I see them watching me,
All eyes aimed at my life,
Everyone trying to see,
Waiting for me to trip or stumble.
I may fall, I may fail,
But no matter what I will pick myself up,
I will restart my game,
So I can try again.
No giving up for me,
Surely this you can see?
I will always push forward,
That’s the only way I know how to be.
Life is hard,
That’s a fact,
A truth for us all.
So worry about your own life,
Rather than waiting for me to fall.

You wonder why your life gets darker,
Yet you treat people like you are their master.
You are using ****,
And a liar to boot.
You want love and respect,
Yet only say stuff you?
Grow up you pig,
It’s time to be a man.
They are your children,
Don’t you understand?
You tell them lies,
And feed them with hate,
Yet here you are wondering,
Why are they late?
You reap what you sew,
Or so they say.
By that measure you must be surrounded by hate.

All I do is fight,
It is ingrained in my soul.
To stand up for myself,
To defend my position,
To me is all I know.

I am tired now,
I just want to lay down,
To accept oppression in my heart.
To give up being me.

I am trapped,
Leaning on who I am,
While being crushed by how I feel.
I am losing this fight.
I have lost.

We are all fallen,
For we are all weak.
As we travel through the ages,
It is wisdom we seek.
In ignorance we bathe,
And in darkness we stay.
We allow our blindness to mislead on this day.
For we are no better than we ever once were,
The illusion is comfort on this blue and green earth.
But fear not and rejoice, for all is not as it seems.
Because to change your own world, you just open your eyes and see.

Life is hard,
That’s the way it’s meant to be.
We try so hard,
This is easy to see.
They say hard work pays off in the end,
On this I disagree.
How can death be the payout,
That doesn’t seem good to me.
We fight,
We struggle,
This is what makes our life.
If it was easy we’d have no reason,
No reason to fight,
And push for something better.
The final destination is irrelevant,
It’s the journey that makes us.

To be human is truly an enigma,
A puzzled desperately waiting to be solved.
Are we this,
Or are we that?
The answer to which we may never know.
More and more questions emerge,
As life begins to unfold.
Questions without answers,
Just more pieces for us to hold.
We start with nothing,
And we end up the same.
But we hold all of the parts,
On our journeys way.
We try to assemble it,
The best that we can.
Our painting is a mess,
A puzzle full of holes,
Until the day we decide,
That enough is enough,
And that we should just enjoy our lives.
We drop all the pieces,
And close our eyes,
We take a deep breath,
For the very last time.
And just for a moment,
We can enjoy the ride.
Right up until we say our final goodbyes.

Being a stepparent is a fate worse than life.
I spend my time feeding into relationships that will not stand the test of time.
I am here as support, no matter what you need.
But no matter what I do I’ll never be he.

He who made you,
He who abandoned you.
He who caused you pain.

No matter what he does, you love him all the same.
Whatever I do I am looked on with disdain.

Being a stepdad is the hardest of all work,
Using me and running to him,
It makes my feelings hurt.

Yeah he may have made you but he never put in the work.
I don’t want to take his place,
I just want peace.

For you to love me will make me forever pleased.

Life is costly, With all the time we take.
We spend our lives worrying about what we’ll make.
But when it’s all said and done it’s all about the total spend.
We have a finite amount, And none to lend.
As sad as it is, time kills us all in the end.
So spend it wisely and create no waste.
Enjoy what you have and forgo the haste.

For you I am so worried,
Getting myself worked up into a flurry.
I need to know you’re safe,
Or if I need to take you out of that place.
To me you are my world,
For you I’d destroy the world.
To you I am an annoyance,
Always questioning your safety.
I fear that one day you may snap,
And turn around and hate me.
I just hope on that day you choose to live your life safely.

I have pain in my head that won’t go away.
A constant headache that is with me everyday.
No let up, no reprieve,
Just constant thumping pain for me.
I feel like my head could burst,
And what a relief that wold be,
Because the continuation of pain is truly the worst.
Surgeons cut me open,
My brain they could see.
Why is it that they still have not been able to fix me?
My tumour is gone,
But my brain feels the same.
The danger has passed,
But the suffering won’t go away.

Every morning I wake up early.
I hate getting up, but a lay in is just not for me.
While the others in the home sleep, my mind starts to race.
Out of this warm and cosy bed I get, and around the house I pace.
Before much time has passed boredom gets up and takes it’s terrible place.
The silence of the house is deafening, almost like its screaming in my face.
Every moment that passes by has all gone to waste.
If only I stayed in bed this morning, rather than evacuating with haste.
Maybe then I’d be less bored, or at least no longer be awake.
But here I am awake again, like the sun and I are in a race.
One day I’ll get to sleep in, and wouldn’t that be great?
To have a restful nights sleep may be just what I need.
But the universe has other ideas when it comes to me.
It wants anything and everything for me.
That is, of course, with the exception a good nights sleep.

It’s a dog eat dog world,
Or so they say.
But for me it is worse, unending pain.
I feed the dogs and provide them with support.
But when it comes to reciprocation, those dogs fall short.
Do I deserve the love I give, back?
Or do I deserve the pain of this knife in my back?
Should I be the enemy?
Or am I allowed allies?
Wherever I draw the line I am the only one on my side.
Nobody to help me,
And nobody to care.
When I fall down I can count on the floor for support.
When you fall down you have me for support.
I catch you when you are falling, and save you from impact.
I stand you up and I dust you off.
I wipe away your tears using nothing but love.
You look up at me with disdain before you run off.
It hurts me bad and it cuts me deep.
But never in your life will you care when I weep.
Why do I do it, I hear you ask.
But explaining myself is an easy task.
I treat others how I want to be treated myself.
Even if reciprocation is never felt.
I will never get treatment for my broken heart.
My feelings are deep,
And indeed heavy.
I carry it on my shoulders even though I’m not ready.
I hold it up for you on a daily basis.
Atlas had the world on his shoulders,
That’s an easy job for him.
I carry eternity, and a fight I’ll never win.

Watching you grow through the years I’ve known you,
Has been a journey of twists and turns, of joy and of pain.
Through all of this there is something I’d like to say.
Thank you for teaching me so much about myself,
Thank you for making me a better man,
Thank you for all the love I’ve felt,
Thank you for everything.

We start with nothing,
And we end up with the same.
It’s the events in the middle,
That defines the nature of our game.
For some it’s intense, fiery and short.
For others it’s a careful and considerate walk.
We strive for difference,
Yet we achieve deadly equality.
We try to make our mark,
Just to be remembered.
But in the end we fade,
Like we knew we would from the start.
With nothing left behind,
Not a scrap to be measured.
Is it worth all the effort,
Just to then disappear.
All the pain we experience,
Year upon year.
Should I stop now,o
And just give up here?
Or should I push on,
Despite my desperation and fear?

For you I worry,
For you I cry,
For you I would ****,
For you I would lay down my life.

For me you are my best friend,
For me you are my world,
For me you are inspirational,
For me you are amazing.

For us the world creates problems,
For us the world wants separation,
For us the world wants us to end in different destinations,
For us the world wants us to feel disconnection.

For you I would walk to the ends of the earth,
For you I would fight for all I’m worth,
For you I would do anything,
For you I would walk through the flames of hell carrying you in my arms.

I came into your life ten years ago and for the longest time you just didn’t want to know.
I understood your feelings, but still it caused me pain.
On the day I entered your life, I changed what I am.
No more being selfish, time to be a better man.
For you deserved more than the life had gave you.

You were separated from your mother, by a cold and evil hand.
All I could do was watch, and weep where I stand.
All the while you hated me, and so you took a stand.
I wanted to be there for you, to support you, and to hold your hand.
They all told lies to you, about who and what I am.
So for your hatred, I get it, I truly understand.
In recent times you have grown into the finest young lady I know in all the land.
In recent times I’ve tried to show you, and make you understand,
Just who, what and why I am the way I am.
I feel we have grown closer, but that may just be where I stand.
I hope you grow to love me, and respect who I am.
But if you don’t, I get it, I truly understand.

I will always be where you need me, no matter where you stand.
Because to me you are my daughter, I hope you understand.
I had no part in making you, because I’m not your real dad.
If I was your father maybe a better life would be had.
Maybe not for you, but definitely for me.
These people tried to separate us and prevent us from this bond.
But no matter the circumstances, for you I will always try to be strong.
It brings me joy to see you succeed,
It tears me apart when I hear you weep.
I just hope that one day you’ll want to come to me.

I have come to a crossroads in my life,
Pain goes left and suffering right.
Do I turn and take one road,
Or do I stay here with nowhere to go.

I am at a loss as to what I should do,
If only I had some guidance,
Maybe even from you.
Someone somewhere, just tell me what to do.

I really need some help,
But this you already know.
I stand on my own,
With nowhere to go.

Here I am in limbo,
Waiting for someone to want to know.
Here I am feeling empty,
Fighting the ebb and flow.

Knowing and knowing are two different things,
Therefore ignorance on two counts is an additional sin.

Not knowing and not showing,
That’s one more for the list.
If you don’t know then don’t pretend,
Because you will be caught out, in the end.

Not knowing but asking, this is ok.
If you don’t ask then you don’t find out,
Or so all the old boys would say.

But you ask and they laugh,
On the way home you cry all the way.

You would love to be smart and know everything.
But when you ask they laughed, you just can’t win.

Life is flowing,
Rapid and uncertain,
Like a river carving it’s path through the land.
It twists and it turns,
It relents for no man.
Rapids and waterfalls,
Are all part of the journey.
There’s no way to prepare,
So we all set out early.
No matter the course we take,
Or the length of the ride,
Our destination is the same,
We all get there in time.
Some of us fight it,
And that’s ok.
While others lay back,
And let it sweep them away.
Do what you want,
Not just what you think you can.
We only ride once,
So be the best person you can.

We seem bleak and heartless
Cruel and uncaring
Through the darkness we look
All we feel is you staring

There is no rest for the wicked
No reprieve for the wise
No peace to be had
This is the world
Shared by you
Seen by me

Life is a war,
Concluded ultimately in death
There are no winners
We all have nothing left

We walk our paths as we step on the road,
No love, no release, just cobble and stone.

We have no direction, no place and no home
Just light stepping on these raging roads

For we are the broken, the angry, the few
Are we really so different, or are we just like you?

Are we so deserving of the distrust and dissent?
Are we really so damaged that we can’t make a mends?

We have tolerance and love, inclusive of all
We have passion and fire, unknown by the fools

We are the young, yet still are the weary
An entire generation screaming, why can’t you hear me?

Life, as you travel through, gets you in its twists and turns.
Traversing the ups and downs will leave you feeling consumed.
Squandering the ups and downs will leave you feeling consumed.
Squandering the ups because the downs deplete you.
You need to get up and fight, not let it defeat you.
You barely have the strength to stand, yet giving up does not exist within you.
You are all in, you’re fatigued, you’re spent and your tiered.
Your soul is just another victim of the comprehensive depletion.
You’re a hollow shell now, but still you don’t surrender.
What do you fight for and why do you stay?
Do you battle this world for just one more day?

As I sit here consuming the evenings last few conscious thoughts,
It occurs to me that the thoughts in my heart do not match the way I talk.

I talk of kindness, care, and of love, And of putting everyone around me way above.

I think and feel that I could ****, at the slightest drop of a hat.
Normal people do not think like that.

Knowing what I am is the scariest of thoughts.
Knowing I’m undeserving is a feeling that I’ve caught.

The darkness that resides within me, consumes my every thought.
Yet I have the audacity to walk a kindly talk.
I have the bare faced cheek to ignore my darkest thoughts.

They are part of me I know, but I must not put them on show.
The darkness is my failing, nobody else needs to know.

What we are and what we will be
Whether as individuals
Or all together collectively
Can be defined, But only momentarily
Our definition is fluid
Our destination undefined
All we are on this journey,
Is along for the ride

Will there ever be a time when you consider my feelings?
Or will I, to you, always hold no meaning?

My emotions are not toys to be played with.
My heart is hardly beating.
From all this pain and struggle,
I’m barely able to continue feeling.

I tell you my feelings don’t matter,
But really I think they do.
My cold and weary heart is struggling,
Yet desperate to continue.

Every time you take,
more of me falls away.
There will come a time,
Although not on this day,
When there is nothing of me left.
Not even my remains.

But hold back your tears and remain strong of heart,
Because you don’t need me anyway,
You didn’t from the start, nor any other day.

Why does my imperfect action,
Create such a negative reaction?

Why does your malicious intent,
Leave me feeling spent?

Am I really to blame?
I think so, do you say the same?

Do we have a future together,
The continuation no matter the weather?

Are we destined to soar,
Love, pain, and everything more?

Winning is losing,
In such a different form,
Losing is winning no more

Between you and I
There has been pain and struggle.
You say hurtful things but think I live in a bubble.
You run to him with your lies and expect me to accept it.
It hurts my feelings, it cuts me deep.
But nonetheless I try my best to provide you with what you need.
You need love and I give it in spades.
You need support and I hold it up like atlas.
You need consistency and I make sure that I remain unchanged.
But no matter what you still run to him.
You tell him lies about me to make home like you.
He’s your dad, I’d never get in the way of that.
But I love you kid, surely you know that?
I tell you my feelings don’t matter but really they do.
Every time you do this it cuts me in two.
But still you expect unwavering support.
He picks you up and drops you whenever it suits,
But still you insist on cutting me in two.

You say you want love,
Then why ignore your mum?
She cares for you deeply,
And you know she does.
You say she doesn’t talk enough,
But you ignore her when she does.
You want to feel connection,
And love in all its celebration.
You need some support,
But you dismiss her when beside you she tries to walk.
All she wants is to be your mum,
To care for her children,
Every single one.