I always forget to remember lessons from the last failure, therefore I'm forever havin' to start all over, my own personal torcher chamber
It creates this culture of fear that I can't get over, the chip on my shoulder staked on the bolder that's already there
A taunting whisper on loop saying it'll never get better, cursed with bad days, one after another
Try to fudge the numbers, facts don't lie but memories blur, every passing day recollection gets harder
I had this thought in the shower, your heart beat is just a countdown to your last breath and death is just a new beginning to forever
Should I still follow my dreams if it's a recurring nightmare? Only the loser says the other didn't fight fare
Only the winner gets their name in the paper unless it's a smear campaign so staying out of the conversation is safer
Where's the line between assassination and ******? And what's the difference between an unwanted guest and intruder?
Does a lamb know about the slaughter? Does the hand know it can take a life without being given an order?
Which is shorter I wonder, the path to greatness or to a personality disorder, my dark passengers a backseat driver
So it's all in how you frame the picture, have a nice day sounds less threatening than enjoy your next 24
Who decides what will occur? How much more can I endure? Roll the dice and hope they don't shatter
Matter of fact I pray for just enough to make it to the next day not knowing there's no listener
God ain't there and if he is he doesn't care or doesn't know the answer either
Either that or he to has given up on this fallen soldier all together, abandoned by my supposed creator
I don't make an hourly wage, I sell chunks of my life for pennies on the dollar
Some one, somewhere is listening to the last song they'll ever hear
Could be me, right now, right here, no way to tell till after then it's to late to alter
Masking anxiety with witty banter, no alter ego just another dark passenger, this time he's riding shotgun like one in the chamber
One personality is hard enough to keep front and center, take one down but there's always another, I am just fodder
The split is wether to move forward or quit all together, don't know which is better
Tried divide and conquer, another failure, tried to find a new harbour but couldn't pull the anchor

Got control of my anger just to immediately lose the battle, instantly falling outta the saddle
I thought I wasn't supposed to get more than I could handle, I guess that's just another cryptic riddle
Starting to feel old testament biblical, the punishment for mistakes are astronomical no matter how miniscule
Almost feels personal, maybe I'm part of some sadistic ritual, forced to be a part of it, no consent, held against my will
Little did I know I could walk away and be okay still, no one told me the rules making every move futile
Trying a different approach, going vocal, begging for mercy in vain but hopeful
An ineffectual campaign, the struggle was always inevitable, my thoughts not believable
Not even a credible witness to my own life, how is this even possible?
Well, cranial damage is plausible due to hitting every obstacle head on, brain almost falling out of my skull
Life is the train light at the end of the tunnel while I'm mid tunnel on a stationary bicycle
Rock bottom was the pinnacle of my life, cynical doesn't even begin to describe what drives my mental
Keep it all in to avoid the hospital, trapped lightning in a bottle but couldn't get a grip on its broke handle
Already sold my soul, not to the devil but to the people and the return on my investment was far from equal
The colossal difference was they got the best of me and I was left an empty shell
Tried to fill it but it now looks like a landfill, a trash receptacle, the overflow of garbage unavoidable
Completely full of hurt and pain, I pray there's no sequel but I just saw the preview commercial so I guess it's ******* official
But even before dress rehearsal I took myself out of the circle knowing it wouldn't be merciful, devouring me whole
Besides, the demon inside stole the show and convinced me I was evil and deserve to not go any further than my current window
I accepted it cause it's all I know, brittle and fragile, will I made it to another day? Doubtful, the outcome predictable
If written out the how come would be longer than the bible so just take my word for it so you're not liable
Life itself is my rival, and now spiteful has replaced delightful and forced the downward spiral
The life or death questions I scream at the sky come nightfall are being treated as rhetorical
And there's no capable Oracle these days so I'm on my own to wrestle this powerful, never ending dose of trouble
Stepped out of my comfortable bubble once before and it was brutal
Promised myself never again but it's not that simple, every attempt pitiful

Wish me luck

©2022

I’m itchin for a tender
to serve me up a brew
with a couple wiley pals
it’ll surely be a few!

We’ll hoist a couple pinters
gobble up some wings
break the quips and banter
with a lyric that’ll sting!

fin

The successes of others who've long since forgotten me are overjoying
You were my dream, but I preferred my nightmares
The ability to remain scared of what's possible, yet you cared
You would coo in my ear as your fingers flowed through my hair
My lost ones are successes yet I'm trapped in the recesses
Of my memory soliloquies the harmonies of being tortured mentally
Constructs of what's dressed up as angels yet hell struck
You fled from the inferno to an apple of grandeur and banter and slander
If anyone were to stand tall through cancer it would be you, its truth
You're the beautiful black angel, from a black heaven, with red and black shoes
I only wish I could've bought them and put them on to you
Before that though I would soak a towel in soapy water to clean each foot
Then we could've had mixed little kids like we planned through our youth
Although you were older you treated me like a nurse treats a soldier
You catered to my whims even when the lights got dim
And through the thick of moans and groans your light always shined
You were home; a light house, a star which tore through the night sky
You were Michael Jackson's Thriller and you had no filter
You were Naomi Campbell even when life was in shambles
You were a beacon of hope I had so long searched for in dirt
You, firefly, were born not to cry or to be trampled by hurt
Yet you did as a result of me, sweet serenity, due to my lines traced with lies
I was your love, the heavens above, in human form, to adore
You were rich in soul and mind although I was poor
You would still give me passwords to your front door
Even if I wouldn't let you touch my cell phone
Funny how things have changed now that I've grown
After you found out I was in a tryst with another lover you suffered
You screamed and tears fell as you told me to…
“Go to Hell, how could you do all this **** to me Gabriel?!"
I have the name of an angel and a voice to lend charm
But I'm nothing but a hoofed devil walking slowly to cause harm
You were never armed our prepared for what was in my heart
The darkness was never going to let you become apart
I had a void that couldn't be filled with your love
Your tears grew heavier and landed to the ground as blood
I know you're better than Eve because you'll bite that apple and win
And I still think of you every time the light dims
Although I know you have a new him
One day I hope I get famous so you'll have to hear my hymns
To make you witness my lack of self-forgiveness
To, for the first time in my life, lend you full attention
This is what I say to justify my intentions, when in fact I'm being selfish
I'm selfish because I want you still
I want to feel your lips and give you the same love that you felt
To adore you and hold you the same way you held me and told me everything
On your mind at the time, I wish to rewind and give you my life
I had some semblance of unconscious hope when I reached out to you once more
Though last time we spoke you said “I don’t hate you,” still
You said “I want to forget you,” and my little light was killed
You'll never want to measure my soul’s difference and my heart’s repentance
You are a permanent tenant as part of my penance
I must sit here and bear witness to your happiness
Yet not be a part of it, I simply smile for the entirety of your being is wondrous
Tarnished are my veins for the liquid which flows through them
Beg ownership to a person destined to such consequence
I am the unspoken memory, the dusk on the horizon
I am the melancholy symphony, a misery cypher
You are the art piece which overshadows Mona Lisa,
You are flowery fields of grace; you are the colors in bloom
The shadows of the sun and the heartbeat of the moon.

Welcome each other
A passing, of conversation
Whispers into the ear of one,
to the next
Conversing back and forth as banter will do
Only until suddenly, The conversation stops
And only one is left
The whispers of the other are gone,
And the chatter has stopped
To all be left on the sole speaker,
The new season

Not an involuntary change,
But a gradual loosening and shift to
something different,
Something new

The days show no evidence
But the mornings and nights still show
Remembrances of what was before it.
Just as the summer seems to shutter
In the thought of winter,
Spring was there to fade it out
In the mornings and nights,
So summer only knows from the memory
That winter was so far from where it is now

Hope is spring,
We don't have to fall

The Seasons can change anyways

When it rains
I count the little droplets on the window
I avoid the cold black widow
As it hangs high at the ceiling
It gives me an odd feeling
A feeling that makes me wish
That even if I'm rich
Death would be my escape
From a world
Hollow and *****
From a vision
Of pure and total hate
Why do these people hate me
Why do they hurt and interrogate me
Asking unspoken questions
Looking for unknown answers
Invalidating my prestige
Through intolerably hateful banter
Yes
I see this
And feel the pulsing of my veins
Yes
I see this
Every time it rains