I hope that if you read this, you will understand fully the journey it took to get here.

i've heard every excuse, i've heard every justification. you have to understand, the worst part of it is the feeling that it is something about me that makes them do it.

i don't think you know how much it hurts, when you tease me about the mysterious stranger with whom you now share your bed. i know he is a stuffed animal, but until you stop teasing, until you stop toying, all i can feel is the ******* blood boil in my veins, and then the anger subside, and anguish churn my stomach.

everyone has their trouble, and i have mine. the trouble with me, is that i trust you with my life, and at the same time, i have learned from experience that i will always be betrayed. it's not me, it's her. i just wasn't there enough. i just didn't care enough.

i've always known that every excuse given was false, the truth is that i cannot provide anything but love and happiness. i cannot guarantee wealth, nor riches. and in a world where dreams die young at the hands of reality, i have no future. there is no world for me, only the corpses of my dreams, smiling cadavers, waltzing to their demise. this is a weary world for the honest and good.

i want you to read this, and at the same time i don't. but most of all i would just like you to know that i love you unconditionally. i would like you to know that i trust you. and i would like you to know that the sick feeling i get in my guts when you're not here, is not mistrust, just bad experience telling me that

things don't seem to change.

i've been through so much ****, i was broken until i met you,
but you'll always be the one i think of when i wake, my soul mate.

What's to become of us
when all that we've coveted
is emptied of all value

What's to become of us
when the words we traded
seem to have lost their meaning

What's to become of us
when common ideals
turn to conflict

What's to become of us
when all that has been invested
gets swallowed by doubt and mistrust

What's to become of us
when we stand so close
yet between our hearts lies a lie

There was a child went forth every day,
And everything she heard or saw, whether it was perceived with love, dread, hatred, pity…became a part of her
And it may have faded away in moments, or lingered with the day …or remained for years on end, caught in the web of her mind.
The voices became a part of her
And the broken glass and the splintered wood and the tear streaked faces and more than anything else the shouts
The sharp words and the words that weren’t words but blows and the words that turned to shrieks and the words she blocked with her hands and the slamming of the door… and the words she wrote in her journals… and the sobs coming through the crack in the door…. And the desperate cries for help she stifled with her narrow white teeth… were all a part of her.
And so were the laughter and the marker scribbles and the days at the flea market and the dinners in the living room
And so were the picnics in the yard and the games of t-ball, all those were part of her too, but there seemed much less of that.
And her friends began to dwindle one by one, as she grew older
And as she grew older it all grew worse, former friends gave pointed stares and words that stung like poison darts
And everything was closing in, the house, the town, her own emotions
The shouting was worse, the glass wasn’t broken but instead held poison that made the house stink… the stench of sterility and morgues and slow but ceaseless destruction
Her own father slowly filled her soul with a treacherous ocean of words and tears and memories and mistrust, he let her down again and again and again, he watched her fading and helped her along… whether he knew it or not
The man was still breathing, still had a beating heart, but the father was long dead, shredded to bits by his own words and the broken glass and the splintered wood and bottles of poison
The girl was fading swiftly, blocking off her door with silence and books to hide behind
They never questioned the self inflicted bruises since she was clumsy anyway….the dark circles beneath the hollow eyes were never commented upon, the silent tears were never seen… hidden behind glasses and too much hair
She was silent always, not agreeing nor disagreeing, simply hiding.
If she was quiet no one noticed, he didn’t notice, and if he didn’t notice, the words couldn’t hurt
But she wanted to cry out, scream, fight, her head was shouting that this wasn’t right, aren’t fathers supposed to love their daughters not make them bruise their arms and hate themselves? But her heart slammed no no no he can never know how scared we are.
So she bit her lips because bleeding was better than crying and no one noticed the swelling and everyone told her how happy and perfect she was… she faked a smile and bit her lips again
And every night she went home to slamming and shouting and words that bruised like punches
Fat, ****, stupid, useless, worthless, no better than me… the shadows of insults floated behind her eyes, under her skin, manifesting in tears and dark circles and scratches and bruises
She fought and she fought as he tore her apart and every night she stitched herself together
Washed her wounds with her tears and tried her best to sleep.
The shouts and poison were gone when the father left
Leaving the daughter bruised and bleeding and broken and hurting where no one could see
But she stitched herself together
The wounds have time to heal now.
The friends she made would give her new words, the drawings would let her take out her pain and her anger on something other than her skin, the words she wrote were the shouts she never allowed herself
The insults are still there, she has not forgiven the father but without him she would have no pain to pour onto pages like blood from a wound that has yet to scab over and scar, but now there is the laughter and the hands to hold and the new words that remind her of the new memories of grass and sky and smiles and effervescent voices
These are a part of her now too, and they are the things that have kept her going,
And they are the things that will keep her going and going, into a future he claimed she’d never have.

I wanted to write a poem about peace
but I was too angry
I wanted to write a poem about love
but my passion was elsewhere
I wanted to write a poem about freedom
but there was nothing to stop me
Just as there is nothing to stop you
But you wont
You would rather write about hate
About how people shouldn't be allowed to say that because its not nice and its not respectful and it offends you
But you don't say "they"
because you don't know who they are
You don't say their names
because you can't be bothered to find out
You identify them by their religion
because of the clothes they wear
You identify them by their race
because of the colour of their skin
You took a handful of people and used them to taint almost a quarter of the worlds population.
Congratulations.
And now your words are circling the globe, spreading hate and intolerance while at the same time spreading their message, and so it begins.
The spiral of hatred and terror and fear and mistrust that ends with some young Arab kid kicked to death on the streets of London "cos he looks like a Muslim". The same spiral of hatred and terror and fear and mistrust that ends with a young Muslim walking into a market in Baghdad and killing hundreds as he martyrs himself to defend his home against the invading infidels.
And the only thing that's changed is the body count
The only thing that's changed is the number of mothers and fathers and brothers and sisters and sons and daughters who will have one more reason to cry on this day and mourn their dead while others protest the loss of theirs.
And so it goes on.

If only it had been my words that had circled the earth first and not yours, we may have learned something actually worth learning.

If you really want to stop the killing and the dying and the mourning and the protests that offend you so much, copy and paste THIS and show the world there are still those that can think for themselves, that there is still hope.

My heart and soul can never be sold
I've given them freely to those ones that are willing to embrace . I know now  it's a mistake. Because all they do is intend brake it . I deserve more For heaven sack. My loyalty is just all I do is trust and that's my big mistake and I have to live with the fate of my mistake and ends up that I mistrust .

Before the sun peaks through the sky
Lighting all the things I wish to hide
Before the early birds rise
There is a tranquility
The silence is eerie
Calmness settles over me
I find peace and acceptance
Within my incongruity

The uproar in my mind
Is temporary replaced with feelings so sublime
I feel my body glide
Levitate to meet the sunrise
I have no need for explanations
or external reassurance
When kindness lies within my own eyes

Walking down the dirt roads of this ghost town
I think of the rarity of this complacency
My eyes are no longer crusted shut
I feel no need to reflect or recollect
I merely observe the beauty
Enjoy the present unfold before me
And wish for the apocalypse to come
To make this absence of human activity a permanent reality

I cherish the foiling of connectedness and singularity
Alone but always together
The wildlife waking in the cheatgrass
soothes me into serenity
reassuring me that the sounds of consciousness
will not affect this new-found levity
I come to accept the ticking of time
And I radiate optimism and readiness for the day

I wait for the bus with patience in place of anticipation
I love driving through town
relying on others to get around
As long as I am not the one in control
I am comfortable being lost and directionless
I enjoy the distraction of the passing landscape
It seems too immense to be
a manifestation of my imagination
The way it removes me from my sad body
Into something much more than me
The beauty of the world is limitless
It envelopes me
Sending me to equivocal destinations

I feel this weightlessness become a headache
And soon I come back into my body
And into the thoughts and obligations I try to avoid
Fearing that this moment of happiness
Is slipping from my reality
I try to find some peace of mind
but I have no motivation to fight for an illusion
I return to my old darkness
Avoiding the light and the images it shows

With no basis for its existence
I begin to see all displays of optimism
as noxious naivety
promising but never quite what it seems
when it comes to me
It's always superfical and fleeting
Like the affection of my mistress
It is devoid of any true meaning

She looks upon his lips, and they are pale;
She takes him by the hand, and that is cold;
She whispers in his ears a heavy tale,
As if they heard the woeful words she told;
She lifts the coffer-lids that close his eyes,
Where lo, two lamps burnt out in darkness lies:

Two glasses where herself herself beheld
A thousand times, and now no more reflect;
Their virtue lost wherein they late excelled,
And every beauty robbed of his effect.
“Wonder of time,” quoth she “this is my spite,
That thou being dead, the day should yet be light.

“Since thou art dead, lo, here I prophesy
Sorrow on love hereafter shall attend.
It shall be waited on with jealousy,
Find sweet beginning but unsavoury end;
Ne’er settled equally, but high or low,
That all love’s pleasure shall not match his woe.

“It shall be fickle, false, and full of fraud;
Bud and be blasted in a breathing while,
The bottom poison, and the top o’erstrawed
With sweets that shall the truest sight beguile.
The strongest body shall it make most weak;
Strike the wise dumb, and teach the fool to speak.

“It shall be sparing, and too full of riot,
Teaching decrepit age to tread the measures.
The staring ruffian shall it keep in quiet;
Pluck down the rich, enrich the poor with treasures.
It shall be raging mad, and silly-mild,
Make the young old, the old become a child.

“It shall suspect where is no cause of fear;
It shall not fear where it should most mistrust.
It shall be merciful, and too severe,
And most deceiving when it seems most just.
Perverse it shall be where it shows most toward,
Put fear to valour, courage to the coward.

“It shall be cause of war and dire events,
And set dissension ‘twixt the son and sire;
Subject and servile to all discontents,
As dry combustious matter is to fire.
Sith in his prime death doth my love destroy,
They that love best their loves shall not enjoy.”

By this, the boy that by her side lay killed
Was melted like a vapour from her sight,
And in his blood that on the ground lay spilled
A purple flower sprung up, chequered with white,
Resembling well his pale cheeks, and the blood
Which in round drops upon their whiteness stood.

She bows her head the new-sprung flower to smell,
Comparing it to her Adonis’ breath;
And says within her ***** it shall dwell,
Since he himself is reft from her by death.
She crops the stalk, and in the breach appears
Green-dropping sap, which she compares to tears.

“Poor flower,” quoth she “this was thy father’s guise,
—Sweet issue of a more sweet-smelling sire—
For every little grief to wet his eyes.
To grow unto himself was his desire,
And so ’tis thine; but know, it is as good
To wither in my breast as in his blood.

“Here was thy father’s bed, here in my breast;
Thou art the next of blood, and ’tis thy right.
Lo, in this hollow cradle take thy rest;
My throbbing heart shall rock thee day and night.
There shall not be one minute in an hour
Wherein I will not kiss my sweet love’s flower.”

Thus weary of the world, away she hies,
And yokes her silver doves, by whose swift aid
Their mistress, mounted, through the empty skies
In her light chariot quickly is conveyed,
Holding their course to Paphos, where their queen
Means to immure herself, and not be seen.

William Shakespeare

Our eyes meet unexpected. In confusion and mistrust you look away. As your eyes turn back down you hit your hand in your papers. A sigh of irritation finds it way out of your mouth. I've got nothing left to say, so I turn around and leave. That moment is where I realize that everything is said and done.

For what would be a change of pace,
Check out this unusual place:
Persecuted groups came to create
A place where they could discriminate.
1840s gold rush dreams
Preceded years of get-rich schemes.
Nutty religious cults explore
End-time prophecies galore.
Believe whatever if that's your conviction,
Even if your "facts" are fiction.
You can construct your own reality;
"Whatever goes" is gaining vitality.
Anti-intellectualism
Accompanies attacks on secularism.
Fewer people think it's not odd
For leaders to wait for messages from God.
Satan's causing natural disasters,
For he's out to get us, according to some pastors.
Hustlers hustle the hustled, you see:
Religious theatricality.
Snake oil is sold for a quick fix;
Someone always has a bag of tricks.
Charismatic visionaries
Hope their income never varies.
Though P.T. Barnum is gone, we can say
That humbuggery is here to stay.
Homeopathic cures are widespread.
Devious mediums talk to the dead.
Scare tactics of foreign "invasions"
Keep popping up on numerous occasions.
Some have rewritten the history of the South.
Fake news spread by cyber "word of mouth."
Commingling entertainment and news--
Called "infotainment"--can spread one's views.
Acting out your fantasy makes you feel
That fantasy--NOT reality--is real.
People are duped by made-up scares.
The "National Enquirer" peddles its wares.
Cosmetic surgery transforms features.
People are abducted by strange space creatures.
The fantasy industry proliferates:
Fox News infects all fifty states.
Prosperity-gospel preachers are abounding,
Hoping their spiritual interest is compounding.
The war on the devil is not metaphorical,
For scripture, some say, can't be allegorical.
There are always the paranoid ones
Who fear the confiscation of guns.
Groups attempt to change the rules
So creationism can be taught in the schools.
Anti-establishment's becoming the norm;
Mistrust of experts is taking greater form.
Lies don't matter as long as you
FEEL that what someone says is true.
Some fear "invaders" crossing the border;
Others fear a scary New World Order.
Distrust places the media on trial
And fosters climate change denial.
Some say vaccines do great harm
And GMO foods are cause for alarm.
They say gun laws will only provide
Guns to "bad guys" with something to hide;
That regulations on any level
Of finances are the work of the devil.
A con-man leader will always keep spinning
The fantasy that with him we'll be winning.
That fake news is harmful and only distracts
People entitled to making up facts.
Voter fraud's still the talk of the Right;
Conspiracy theories keep coming to light.
Con artists boldly state:
Conversion therapy makes you straight.
If an alternate universe is in demand,
Then WELCOME, ALL, TO FANTASYLAND!

-by Bob B (11-12-18)

°Inspired by Kurt Andersen's "Fantasyland: How America
Went Haywire"

When I was 6, I never doubted that everything would turn out okay. Bad things happened to bad people and that was the only logic my brain could fathom.
When I turned 7, my mother mistakenly punished me for something my brother did.
I guess it started there.

I am quiet, I am serene, I am wind and fire, I am, a queen. I am breathe and voice, I am heart and beat, I am sounds you cradle, I am the sole of your feet. I am carrier and word, I am thought and mistrust, I am heat and ice, I am *** and lust. I am fallen and hit, I am, sleep, I am dominant and stubborn, I am crushed and defeat. I am bells that toll, I am a philistine, I am hushed and centred, I am thou and thine. I am pulled, I am broken, and torn, I am consciousness and lost, I am reborn. I am woman, I am words and tongue, I am here and present, I am bullet and gun. I am wolf and fierce, I am protector of all, I am belief and faith, I am short and tall. I am fever, I am skin, and bone, I am a hug at night, I am a place you call home. I am sleep, I am dream, I am sufficient and loud, I am sewn and seam. I am lover and beauty, I am incredible and bereft, I am walk and talk, I am dumb and deaf. I am depth and substance, I am creator of life, I am misdeeds, I am trouble and strife. I am siren, I am power, I am forbidden fruit, I am the choir. I am fear, I am fright, I am creep and gentle, I am sense of right. I am tree, I am creature, I am autumn leaves, I am life's student and teacher. I am stop and halt, I am impe-tuous, I am starving, I am ra-venous. I am pelt, I am growl and claw, I am raven and rook, I am hammer and saw. I am flight, I am graceless, I am mercy, I am faceless. I am duty, I am bound, and enslaved, I am soar and breeze, I am story and fade. I am *******, I am almighty power, I am she, I am the tick, tock, tick, in your hour. I am beseeched, I am judged and shunned, I am a rough ****, I am powder in your gun. I am movement, I am forward, and pause, I am magic and mystic, I am the air in applause. I am brake light, I am crash and burn, I am wanton and demanding, I am 'when will you ever learn?', I am ex, I am honesty, and offence, I am lying naked and marked, I am dreaded intense. I am baker, I am cook, I am carer, I am all you took. I am forest, I am howl, and fang, I am bracken and bush, I am sung and sang. I am heave and sigh, I am a look of disgrace, I am tortured thought, I am disappointed face. I am halo, I am the barren chest, I am fortitude, I am armour and breast.  I am hot, I am spice, and flavour, I am between and in, I am reverence and saviour. I am bold red, I am bright and hue, I am sought and hidden, I am me, not you. I am the edge of forever, I am precipice and knife, I am forged steel, I am husband and wife. I am hedonism, I am beautifully free, I am arms wide open, I am everything of me. I am thought, I am prayer, I am darling, my darling, I am awake and aware. I am the trigger, I am a white flag of peace, I am the mother, I am desist and decease. I am climbing up higher, I am builder of bridges wide, I am swung high and low, I am by your side. I am cut grass, I am burnt toast, I am broken crystal glass, I am what you love to hate the most. I am a lady, I am a lover in the day and the night, I am restart, renew, I am a flame burning bright. I am gay and straight,  I am dual and nigh, I am man-lover undercovers, I am the apple of my eye. I am au-revoir in the morning, I am the last goodbye, I am something untold, I am the last time I cry. I am ******, I am drugged and tired, I am pain, I am high, and wired. I am level, I am calm and content, I am wink and thumb, I am the mortgage and the rent. I am fumble and tumble, I am drop and slip, I am smash and grab, I am slide and trip. I am laughter wide open, I am smile and teeth, I am depression and loss, I am the widow in grief. I am inner child, I am hurt and abused, I am friend and lover, I am wasted and used. I am survivor, I am strong in spirit and mind, I am a force to be reckoned with, I am resiliently kind. I am nature and nurture, I am tribe and race, I am society and people, I am colour and taste. I am within, I am without, I am shadow and hand, I am thought and doubt.
I am but, me. I am not.

Treading carefully
Moving with caution and unfamiliarity
Yet moving so in sync
The dance of mistrust.

"O Lord, how canst Thou say Thou lovest me?
  Me whom thou settest in a barren land,
  Hungry and thirsty on the burning sand,
Hungry and thirsty where no waters be
Nor shadows of date-bearing tree:--
O Lord, how canst Thou say Thou lovest me?"

"I came from Edom by as parched a track,
  As rough a track beneath My bleeding feet.
  I came from Edom seeking thee, and sweet
I counted bitterness; I turned not back
But counted life as death, and trod
The winepress all alone: and I am God."

"Yet, Lord, how canst Thou say Thou lovest me?
  For Thou art strong to comfort: and could I
  But comfort one I love, who, like to die,
Lifts feeble hands and eyes that fail to see
In one last prayer for comfort--nay,
I could not stand aside or turn away."

"Alas! thou knowest that for thee I died
  For thee I thirsted with the dying thirst;
  I, Blessed, for thy sake was counted cursed,
In sight of men and angels crucified:
All this and more I bore to prove
My love, and wilt thou yet mistrust My love?"

"Lord, I am fain to think Thou lovest me,
  For Thou art all in all and I am Thine;
  And lo! Thy love is better than new wine,
And I am sick of love in loving Thee.
But dost Thou love me? speak and save,
For jealousy is cruel as the grave."

"Nay, if thy love is not an empty breath
  My love is as thine own--deep answers deep.
  Peace, peace: I give to my beloved sleep,
Not death but sleep, for love is strong as death:
Take patience; sweet thy sleep shall be,
Yea, thou shalt wake in Paradise with Me."

It really doesn't matter
what she says,
most of it is *******
anyways.
She learned it
early on,
when she vowed
never to trust again.
And in that process,
creating broken hearts
became a habit
she thrived on.
She will never change
& they will never be the same.

Farewell, false love, the oracle of lies,
A mortal foe and enemy to rest,
An envious boy, from whom all cares arise,
A ******* vile, a beast with rage possessed,
A way of error, a temple full of treason,
In all effects contrary unto reason.

A poisoned serpent covered all with flowers,
Mother of sighs, and murderer of repose,
A sea of sorrows whence are drawn such showers
As moisture lend to every grief that grows;
A school of guile, a net of deep deceit,
A gilded hook that holds a poisoned bait.

A fortress foiled, which reason did defend,
A siren song, a fever of the mind,
A maze wherein affection finds no end,
A raging cloud that runs before the wind,
A substance like the shadow of the sun,
A goal of grief for which the wisest run.

A quenchless fire, a nurse of trembling fear,
A path that leads to peril and mishap,
A true retreat of sorrow and despair,
An idle boy that sleeps in pleasure’s lap,
A deep mistrust of that which certain seems,
A hope of that which reason doubtful deems.

Sith then thy trains my younger years betrayed,
And for my faith ingratitude I find;
And sith repentance hath my wrongs bewrayed,
Whose course was ever contrary to kind:
False love, desire, and beauty frail, adieu.
Dead is the root whence all these fancies grew.

Oh no, I didn'tstagram
Don't want to share my selfies
Don't want you to know what I ate last night
Or what I did on Roofies

I twitter at your followers
And no, I won't "Follow you back"
The only people I'll re-tweet, my dear
Have all the things you lack

Won't go in One Direction
So hate on me, make a fuss
Don't think they'll oust the Beatles
Just because Harry does

Oh, what's a SnapChat?
Don't think I have that
Oh wait a minute, I don't care
Cos that app's neither here nor there

Don't think I'll find an online mister
Or reply to a "How about we.."?
Yes, I'm cyber challenged
So said my little sister

Everyone's a super model
But I mistrust Facebook photos
You probably photo-shopped your flaws
Or whitened your teeth with risottos

#nofilter equals #somanyfilters
Enough with all the fake
Because in this unreal world
This is more than I can take

So, take a step back
Post a candid shot
Don't hang around for them likes
Show them what you've really got

Make it stop.

I'm really sick.
Like ***** is going to come out of my mouth--
an eruption of **** from my ears is due.
I've laid too long dormant
and one by one the hot spots of my petty jealousy,
     indignation, and
     mistrust are at boiling points:
The Ring of Fire, they call it.
Yellowstone
I'm the ******* Yellowstone caldera.
The great rim,
****** up and blister scarred,
knock-kneed from falling out of bed in nightmares,
weird from the predisposition to volcanic shittiness
      (not in a romantic way)
but none the less active,
         or reactive.

This vexation is as old as grinding plates.
This repulsion is as old as the poisoning of Aristotle

My head is the Spartan scythe
because I'm a new sign in an old world.
I use old signs to poison this newly dug well between us
But not well can I keep this message
        banner
        ******* billboard to myself.
So let me just wrap the code from ear to ear,
in plain text where you can see
the cypher: **** your red dress.

You see,
those blisters are the gravity between White Dwarves
pulling at skin, and earth, and ending thrown halfway across the universe.
I knew I'd seen you before,
there at the edge of the Oort Cloud
where we tell people we just met:
I stopped eating
I was hurt once
I was ugly too
and no one was really listening.
You and the rest of our red dresses meant too little.

But still then why do you whine over the hungry, and hurt, and ugly
and spit in my face for being there at the Edge,
and for loving the thrill in listlessness,
the passion in mundanity?
And that ******* about the shallowness of victims?

You didn’t learn a thing
traveling and trusting and falling out of beds.
Your drunken honesty is your sober lack of layers.
This isn’t a far reach of space,
your torn dress and cork heels won't work here.
Don’t bring that littleness here,
you're the only one not really listening now.

The Unicorn appeared from the Light
radiant, young and full of promise
her magical horn
shone bright in the sun,
mirrored the moon

She appeared from the light
to startled villagers
they could do naught but stare
enthralled by her magic and beauty

The village elder Elder reached out his Hand
overcome by joy, he couldn't resist
blinded by her exquisite beauty,
he couldn't help but reach to her
and reluctantly, the Unicorn moved forward
full of mistrust,
she took a chance...

But, unbeknownst to them
the Hunter was peering at her too –
through his rifle’s telescope!

The deafening boom
fell the Unicorn to the ground
and sent the villagers fleeing in panic

Into the Sacred circle
the Hunter stepped with muddy boots,
with his cruel Knife he cut her horn
then drank from her pure blood
as she lay on the ground
while her horn was a trophy
lost between a hundred others

The villagers tried with all their craft
to heal the Unicorn and restore her Life.
But her scars remained
her blood stayed cold
like marble, her heart hardened.

evermore the villagers lived
with the wounded Unicorn
who was filled with hate towards the Hunters
and ever she kicked
at the village Elder,
mistaking him as the Hunter

Yet, there is always Hope
while the Unicorn grazes
between the thorns and thistles
the Elder still prays and Hopes
that their magical Unicorn would be restored to them

why do we trap ourselves with walls of thought
that exist only in our heads, walls that restrict
what we can see and understand through our journeys
in life and love, good and evil, wonder and cynicism

What are we so afraid of in our existence that
barriers are created so strong built through belief
and ignorance, invented to keep so much from affecting
the way we think and act, as if the minute amount
we know is enough to live by without being
curious about this amazing universe we find ourselves
inhabiting, filling the area around us with out thoughts

How can we not be filled with an unquenchable thirst
to discover and understand all that is around us
surrounded in physical splendor and ethereal mystery
All things are there for our mind to intertwine with
to understand without deconstruction, to comprehend
without destruction to be a part of and with all
of life while being individually thinking, metaphysical exploration.

When will we allow our minds to expand beyond our
walls of mistrust and comfort to show our thoughts and
joys of living emotion to each other to let
the very essence of who we are to press against
each other in vulnerability and trust, to share without
expectation of return. Without empathy and understanding
our thoughts will remain only our own, locked
away and formless, unable to show the universe
the beauty of what we truly are.

Where will we be once we can share
with each other our thoughts mingling to be
able and ready to explore this fantastic existence
we will be human, at long last true to ourselves
and everyone else to realize the universe is a
thought in the mind of a child
and so are we.

Royal Blue;
A royal blue dream of you
Featuring: The Imperial Dream Machine
Providing more wishes and dreams then you ever did see
White plastic noise, broken toys
The choking sounds of time & rust
The changing tune of disease Mistrust
Imperial Dream Machine
Royal blue, these dreams of you
The space between these empty sheets;
Grey bars & white waste
No Dream Escape
The Imperial Dream Machine
Imperial Chills
The Imperial Chill Inside
Why ask Why?
No dream escape
Royal Pain
A blue, frozen, silent chase
Frozen steps, slow-motion-still
Leaves fall, faces turn
All roads lead to nowhere.
And Faces still.
No Dream Escape
It is an imperial dream quake
Dreams break
Golden seam rips apart
In the space between
A stillness newly awakens
A Forlorn Sorrow Cry
Why ask why?
Torture devices clamp in place
No Dream Escape
The Imperial Dream Machine
Provides more wishes and dreams
Than you ever did see.

No dreams escape.

A synthetic thunderstorm envelops me
and I forget where my life is.
I forget about you and your fluent tongue
of disinterest, puppetry, and misinformation.
I forget the speakers and soundscapes;
wires and ties and strings attached,
the way I struggle to sleep alone,
but cannot share my life with anyone.

I forget the next payday, the next lay;
the need to borrow words and feelings
just to make sense of my own.
Distraction and hunger for nicotine
become near-echoes of a past life-
an umbilical bond to old decades
of habit and mistrust for the sober mind.
I forget the ash and ends I have left behind.

The ocean is close but occupies no space,
only the airwaves with a rhythmic breath
to still my own, reducing my identity
to fractals of self-interest and oneness.
I forget who I am amongst the writing desk,
The Book Of Longing, the cooling tea;
the stagnant water. I forget flesh desire,
violent ***, and apologetic *******.

I forget, for once, the need to live,
amongst all of this living.

If there is distance, make allowance for it, and patiently support the reasons for its necessity, for fear always increases the space between two people. The tenuous connection of yesterday is infinitely more intimate than the angry silence of todays mistrust, and tomorrows loss. To begin anew is to mourn that which was, and relive its exquisite pain as eyes look to the unknown for the promise of consolation

O my sacred,
Shower me with your greatness.
Bring it up to my neck,
And drown me in the lake bed.

O how secret, and so delicate,
Fear in trust involved.
It's not a secret anyways,
If nothing's getting solved.

I love, I trust, I need you,
In fear I live all time.
My words in hope to mean them,
So that you'll say "You're mine"

O my sacred,
Take myself and make it yours.
This day is nothing to you,
Your love fills my empty lake bed.

A love, that's secrets tale,
One month, forever it lasted.
The tale of two, of many,
At each other, love was blasted.

No one way to say it right,
Four ways to say I Love You.
Just take me as I am,
And know that I'm thinking of you.

O my sacred,
Unto you I do trust.
No lake bed full of:

doubt, anger, mistrust, jealousy, regret, pain, hurt, love, hate, lust, health, disease, space, time, pity, indulgence, sorrow, mourning, evil, distress, affliction, trouble, breaks, insignificance, remorse, agony, peril, skeptics, insecurities, uncertainty, question, suspicion, difficulty, dilemma, depression, belief, worry, conviction, cruelty, discredit, hesitation, unhappiness, calamity, travesty, grief, hardship, loss, suffering, weeping, sadness, heartache, lament, excruciation, torture, soreness, discomfort, penalty, torment, torture, harm, malicion, malevolence, prejudice ,detriment, disservice, misfortune, abuse, effort, labor, endeavor, strength, power, energy, operation, mistreat, undermining, blemish, flaw, disservance, misery, injury, exertion, struggle, trial, madness, wrath, rampage, harassment, irritation, exasperation, rage, tantrum, infuriation, mischief, inequality, alienation, aggravation, annoyance, contagion, trauma, damage, insults, violation, wrong, flesh, or ****.

...ANYTHING between us,
Vanquished because I must!

The aftermath
heartening and disheartening
it is coming and yet to come
the life is changing and about to change
the mistrust is sown in
the paranoia has kicked in
what has become is the new norm
the health and wealth both targeted
the life before were golden years
and the sad news future unfolds
it is better to stay locked in
the outside view is foreign
and the level is increasing
difficulties arising
cyclone circling at coasts
everywhere I look is turning red
I just wish the roof holds up good
I fear what more is to come.

I will never regret holding your hand
How can I regret something I once wanted so bad
And if you think the broken memories and promises are collateral damage then you are wrong
I never asked you for love poems or songs
All I wanted was to hold your hand and when I did it felt like thousands of tiny sun splashes were dancing in my eyes my lips and oh my god my thighs
I will never regret because regret in this case is weak
It would defy and soil the what seemed like a bright future
Yes I do not regret but that does not mean the fights were something I looked forward to
The Godzilla like monster I turned into every time you would crawl under my skin because you knew oh you knew
You knew that I liked tea with milk and if you step on my foot I will have to step on yours
You knew too much and yet nothing at all because that’s what it was supposed to be
We would go on yelling sprees over specks of dust
But in everything we did there was a lingering presence of lust and with that always an element of mistrust
It would gnaw on my nerves and rip out cords of my patience
The necessity to repeat, repeat, repeat the conversations made them looooong and tedious
And somehow we didn’t notice how it became so serious
And when we became ignorant we started to fade
Slowly but surly we obeyed the laws of disappearing
One missed call, two unread text messages, three kisses from a stranger
And just like that you disappear.

Why do we often see ourselves as cracked mirrored monsters
and soul-less entities that are worth less than the next ?

How does this ring true to the infinite beauty that you know lies within your self.
In the form of cells and dna...in the form of your ethereal creation...in the hug you give some one...

It is not the mistrust of yourself that seeps into your pores but it is the mistrust of a world in which 'an honest lie' is called advertising and a commended joy.  

We have no morals , no code of conduct , we are free to chose yet condemned to no choice unless we ourselves decide that it is so.

For nothing is , until we deem it.

The sun is not a sun until i say so , at least not to me.
I am a universe unto myself and a god unto my own being,
i am creation's destruction.

Even if we don't always feel it , we always are it.

There is, a colder side to the summer but only so we know what cold is and what hot can be.
We are no more nor less than the ant, than the bumble bee.

Solitude is addicting
As my head grows restless
And my thoughts take over
Washing down like a waterfall
But at the bottom
There is no oasis
Just rapids

Madness is inviting
As my thoughts bounce around my head
Like a tennis ball at Wimbledon
Knocked back and forth, searching for a victor.
Like 100 tiny voices fighting to be heard in an endless echo
It's like fighting for calm
In the middle of an endless ocean,
Struggling in the midst and mist of a hurricane
I'm thrown from the sanctuary of my boat
And plunge into the murky waters of insecurity
Drowning in sorrow, mistrust and anxiety.
I sense a calm and open my eyes
Just to be hit with another wave and pulled back under
Deeper than before.