps me up at night, sometimes.

Because I love you guys. Scary, right?
I'm not used to saying that and meaning it.
I love you guys.
I want to see you two for a long time.

While I'm emptying my heart, I should mention
That I wrote a lot of poetry about you two
Including this, and it saved me,  I think.
I get where you are, and I've been there. I am there.

But it'd be great if you'd stay. If you'd both stay.
I don't wanna stick around without you guys.
You're something special and amazing and addictive....
And so, so, brokenly perfect.

So yeah. I guess I just wanted to say "I Miss You"
And get all this off my chest.
Because I need you here and she needs you here
But until you can be here, I can write poetry.

I used to know you like that
I used to know you better
I used to know the details of your smile
I used to know the workings of your brain

But we grew apart, miles apart
And now you're to far from my reach
And the distance hurts, it kills so sweetly
And I don't realize how far you are until you're gone

And I've missed you so badly lately
I miss you more than I miss myself
I miss you more than the old me who
Missed you better before you'd even left

I'm sure in some years, we'll have awkward chats
And I'm sure in some years I'll not be so bitter
And I know you think in some years we'll be friends
And have borderline domestic conversation about our kids

But I miss you now and I'll miss you after those years
I'll miss the easy camaraderie we've had from the start
I'll miss our borderline romantic relationship
I'll miss people asking if you were mine and vice versa

I miss the way you used to pull me flush against you
And I miss how I'd wind my arms round your neck
I miss how I felt your heartbeat beside mine
I miss how safe, how loved, how dependent I felt then

I miss how you'd calm me down with your presence
I miss how you'd take care of me, though I fought it tooth and nail
I miss feeling like I could try to overcome my fears to be with you
I miss how oblivious you were to how I felt, no matter what I did

I miss your irritating smile that always makes me do the same
I miss they way I used to feel when I wrote poetry about you
I miss the way you tried to hold me, though I was too scared to let you
I miss the way you looked when I mentioned other people purposefully

I miss the way we never said those three words; we weren't that far
I miss the way you broke me down and I let you, though it hurt
I miss the way I rebuilt myself to need you less and ended up needing you more
I miss the way you smiled when I couldn't do without you

And now we talk around the elephant in the room softly
And I hate averting my eyes like this, but I can't stop
I hate how we're just friends, even though it could be more
I hate how it should be more. It should be more, and you know it

I hate how I'm moving on, finding other people to fill the hole you left
I hate how I still feel empty, even though it's not been long enough to call it love
I hate how much it hurts to see you, though I mask the pain and smile
And I hate how I miss you even more than I miss myself

I don't what I'm doing
Or what I want to do
I don't know what career I want
To let debt alienate and misconstrue

I don't know how to love
I don't love myself
I don't know how to care
Unless it's about someone else

I don't know how not to panic
I don't know how not to care
I can't dismiss everyone's opinions
I can't pretend that they're not there

I'm just a kid
I know it's hard to believe
But take me at word value
And comfort me, help me, please

I'm just a kid
Stumbling about, acting like an adult
Waiting for anyone to take the lead
Because my little act won't hold

I'm just a kid
Wise and old as the sun
I'm just a kid
I'm stupid and young

I don't think you're
Even half as calm as you pretend
I don't think this doesn't bother you
The way you insist it doesn't
But I'm not going to change
Because I'm not sorry yet

You've moved on
You let her go
And I couldn't
For the life of me
understand how
Or much less why

She is, she was, she will be golden
And you are silver and I am coal
I understand I am out of place and line
But I might never see a shine like this again
So I'm more than happy to endear myself to her
Despite what you might feel, think, or say

You've found a different ore. I've yet to see what kind
Because I'm far to occupied watching the gold fade away
Into pure diamond. I'm not sorry yet.
I don't know how exactly you feel. I know you don't approve
But I'm slowing inching towards apathy to your opinion
It's unfair that you'd reject this for me, no matter my rank

I am a crow of a coal ore; if it's shiny- I want it.
She is iridescent in all the ways you never saw
I pledge nothing, I promise even less; however,
I don't see myself growing tired of this glow
And though that terrifies me, I'll push forwards
Because I'm not ready to make your mistakes

And I'm not sorry yet, I regret nothing
And I may never feel remorse for catching
What you so carelessly ****** from yourself
I don't require perfection, this diamond may have her faults
I won't reject the simple scars of life and love and laughter
And though you call me your friend, I won't apologize

And in the future, both distant and near, this may be taboo
We may avoid the topic on tiptoe and let the feelings fester
You may wait and crave an apology, and I will do the same
But I'll never apologize for following what my heart calls happiness
And you will never apologize for not accepting this the way you want to
Thus, I am not sorry yet, and I will not be sorry later.

I wonder, if I'd killed myself before I met you, if we'd both be happier now
I'd take the first chance at a do over
I constantly wonder why I chose to do things like this
I constantly want to run as far as I can
As far as the next train station
So that I can stare at the mocking signs
That tell me to keep off the tracks

I wonder, twice a day, three days a week, how you'd react if I simply stepped past the yellow
How much of my blood would replace the yellow safety line
Would everything end in an instant
Would I feel pain
Would I have time to regret
To be as intensely sad as I am now
Would I have the wherewithal
To apologize in my head
But not with my lips

I consider everyone who passes me by
Perhaps they'd love me like this
Perhaps they'd treat me like that
Perhaps maybe possibly somehow
But I have no wishes at home
At home inbox them away and stare at nothing
And feel my heart beat itself to an early death
And wonder
What could possibly
Be taking it so long.

I don't want to be here.
I'm terrified to go.
But that's mattered less, lately.

Sometimes I forget that things don't go as planned
I meddle and I **** with no thought to consequence
I see a fix and grab it without checking all the facts
I forget reason, people, and, most importantly, to ask.

I love you, I want to see you happy and fulfilled
I'd rather cart you on my back than let you climb your own hills
I push and shove and rush though the problem isn't mine
And, just like that, I go too far at times.

I'm at a loss on how to talk this out when there is no conversation
I've never wanted or managed to make you lose your patience
You tolerate my intolerable **** with a smile and a laugh
Which isn't an invitation to intensify, I will remember that.

I don't understand the situation or your feelings towards it
But I saw an opportunity and, immediately, I bit
And somethings are in honest better left to themselves
So I won't **** and mettle in your relationship with someone else.

I'd like to say this; however, because I can't say it enough
I'm sorry, I was wrong, I'm so sorry I broke your trust
And this anger is a first, and a last hopefully
So, again, I'm sorry, please forgive me.

I'll climb the highest mountain
To prove my worth
And yet and still
I am inadequate

I'll walk across lava
As testament to my bravery
And yet and still
I am incompetent

I'd do many things
So foolish just to please
Just to be judged
And not found wanting

And you'll judge me
Knowing you too will be judged
And yet and still
You find me lacking

And I am lacking
I am not unique
You won't see me in the window
With all the timeless antiques

You won't catch me and feel proud
Because I'm not short of supply
And I'm not high in demand
As I do not satisfy

I am but the inadequate
As quantifull as air
As unique as dirt
Nothing special by any means

I don't make the quota
I'm not significant or memorable
I'm not the one
I'm not an exclusive individual

I'm not much at all
There's nothing to see
Don't look for diamonds
In this rough of inadequacy.

I've posted a picture
And no one has liked it
It hasn't a single comment
And I have grown befret

Yes, children are starving worldwide
And that family has no where to sleep
And there is a war just over there
But no one has liked this picture of me

I written a clever status that's sure to cause a laugh
I posted it with complete confidence of it's worth
It's been a full day and not a single person cared
And even though it shouldn't, it really hurts

And it's these insipid, inane, insignificant things
That seem so important at the time
That make me stop and seriously ponder:
'Just when exactly did I lose my mind?'

When did I stop caring about that lady on the road?
When did I stop crying over all the deaths?
When did I begin ignoring that beggar?
Rather than give the dollars I had left?

When did I stop putting trash where it belongs?
When did I stop caring about that abandoned dog?
When did I start accepting that 'things won't change'?
Why am I just realizing I've been jaded far too long?

When did Earth become a vessel for my plans
Instead of my greatest comfort?
When did nature stop being my friend
And become leaves and bugs and dirt?

When did creativity become useless
And business begin to rule my brain?
When did fun become a chore?
Now that I must be 'serious and sane'

It's all the little things that made life pretty as a child
It's all the little things I haven't bothered to do once more
And if I just shook off this funk of 'maturity' and 'sensibility'
I dare say it would all come back and once again, I'd soar.

Everything I do
Every word I write
Every hour of work
Every dream in sight

I do it it for them
I write it all for them
I work because of them
I dream only for them.

A smile, a kiss, a hug
Repayment in the fullest.
A laugh, a simple touch
Makes it all worth it.

Every step I take
Every breath in my lungs
Every move I make
Every word I've sung.

I take it for them
Breathe for them
I move for them
I sing to you.

All of us are ***** here
-Except you-
And we gravitate to your purity

In our attempts to be like you
We fail to see
You becoming like us

Your innocence is fading
It was soiled by our taint
And now it is dying

Is it impossible to keep purity
Once you've been exposed
To the filth that we are?

If so, I apologize, the next time I see
Someone you beautifully clean
I'll leave them well enough alone.

I've devised a little plan
To create a family
Of the people I believe
I can let grow close to me
I'd like to be their sun
As they'll be my skies
And when one of us is hurting
We'll hold them as they cry
We will be the most loving
The most caring family
And my goal is selfless
It begun solely for me

They teased
And laughed
She smiles
But it hurts

They complain
And hate
And she apologizes
But it hurts

They ignore
They return
She accepts them
But it hurts

They confide
They don't listen
So she's quiet
But it hurts

They're confused
They don't understand
But she's gone now
And it doesn't hurt anymore.

There's a small army
Of clapping people
In my stomach

I wish someone would put me down to my face
So I could run and cry while someone stood up in my place
I wish they'd stand tall and tell that person that really, I'm quite great
I wish, I wish, I wish, but no one will stand for this face

I wish they'd say "she's just hurting"
That it's fake, the smile on my face
I wish they'd say "she just needs to do some crying"
That I don't have confidence, just self-hate

And I wish the person who insulted me
Would then comprehend
Everything I try to be
Versus who I really am

I wish they'd change their ways
And love me like I always craved but never had
I wish they'd dig past the craze
And see that I'm not all that bad

I wish they'd laugh at my jokes
I wish they'd see when I'm hurt
And never succumb to the pity I evoke
I wish they'd see how hard I work

I wish they'd see the knife in my hand
And kiss away my tears until I let it go
I wish they'd see the noose round my neck
And tell me "No, no, no"

I wish, I really do
That someone would get me
That someone could see
The frown behind the smile of a clown

But no one ever does
I've too much pride to tell them myself
So I'll let the bitterness fester
And live in my self-made Hell.

I wish, I hope
But bitterness is an acidic dish
So even though it won't do any good
God, how I wish

Her smile is directly linked to his
In the same way the moon is to the tide
And they smile
And laugh
And cry
Simultaneously
As their hearts beat in sync.

Like two pieces of an endless puzzle
They fit when none of the others do
And they live
And breathe
And die
Together
As one entity.

The world is jealous of their dynamic
But no one is more jealous than me
As I wait
And fret
And rage
Impatiently
For the same dynamic to take me.

I ****** away
The knife in your hand
And you begin to cry
As I've betrayed you again

"How much longer?"
You'll always ask
"How much longer?"
And I answer, though this won't be the last:

Just a little longer
Maybe one day I won't stop you
Just a little longer
But for now I can't lose you

I turn off the water
Breathe air into your lungs
And your eyes are accusing
Because I've always won

"How much longer?"
You're screaming
"How much longer?"
Tears streaming, and I say

Just a little longer
What if this feeling fades
Just a little longer
And you want to live someday?

Not yet
Not yet
Not yet!

I wasn't there to save you
If you'd waited just a little longer
You'd still be here
And secretly I wish you'd been stronger

Because you only hurt
The places I can't see
You only create wounds
In places I can't reach

Because you're just like the others
Just like everyone I tried before
Because when I put in everything
You leave me broken and sore

Because you got me thinking
About everything I hate to want
And when I told myself to take the risk
You left me needing and alone

Because I'm too insecure for what you want
Even though you pull harder than my push
And when I think you're falling with me
You save yourself while I'm snapping out of the rush

Because I could say so much when people ask
Why I haven't finally had more than enough
When they ask why my heart lives on my sleeve
But to this day, I've only replied "Just because."

It flows
Like blood
Like fire
Like tears down my face
It hurts
Like love
Like hate
Like an end of the days
I want
I need
I don't even care
I cry
I weep
But nobody's there
The balcony is calling
Softly
Sweetly
It hurts to ignore
The ground below it
What am I waiting for?
The knife is whispering
Inside my head
It hurts to ignore
The peace behind the blade
What am I waiting for?
The  fire is calling
In my hand
It hurts to ignore
It's lung killing brand
What am I waiting for?
**** me
Hurt me
I'm so immune
Stab me
Laugh
Drive the knife home
Unfair with me
But not with them
Because you love them
You love them
You do
I'll **** them
And then **** you
Because I hate you
I hate you
I do
I'm insane
I've crossed the line
I feel the heady
On the Joy of time
After you've taken to much
After so little
I'm insane
I am
I look to the mirror
It speaks to me
I yell as my answer
As I am guilty
The mirror laughs
Like it always does
Then morphs into me
And by then
Through the tears
I can barely see
I hurt, I hurt
But I'll never let it show
Right down to the day I **** myself. No
Point in denying my end is my own
And I'll see to my life, on the way home
My head is collapsing
But my eyes are wide open
My shoulders crumble
My torso dissolves
But my legs keep walking
Until they fall
And fall they do
However, they fall up
And my head is abandoned
While my legs float up
I've no way to regain
The rest of myself
And what's left of me
Is still useless
Collecting dust on the shelf
And there's no one to love
And no one who'll love
There's no one to smile with
No one to talk to
And yet, all in all
I still stop in awe
As I look at those people
That I called friends
Who know so much
But so little in the end
And my family
Which isn't family at all
And my father whom I hate
And mother I abhor
And sisters I despise
What am I waiting for?
I could end it all
End it all tonight
**** them all
And leave at first light
And that's when I remember
I'm not truly insane
I put the knife away
And scold my brain
A stick of cancer at my lips
To chase the thoughts away
And as I inhale
I feel saner in every way
A fake smile that carries me through the day
I show it to my friends
And brush away
My problems, my issues
Because I don't matter
They should be happy
As my heart shatters
Four years, four years
Since my insanity began
I found love
I lost it again
I gave up my body
For hasty "I love you's"
Gave up my soul
Though I didn't mean to
Gave up my heart
I gave it to him
He thanked me
Took it
And left with it
A lifeless
Loveless
Disgusting corpse, I am
A foolish
Hopeful
Shell of what I used to be
I'm still waiting
Still hoping
But It'll never come
Just a bit too ugly
A bit too mean
A bit too caring
A bit too confident
A bit too smart
A bit too dumb
A bit too Me
To ever find love
A bit too paranoid
A bit too hurt
A bit too aggressive
A bit too hateful
To ever want it
A bit too human
A bit too desperate
A bit too needy
A bit too clingy
A bit too expecting
To not need it
And the Balcony calls me
And the Noose calls me
And the Knife calls me
And the Flame calls me
And Death is just behind their voices
And I run
Run
Run
And they follow
**** me
**** me now
I'd like to fly
To be free
Above the clouds
Or at the very least die
For the absence of sound
I'd exalt in that second
Where I would be free
Before the fire's of hell
Would rear up to claim me
I'd laugh
I'd scream
I know I'd shout
As I let the years
Of suppressed insanity out
And I roar it down
Onto the Earth
Until everyone feels my pain
But before I let the thought fester
I shake the insanity away
It's funny how
I think I'm insane anyway
I'm just a normal child
With a bit more pain
Wearing  my heart on my sleeve
In the pouring rain
And so I beg one last time
**** me
**** me dead.

I'd give my soul to you
For a chance to say goodbye
For a chance to say I love you
One last time.

I did, will, and do love you
Hello and goodbye my friend
I did, do, and will love you
Until we meet again.

It's a feeling of...of respect.
I don't think of them as friends.
I can't think of them as conquests.
They're above that, above me, above you.

In fact; it's more like awe.
It's more like being struck stupid
In the face of a star.
Except that's not quite right....

Imagine you meet your favorite idol
But you don't know it's them
But something about them calls your soul
And your body, until you become friends.

And it turns out they're absolutely unreal
It turns out they're...they're amazing
That's how they make me feel
That's how I see them

I can't just hug them like I do my other friends
And I can't just talk to them like they aren't beyond human
I can't just smile at them, can't pretend
Because they're everything I've never knew I wanted for me.

I've held us together
When we're falling apart
With copious amounts of
Duct tape and super glue
I held on tightly
Until my fingers were cramping
But I'm starting to think
It's time to let go

I wrote you some poems
You can find on my page
That explained how I'd never give up
And I know they're all lies
Because in this moment
I wouldn't just let go
I'd push, I'd shove, I'd ****** you from me
This isn't what friendship is like

Your one word answers still hurt
When I pour my heart out to you
And I'm still thinking you don't care
Until you have something to tell
Do you listen to me at all?
It's been six years, but I never asked.
Am I even your best friend?
Or am I your personal punching bag?

I'm tired of you breaking my ideas
Of you raining on my parade
Because if I did the same
I know you'd ignore me for days upon days
So this is me saying "Farewell"
I'm detaching myself from you
I'm not an extension of you anymore
I know know nothing about you.

"I'm okay," I whisper, stubbornly forcing my jagged edges back together.
"I'm okay," I murmur to my favorite knife, and it believes me as much as I do.
"I'm okay," I tell my ceiling, and count the breaths I'm still taking.
"I'm okay," I insist to my reflection, and I pretend I believe it is me.
"I'm okay," I mouth to my computer, and it distracts me until I believe.
"I'm okay," I think, and I do not believe myself, so I will say it once more.



"I'm okay," I whisper, stubbornly forcing my jagged edges back together.

Don't trust a word I say
I'm a liar, I swear
I lie in public, I lie at home
I lie so well it can't be fair
So don't trust me at all
I even lie to myself
I'll cross my heart (hope to die)
But my fingers are crossed as well.

"I know it's cliche, but-"
You may stop right there
As, yes, cliches exist
And nobody cares
But life is cliche
We're all just living jokes
With stories told and lived
Since millennias ago.

Be as cliche as you wish,
You can't change what's done
And the way you express it
Or the need to tell someone
Wear your cliche with pride
Because, years before you, another did not
And it tore them inside
And now, in the earth, their body rots.

"I'm in so much pain, but none of it's physical
And god, that's so ******* cliche,"
But it's the only description you know
Your played out storyline's seen better days.
Because it's such a played out, worn out cliche
But it's unique because you hurt in your own way
And lord knows we're all dealing with the same thing
Living a cliche and fighting for something to change.

You smile, you laugh; you hurt, you cry
And I promise you another in the past
Laughed and cried at the exact same time
Right up until the day they died.
Because you may be something special
But don't ever think you're something new
You're life's been lived, been replayed
By hundreds, maybe thousands, before you.
So, yes, it's going to be a cliche.

Life is right-handed
Just a little bit different
Just slightly inoptimal for you
Or perhaps you are inoptimal for life.

You live with your left hand outstretched
But recieve with only your right.
And the world was made ever so slightly
Without you in mind.

Belonging is overrated
Unless, of course, you already belong.
But you've never quite fit in a square box
You're slanted, just a bit.

Perfection is impossible
For all those who haven't acheived it, at least.
You've never been a failure, just
You've never really fit.

Life is right-handed and you
You are not.
You are not a victim, not marginalized
You are not excluded or left behind.

But you are left-handed
And Life is not
And the world was made ever so slightly
Without you in mind.