i want to ask about
the letters i wrote to you
do you still keep them?
read them from time to time?

i asked you last July
you said you still had them
kept them through your
last girlfriend
because you promised me
that you would not just throw
them away

but im stuck wondering
how long did that promise last?
how long was it until nothing
we said mattered anymore?

"oh how beautiful
purple to pink"
everyone thinks
except me
because my favorite time
is right before dawn
the darkest time

i cried today because
i looked in the mirror
and didn't like what
was looking back at me

in your darkest times
you reach for the bottle
running from your problems
drinking the night away
along with those memories

but darling
just one drunk night
repeats after another
and you will fall into the habit
and lose yourself

im torn between
reliving the old crush
the wandering eyes
smart remarks
knowing you want me
and yet feeding into it

putting on the right jeans
walking in the room
knowing that you're alone
and you want all of me
it's innocent teasing

but this is old
i was merely five
the remarks began
buying my food
i was claimed by you
screamed you loved me
everyone knew

yet you never make a move
my sister catches your eyes
tight shirt with a small waist
your lustful eyes glimpse
i want you to touch me
and you're coming more strong
you've waiting eleven years
can you not take the teasing?

a year ago
i merely knew your name

a friend of friends
but nothing more

who would've thought that
you would pick me
and i would pick you

because please tell me how i am supposed to trust with all i've heard,
trust with the words you spoke of
turning bodies into jokes and filling my ears with words that have nothing more than an intention of being evil,
laughing and talking words of some of my own insecurities

please tell me how i am supposed to trust when all the men i have ever had to deal with have turned their backs,
physical abuse or emotional
smacking me in the face with their hand or their words,
regretting me and pushing me off,
acting as though i was nothing but an ugly girl or just a needy little fool begging for their love

change my mind and please prove to me that not all men with leave me crying a countless number of tears,
countless hours of me too hurt to get up and move from the spot they left me laying at,
reminiscing on the words they spoke to me;
their daughter or their ex

i am wounded by a number of men
and you scream to me to trust you,
you scream to me that you would never ever do anything to hurt me,
even when we part,
you want me to trust you
and i cannot find myself to it

because darling,
if you try to trust one after another
and they all seem to break it the same,
how can you find yourself to trust again?

We're on a
Merry-Go-Round
that never stops
going round

We're on a
Roller Coaster
that never stops
it's ups and downs

We're on a
Ferris Wheel
that never stops
spinning

We're on a
ride full of problems
that never
gets solved

how many people
can you really fall for
because in between a life full of
clutter and confusion
i somehow managed for fall for
a girl and a boy

I tried,
I tried so hard.
Thumbs hovering over the unwritten words,
I tried so hard to resist texting you.
I tried so hard to not be the first one,
To not be the one giving all the effort.

Day One,
Friends don't have to text everyday.

Day Two,
Self esteem goes down,
You're let down.

Suddenly it's Day Four,
You keep on a painted smile.
You act like you're fine.
You actually think you may get through this.

Day Seven,
The day everything sets in.
You didn't pass the test,
You couldn't.
You broke down.
You relapsed.

It's when Day Seven comes around that you realize you weren't,
Happy enough,
Strong enough,
Funny enough,
Cute enough,

Good enough.

So you sit there,
Under running water,
You wish you could drown.
You silently cry,
Hoping no one will hear your escaping sobs.

It's Day Seven when you realize,
They're fine without you.

It's Day Seven when you realize,
You can't be fixed.

you are
the words
that flow from my mind

you are
the shine
that fills in my eyes

you are
the inspiration of all i do
and i really think
i love you

this world can be so cold
ugly and mean for a girl like you
your fresh eyes don't see what
all they've expected as a young girl

but think about the sun that shone
down on you in the morning
think about the boy you have laying
next to you as happy as can be

think your way to a happy world
you're a fresh girl with a fresh mind
a girl who's time is not too late to be
happy

over the years
ive learned that promises arent forever
not everyone can be saved
and sometimes broken people are better alone

ive witnessed a girl push everyone away
trying to save herself
she poured her heart out on paper
finding company with ink and paper

I never really knew what pain was like until I woke up mid-sleep and had a longing feeling for you, or when I have a dream about you and I wake up to see you're not there. I never really knew what it was like to miss someone until our fingertips stopped finding each other's warmth and our bodies didn't connect or fall together anymore. And I didn't know what it was like to love or be loved, until your eyes searched for mine in a crowded room or our thoughts connected by the way our eyes met.

I should've* put on a fake smile.
I should've pushed through it all.
I should've acted happy.

Maybe then, I wouldn't have lost you.
Maybe then, I wouldn't have drowned myself in alcohol that night.
Maybe then, I wouldn't be dead inside.

I recall once upon a time, when you held me, you said you loved me.
I remember sharing laughs and smiles, making memories.
Now, you're making new memories, sharing love.
Not even eleven days later.

Maybe, you didn't love me.
And maybe, I was just an object that had no meaning, just a title.

the second time this week
and i crave you more now
burn my throat and make
me dizzy, i love it

she is counting on you to
turn her cold body warm
take the hair from her face
as she throws up blood
from not eating, just drinking

she is counting on you to
bring the happiness back
make her feel loved
to pull her out of the hole

she is finding herself in you
begging you to pull her out
bring the sunlight and laughter
help her out of this depression

hands shaking
and lips trembling
i crave your hips on mine
push into me
and satisfy my lust
your wet lips meet my body
leaving marks
purple and blue
you don't hesitate to claim me yours

my turn too satisfy
my warm tongue meets your neck
leave little trails down your chest
to your hips
all the way down
i will start from bottom to top
form my mouth around you
spread my warmth to your body
won't stop till we're both shaking

push me down and take charge
pin me against the wall
come into me and press against me
hard
lay me on the bed
lick me
move your tongue fast
allow my nails to scratch your back
dig into you
my moans encourage you to go more
driving me insane
making me shake uncontrollably

i pull you up hard
and take all of you in me
matching your thrusts
going as fast as we can
as hard as we can
thrusting our hips
drenched and heated
we melt into each other

numb
with no words
limp
with no emotion

"He kissed my lips
I taste your mouth
He pulled me in
I was disgusted with myself"

i had a dream about you last night
and i want to tear myself up
and bleed out