What if the Titanic
Couldn't cope with expectations
And instead of dodging the iceberg,
Saw an opportunity to be free?

I don't know you, but you're a part of me
With every beat, every lyric, every note, every key
And now that you're gone, I feel so lost, so empty
As though I'll spend life searching for you
Until we meet, perhaps in the afterlife
To ask you, why did you leave like this?
Why leave the earth to shine bright in the sky,
To be a revered, inspiring, light, lasting only a moment?
Help guide us home, lead us to a better place
Give us a sign, anything, to know that you're well
Remind us you're there, and you'll never be forgotten
I've never seen you live, how I wish I did
Perhaps I should have tried harder
Perhaps I should have listened more
Had I known you'd be gone now...
I would've done things differently.

I had my fingers on a string
And only I could see
The pleasant sound that I could bring
A note of symphony.
The fond caress of vibration
On the forgotten hand
Evokes in me such elation
I fly above my land.

We light a candle with the fervent hope
That this shall not be the end of our rope,
That there is still more in us we can give-
There is a better way for us to live.
We wonder if we'll ever be good enough
Delicate diamonds lying in the rough.
Much as we wish that we can find a way
There is a time, a place, for a new day.
As we crave feeling in bodies struck dumb,
So we shall wait, for good things yet to come.

Stop bugging me as I sleep!
You plague me with weird dreams
You confuse with random thoughts
You leave me dazed as I wake.
Get away from me, you creep!
Everything's not as it seems
You tangle my brain in knots
Were you born as a mistake?
(Though at times you make me weep;
In nightmares I'm made to scream)
I guess you've taught me a lot
You are my glue when I break.
When I'm too afraid to leap
When all's dull, and nothing gleams
As I escape to your spot
You make me smile as I ache.

I don’t know how to smile
A simple curve of mouth
Takes me an intense while
It ends up being a pout.
There are queries I make
To all who can dazzle
Without fault or mistake
Without getting frazzled.
Must one’s teeth be exposed?
How must one move the lips
So it does not look forced?
They try to give me tips.
“The mirror is your friend
It depends on your face
There’s only a slight bend
Before a dark grimace.
Try new angles each time
See when you look decent
It is a steady climb
To appearing pleasant.”
How must I compute this?!
I did do as they said
I either look amiss
Or angry and half-dead.
It’s not that I am plain
I try not to think so
But it causes me pain
I can’t go with the flow.
I fear taking pictures
It makes no sense to me
Why go through a torture
Each time with company?
Self-portraits are common
Nowadays called ‘selfies’
Everyone’s forgotten
When one’s a true beauty.
But I can’t even smile
Simplest trick of them all
To go the extra mile
I can’t summon the gall.
But I’ve heard my friends say
When one is not conscious
At the end of the day
That photo is precious
It captures a memory
Of a true, blissful curve
A good moment's history.
I must try to observe
Those unabashed smiles
And try to repeat those
Without going out of style
And trying a weird pose.

I could never tell the world of my poems
If they knew who I really, truly am
If this name was real, my virtual mask gone
They'd be surprised, and treat me like a scam
Who would spend time reading these heavy lines,
Without questions or making assumptions?
No one likes poems these days, I've asked them all
They prefer those words made for consumption.
So I'll keep the veil on, now, forever
Thankful for those people here I don't know
They read my work, and look past the disguise
To a girl seen fighting to write and grow.

As the days blend into an endless night
We try to welcome change with delight
If only there were a way to tell
If the future would be heaven or hell
Perhaps we may be better prepared
To make the most of the time we've shared,
To remember those who are gone too soon,
To be grateful for every fortune,
To work without pride, to be forgiving,
To cherish the love of those still living.
Even if foreboding makes us unsure
We hope for the strength to live and endure.

When the dust had cleared
A hand was found, lying still
Life was what it feared.

I'd walk ten thousand miles to find peace
To Japan, via Portugal and Greece.
I'd hike the Himalayas to find calm
I'd discover the meaning of a Psalm.
I'd meditate in Tibet to find quiet
I'd learn to maintain a balanced diet.
I'd take a yoga class to stretch my feet
I'd focus on the sound of a heartbeat.
I'd be mesmerized by the light of day
Lurking by a sea, staring at a bay.
I'd swim across an ocean for a while
Wishing to regain my former style.
If and when I do reach my goal
I hope I'll finally become whole.

As I stare, out my window
A whole new world I can see.
It's nothing like what I know
Timeless tales of Odyssey
Told by each droplet from high
Across tarnished panes of old
Dancing against the grey sky
T'is not warm, yet not too cold.
Often the heavens do rage
Seething forsaken thunder
Booming from cloud-guarded cage
The flashes gleam asunder.
Burning the ground when they hit
Striking with melancholy
Lasting for less than a whit
Vanishing in their glory.
Oh, abhorred Midas touch!
Scarring revered sand to glass!
It will not do- t'is too much!
Disaster has come to pass.
Deafening sound each long day
Or night? It is uncertain.
There is no dark, light- just grey
The skies rid unknown burden.
The heavens echo strange rhythm
"Deathless drummer, kindly stop!"
Beg voices from broken chasms-
Sleepless amidst failing crop.
Yet, one fails to realise
Harsh Nature's painful beauty
Each cry- contrite sacrifice
To create a symphony
In the air as lights do blend
Within a drop build color
An arc of seven friends sent
Cleansing any mood so dour.
It is sudden, unknown, new.
One cannot see it arrive
Yet it exists, among a few
Splashes of grey that survive.
So, oftentimes it is said
When all is lost in a storm
From the ashes of the dead
Will rise hope with unique form
That one cannot understand
Or recognize at first glance
Explore the glass of the sand
Don't lose faith, take a chance
It will hold your hand throughout
Bearing hail, fog, mist and rain
Keep it close, for, without doubt
It will be worth all the pain.

I don't know how to believe
That there'll be a kinder time
With something good to receive
A hill easier to climb.
Oh it's just a waste of hours
Thinking it'll soon be nicer
Fate has stripped me of my powers
While I grow none the wiser.
If anyone's reading this
Tell me it will be okay
That there is a unique bliss
After my fears go away!
I remain stuck in a hole
The world's always moving on
This night, I ask, with all my soul:
Will I ever see a dawn?

There are days when I drown in emotion
When I bleed it out, with words on a sheet
The pain, the grief, the anger or envy
Regret, heartbreak, hatred till I'm replete.

So then I decide not to write again-
I don't want to swim in self-pity.
But I break; I cannot stop! How could I?
Poems bring out light when life is ******.

My words may be crude, they're surely broken,
With no rhythm, rhyme, or sense, many a time.
Yet they weave a thread that guides me ahead,
That holds me aloft when I cease to climb.

How does one find faith during a tough time,
To choose a path that's an impossible climb?
How can one smile when everything goes wrong
Knowing that you'll be fine, that you'll be strong?
How does one build up the courage to stay
When every bit of you wants to run away?
How can one resist from giving up hope
Even when you hold on to the thinnest rope?
How does one learn to get up from a fall
When no one teaches it to you, at all?
I'm looking for answers in a dark room
Unsure if I'm headed for light or doom.
If anyone reading this has a clue
Tell me how you did it, I'll learn from you.

"What plans do you have? Doing anything fun?"
How do I say that I plan to have none?
If a filled calendar means I'm living right
I'd gladly live wrong, with peaceful days and nights
"Seize each moment, you're running out of time!"
I'd rather enjoy what's left of my prime
Quiet, indoors, away from loud nonsense
Feeling alive in the sound of silence.

I like the dark.
Why does one say it is sad?
The sky isn't dazzling without it
A hero isn't intriguing without it.
I feel at home under the sheets
In a dark room, holding the hand of Silence
For we are old pals, acquainted by time
Words flow unsaid between us
Revelations new, thoughts of old
Scattered by the harshness of light
The brilliance of reality that wakes
From a peaceful slumber, even in unrest.
So I bid goodbye to my good friend
Leaving one hand for another
Only to greet it again in the peace of the night
Light and Dark are Yin and Yang
From their union a spirit sang
"Light isn't always great
One takes as much as one could-
And Darkness isn't really bad
It's just... misunderstood."

Maybe there's no hope, too much time has passed
Whatever I started, never did last
Oh how I wished, I wished it would endure
Perhaps I did it with a heart impure
And now I look at the blank road ahead
Wanting to exist somewhere else instead
To retrace paths and restart, unseen
To come back feeling proud, with my conscience clean
But the laws of physics don't work that way
So if I have to live another day
I'll start again with no expectation
Maybe enjoy the process of creation,
Cast away the ropes that left my hands tied,
Be less consumed by the demons inside.
Let me forgive my mistakes, in the mind
Let me find the strength to leave them behind.

Coldplay was right
There IS a sky full of stars
It's not unreal, it does exist!
So many things i see
I see twinkling beacons of light
I see a whole world beyond
That I long to join, in a plane I create
One day that day shall arrive
One day, I shall fly in the sky.

I don't remember much of it before
The time I was without sense on the floor
Struck dumb and blind beneath a clear sky
Watching clouds go by, watching the birds fly.
Then came a tornado calling itself life
Swept me away and stabbed with its cruel knife
I writhed in agony, frantic and sad
I was depressed since, never was I glad.
To some logs I held as fast as I could
They broke away-as Fate thought they should.
But then you came along, in pain as well
Grasping in dread through a personal hell
A similar storm chasing you away
You didn't know whether to run or to stay
Somehow our paths aligned- I could not see
How this union would mean less misery.
We still held hands and bore down the tempest
Striving for something that meant more than the rest
Undefinable, which was above words
In spite of the countless poems it spurred.
I don't know as yet, if we'll ever win
If it'll be worth all the forgotten sins...
I'm so blessed it's your voice I hear
When I'm overwhelmed with some petty fear
So it anchors me to the here and now
Marvelling in this happiness bestowed.
As you give to me, I try my best to give
As much of myself as I hope to live
A small gift in this prison-house of pain
One I hope never to search for again.
In the end we're just a couple of souls
Barging unknowingly towards our goals
Yet the string between us is stretched so tight
It will never tear, even as we fight.
I'm the best sceptic you can ever find
But I'm a fool with you, stating love's blind
Doing things beyond my wildest dreams
An unlikely pair making a good team.
But time does go on, and people do change
I like myself with you- I know, it's strange.
This illusion works, cliché as it sounds
Somehow constant as the world goes around.
We try to find our new infinity
As old ones die, gripping reality
We're insignificant specks in this fire
Floating away as we spin up higher
Where all shall we go? What all can we do?
Answers I love to find, each day, with you.

Is it called drowning
If it happens in a pool
I chose to swim in?

I wonder if the tree knows
That even if it has no leaves
Its dark facade simply glows
It's a marvel Nature's conceived.

How come we don't understand
That we're all trees of our own kind
That we are not dull or bland
That we somehow choose to be blind?

I burn, one among countless flames
You've never seen me, nor will you
Your eyes are on my dazzling friends
But I hope.. you'll want something new.
I can't say I've much to offer
But I'll do my best to guide your way
I'll keep you safe through the dark nights
Perhaps... even light up your day.

The scent of coffee lingers in the air
As the poet writes her heart out with flair
Caffeine gave her strength when life made her sad
Her words held her up when no one else had.

Just when you think
You've gotten over all of it
One word, one person
Hurts your smile just a bit
And the illusion fades
To show the cracked glass
That won't heal again
Patches through the greenest grass.
I guess pain doesn't go away
And one doesn't truly let go
It just becomes easier to bear
Than pretend that it isn't so.

I either say too little or too much
I'm unbreakable, or too delicate to touch
Flirting with extremes, mine is a plastic soul
Every minute that I fail takes its toll
Should I shut up, should I continue to talk,
Should I be vulnerable, should I be a rock?
Should I stop writing, or should I not care,
Am I being too honest for weak minds to bear?
No matter what, it's never enough
I guess I'm not made of the right stuff
What's the point of even attempting to hide
When I see they will never be satisfied?
It doesn't seem right, this world, why do I please?
What ****** deities am I trying to appease?
So I'll gladly wear my heart upon my sleeve
Knowing I will not be granted a reprieve.

If my heart is a room
You claimed it as your lair.
You lived in it, for ages
But then you left... I'm not sure where.

This space now feels smaller
That you're not here to see
The one place that was yours for life
Collects dust as it is empty.

Its ceiling's falling down
The walls are turning gray
Will you come stay just one last time?
Perhaps it won't wither away.

I am a half-full glass of truth
My regrets are aplenty.
I spilled my contents on a friend
I don't know if I'm half empty.

A grave story I did relate
One very close to my heart
Little did I know I would feel
Like a painter without her art
Like a writer without words
Like a scientist without logic
A plane unable to fly,
A magician without magic.

I'm adjusting to what is left
A shadow of its former glory
Tainted by choice, deliberate ruin
A hapless chapter in my story.

This world is made up of English words
Everywhere I see, they're all renowned
With meaning, with purpose by themselves
With tones of their own, with unique sounds.

I'm a letter from another language
If I could change, I would do some good
I remain lost, as I can't be applied
If I use my voice, I'm not understood.

I don't even care anymore
About getting hundred percent
My life is dull,drab and absent
Who really cares about their scores?    
Because I don't care anymore
About impressing professors
Appearing diligent, sincere
I was like that long before
For i started to care no more
About immaculate neat work
Now it starts to drive me berserk!
Papers scattered about the floor
Because I really care no more
About how proud parents would be
'Wonderful child!' They do decree
Blinded by pride- my eyes are sore
Because I can't cry anymore.
What does one get out of it all?
Filthy numbers before a fall?
An urge to run out of the door?
I don't even care anymore
About dreadful stories conjured
Out of acronyms-minds injured
Bleed ignorance desperately bored
It's pointless to care anymore.
'Have a thirst for knowledge', they say
Little do they know it has stayed
To form an ache amidst the gore
Of trying to not care some more...    
Writing nonsense is habitual
It has become a dumb ritual
Spinning yarns like the days of yore...
Am I supposed to care anymore?
Four years of engineering
After which the truth is leering
At those whose rambles are adored
Unaware of anything more.  
'This is college! Learn on your own'
They say,and we wear till our bones
Trying now to invent folklore
But now i don't care anymore.
Must I persist?now I must ask
Am i really up to the task
Of understanding from the core
I'm sure of nothing anymore.
Yet I insist, why so? Why now?
I could leave- a cowardly cow!
Moving to things on other shores
Must i try to care anymore?
Some people get drunk,some smoke up
But once one starts then one can't stop
So I moan through my rhyme galore  
You see, I can't care anymore.
But I question without answers
Too tired to be the seeker
My brain is an assorted store
With new ways of caring some more.

Sometimes, I just want a break.
There’s only so much I can take.
Sometimes I just want to breathe
Yell out the pain that lies beneath
Scream to the liars the truth
Find my own medicine that soothes
The anguish that makes me cry
The things I’m too tired to deny,
Knots I want to unravel
In idyllic bliss of travel.
I’m tired of too much work
It’s driving me crazy, berserk
That I repeat some old rhymes
For me, I can’t find any time
There is happiness I seek
A smidgen of courage to speak
Confidently to a crowd
Using talents on me bestowed.
I want to sleep for long days
Without messes in life to face
I don’t want a surgery
To extract foreign cyst in me
I want a good vacation
A month, a year of elation
I want to be who I’m not
Nimbly practise what I’ve been taught.
I am a rudderless ship
Someone, tell me to get a grip!
Is there anyone out there?
Not one who understands or cares?
I keep looking for someone
Lord knows, around me, I’ve a ton
Many I can lean upon
Who’d mourn for me when I am gone
I wonder on that, you know
If anyone would miss me so
If I’ve helped anyone live
If there’s someone I must forgive
I didn’t want to write sad poems
Yet, this is, a perverse proem
The last one searching for glee
Written by me in misery.
Why, why must it be so hard?
Why does life have to hand me shards?
God, lead me somewhere in peace
I can’t bear this anymore, please!
I’m exhausted with myself
With the world, with my selfish self.
(I know, I know what to do
You don’t have to give me a clue)
Give me moments to wallow
On thoughts that you don’t have to know
I’m anxious, not crazy or mad.
I’ll get up soon, don’t be sad.
But there are the times I think
Staring at space, drowning in drinks-
“Sometimes, I want to run away
Each time, I don’t know why I stay.”

If I were a poem
I'd be made of words
That only you'd understand.

Would the ocean feel any pain
If it couldn't tide, would it strain?
If the moon didn't pull it each night
With no force to help it feel light
Struggling with its surface tension
Reaching out, without attention
Would it burst under the pressure?
Or would it die, without pleasure?
I would relate to its heartache
Holding it in, trying not to break.
Universe, stop calling my bluff.
I think... I've had more than enough.

If I had more tears left to cry
They'd roll down without care
Hurricanes from my eyes
Glorious storms of despair.

They'd speak volumes without a word
I wouldn't have to explain
They'd flow till my vision is blurred
So I needn't see through the pain.

I have stayed in the water for so long
Descending, sinking, falling to its depths
Existing any other way feels wrong.
I haven't died, but I can't breathe in air
I'm suspended in the waves of the sea
I don't know to live, I don't even care.

But what if

I kicked, I splashed, I clawed at the water,
Until my limbs, my heart and chest are sore
Until I figured out just how to swim
So I can slowly navigate ashore?
What if I scratched, I fought, I learned to live?
What if I refused to drown anymore?

How do people keep on trying
As though their hearts aren't broken
With every rejection, each no?
We just can't control what'll happen
We wait for tides to ebb and flow
Knowing fully well we're only boats
Impatient pawns on a chess board
In a horrid storm that only grows.
Waiting listlessly for an end
Confiding in foes and secret friends
Now I'm entirely at a loss
Which of my coins will Fate toss?
Or will it even try something
Has it given up on me too?
Just as I've lost hope in myself
I know what's false, but what is true?

Give me a sense of peace and quiet
Take me away from this place
Leave me be...for just a moment
I'll come back, at my own pace.

I need to breathe, to think, to feel
Don't worry, I'll return soon
Leave me be...to centre my soul
I'll emerge from my cocoon.

"What doesn't **** one must make one stronger."
Perhaps I broke that rule- I still feel weak.
Does this mean the struggle will last longer?
I have lost the will to fight anymore
My wounds aren't healing, they've become too sore.
So I roam around earth, half-dead, alive
Dreaming of a future that isn't bleak
Knowing I can't live, I'll only survive.

Don't get comfortable
Because when you do,
Life makes you lose balance,
So you fall, down, down, down
With no floor approaching
Into the darkness, numb, screaming
"When will this end?"
Keep looking out for it
You never know
When you'll be next.

"You need to talk more"
They say to my face.
"She needs to socialize"
They say behind my back.
Twenty years I cried over this
Twenty years I tried being better
Twenty years I hated every fibre of my being
Because I was something I thought I disliked.
But you know what?
*******, ******* who tell me to change.
*******, idiots who made me uncomfortable in my own skin.
I make less noise, did you ever think of that?
I don't bug others to TALK, TALK, TALK more.
I'm least interested in the dull details of your lives.
A simple 'Hi' suffices, don't you think?
I have people I adore, friends who are wonderful.
I'm fine as I am. I love myself.
I love being by myself.
I don't need you to tell me how to be.
I didn't ask for your ****** opinion, not at all.
Go jump off a cliff, won't you?
There'll be a little more quiet in the world.

You welcome me into your arms,
As I arrive, alive, undead
You've seen me at my worst before,
You hold me while I shake with dread.

It feels so comfortable here
I keep coming back when I'm blue.
When will I learn to stay away?
I don't know how I'll escape you.

Sometimes when I'm brimming with words to say
My mouth shuts up, nothing comes out.
It works to my advantage at most times
But when I want to scream or shout
Yell to the world when I'm happy or sad
Or just have a conversation
There's no one I can count on to hear me
Listen without explanation.

Find what shakes your spirit alive
Own it, because it makes you thrive
Leave inhibition in the past
Learn to work so you have a blast
Operate in your comfort zone
Widen it as your skills are honed.

You have the power, don't ever fret
Over results that you can't see yet.
Use your mind, fire your intuition
Rejoice when they yield solutions.

Don't compare your life with your friends'
Reap what you sow until the end.
Earn gratefully your daily bread
Aim high- don't you cower in dread.
Meet your goals, have faith and believe
'Success will come, you will achieve.'

Just keep swimming, Dory said to me
As I gasped for air under the sea
I'm now at the surface, looking around
Water everywhere, land's not to be found
I move, I cry, I surge back with a wave
When will this ocean finally behave?

Silence fills the room
So I am never alone
Even if it's quiet.

When I hold the knife that causes my pain
I don't think I have a right to complain
Struggling to get myself out of the bed
I sometimes wish it was a grave instead
What am I made of, if the simplest thing eludes me
I'm drowning, drowning, in my insecurity
If all I can do is write the hours away
What's the point, waiting to see the next day
If it's all going to be the same, again
Listless, choking numbness consuming my brain
It doesn't make sense, I try but end up here
Am I not destined to live away from fear?
This life, it hurts, I don't know what to do
'Get help', I'm told. How, I haven't a clue.

There are times
When one is forced to be
An open book.

With all the grimy pages revealed
The hidden truths seen
The lies discovered
That can even shock the owner.

Now how can I close this book
Without tearing out the leaves
Mending it in place
And attempt to rewrite it?

Or if I make a new one
With fresh paper sheets
Do I abandon my old novel
Discreetly for eternity?

If there's anything that serves as a guide
If there's an instruction manual out there
Titled "How to get through what you're feeling"
Or "For Dummies- Life's a *****, it's not fair"
I'd read it, I'd absorb every word, every phrase
I'd apply it to myself, I'd help others facing the same
I won't be frozen, I won't be struck speechless
I hope I'm not playing an impossible game
Tell me the lessons, I'll get through the tests
Lend me blueprints, cryptographs, codes, a sign
Don't leave me in the dust, paralyzed, numb
Don't make me pretend like everything's fine.

**** the glass ceiling
It's too high in the sky
I'm still at rock bottom
Only wanting to cry.

Let someone else break it
I'm too weak to move
Maybe this was a mistake
I have nothing to prove.

Every so often, there comes a day
When one's pain rises beyond words
When even tears refuse to fall
A broken heart screams, but remains unheard.

It's been years since I wrote like this about what I'm feeling but it's been a tough night so here goes-

It's the start of the semester and I can't help but have this feeling of impending doom, like all my fears might just come true..

That this addiction I've been battling with for years might just bring me down. That I'm alone in fearing it, because it's not what you'd expect, and it's utterly uncommon. That I might just succumb to not reaching out to people and just fail altogether. And so many more fears..

I just feel really scared, sad and hopeless right now. The person whom I've always confided in has become something unfamiliar, that I don't recognize, and I feel sort of.. misplaced. I don't want to ruin my life but I might just be in the way of doing that. And I suppose writing this was a way of just putting this miserable mess of feelings out there. Trying to make it leave my body for good.

I don't want my penchant for introversion, as a shy person, to become the loneliness that might just destroy me. I'm afraid it's halfway there.

I don't think I have the strength to do this... i don't know if I can. It *****, feeling this small, cowering under the weight of all the fears hitting your brain at once in the middle of the night.

Most of all, I'm afraid I won't ever get over the addiction, and live my whole life battling it, fail and just... wither away. I don't know if I can because it has influenced and defined so much of the girl I am today. Both good and bad things. That's why it's hard to give it up.

Thank you to whoever reads this, have a great day!