I do not want you to cry

Most of you
Crying at my grave
I don´t even know just yet
At least so I hope

Still, I do not want you to cry

I want to die old
Surrounded by family
Surrounded by friends

Well knowing what I did
With a proud smile
I want to part
From my body
At least for this life

I want you to laugh
To remember

And yes...
If you feel like it
You may cry

Though not forever

Life keeps going on

We have no choice
No say
It´s better that way

I don´t know when
I don´t know how

I just want you to know
No matter who will be there

That I was proud
And happy
I am now
I shall always be

A reflection of the self
The bathroom mirror shows so much more

Her eyes
An ocean trapped in an endless storm
Marks of heavy tears below
And sleepless nights

Her lips
Kissed by cherries
Smiling hurts some days
Sobs kept falling out of it

Her skin
A desolate winter night
The sun was always avoided
The night was her only friend

Her hair
Colored in the same shade as the trees
Sometimes short, sometimes long
The bangs always straight

She is beautiful
Not even broken
Just bent

A reflection of the self
The view I give myself shows so much more

Time never stops
For no one

You can´t keep living in the past
Expecting a bright future

Death is close
Will you dance with him?

The end is the beginning
Will you embrace it?
You cannot run
You cannot hide

It will keep haunting you
Until you cut all the ties

The past is not your home
Not anymore

Let it go

Or you will be drowned

Your inner child
Is still afraid
Is still wanting to play

The monsters in the wardrobe
The most lovely doll
It´s still waiting for you
Into the depth of your mind

Sometimes it calls out to you
But you won´t listen

Only your dreams
Offer ashore
For the forgotten waves

What will you do?

Is it right, is it wrong
You may wonder

Where is the line?

There is none
There is just you
And yourself

Don´t suffocate yourself
Others had done it enough

It´s time to raise
Not out of the ashes
But out of the water instead

Go another way
And maybe you will be blessed
By a children's laugh

,,Do not cry“
But what if I want to?

,,Behave“
But what if I don´t want to?

I always tried to hold back my tears
My mind full of voices
Which tried to blame me
My feelings always drowned
In the fear of displeasing others

It might be my last challenge
I am worthy
Worthy to feel
Worthy to show

I will cry, scream and weep
In their faces

Sadness will be my guest

For a moment
For a day
For a week
As long as it takes

I won´t swallow any more
I will spit it all out
No matter if you like it or not

So take my tears
Take my smile

It will be different tomorrow
Nothing stays the same

I refuse to hide my change
I refuse to hide my emotions

You may leave if you dislike it
Because I won´t give up on my path

I won´t give up on my choices

I did not

Nothing ever made sense to me
Why would they do that
Why would they say that

I never felt like they felt
I never spoke as they spoke

It felt unfitting, unwanted
There was always a wall between us
Nothing I tried to built
Just something which appeared

Scars always seemed to tell a story
A story I was interested in
Until I carried them on my own

Suddenly they felt heavy
Heavier then they looked on others

I thought they would make you strong
They do
But they are also a burden
And always will be

Nothing will ever let them disappear
You can just learn to live with them

That´s just part of life, I guess

Still, I wonder why me

All I ever waited for
I always waited in vain

Nothing I desired
Was meant to be in the end
Meant to be mine

Is there something wrong with me?

Nothing and no one
Ever could comfort my burning soul

I learned to live with it
It belongs to me, I accept it

Though some nights I wonder
How it would be
To be listened to and understood
To be comforted and held

Like rain
So sad and yet so beautiful

A gloomy day
Wrapped up in endless hope
An endless disappointment

Still, I pray
My voice doesn´t even shake anymore
It feels like everything is ignoring my existence

Fate
Oh what hate I felt towards you
Ever since I can remember
I tried to love you
But I doubt you wanted me to

A month of success
But for who?

My name seems to be missing
On every single list
Like I am outside the circle

Maybe it should make me proud
Maybe I should cry
Or laugh

But all I can think of is silence

How can you judge
With your eyes alone?

I do not care for your colorful shoes
Nor your expensive jacket
Even less for that long car

Why would you?

Is it truly all we wish for
Something to please the eye with?

Does it bring you more pleasure?
Then a talk about the stars?

I want a connection
Not just attraction

The excitement to meet someone new
Often melts away after a day
Maybe after a date

I want more
I want to see beyond your soul

Tell me what you miss
What you hope for

Your story is what I long after
Not your empty shell

It stares back at me
A reflection I long thought of my own
Too blind to see
I cannot fix myself through you

You kept adding cracks
Refusing to care for yourself
Ignoring your duties
And pushing your problems on me

Like a plague
Your words sought my heart
I kept tried to smile
Believing you were too young
Too young to understand

Yet the voice inside
Kept telling me the truth
That it had to end
No matter how far it would go
Like everything in life

It was no use
It was no good

You had to leave
One way or another
I ignored my own cracks for too long

There is nothing I regret
But maybe the last days
I could have been free
Way earlier than this

The big stage wasn´t meant for us
We both did mistakes in this play
But I won´t give up
Not yet at least
I still have enough breath
For another play

All on my own
Without your toxic thoughts
Without you adding cracks to me

A clear mirror
Old but fixed
Reflecting my movements
This life
Until another

Connection
All we ever wished for
Since we can think of

A soft touch
A hearty laugh
All meant for us

Loneliness doesn´t suit the pretty face
Neither does tears

Still, it´s a part of life
You cannot avoid it
It all returns to you
For you to cry during the night
Staring at the ceiling
Wondering where you went wrong

Nowhere to go
Nowhere to hide

Yet you might feel at home
Because you keep hoping
A feeling more powerful than time

It made you what you are
You should be proud
Instead of frowning at your reflection
In the bathroom mirror

Your body carried you
Your mind shaped you
Even without a friend
Even without a partner

It is you
A choice to make

Wherever you like seeing the tears
Or reject their existence

In the end
It all comes back to you

A happy face
A gorgeous smile
A cry hid beneath

Why would I?

I am not hiding anymore

Tears left their marks
My cheeks turning into rivers
My lips into mountains
Desperately trying to kiss the sky

The sun and moon
Never truly meeting
Only from afar

I feel like a cloud
Some days so pure
Others full of sadness

Yet I keep floating
Until I break down once again
Into the cold lake below

Drowning
The air out of my lungs
Gone

It´s not pleasant
It will never be
But it has to be gone
So I can raise again

I will grow
And grow
And grow

Until I can cover the sun
And the moon on my own

My throat turns dry
My fingers are tingling

A feeling in the air
A sensation of pain

Excitement may be stronger than fear
But not in this case I believe

I don´t even know why
Nothing makes sense
Never I wondered so much
Like during the last nights

Are my roots deep enough
To survive the next storm?

I wish for more than hope
I desire knowledge
To be sure
If I can make it to the next spring

I can´t give up
That time is over

I will endure
So my leaves can return
Every single year

I won´t stay empty for long
Even if it takes a winter more