I like being teased
I like being poked
I like the little nicknames

It's cute when you steal my hat
It's cute when you runaway with it
It's adorable making me chase you

You pushed me out of my chair
They asked if I was mad
Nah it was funny
Now I'll kick you back

I got sad and fell to the floor
You pushed me over even more
Til I rolled around
I started to laugh
Trying to fight you back

Sadness gone
Giggling strong
Now your  hiding my things from me
Making me blush nervously
Did you take it?
You big *** faker

I'm drunk as hell
Everyone else left me
You were trying to sleep
But stayed up with me
As I called you all sorts of silly names
And started tons of childish games

6am you had to be up soon
Who needs sleep
When we're laughing
Feeling High as a balloon

I wanted to *******
But I was so lost
Felt so insecure
Yet you kept with me
When I thought you'd leave
Hey at least grab my *****
I'm leaving at noon
I'd like to leave an impression on you
You silly goof

When you called me kitten
I felt overly smitten
It rang in my head
Even after I left
I wish I let you
Touch me deeper
Deeper inside me
Then just a silly tease
My head said please

Yet I still felt better
Knowing we both wanted to

I've been numb
I couldn't feel myself
Love was gone
*** was wrong
Where am I?

I saw you
I'm supposed to hate you
Yet you were there
When I was alone and scared
Everyone left
We had secret talks
Dizzy and silly

My heart raced
I was deeply insecure
Not worth a dime
You made me feel fine
Like a sweet red wine
I laughed with you all night

I didn't give you anything
I expected you to leave me behind
As I start to unwind
You still stayed and kept me
Smiling and dancing
Goofing and giggling

I wish I was sober
And not so somber
I would have given you myself
All that I had
But I'm still glad
You chose me to be around
And didn't ask for a **** thing
Besides my company

It's wrong
Let him go
They all scream at me
But you made me feel
For the first time in so long
Something very real
You made me warm inside
And I didn't have to hide

Thank you

I could feel you
In my heart
For tbe first time in years
You came to me
Awoken my eyes

Broke all the lies
Running in my mind
I felt your wind
Blow through me
You calmed me

My heart sped up
But my tears began to stop
I felt you there
You answered my prayer
Maybe not
But
I'll beleive it

For one night I wasn't alone
As I've been shown
Maybe there's always someone
Watching over me
Keeping me safe
So I'll fight
Fight til I die

I pray you're always by my side

I'm wrestling with myself
I want to do things
Fun, wild, new things
But no
No no no
That's too crazy

Stay in bed
Sleep yourself away
Remember the consequences
In your head

I want to let it go
Live the life I missed
Loosen up
Go with the flow

I get so close
I feel it in my bones
Tattoos, ***, parties
Being a little naughty
But I leave it at almost

I'll almost do it Everytime
Then I say it's not right
Then I feel sick and cry
It's a hard learned chime

It rings and I quit
I must not sin
I must not live
I'm too afraid
All I feel is a pit

I'm so confused
What do I want to do
There's fighting in my bones
It's leaving me broken and bruised

I just don't know
So asleep I'll go
It hides all my woes
In my dreams maybe I'll go
For peace and snow
In here the real me can show
With no regrets or fears below

Who am I
Where am I
Why am I screaming
Why am I doing this

This isn't me
But I don't know me
But I'm panicking

Why did I do that
How could I
Be such a little ****

Is it wrong
Is it me
What happened to my sanity

My head's twisted
Swirling and curling
I'm afraid of everything

I feel guilty
I need my humility
I've gone too far

If I keep being reckless
I'll end up ***** and bruised
I don't wanna be used

Not again
I must be good
I can not sin

I don't want punishment
Please forgive me
For I've lost all my sanity

You're a ***** ***** ****
I feel it in my gut
The desire
Bring me higher

Come inside me
Baby find me
Expand my horizons
Yell at me more it's fun

I probably shouldn't
Younger me wouldn't
But I'm so curious
**** me til I'm delirious

Take me out back
My mind's out of whack
My dreams are wet
Touch me without fret

I need to let loose
On you

I was so shy when I met you
I think you were shy too
The awkward silence
One day made a break through

Talks in karate
Talks in the swings
Laughing at others
About the stupidest things

We thought we were so cool
Like two kids skipping school
But grown *** women
Walking down the highway

We bonded
We cried
We saw some dark sides
We never stopped
We drove and felt alive

I'm happy I met you
Thank you for being you
You brought me to life for a bit
And I treasure every moment of it

You're a beautiful friend
Stay strong til the very end

❤️

Hey darling,
Not sure if I ever told you
You know I'm afriad of being bold
But you should definitely know

I've never trusted anyone fully
Never let myself go completely
I don't beleive in any of the mushy gooey

But you, I guess you got me
I'm afraid to let it take control
When I do it's never wrong
You're where I belong

From swinging at night
To playing tic tac toe
Dressing you in clothes
Telling secrets no one else knows

You're my best friend
Always have been from the beginning
It's not that I don't love others
You're just so special to me
Closer then my sister and brothers

❤️

Another poem noone asked for
Then again I live a life
I never asked for
So I'll jot another one down
Until im in my casket
Wearing my black gown

I thought I'd get better
You know, once I decided to leave
I left my abusers and isolation
But I guess I was lost without it
So I made my own abusive creation

They all won't stop haunting me
I kept thinking I was alone
But that's not the real problem
I'm stuck with the skeletons in my closet
I guess my misery seems to adore them

I want you all to know
I've tried so very hard everyday
To make the deep dread go away
I tried to be so optimistic
But the misery is here to stay

I ask God every night
Why it's so dark through my eyes
Surely this isn't how everyone sees?
There's a monotone to this world
I feel so melancholy as I flow with the trees

That sun may shine bright
But I only see gloom roll over my sight
Maybe if I was a different child
I'd be able to see hope and faith
And not have my trauma in another pile

I have never really been ok
All I remember is fooling myself
Pretending that I was kinda real
I think I almost felt alive once
I really let down my shields

I got bitten and torn apart
I became blood guts and strewn about
I was supposed to heal and get better
After I left I only became entirely hopeless
The best is over the worst came together

They sent me a love letter
Informing me
I'll never be alone
Because they are always with me
My skeletons have found their forever home

And they're never gonna go
....
    But maybe I should?

I wish I was normal
I wish I was in your world
Happy and hopeful
Free and beautiful

I'm such a freak
I wish I could change
It's not fun in anyway
I wish the kids asked me to play

Here I stay
Lost and astray
Afraid to misbehave
I'm just a nobody slave

I wish I was normal
I wish I was in your world
Happy and hopeful
Free and beautiful

God I'm such a loser
I cry every night
Look at me Ima fright
I got demons I can't fight

The sun doesn't give me light
I must run and hide
The kids all like to laugh
As I fall and hit the grass

I wasn't chosen last
I was never chosen at all
I wish I was ten feet tall
But I'm not interesting at all

I'm such a freak
Freak
  Freak
      F r e a k

All I ever wish
Put it on Santa's list
I'm completely helpless
I can only reminisce
Other's lives

still  I wish I was normal
I wish I was in your world
Happy and hopeful
Free and beautiful

Maybe I'd be better
Maybe I'd be clever
Maybe I'd be at peace
And not such a freak

I'll clean it later
I say everyday
As months pass

I'll watch it later
I say every night
As years go by

I'll come out next time
I say to people
As I avoid them

I'll get it together soon
I cry at 3am
As I fall asleep

I'll be happy again
I lie to myself
As I long for death

I lose my sanity
I seek only vanity
Monsters and demons
Fighting and dying
Screaming and crying

I start to unwind
Nothing eases my mind
I lay down to die
Drinking the poison
It quiets the noises

Then I hear from you
I decided to write out of the blue
Your response brings me out
The spinning clears away
I love the things you say

You remind me
That I'm real
You remind me
That I can heal
You remind me
Of how to feel

I start to laugh
I stop my reckless crash
You have no idea
The gift you give me
All you did was befriend me

I'm not sure how to put it
How could I ever word it?
You bring me my sanity
When I've lost all my hope
It's like you give me one last rope

Not for death
But to climb

  Thank you

I thought I was finding myself
Only to lose it all over again
Or is it working ?
Is this all part of the process?

The pain, tears and stress
The candle light I held
Burning til I fell
Now the flames gone

But if I can hold on
Hold on to any match in sight
There's always a chance
For the flame to start again

Maybe I must pretend
Maybe I must befriend
Myself and noone else
Until I can find my light
And finally let it burn so bright

I'm C
          R
       U
         M
      B
           L
     I
       N
   G G G G
   O O O O
   N N N N
   E  E E E
     E
        E
      E m p t y

Curled up as a fetus
Tears fall and fall
My skin continues to crawl

I cry until I'm ready to puke
My gums I chew until I bleed
I'm in so much need

I'm crying for help
Except there's no one
I'm crying to die
I don't want this life

My lips are dry
My eyes burn
My body slugs
Hide me under a rug

I'm cold
I'm sick
I'm screaming
I'm a *****

I'm so tired
I cannot sleep
My body falls into the floor
I hide away from the door

Waking up is a chore
I'm deeply dead inside
I'm burning burning in flames
Every **** thing is to blame

My body is ceased of life
The flowers died before they bloomed
My existence was always doomed
Someone take a ******* gun and shoot me

My Brain is blood guts and gore
My feet are anchors tied to the floor
My tongue is ***** stealing the air
I please to God why is life so unfair

Demons demons attacking me
I'm pleading pleading endlessly
Please please help me
I'm so far at a loss you see

After all the trauma
After all the hurt
After all the stabbings and wounds
Please tell me it gets better soon?

My body is empty
Is shivers and shakes
It needs some emotions
Or I'll keep drinking the evil potion

It's all that keeps me warm
It stops the twisting in my skin
I'm tired of the knives sinking in
Please stop letting them win

I've gone on far enough
I think this is my ending
I'm done blabbering on
I wish I could permanently end this
Diseased  song

Dear abuser,

Because of you I shake at night
I see so many deadly frights
My arms quiver with needles bleeding
I can't beleive I didn't think you affected me

Every night I come home
I shower and cry about my life
Every person I talk to I distrust
I know suffering is a must

There is no silence
I only hear my weeping
And your yelling echoing through
I have new triggers I don't understand
Was this always your plan?

I yell and scream at things I love
I can't beleive in any God above
My heart panics if anyone's upset
My breath is stolen like I'm in a corset

I can't stand to be alone
But I can't stand to be too close
I'm afraid of anyone's touch
Every problem is just too much

I can't have a good day
Anything good  changes and rots
Into the memory and fear
I hate myself if that wasn't clear

No matter how much I build myself up
How strong I may become
I feel so weak and alone
I feel like I'll never find my home

I stay up and ponder if I ever could
Tell everyone about the hell you gave me
Maybe that would help me
Or maybe they'd just laugh at me

I rip my flesh open
I bruise and hurt my own heart
I give so much of myself to everyone else
Because of the guilt I feel
Cause it was all my fault

I black out and forget things
My stomach twist and turns and stings
I have no energy to enjoy anything
Nothing in life is a blessing

I've emptied my body of any emotion
Because whenever I have any
It's endless crying and falling apart
Noone can break this ******* shattered heart

I'm afriad someone's behind my back
I'm afriad they're ready to attack
I'm afraid all I ever do is lack
I'm afraid of every ******* thing even a tack

I can feel you
I can hear you
Needling through my skin
Piercing my head with sin
Burning my body
Every night I relive it

All the pain I'm feeling I can't quite explain
Because at this point I consider it normal
Everything is quite plain
I'm tired of the pain I sustain

I'll never have kids because of you
I don't deserve love becuase of you
I can't see anything but pain
I can't enjoy anyone's touch
I know it'll never be love
Just let them all **** me
And I'll call it enough

Except I'm not enough
I'm disgusting and damaged
My skin is peeled and broken
Scarred and red
Too many tears I've shed

I'm labeled a freak and crazy
Life is kinda hazy
Am I real?
Can I ever heal?
I don't think so

I just want you to please go
All three of you
I see all of you In everyone I meet
The yeller the ******* and the molester
You're in the eyes of every person
I can't find comfort
Because you'll always find me first

I miss you
I miss the heart aches
I miss the stomach aches
I miss your absence
I miss the way you'd dance

Surely I miss you
I miss the sickening dew
I miss the crying on the bathroom floor
I miss me hiding behind the doors
I miss the anxiety
I miss my text left unread

I miss the "love" in my head
The  pain in your bed
The empty throbbing afterwards
The touched but not too far
The left unsatisfied and scarred

I loved the smiles you brought me
I loved the child you saw me as
I loved the women you'd rather pass
I loved the tears that made you laugh
I loved ever single unspoken desire
Never brought me higher

I deserved every manipulation
I deserved every tear
I deserved every touch
I deserved you so much
I deserved the confusion
I deserved your advantages
I deserved every bandage

I apologize for my obsession
I apologize for my opression
I apologize for my misbehavior
Obviously I knew better

It's my fault it went too far
It's my fault I'm forever scarred
It's my fault I wanted you so bad
It's my fault I ever made you sad
It's my fault I told my dad
It's my fault I got mad
It's my fault
It's my fault
It's always my fault

Thank you for using me
Thank you for abusing me
Thank you for accusing me
Thank you so much
for not leaving me untouched

You gave me what I wanted
You gave me everything I needed
You gave me attention
You gave me suppression
You gave me pain
You gave me deep stains
I can never ******* clean

I'm so sorry I spoke up
I'm so sorry I woke up
I'm so sorry I broke it up
I'm so sorry I exist
I'm so sorry I can't reminisce
About anytime before today
I'm sorry I'm this way
I'm sorry I misbehave
I'm sorry I tried to be brave
I'm sorry I got in everyone way

I miss before you
I miss before I knew
I miss my life
Before you stabbed me
And I apologized to you
I miss you
When I was close enough
To be able to ****** you
The way you murdered me

I missed you.

I want to dance
Dance with wolves
Under the stars
Swirling around
Brim stones burning

I hear the howling
I fear the growling
The Sparks around
Crumble beneath the ground

Up here I dissapear
There's too many
I'm a lone wolf
Always dancing alone
I've emptied my own pond

It was never deep enough
Too shallow to share
Everyone became bare
Found an ocean
Swam into it
Paddled away happily

I want to dance with wolves
Around the warmth of the moon
Warming trust
Becoming stronger
My pain lingers
Only gaps in my fingers

This heart inside me
It's cold and empty
It's so common to say
Be that it may
But..
Doesn't mean it hurts any less
Who must I impress
How much can I press
That I'm scared
I'm so alone
I just want to know
I want to be shown
Love and comfort
But I've lost

So much of me
It's too late
I lost any chance
Of dancing
With others
Happily

Help me
Please God
Someone save me
It hurts so much
I can not hide it with silly metaphors
Break the code
Break the show
I'm broken
I'm hurting
I'm unable to love
Unable to believe in up above

Please God let my soul rest
I cannot stress
How much
Everything ******* hurts

   My dreams are dark
I'm tired of "wolves"
Of pretending
I just want
The final ending

Please

Fa la la la
Fa la la la
Fala la la
Falala
Falling
Fall
Fell

I'm breathing in hell
Just make it through
This last week
It'll stop being bleak
Just.make.it.through.one.more.day

Fa la la la
Fa la la la
Falala la
Fallala
Falling
Fall
Fell

I can not tell
Where I am anymore
Everyday blends through the door
I'm afraid to open it
I'm too tired to explore it
Lay me to rest
I'm done with my best

Fa la la la la la
Fa la la
La
La
Fallalala
Fa la la ling
Fa
La
La
La
Li
N
G

    Help me
     I'm buried in someone's destiny
       Is it mine?
        I lost track of time
         Who am I?
        Why am I?
              Is this me?
            Or somebody playing hide and seek?


            I'm still falling
Not sure if by choice
      Or
by
some greater
force
    Tying me
down
  Until im nothing but a
mere
f
r
o
  w
    n

Reality breaks
Reality is fake
My heart is a pancake
Thick and crumbling
C
R
U
m
b
l
e

Afraid to feel
I can not heal
Life around me
Starts to peal
Leaving nothing but
Exposed flesh
OooozING

Lay me on the floor
It's my source of comfort
It's close to the earth
My only warmth
Keeps burying me
D
  O
    W
           N
           N
          N
            Never have I felt
  A sense of true comfort
My brain unravels
Either numb
Or sadness
Mixed with madness
Mad
     Mad
Mad    mad
Mad
Sad
It's buried so deep
Which reality is real
Can I really feel
Like I used to
Or was that a dream
Hmmmm
So it seams

I'm lost
In this dimension
Blue and gray
Swirling snow in May
Falling
Under water
Bubbling in my

Lungs

I'm too high strung
I'm too far gone
Everything feels wrong
Where do I belong
I keep singing the song
But I forgot the chorus
My brain tries to floor it
I out wore it
Now it's torn
R I P P E D to s hReDS
I'll get on my bed

And wait to be dead

Maybe then I'll find
Everything I left behind

Giants in the city
They think, oh isn't this pretty
So many giants in the city
City
   City

Massive, brutal, but not very witty
They can't help get lost in the nitty gritty
Of the city
City
   City

I can't help but want to dance
Dancing in the night romance
Perfect In the city
City
    City

I should be Afraid of you
  So intimating what can I do
Lost in this city
City
   City

But God you're so pretty
You may be be giant
But that's what I'm in love with
Every flaw is a new wonder
To discover
With joy and confusion
I don't want another illusion
Let me get lost and found
While I climb you from the ground
In this city
City
     City

*** I need my vacation
It's been forever
Since I've had my pleasure time

Have you ever lived without a dime
Lived without eating
Lived while barely breathing?

It's not fair I need my weekend off
I haven't seen my boyfriend today
I'm too young for this

Did you have a home growing up
A loving mother and father
Comfort and clean water ?

Please look around you
Realize what you have
Stop acting so entitled
Most people haven't eaten in awhile

You have love
You still have hope
You have money
And friends

What would you do if that all ends

Im sorry about this
But it simply amazes me
How people don't appreciate
Every little thing

Because life is so difficult
I can't even believe
The things you have
If I may speak honestly

I'm happy for people
Who have good health and love
But for goodness sake
Appreciate it and stop
Complaining so much

It's hard to watch
When I can't even find lunch
That  you're ******* because
It's been a year since you've visited
Florida

La la la
La la la
I'm going down
An endless road
I do not know why
I must go
La la la
La la la

There's burning
And crashing
And brutal death
But I'll go
Until my last breath
I guess
La la la
La la la

I'm in absolute misery
I finally realized it's pointless
Open your eyes stop singing
The warning bells keep ringing
La la la
La la la

Everyday a smile
Just to appease them for awhile
Until night falls and I'll consider
How I'll fall

I'm alone now
Only walls surround me
I can stop singing
This cheery mockery

The scariest part of abuse
Is you always think
Well that's can't possibly be me
As you lay there
S
   I
N
   K
I
  N
G
  Into iNsAnItY

Its midnight
I sit in my car
Swaying to Taylor swift
I think of you

I breathe in a smile
One I haven't felt in so long
I forgot this feeling
It's so pure

I can't stop gushing
And swirling
I'm not just hearing music
Now I can feel it

I'm like a teenage girl again
Excited and blushing
The feeling so innocent
Peaceful and adorable

All you did was smile
I breathe your smile in
My heart became full
Like it used to be around you

It's not a dark desire
Or a desperate want
It's a sweet kiss
A innocent bliss
A autumn evening
That keeps me believing

Love is real
When I see you
I can never have you
But that's okay
Because being around you
Is joy enough

You like me for me
I don't need to change
And that's so kind
Thank you
For being you
And making me
Believe

Walk all over me
I ask you to stop
That made you feel guilty
I'm so sorry please continue

My pain does not matter
I'm just a empty platter
Use me and take what you need
Grow only your seed

I'm sorry I tried to grow
I'm sorry I wanted to go
You demanded what you want
I'll take it like a servant

For a moment I stood up
Firmly on the ground
I stood on your toes
You exclaimed all your woes

I went too far
I'm so sorry
Run me over with a car
I deserve to be walked on
Beaten on and ran on
Until I black out

Please go on and pout
About
How I tried
To believe in myself
And it upset your self worth

Here here little bird
Come quietly without a word
Come see the shimmering beauty

It bounces off the moon
Into the lake
Red blue and green
Dancing like a ballerina

Chirp to me little bird
Sing your song with all your words
This night has a touch of magic

Why are you awake so late?
I'm glad you're here
But fear you may be misplaced
Entranced and misguided by her
Glowing touch

Use her warmth as a clutch
She holds the last hope
Only gliding softly through
Our dreams

Dear,
   Everyone
Who ever mocked me
Who ever looked down
Who ever made fun of me
Who ever made me cry

The tears I shed
Were not in your name
They were from my own blame
You never owned anything

I know you see it
How strong I really am
I'm quiet and afraid
But really you're amazed

I've battled wars you'll never know
Blood and guts unimaginable
You only see the wounds
Yet you're still afraid

Call me weak
Call me pathetic
Call me what you may
It won't stay

I am so brave
Knock me down
I'll fall so very far
But I'll get up so very tall

You're weak
You're stupid
You're pathetic
Above all, you're afraid

Don't pin that on me
I didn't ruin your destiny
You can't taint my soul
I'll still be nice but I won't
Be nobody's fool

Dear, everyone
      You will never break me
       So ******* *** I'll live beautifully

I wish for autumn
The flowing leaves
The crisp Smell
The chilly dew

Autumn is so rare
These days we only get
Hot air and heavy breathing
Burning sun and burnt skin

There's no win
If you love autumn
It comes and goes
Quicker then my woes

I wish I lived
In nonstop autumn
The oranges and reds
The fairies and witches
Roaming amok

something about the moon
Glosses over in fog
With bats flying above
Leaves me feeling in love

My heart aches for these days
But come they may
They leave and I feel betrayed
For then everything dies

Like my heart
In the winter cries
I can't help it
I hate everything in life
But the beautiful chill
Of October

I looked upon her
The glow on the lake
Long and vast

I looked to her left
The deep blue
Makes me feel small

All I saw
Was beauty and despair
Whispering in her air

I cried to her
I talked and pleaded
Her glow did not answer

Oh sweet beauty
She's but a msytery
And I fear my life

Even while staring upon her
Is but misery