sometimes i wonder if i’m doing this right
or if everyone else is just pretending that i am.

Dear Self,
You aren’t too kind to yourself,
You always feel like a hologram of skin and bones, a wasted soul.
Your mind runs ninety-nine miles per hour, yet you’re seated in place.
You’re locked in place, fighting off that weather of weapons, all on your own.
You smoke those cancer sticks, and BAM!
All your stress seems to flow away, like a rushing river across the land.
You stay up all night, you insomniac, you night owl, you can’t even bring yourself to get up in the mornings to slave away under those fat cats on top of society.
I hope one day, you can find the courage to go back to being a motor mouth.
I hope one day, you’ll go back to being that talented show stopper.
I hope that one day.
You’ll stop being such a dust kicker and get back on your feet.
Just know that every chapter comes to an end, but at least we’ve anticipated this one against all the other endings we have yet to face

sometimes i wonder.

did it hurt when you left?
did it hurt when you said all of those things?
did you really mean it?

sometimes i wonder...

the late nights that i have pushed through trying to understand,
how was it so easy for you?
you moved on without a problem, a year and five months gone...

why is it i still miss you when you don't even seem to notice me.
i'm invisible, a ghost, another blurred face in your peripheral vision.

but like you once said,
the seasons will continue to change, the sun will still set, the world will still turn...

how was it so easy for you when anytime i saw you, my stomach would churn?
how was it so non-chalant when i couldn't even stop myself from crying when you walked by?

a year and five months, gone.

sometimes i still listen to our song.
a forgotten memory in the back of your memory, i'm sure...

time has passed and now we're just a blur.

see, i thought it was no strings attached.

i first noticed by your protective words and intoxicating eyes.

i tried to not let it show,

i tried to not let you know,

but like any fool...

i fell for you and i didn't mean to.

his voice has always had this reassurance to it.

not the kind of reassurance you'd get from a friend, parent or sibling.

it's the reassurance that you hang on to.

the kind you'd think about five years from now.

the kind that keeps you up at night from the butterflies his words created.

it's reassuring.

and it's all i need, all that anyone really needs.

life would be simpler if we could all understand that.

You're 1,700 miles away from me.

You expect me to stay when you don't even try.

I always feel like I'm on the verge of going under, like the waves in the sea.

Your love is intoxicating, addicting... you're a drug.

You're the nicotine in my cigarettes, the blood that keeps my heart pumping.

I'm unsure how to proceed, I'm scared even...

I wish we could just go back to the way it used to be.

Benjamin...
god that name...
runs through my head all day until I fall asleep and I get to see you in my dreams...
floating through the cosmos...
I don’t know...
just the way we’re alone...
nothing between us....
stardust on your fingertips...
intertwining your fingers...
so close to me...
feels so real...
the way your heartbeat sounds in the dead of space...
the way your warm breath hits my neck...
in the chilling cold of the cosmos...
just... the way you’re there...
feels so real...
we’re so close...
I wake up and...
there it is again... that name...
Benjamin...
I helped chose Atlas as your middle name because an Atlas is a type of map...
and I knew if I ever got lost...
you’d help me find my way....
pull me out of the deep space and back into the galaxy...
vibrant and bright...
you made my black and white perspective bring color in my life...
so amazing... that it makes me... contemplate...

Oh, the joyous day of our first breath.

Oh, the joyous day of our freedom.

Oh, the joyous day of our first day of understanding.

Oh, the joyous day of our first dreams.

Oh, the saddened day of our first heartbreak.

Oh, the saddened day of our first contemplation.

Oh, the saddened day of our first suffocation.

Oh, the saddened day of our first bad habits.

Oh, the saddened day of our last breath.

Now read it from bottom to top.

though your tears sink through my phone,

oh I wish you were with me,

where you felt at home.

your pain lifted,

your hurt shifted.

i would carry some weight,

for i don’t wish to see you in this state.

i have never seen you cry,

the emotions continuing to multiply,

let me take some weight, let me lift it to the sky.

for you are a simple boy,

trapped in a complex world,

my only wish is to see you restored.

the autumn leaves fall,

the winter wind stings,

much like your pain and sorrow.

i wish that you could take a piece of my soul, only for awhile, just to borrow.

you are a thousand stars up in the sky,

your emotions have you tied.

and much like the tears that soak through my phone,

i open my arms, welcoming you home.

don’t be afraid to fall in love

especially when the One your with is fading away

but the one you’ve known only for a day

is there for you when you needed Them most

because it doesn’t take love to know someone inside and out

it takes two souls that were bonded at the start

love ignites at the sight of life

nothing makes me sadder than my own head.

But when you force me to make adult decisions that have childish effects...

I find myself dealing with the drugs,
the alcohol, and the cigarettes.

one word, but a hundred emotions.

one picture, but a thousand messages.

one life, but a million destinies.

it was raining.

the world was mine to take, so I stepped outside and danced around.

I took off my coat and began to let myself soak up the water from the sky,

Let this illusion disintegrate, for no one could ruin this, not even with goodbye.

My tears blended with the water droplets as they hit my face,

The world was truly within my fates.

you were just like cigarette smoke.

the smell of it stuck to everything it touched, yet vanished so quickly.

It holds the energy forever.

I stood there and watched you.

Your smile lit up the whole room,
I didn’t expect to fall so soon.

I have never met perfection, for I was told that no one was perfect.

Then I met you.

My biggest regret about leaving him was that smile.

That ****** smile.

As people, we face many quests through out the cosmos.
But the most amazing Journey is that of life.
And the biggest question you face is who you go on that journey with.

Maybe you found someone new...
And this is probably my cue...
So I sat in in my room...
The door locked, i’m ready to shoot...
To leave and let go...
Cause You make feel so old...
And make me feel like a fool...
Because it’s been so long...
Where I haven’t really meant my “l love
you”s...
And how stupid of me...
How I felt so blue...
Falling in love with the broken pieces of the memories with you...
I don’t know what I’m supposed to do...
With all these feelings I feel for you...
So I guess it’s my cue...
To leave and let go of all my things I felt for you....
And knowing the sky...
is under the lovers unite...
the stars came down...
Whispering on how our fates were perfectly aligned...
and at a hundred and two...
I sat, staring up...

And for a moment I felt like I really loved you...

Nothing matters in the end.
We either **** up the world even more.
Or change it.
But it doesn’t matter in the end.
Because we all die.

Leave it alone, Mate,
She doesn’t want to go home with ya.

oh, look at the time,
you ****** this hazy head of mine,
oh, baby, would you look at the time?
you ****** this hazy head of mine,
bye-bye,
oh, you ****** this hazy head of mine,
bye-bye,
oh, look at the time,
you ****** this hazy head of mine,
oh, baby, would you look at the time?
you ****** this hazy head of mine,
you’re my medicine.

Him with Her.

You can be a King or a Street Sweeper, But everyone dances with the Grim Reaper.

I told the Genie for my third and final wish, that I wanted my family to be happy.

Then I started fading.

I wanna see you, but I know you’re not mine.

The saddest thing about losing the best memories with people is when they become apart of the memories too.

I fell in love with the moment and I thought I was in love with the girl.

I can’t ever give you my soul...
Because I’m never alone.

go down
soft sound
midnight
car lights
playing with the air
breathing in your hair
go down
soft sound
step into your skin?
i’d rather jump in your bones
taking up your mouth
so you can breathe through your nose

Settle Down!

maybe it was never your smell,
maybe it was just your eyes.
maybe I couldn’t really see,
what you truly had in mind.

That little kiss you stole?
It broke my heart and soul.

maybe my real problem is that when I’m lost,
I look for you and not myself.

We used to talk all night.
And now we barely even look at each other.

I looked into her sparkling eyes.
All I could do was whisper,
“Sometimes, silence is the loudest noise...”

I heard that you found someone else...

And that’s when I knew I lost you forever.

Break me softly...
A phrase I often say to myself.
I can’t ever seem to find the right one.
And my wish is never answered.
But I wish to be broken softly,
For I cannot hold on much longer.
So break me softly...

You knew what you were doing.
You knew exactly what you said.
You knew every action you made.
You knew exactly what I would become.
You’re a Thief.
You’re the shadows that roam before dawn.
You’re the thorns on a rose.
Your words cut like obsidian daggers.
You knew exactly what you did.
You lied to everyone.
All because you’re a selfish criminal.

my heart is broken,
aching, hurting, why did you do this?
What did I do...?
The pain, it hurts so much...
And the glass has broken,
The cracks have formed.

My God.
This feeling is taking over.
Clawing at my very existence,
Spilling my insides onto the floor.
The stars have left my eyes,
My hygiene has wilted.
Instead of seeing the blue cover skies,
I only see the cement under my feet.
My shadows dance in the sunlight,
Laughing and mocking me.
Slowly knocking me down,
I’m tired all the time.
I’m sick of this feeling.
Sick of the demons inside of me.
They’re never ending party goers,
Constantly going and going until I fall.
I reach for help, some type of hope,
I find myself slipping away.
I’m so sick of these demons inside of me.
The drugs don’t help,
My smile fades when you look away.
I’m ripping myself apart,
And I’m sick of these demons.
Because they’re the ones making it happen.

You have so much potential.
So, So, So, So much.
And whenever you put a blade to your skin,
I watch the universe leak from the scars on your wrist.

Our love has gone cold
          And
I’m looking through you
  While you’re looking through your           phone
          And then leaving with
    Somebody else...
           I don’t want your body, but
I’m picturing your body with
       somebody else

My breath hitched as I let go of her hand.

I let her go.
She looked back and all I could do is walk away.
...she didn’t care.
She never did.

And guess whose fault it is to think she did?

Sometimes, another problem is all it takes to go on.