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Jean Sep 2018
I had a dream last night.
You were there.
Right next to me.
And then you said,
“You know the feeling?”
And I asked,
with a feeling in my gut
that I couldn’t forget,
“which one?”
And you whispered,
“You know the feeling you get
when you love someone?”

And then I woke up.
My eyes flew open.
My arms reaching for you.
But you weren’t there.
No.
You never were.
Composed on 9.6.18
Sep 2018 · 86
No.1
Jean Sep 2018
Something has began to chill
As if we were holding still.
Waiting, as we watched who would fall
And pray they weren’t among us all.
Composed 9.2.18.

I couldn’t thing of a name, so I gave it a number.
Sep 2018 · 175
Imagine
Jean Sep 2018
Your lips pulled at mine
******* me forward
Your mouth a vortex
A vaccumn in the cavern
And somehow
I think I gave it light
Composed on 8.31.18.
Jean Aug 2018
Someone once caught me dreaming
With no where to hide
And they asked me what feeling
I was feeling inside
So I told them I was sleeping
For no one could bide
Composed 8.25.18
Aug 2018 · 66
That’s It
Jean Aug 2018
I’m pacing back and forth in the bathroom
And I have a headache
And I’m not sure if I can breathe anymore anyways
And that’s it
That’s it
Jean Aug 2018
If you are Horatio, let me be Hamlet
Because I need you right by my side
If I must face what is to face

If you are Horatio, let me be Hamlet
Because if I face what is inside
I might need you to be my brace

If you are Horatio, let me be Hamlet
Because if I need someone to hide
All the ghosts I see, it’d be my ace

If you are Horatio, let me be Hamlet
Because if I get caught up in the tide
I’d need you to bring me down from space

If you are Horatio, let me be Hamlet
Because when my hands are seldom tied
I’d need you to come unlace

If you are Horatio, let me be Hamlet
Because if there is someone to be alongside
You’d be in just the right place

Because if you are Horatio,
let me be Hamlet
Composed sometime in 2018.
Aug 2018 · 104
Everything
Jean Aug 2018
I don’t understand why I can’t keep it hidden
It’s so clear it’s so obvious
that what you hide
isn’t truly kept hidden
But you place it in a glass box
pretending as if no one can see
Everyone sees
but everyone says nothing
because nothing is better than everything
because everything is what you hide
and sometimes
I wish
I were
everything
Aug 2018 · 63
The Colors in Me
Jean Aug 2018
i think
you bring out
the colors in me
the yellows and the oranges
all the blues and the greens
they just come out
when once you’re seen

you almost break down the walls
i’ve fortified

you remind me i should be careful around
all the people like you

because i feel all my colors flood out
once i start thinking of you

i get butterflies at your name
i know you don’t feel the same

but I can’t help but falling in love
with you

i think
you bring out
the colors in me
the yellows and the oranges
all the blues and the greens
they just come out
when once you’re seen
Aug 2018 · 180
In a Room Full of Twelve
Jean Aug 2018
In a room full of twelve
It felt like eleven
Lonely isn’t the word
I would use to describe it
People were there
But I couldn’t bring myself to use them
People were there
But I couldn’t let my walls away from me
People were there
But I couldn’t let myself lean on them

That’s why I can’t ever go back to that island
I cannot be alone again
Something that happened years ago, yet I can’t ever forget.
Aug 2018 · 146
Miles Away From An Ocean
Jean Aug 2018
Like the calm before the storm
Like the calm before your sleep
Until the nightmares come
like the waves on a stormful sea
They pull you in without consent
Hooking you with razor-like fingers
You are forced to fully submerge
as the waves pummel you over and over
Just before You are about to drown
You are spit out

after the waves have left your bones bruised
after the waves have left your and skin scarred
a second of relief and a moment of breath
then the waves come again and again without the mercy to let you take a single breath.

Of course
You fight
Like a fish struggling for water
The waves become harder and harder still
Relentless in their beating of you
Their destroying of your Heart
So that you can no longer call it yours
But it’s still beating

Sometimes you begin to think
Maybe if you drown
Maybe you'll wake up
You can't call out for help
your lungs are full of water
Kicking and thrashing only does so much
You can't win because the waves are so much stronger
You can’t see a way out
The sky is devoid of light or signs of life
There is no lifeguard on the shore to see
There is no innocent bystander to call for
There is nothing
There is a void of empty where there should be something
Should be something
Other than the waves and you
And your heart that is no longer yours
But is still beating

All You can do is watch as you drown
From a first person perspective
Watch your body be shattered and ripped to pieces
Underneath each and every wave

But through it all
The only thing you are sure of:
You are drowning miles away from an ocean
But your tears do taste like the spray
Composed over a year ago.
Jean Aug 2018
I find myself drowning in a sea of broken glass and shattered dreams
The waves they crash with a foam of ash
I am stuck in the riptide of you, starry-eyed
You took the breath from my lungs with only a look
But now the water rushes in leaving me to endure
What the rocks have destroyed- what I could not avoid
The truth is gone and free and too uncouth
The one wave that left me like a hit-and-run
And I want to hope all the pain I felt was in vain
I shouldn’t have to be ready to hold myself steady
When I find myself drowning in a sea of broken glass and shattered dreams
Drowning in a sea of you and me
Composed as I was thousand of miles away from an ocean.
Aug 2018 · 100
Shadows of the Morning
Jean Aug 2018
the shadows of the morning
grow long and wide

they are the last bits of darkness in our world
as the night turns to dawn

the shadows
they tell me

“this is what hope is”

and I ask back
curious to know

“how do you know hope?”

I was confused
how could a shadow know anything of hope

the shadow responded
all so suddenly

“after the long night
there will always be dawn”

and with that
the shadows disappeared into the light
One of the first poems I ever composed. Two years ago.
Aug 2018 · 285
My Own Way to Burn
Jean Aug 2018
Maybe this is my story?

This is where I chose if I live or die
if I do what is wrong or right

but even in my death
I will raise my voice

my time is almost up

so hopefully

hopefully my shout will echo
echo into the masses of people

hopefully

hopefully my shout will echo
echo into the canyons of those who crouch in cowardice

hopefully
hopefully my shout will echo
echo into the spaces of the silent still too scared to speak

Hopefully

hopefully my cry of defiance
will echo farther than ever before

hopefully

hopefully people will not only hear my shout
but that their hearts will listen also

and hopefully

hopefully
hopefully a few will stand up
Inspired by Hans and Sophie Scholl.

This is not the full poem either, but this is one of my favorite parts.
Aug 2018 · 170
Masterpiece Disaster
Jean Aug 2018
Have you ever felt like you were only accidental paint strokes on a canvas?
Just an some indesirable smudge in the corner of some work that would be great if it didn't have the blemish.
Didn’t have the Mistake.
Or a broken masterpiece disaster of a painting, that sits in the back corner of a dusty old museum storage room.
this was written for a character weeks ago.


I need to sleep
Aug 2018 · 156
Extra
Jean Aug 2018
The thing about life
is that you feel a lot of things
but most of all
you feel like an extra in the movie of your life.
this was written for a character weeks ago.
Aug 2018 · 161
Surviving Another Day
Jean Aug 2018
I want to hold you like a breath,
Even if it leads to my death.
And I swear that the only place for me
is right beside you.

I’m right behind you.
I’m not a million miles away.
You’re my reason to stay.

Love’s a dangerous game
Some days you have to play
I can’t push my heart away
I can’t keep my love at bay
I want to do more than surviving another day

And I’m soaring
too close to the sun.
A heat wave
That left me undone.
Love was worth it
In the long run
Even if the day is done

The stars are in my eyes
Now that the sun has set
I’ve found my own constellations
I’m not finished yet
Written as a song by someone who doesn’t know to write music.
Also written for a character weeks ago.
Aug 2018 · 194
I’ve Made it this Far
Jean Aug 2018
I doubt I will ever make it on that stage.
I have too many fears
As my own worst bane
I’ve made it this far
I won’t let my efforts end in vain
Look what I have to gain
Even if it ends in pain

I won’t hold myself back
No I won’t hold myself back
this was written for a character weeks ago.
Aug 2018 · 100
I Can’t Sleep
Jean Aug 2018
I can’t sleep
In this cheap motel room
Where I’m too short to see out the peep hole
my grandmother brought what she calls a night light
Most people call it a light
I call it no sleep
My dad snores
And the light is bright
And I can’t sleep
So I’ll say goodnight
Composed at 12:31 AM by an insomniac.
Jul 2018 · 186
An Arizona Sunrise
Jean Jul 2018
The twinkling stars
Are now oppressed
By the rays of light
That reach the dark
An Arizona sunrise
Is what it is called
And I find that it is
Easy forgive
This sunrise
for waking me
Jul 2018 · 226
Love Sick
Jean Jul 2018
My heart is on fire
My eyes admire
They called it dire
And I must admit, this plan has backfired

For my body has tired
And I am forced retire
To the fact that I cannot be a liar

For I am sick
Love sick for you
Jul 2018 · 272
Filled to the Brim
Jean Jul 2018
i feel empty
hollow
as if someone has poked holes in the back of my chest that lead to my heart so that almost everything that makes me me has drained
the blood rushing out like water from a hose
the noozle turned to the maximum

yet i come to You
because I know everything else won’t do
nothing else will cure me
because everything else just pours more and more into me expecting that i’ll be someday filled
yet that day never comes
because while it might feel good for a second
I feel more drained than ever

but than i come to You
and You patch my holes
and heal my scars
and then fill me up to the brim
with more than i will ever need
Jul 2018 · 580
A Plumeria Plant
Jean Jul 2018
I want to grow a plumeria plant
right outside my window

I want it to blossom and to thrive
to look at the beautiful flowers and sigh

Yet I am afraid I will **** it
since I have always had the opposite of a green thumb

I want to grow a plumeria plant
right outside my window
Jun 2018 · 193
Long Live the Queen
Jean Jun 2018
There is no space for you in this regime
I had thought once and for all that I might truly be queen
but now I am forced to share my throne with a beast

now only the silence meets my screams
it sits me down for a meal that I must eat
my throne at the end of the table no longer my seat

the hand of night seldom brings
the rest and beauty of the now lost dream
my mind is only sieged in sleep

nothing I say will bring me peace
saving, no longer, can be decreed
not as long as you can speak

and as I weep
for your feet are those of a thief
yet you are not the one to flee
you have made your story one to believe

no, no, you are not welcome in this regime
there is only one crown and only one queen
Jean Jun 2018
You ask me how I feel
And I feel everything
You ask me how I feel
Yet I say nothing
Jun 2018 · 259
About Us
Jean Jun 2018
I want to hold your hand and never let go
I want to kiss and cuddle and talk
I want to make dinner with you even though I don’t know how to cook
I want to hold you in your worst and in your best
I want to dance through the night in your arms even though I’m scared to dance
I want you to kiss the back of my hands and catch the tears on my cheeks
I want all those late night talks and all the ‘I Love You’s
I want to argue with you about who hangs up first on the phone
I want to count the stars with you and form our own constellations

I want to know all of this
about us
Jun 2018 · 114
Something Wrong
Jean Jun 2018
Something is wrong
Something feels wrong inside me
Like the jigsaw puzzle of my heart has lost a piece
And it is somewhere hidden deep inside of me
Yet I can’t find it

My heart beats way too fast
And I am not sure how long my facade will last
But I do know it will not outlast
This something wrong

I can’t shake it
The something wrong
Jun 2018 · 87
Goodbye My Friend
Jean Jun 2018
as we began
the stars formed
the cosmos opened
and the planets began to orbit
the universe extended
and
I know just how it ends
because we are there now
between then
and
now
we have learned to dance
and to laugh
and to mend
we have learned what it feels like to be broken
to be lost
but to also be found
and as the end
our ends
draw nearer
we look back at how it all started
how it all begun
how we have been twisted and mangled
by fate
sin and it’s sorrow
greed and it’s sentiments
death and it’s thoughtlessness
of who it has left behind
pride and it's vengeance
destroying anything left of tomorrow
destroying our perfect universe
our
perfect
and
beautiful
universe
that let us paint our own private cosmos
only ours
but now
now our time has come
goodbye my friend
goodbye
Nostalgia for right about this time last year.
Jean May 2018
a door has been opened
in the hallway of the everlasting night
and magic flooded through

with it came the shooting stars
the full moon
the solar system
the falling meteors
each and every constellation
and all that makes sitting in the night
worth the dark
May 2018 · 55
When I Fell
Jean May 2018
when I fell
I knew it wouldn't turn out well
my heart began to swell
and I had something to quell

when I fell
my heart began to rebel
as if it were locked inside a cell
it now hates the place where it must dwell

when I fell
I think I was put under a spell
but there is no way you can tell
for I have told my feelings to dispel
May 2018 · 104
Nights Like These(Part 5)
Jean May 2018
nights like these
and i think I am okay
for once i hear Your word
my stomach unties
not knots
my mind slows
not races
my body rests
not tires
and i know i am okay
for i can feel Your hand of peace holding me
and i know You will never let me go
May 2018 · 208
Nights Like These(Part 4)
Jean May 2018
Nights like these
I even tried to take a shower
The water seems to calm me when it comes down in it’s torrents
like the rain
yet that hasn’t worked out the monster that my body tired
my stomach knotted
and my mind racing in unease
Nights like these
May 2018 · 118
Nights Like These(Part 3)
Jean May 2018
Night like these
The lights turn off
And it feels like someone’s hand clenches my stomach
Twisting and twisting and twisting it into a perfect knot
And I can’t untie it
Nights like these
May 2018 · 71
Nights Like These(Part 2)
Jean May 2018
I’m scared to turn off the lights
For with no light
Then comes the darkness
For with only darkness
Then comes the nightmares
I’m scared to turn off the lights
May 2018 · 84
Nights Like These
Jean May 2018
Nights like these
When my stomach hurts like that
And the light seems to bend around the room in funny ways
And I can’t every seem to fall asleep
Nights like these
When nothing is ever right
May 2018 · 80
run to His embrace
Jean May 2018
if your search for grace
has lead you to be defaced
just run to His embrace

if you only find cold
amongst the brave and the bold
there is warmth in His hold

if your fear takes control
your peace and comfort stole
turn to Him to calm your soul

if you do not wish to roam
and you are looking to atone
in His arms you’ll find your home

if you have no breathing space
or there is something you can’t face
as long as you run to His embrace

if all you feel is brokenness
and you’re filled with loneliness
He will hold you with holiness
May 2018 · 115
Every Seat at the Table
Jean May 2018
Is talking a normal thing
families do at meals?
Is there something more to bring
Other than knives and forks and silence?
And does that silence often reveal
Something along the lines of defiance?

As we clear our plate
We talk of null
Only what we must restate
And once we sit a quiet fills
every seat of the table
No words left and so silence overfills

We sit and eat
Yet silence always feels like a threat
I must wave defeat
With a white flag of surrender
But can one do as much to forget
To not cry or even faltar?

Because when you dare
to speak aloud
to let words grace the air
You are only met with the feeling
That your words are not to be avowed
They are only meant for nothing
May 2018 · 146
Photographs
Jean May 2018
I remember the photos we look at when someone has died
A mix of smiles and laughter and tears and memories
Flood back to me
A mix of smiles and laughter and tears and memories
That never belonged to me
Yet still
I have them
May 2018 · 39
Truth
Jean May 2018
My truth stretched into seconds
And then into minutes
Which seems to be taking hours

yet,
     nothing has been said
               and I’m not sure if
                                              I ever will

Is not telling my truth just as bad as lying?
Is it?
May 2018 · 220
Air
Jean May 2018
Air
And I take the leap:
        This is what flying feels like
One voice says to me
         This is what falling is
Another voice says

          And I sometimes
                              wonder
                                          which voice I should listen to
          Those are the days
                               I wonder
                                           what flying feels like

           I wonder
                      if I could feel the air in my face
                                                            ­             in my hair
                        spreading my lips into a smile
           Or if all I could feel was an impact
                                       A shattering of bones
                                              A skip of the heartbeat
                                                                ­              and then

           no more....



                                  Was it even worth jumping in the first place then?

If my life last only mere seconds
                                    why even consider it?

                                                               ­   But I think has something to do                              
                                                                ­                        with the difference
                                               between  
                                    living
            ­                                and
                             ­                    barely
                                                        su­rviving
May 2018 · 87
Cursed Be The Dreamer
Jean May 2018
Cursed be the dreamer.
Cursed be the one who runs towards the open flame hoping they can dowse it.
Because that’s the thing.
Not all flames want to be quenched.
Some just want to burn.

And this is going to end in flames.
I feel it.
I feel it somewhere deep within my bones.
Our fate is embedded in the marrow.
I can’t change a single thing.
No matter how much I dream.
May 2018 · 114
Astronauts
Jean May 2018
Our foreheads touch
Two minds collide
And two crazy beatiful worlds combine
A mess and fray of our stars and galaxies
And our own constellations fall into place
A concoction that creates a whole new universe
That only we could explore together
May 2018 · 77
Handle With Care
Jean May 2018
i don’t like pity
it changes something in a person’s eyes
you know have a package label saying
“fragile: handle with care”
i don’t like pity
May 2018 · 47
At Least I Think.
Jean May 2018
At least I think.
I say, yet you don’t get it.
How do you erase what is in ink?
I say, yet you don’t understand.
The words I said.
I say, yet you don’t get it.
And the words I dread.
I say, yet you understand.
Will do more than suffice.
I say, yet you don’t get it.
And yet I must pay the price.
I say, yet you don’t understand.
May 2018 · 255
Sokoro and Nuru
Jean May 2018
Sokoro and Nuru: the unwanted twins
under the marula trees, the cub and the calf - they play
Sokoro - no claws; Nuru's not tall
and everyone can only seem to discuss their flaws
Together they escape; together they replace
the memories which they wish they could erase

Sokoro and Nuru: the unwanted twins
under the marula trees, the cub and the calf - they play
'Sokoro! Do not play with a giraffe! You are a lion!' a mother growls
'Nuru! Do not play with a lion! You are a giraffe!" a mother scowls
The two playmates dragged from each other
The two playmates wishing to fight their own mother
but Nuru's mother is too strong and Nuru is not tall
but Sokoro's mother is strong and Sokoro has no claws

Sokoro and Nuru: the unwanted twins
under the marula trees, the cub and the calf- they once used to be
Sokoro and Nuru: for how they have grown!
They have started to repeat what they have been shown
Sokoro with claws and Nuru with height
where they once used to play now they fight

Sokoro and Nuru: the unwanted twins
under the marula trees, the cub and the calf- they once used to be
Sokoro prowls and hides in the grasses
the lion waits for what does stand as is
Nuru- now tall- eats the leaves from the marula trees
nothing yet spotted to put it out of ease

Sokoro and Nuru: the unwanted twins
under the marula trees, the cub and the calf- they once used to be
Sokoro and Nuru, now predator and prey
under the marula trees, where they once used to play
they were once told: 'This is how it is meant to be'
and now neither of them will ever be free

Sokoro and Nuru: the unwanted twins
under the marula trees, where no one will ever win
This poem was inspired by the Kenyan wood carvings of a giraffe and lion that sit on my desk. I named the giraffe Nuru, which means 'light' in Swahili, and the lion Sokoro, a Kenyan name that means 'the lucky one'.
May 2018 · 48
Every Word I Ever Said-
Jean May 2018
What about the words I do not say?
Where do they endlessly play and play?
Floating somewhere in my head?
Showing up somewhere full of dread?
The trash is already full and-
My mind cannot take such a demand
So the only place I have is on the tip of my tongue
Yet am I really ready for what that has brung-?
a mountain in which hide caverns of regret-
an ocean with only waves made of sweat
So I just don’t say anything-
Let my words sit there in nothinh
But there they lie ready to fly
With two small lips that are easy to pry
On days I do find myself unprepared
I find was not meant to be said declared
And once my words have reached the air
I am met with only an awkward stare
I wait for the day that I can admit
That I meant it
Every word I ever said
Every last word
May 2018 · 228
Moonlight and Sun
Jean May 2018
a boy made of moonlight
a girl sinking in sun
the cosmos their hometown
the stars are their ghosts
running from what they have known

but when they meet
all the stars disappeared
only them in the cosmos
and nothing but themselves to fear
May 2018 · 52
That Song That We Sung
Jean May 2018
that song that we sung
that's not how it went
you sing the wrong notes
go high when you are meant to go low
sing at the wrong pace
and say all the wrong words
but you say that's how it's sung
just as another song has taken it’s place
and I am still in disbelief
that you could have forgot
that song that we sung
May 2018 · 92
All It Takes
Jean May 2018
all it takes
is one touch
from Him
and i am
okay

— The End —