Snap
I can feel my branches trembling
Snap
I can feel my roots quiver
Snap
I can feel my body shake
Snap
I can hear a faint whisper
Snap
I try my best to still my movements
Snap
So that the voice becomes clear
Snap
I hold it all inside
Snap
Until I hear all of the lies
Snap
I tell myself I’m stable
Snap
But I know it isn’t real
Snap
I breathe through the chaos
Snap
Until the chaos breaks through
Snap
I am not thriving
Snap
I am barely surviving
Snap
I hold myself back
Snap
Until one day I finally
Snap
And see the mess I’ve made
Snap
I am running out of branches
Snap
But all I need is one
Snap
To remind me who I am
Snap
I am stronger than I speak
Snap
I am kinder than I act
Snap
I embrace the anger
Snap
I embrace the sadness
Snap
I embrace what made me
Snap
And I choose to
Stop
I choose to
Grow

I feel like a remote.
A tiny remote in the hands of a giant
Toggling through channels
Accidentally pressing every other button than the intended
I have no control
I have lost sense of where I am in space
I am helpless
Vulnerable to the choices of the giant
Constantly fluctuating between states of fear
And peace
Never knowing when each state will change
Never knowing how long I will have peace
Before the fear arises
I am just a tiny remote
In the hands of a giant.

Oh, hello heart.
Haven’t felt you in a while.
How are you?
Ouch.
What the **** heart?
Stop!
****.
There’s that feeling.
Wanting what I don’t have.
Pushing away love.
But wanting it so badly.
Why?
It could be so easy.
Yet you resist.
But maybe this will be different.
Are you ready?
Do you know what you truly want?
Yeah... me neither.
****.
Well, I love you.
We’re in this together.

Something has changed in me this week
Small and cynical but not so meek
A voice I once knew and thought was engrained
Turned out was a student that’s now fully trained
She no longer whispers her judgments and lies
While she sits at her desk now she actually tries
To get to know who I am instead of rejecting
And brushing me off with her constant correcting
Now I get to embrace the feeling of free
From hearing a voice that is finally me

I am here
But I am not
My limbs are
My heart beats
But where am I?
I want peace,
Until then I hide.
Waiting for silence
Waiting to thrive.
Glimmers of light shine
And remind me to be patient
But I hear the clock ticking
Telling me not to waste it
Telling me this is not where I
Am meant to be.
My heart skips beats
As I anticipate my next demand,
Pulling me apart as I say yes
To everyone
Everything,
But myself.
I want peace.
I want silence.
I want time
For me
To thrive.
Until then,
I hide.

I’m holding a shovel
But it’s not me, I yell
It’s the cloud above me
Filled with anger
Sadness
Regret
Fear
And insecurity.
The cloud is growing
Consuming my light
Digging me deeper
Into a hole of darkness I must fight
I thought I was through this
I thought I was clear
But it’s back
Looming above, right here
Stealing my energy
Filling me with doom
I can feel the tension
When I walk in a room
Others can feel this
Heavy load of gloom
I want to be free
I want to feel love
But how do I break through
This dark cloud above.

I feel that my soul has left my body.
I am empty.
Lost.
Unaware.
Aloof.
I feel a soft ache where my heart once beat.
A pressure where my brain used to sit.
I am empty.
A shell without a body.
Without a soul.
Now I wait,
For my body to find its way back.
Hopefully bringing my rejuvenated soul back too.
For now I wait,
Vulnerable,
Empty,
Lost.

Sometimes Darkness whispers to me.
It tells me it is a place of comfort,
A place of escape.
No one can find you here, it insists,
You are alone, finally,
Just what you wanted,
Screamed for,
Cried for,
Alone, with me, it looks up
With a smirk
Don’t be scared,
I don’t judge,
Stay for as long as you wish.
When I leave, it whispers to me,
Come back, I miss you,
Escape the chaos,
Be with us...

Sometimes Darkness yells at me.
It questions who I am,
Why I am here,
I don’t belong...
I’m too intense...
I’m not good enough...
What I want is impossible...
It yells at me, until I yell back.

Sometimes Darkness stares at me,
When my eyes are shut,
I see it’s gaze,
It’s lure,
It’s disapproval and longing for my return.
It stares... and glares... until I open my eyes,
And find the light again.

The panic is building inside,
Making it feel like a rollercoaster ride.
I thought that I was happy,
But now unlocked feelings have set free,
Leaving me with inner conflict,
Unsure which direction to pick.
My stomach tightens at thought of action,
While my former strength loses traction,
One moment I want to flee,
The next moment I am proud to be.
What am I running from this time?
Would playing hookie be such a crime?
If it meant discovering this truth,
And abandoning this depressing sleuth.
I want to shake off this darkness,
Before I am left feeling sparkless.
I want to break down these walls,
Before another part of me falls,
Leaving me a shell of myself,
Hungry for knowledge and lacking wealth.
I must invite the light in,
So that this darkness will spin.
I still feel the rumble of panic,
Leaving my thoughts helpless and frantic,
Encouraging motivation to flee,
So I can be alone, and free.

Don’t tell me to smile.
Don’t tell me it will be alright.
Don’t tell me to move on.
Don’t tell me to cheer up.

I am hurting, and I am allowed to.

That is how I ‘move on’.

By feeling,
By being,
By accepting the pain as my own.

This is how I grow.
This is how I grieve.
Let me be.
And don’t tell me to smile.

This word of wander,
Not as easy to do
As it may be to ponder

One life full of dreams
Another filled with distraction,
Makes it hard to choose teams,
Without choosing destruction

Go where the money is?
And risk losing myself?
Or go with my heart,
My passion,
My desire,
And ask, ‘What if?’

But ‘What if?’ I will ask regardless...

Either path will leave me with wonders-
But which to follow?
If I go with one,
I may become hollow...
If I go with the other,
My bank account may be swallowed...

Can one do both?
Or does authenticity risk fading?

Distraction... Destruction...

Focus. Decide.

To try is to decide.
To know is to have done.
To love is to know.

Do I know what I love?
Do I know what I want?

Try. Decide. Focus.

It hurts to know that what once was, will never be again.
It hurts to think of how it could still be.
But what was said was said, and cannot be undone.
We said always and forever, but now it is not.
We said nothing could stand between us, and now look at the wall we’ve built.
Too stubborn to admit either was wrong, too proud to accept responsibility of the destruction.
Too painful to think about, too painful to let go.
Now we live on, without each other, always wondering what could have been...

The mind is a confusing maze
While I’m in it I’m in despair
But without it I’m left in a daze
I miss him
But why?
But how?
I felt trapped
Like a bird
In a cage
And now I want him
But do I?
This confusion is sparking a rage.
I am happy
I am balanced
And yet my brain cannot release him
He has my heart gripped with his tallons.
I cry while my brows furrow
I want to curl up in darkness and burrow
To hide from the conflict of my mind
And somehow come to find
The answer I know is true
And yet the lies of my pain renew
Leaving me senseless and still, confused.

I have found someone new
Who fills my heart with joy and woo.
If only it was enough to block out the past
Yet somehow I am weak to the thought of my last.
I know that door should remain closed
For I was not free and this is the path that I chose;
It is one that will lead to more happiness
And release me from a possessive crapiness.
That was my life with him
I now have everything I want and more
And yet somehow I am longing for
What once was and what should not be
For I am who I am, and I need to be strong to stay free.