In the dingy depths of despair
When the world around is speechless
Through the quiet one can almost feel
The rumble of something, breathless
Like.. the Universe is laughing
As though... It can't help but do so
Ironic tune of tragedy
A mocking soundtrack to sorrow.
When one has lost the will to fight
It is heard then, glaringly clear
A sign, that one shall entertain
Evermore, being ruled by fear.

Patience is overrated.
They say, "Just wait, it shall get better soon"
So I wait, like an idiot
Staring listlessly at the standing moon.
What do I get in return?
Fall after fall, even in rock bottom
It gets deeper each long day
I've gotten somewhere I never fathomed.
God, I wished I could run
Far far away to some lost land unknown
The number of times I DID
Infinite- where are the seeds I have sown?
Is it fear, or wariness?
I honestly can find no good answer.
But soon, I do realise
As I learn to speak, stand a bit taller
I don't want to run anymore.
I detest that involuntary instinct.
Time is a friend- but it's me
Who just has to stay, as everything's linked
Everything's confusing now
I can't think of the future and what I'll spill
But I have no time to waste
I'll find the courage to work, not stand still.

I tried to walk along the sands of time
Wishing my footprints would one day be seen
But I got lost in the uphill climb
Consumed by a dream of what could have been
Struggling to breathe in the thin air of hope
I'm looking for a clear path ahead
There's no way back down this slippery *****
All that I see are illusions instead.
Are there signs that will tell me where to go?
I'm tired of waiting for them to arrive
If this is what it means to learn and grow
I'll make a move, aiming to stay alive.

Dear 2018,

I probably wrote this a year ago
To 2017, your predecessor
I write this to you again with the faith
That you would be kinder, wise and nicer
By sending me help when I need it most
By teaching me more than I never knew
As I learn and relearn by stumbling and falling-
When 2019 begins, I hope I'll be thanking you.

Yours hopefully,

Marya

Can you hear my thoughts across the earth?
You're the hero of their trivial play
Here, you'd always win, always succeed
You'd have all your fears kept at bay.

If only you would stop and listen
You'd know that I'd always keep you warm
We'd share our worlds in the best of ways
I'd be your umbrella in this storm.

There once was a poet who moved
With words as a crutch, through the days
He knew where to get a new one
To support him through life, always.

But the time came that he was lost
In a forest, hungry and tired
He couldn't find the way back home
His word of the day had expired.

And so he lay in wait till dawn
So he'd have a clearer mind
He resolved to visit the store
For an anchor that sounded kind.

Month after month, year after year
Passed slowly as he searched in vain
Until he couldn't walk a step
So then he crawled, wailing in pain.

He'd known this would happen to him
'Writer's block', a feared condition
That attacked those forged from language
There was no cure for this affliction.

And soon the town forgot their names
The woods became haunted in grief
Of poetic ghosts that long for words
In damnation without relief.

I was born to beautiful swans.
Yet I see no resemblance.
I remain an ugly duckling.

I have a new, gigantic dream
It's young, rosy and far away
I know what to do to reach it
But there's only 24 hours in a day.

I do the things that should be done
For my lamp to still burn bright
I tell my dream "Wait just a bit longer
I'll work towards you in the night."

Will I ever reach it finally?
I don't have a good guide
Working with instinct I can say
"At least I will have tried."

Not everything is a stone's throw away
Not everything will soon become okay.
We have some stones, and their destination
Though the path may seem paved with frustration
If odds seem insurmountable, ask "why"
Shed your tears, but don't hesitate to try
Fling your stones with care, as hard as you can
Wishing they'll all land according to plan
If they find their place, be glad and move on
Do not rest tonight- Await a new dawn.
If they land elsewhere, pick them up again
Then shoot wisely- no effort is in vain.
Every day's your day, should you choose to find
Freedom in the skies beyond tethering binds.

I am a crustacean
With a shell on my back
When things outside get rough
I stay in my safe sack.

But, when the weather's calm
I don't know what to do
It's so comfortable here
Must I really move?

My friends call out to me
They say 'Leave that behind!'
How can I? It's my home!
The anchor of my mind!

Silence is beautiful
Does no one understand?
While words are company,
The quiet's a helping hand.

But the tides are turning...
My shell will fade away..
But only if I leave..
I'll stay just one more day.

Yet I can't live here forever.
That, I'm certain, is true.
Get out of my comfort zone?
Some day, I hope, I do.

I didn't know that I forgot
To write for me, only me
The world can go **** itself
As I live in poetry.
Maybe these words aren't the best
Maybe they won't heal a heart
But they're mine, as they shall be
That makes them true works of art.
I know they won't go places
I find I like that they're free
As long as they're from my soul-
They're my small mark on history.

I found something in a quiet beach
A new life I could take with me
With no owner, with no known name
It was mine, and it was to be.

I discarded the one I wore
I inhabited the new shell
With no memories of my old dress
It was peaceful, and all was well.

The sky was blue, with twinkling stars
The ground felt wonderful again
I took all my dreams and made them true
I sang my songs without much pain.

I met more people than before
I discovered things I never knew
I started again, I then soared
In a dreamland without a clue.

Then I stalled and crashed to the cold dead earth
With tattered remains of torn cloth
A reminder, that it was all unreal
That no one here gets another shot.

I sewed it together, what I could
And roamed around, a vagabond
Treading lines between 'want' and 'should'
With sore scars of a lass well conned.

I have a cocoon
I hide inside it
My shell stands tall and proud
The soft parts unlit.

Day by day I rebuild my home
Each night I repeat
'One day, it'll be done
One day, it'll be complete'.

Something goes wrong every hour
And I fix it every time
Trying to hide the crap within
Making sure I appear sublime.

Yet some person always sees
The escaping crying soul
They eye me curiously, and say
'When'll you be done? Your home has a hole!'

'Who's the girl who runs there?
Bring her home, we must find out!'
I stand powerless without a word
Stunned still when I want to shout.

'How do they notice the leaks
The cracks in my facade?
Have I not perfected the art?
Do they only know that I'm scarred?'

I cannot run away
The ghosts of the past lurk
A place I cannot exorcise
One of these days, will I go berserk?

I have no more words left in me
I can't find any new story
Where did they go? Are they all used?
I can't help but feel confused.

When did they fly so far away?
I can't quite remember the day.
All I know is that I can't write
Like before- when it felt so right.

Now it feels weird to attempt it
I'm searching for words that don't fit
I'm looking for poems that I can't find
In my lost, perplexed maze of a mind.

I'm sure there are many poems on this
Echoing a plea or desperate wish
That the world was different, just not this way
That one could be certain of life the next day
Free in the streets, to walk without fear
Not wondering if the police is near
Who can only sight the shade of one's skin
By which they'd know if one committed sins
Pardoning those of a fair demeanour
Believing the white means their souls are cleaner.
Finding a reason to redden one's hands
They'd paint it if they could, concocting plans.
Perhaps some minds cannot think beyond
The hat of privilege their clan has donned.
Perhaps some ears cannot listen to more
To voices screaming amidst death and gore.
Perhaps some eyes cannot pretend to see
Around the firm blocks of a bleak history.

Don't ask me if I'm okay
Because I am not
I'm lucky enough to breathe,
While so many cannot.

I find an entirely different person
When I meet you again after ages
You were a book I'd seen, I used to know
But somewhere you acquired new pages
With information I don't understand
I'm confused- I didn't think you'd ever change
So I'll take the time, to read you again
Perhaps then, I won't think of you as strange.

What if the clouds are weeping with glee
As they gently let their burdens go
Cherishing what it means to be free
Dancing in the wind, with ebb and flow?

Is there a life beyond these fears
That bear the root of all the tears?
Can one learn to be wilfully blind
To tell the difference between cruel and kind?
Is it possible to try and wait
To better accept an impending fate?
Can one refrain from asking why,
To live now, bidding the past goodbye?

I wish you could hear the voice in my head
That remembers all the sweet things you said.
I wish you would just call me one more time
I know it's wrong-but it could be sublime
I hope i don't forget the way you sound
I miss the days when you were still around
But I believe this distance fares me well
With you, my life is a personal hell.

I have lost all my words
If I don't have those,
What even am I?

If there were a fairy land
To which I could run
With nothing to see or do
I'd bask under the sun.

Why does this monster named Life
Push us to hate it so?
I'd rather leave and walk away
Than pretend it makes me grow.

Why do words look better on a sheet,
When, from my mouth, they seem incomplete?
How is it they flow so well with ink?
If I try to speak them, I cannot think.
Will they transform, someday? From noise to sound?
If I voice words out there, will they be found?

Maybe we're all beggars in ways we don't understand
Unconscious, asking, trying not to demand
Believing we've been dealt an unlucky hand
Playing in ways that go wrong, the moves unplanned
Maybe we'll make it right, with luck on our side
Trying not to break, at least we'll have tried
If it has to end someday, let's enjoy the ride
If life is pain, at least death can be dignified.

Someday no one will ask me "How'd YOU get here?"
"Who helped you? Whose reference did you find?"
Someday no one will ask me "Are you sure?"
"Are you sure you can get out of this grind?"
Someday no one will tell me "No, you can't"
"You're not made for this, you're too **** stupid."
Someday no one can tell me "You're too scared"
"You won't ever find love, cursed by Cupid."

One day they'll look above and be blinded
Deafened, tongues struck dumb, speechless to their core
I'll have forged my way with grit and power
They'll reel with swallowed words bruising them sore
I'll have won my battles, winning the war
No longer can filthy gossip be spoken
Quietened for eternity, their silent breaths
Healing the hearts of the people they'd broken.

When my birth-cloud let me go, she said 'Be well'
I didn't understand what she meant till I fell
I'm hurtling aimlessly toward an unknown ground
I tried to climb back, but there's no help around
I forget I'm unique, I'm carried by air
To where I'd disappear...and no one would care.

"Starry-eyed souls, staring at the sky
I see a burning hope in your eye
For something beyond the dreams and pain
That all the hurt isn't felt in vain.

Destiny remains a friend of mine
She tells me when all your stars align
We work together in your best hour
So you shall win, through sheer grit and power.

The road will be rough in your voyage
Consider it.... a rite of passage
But I'll be by your side through it all
I'll send a saving grace when you fall.

After each hell that you find in life
You'll receive heavens worth all the strife.
I won't say more, I have things to do
Don't forget- I'll always be with you."

i wish i understood the songs of requited love
more frequently
than i wept to the songs of heartbreak

If I must lose sleep
To dreams of you
I'll stay awake
Wishing we were true.

'Fake it till you make it', I'm told
As I tremble under the weight of fear
It's a warm statement, yet one so cold
What do I fake if nothing's clear?

If nothing really matters, I understand
My efforts go wrong in ways I hadn't planned
Maybe it isn't worth trying to swim higher
If I'm a loaded gun made to misfire
So I may as well learn to be content,
I'll make my home here, at rock bottom
I'll find a way to accept my descent,
To live with this wreck of what I've become.

When the world is moving on
And you're stuck in one place
Seeing your friends race ahead
While you struggle to keep pace
Close your eyes, shut off your ears,
Breathe- learn to ignore them all
Feel the ground beneath your feet
Walk, as though you'll never fall.
Keep in mind the directions-
Only you know what they are
Have faith that your time will come
And soon, you'll have travelled far.
You will stumble, once or twice
There'll always be miles to go
Get up once more, try again
Keep marching on, as you grow.
If one day you reach your goal
Dream bigger, find a new aim
Help those climbing behind you
Don't forget from whence you came.

In the beginning, they say there was light
That changed through the days to become the night
Blessing the world with what it means to see
To know miracles, wonder and ecstasy.
No one knows if the darkness fled to hide
Ashamed of everything it held inside
Cowering in an unearthly prison
A lifelong sentence as light had risen
Convinced that this is safe, that this is fine
Convinced that dark never had the right to shine.
They say it quietly withered into dust
Following instructions, trying to adjust,
Discovering freedom like never before,
To know what it is to be alive, to explore
Finding expression in pain through art
Finding reflection in matters of the heart.
Learning to survive, running from the light
Claiming the throne as ruler of the night.

Maybe one day I'll be free of this stress
Perhaps, one day I can finally live
Maybe one day I'll have a clear head
Perhaps one day I'll have strength to forgive.

Don't tell me it's dangerous to hope
It keeps me alit, it makes me burn
Towards the dream of a better future
One that I can honestly say I earned.

I'll push my boundaries, however far
I'll keep the promises I once made
I'll fail, I'll fall, hopefully I stand
I'll clear the rain on my parade.

It's easier to be afraid
To hide with your head in the sand,
It's easier to walk away,
Than to stay when things are unplanned
It's easier to be alone,
Than to put yourself out there,
It's easier to be angry,
Than to accept that life's unfair.
It's easier to sit in sadness,
Than to give happiness a chance,
It's easier to make judgements,
Than to look beyond a first glance.
I know all of this in my head
I wish I could apply them well,
I'll fail, I'll try and try again
Until the day I excel.
What is living but good practice,
To learn to get up when you're down,
Believe that this won't last forever,
That good will always come around.

High along the winds of change I fly
Writing more words I'd love to live by
Running away from a looming past
Wondering if any peace will last.
Turbulence hits, and I'm taken aback,
Again and again I'm thrown off track.
The engines fail, but this plane is tough,
Yet, the controls say I'm not fast enough.
Maybe....this dream was never meant to be
Maybe I'd be safer atop a tree.
Much as I long to drown in the pain
Worries are useless, they cause fuel drain.
I've many miles to go before I sleep
Deadlines to meet, promises to keep.
This uncertain flight will still go on
Through sleepless nights, to an unknown dawn.

I'm done waiting for you too much
Longing for you, your voice, your touch.
You seem to be tattooed on my soul
Whenever I hear you, I feel whole
I wish you could exit my heart
But I wish we would never part
Alas! I can't confess to you
It would become too real, too true...
So I'll hide these feelings in me
Hoping that one day, I'll be free.

Good habits, they say, helps one through the day
They make us rear but keep boredom at bay.
Tiring as they are to grow and maintain
They keep us grounded, once deeply ingrained.
Resigned as I am to the daily grind
There's so much to explore, discover, find
Tell me to try, try, try again, I will
Thus I'll fail, fail, fail, living on life's thrill.

Through life's every dark, dreary winter day
When time goes by, morning to night
When the mind wants to run, the heart to stay
All I can do to breathe is write.

Keep it together.
Don't lose control.
Don't let go.
Calm down!
Don't lose it.
Hold. It. In.
Don't worry!
You're so blessed!
How can you worry?
What's there to worry about?
Breathe.
Deep breaths.
It's not working!
Is it working?
Don't panic!
It's just anxiety.
It's just stress.
It'll go away.
I can't do this anymore
Don't lose steam.
Relax.
What do you mean, "you can't relax"?
It's all in your head.
It's just self-pity.
It could be worse!
You're so entitled.
Don't let anyone know about this!
Don't make a sound.
I think I'm going crazy.
Just act normal.
Just act normal.
Just act normal.
If you act normal,
Maybe you'll start to feel normal?

I know what it's like to have a monster in my head
That wants to be productive, but can't get out of bed.
I know what it's like to suffocate without masks
To be paralysed with panic over simple tasks.
I know what it's like to have doubt buried deep inside,
That questions each tear that falls before it has dried
I know what it's like to wish to silence my brain
To wonder if overthinking would make me insane
I know what it's like to detest every part of me,
To hide it from people so they don't think I'm crazy.
I know what it's like to scream with pain, aching to die
With a heart that lives on, whispering, "One more try".

Long it has been since I felt small
Within my tower that stands tall.
You'll arrive soon to break my steel
I don't know if I'll ever heal
Hurt me, **** me, cleave me in two
Cover me with lies, mask what's true
But- leave some of the crystal behind
So I can rebuild my state of mind.

My life's made of glass: particles of sand
That can't be sorted by my clumsy hands
So I sit and watch it shatter
In the end, it just doesn't matter.

I stay hidden beneath billows of dust
It's been ages since I was read, with trust.
How wonderful the days I was found,
Perused in the quiet, without a sound
I looked for the change in my readers' eyes
(I cannot see, but I sensed, in disguise)
As my maker's words prompt a memory,
A trapped emotion, now finally free,
When they recall, when they feel, in their core
They relate; They aren't alone anymore.
It's nice to be understood, to be heard,
To be visible without saying a word.
So I shall lie, waiting, for the next time
The soot is cleared, and someone reads my rhyme.

Questions-

What is the point of fighting to live
To sacrifice, with nothing to give?
Why does one pretend that life goes on
When the courage to proceed is gone?
Does it make sense to hold onto hope
While falling down a slippery *****?
Will optimism stop feeling fake?
How much can one bear till they break?
With everything in this world going wrong
Is there any reason to be strong?

Answers-

Justice delayed isn't justice denied
But it will be an eventful ride.
Live, to prove that you will always shine
Don't wait- the world won't ever be fine.
Don't give up hope, as long you're alive
You can do much more than just survive.
Be positive to drive away fear
Someday, all of this will become clear.
Patience and good faith will see you through,
You're never alone, I'm here for you.

There are so many times I want to be brave
When I know my life is my own to save,
Yet my courage fails me again and again
I can't quite seem to deal with my pain
I wonder if it's because I was made wrong,
That I have to be weak, while others are strong,
Maybe I've been given worth that I don't deserve
It's why it's so easy to lose my nerve
Is there a way I could just believe
That it'll be okay, that I won't be deceived,
That my actions will determine my future,
That I can go against my brittle nature,
That there'll be strength in myself I can find,
To move ahead, to leave the past behind?

And the world tells me to swim
Swim till my heart gives out
All I can do is drown in pain
I'm underwater, awash in doubt.
"Help me", I long to say
"I cannot breathe, I want to live"
No one hears these unspoken words
I'm dead, dying, with nothing to give.

Love me at my darkest
Love me in my sorrow
Love me at my weakest,
When it is your strength I borrow.

Love me when I don't want you,
Love me when I feel hollow
Love me at the end of all hope
When in your grace, I'll follow.

It's scary to think that it might be true
That fortune favours only some, a few.
The rest it leaves up to the wraiths of time
Making any success an uphill climb
I wish I could do better than the now
I try so hard, but I ***** up somehow.
I wish to be the best version of me
I wish to understand how to break free
To leave these chains of history behind
To face all my fears, to speak my own mind
To be heard where my voice can be drowned
To know what it's like to be seen, or found.
I don't realize until I feel the pain-
That I make mistakes again and again
I wonder if I'll ever be good enough
If these slopes I ascend would stop feeling rough
Is it the wrong mountain? I'll never know
Until then, I'll just go with the flow.

I'm an unknown book on a shelf
That one forgets to treat with care
Passed around among many people,
Alas! I've aged with wear and tear.

I don't recall to whom I belonged
Who once penned my words in fading ink
I'm not as strong as I used to be
I'm only a novel- I can't think.

I'm looking for a gentle owner
Who enjoys reading without pretense,
Keeping me safe, worn pages intact,
The one who'll cherish my existence.