I am beautiful
I am any kind of beautiful I want to be
I am am every kind of beautiful
I am beautiful when I wake up
I am beautiful when I cry
I am beautiful when nobody is looking
And I am beautiful
In my own eyes
When I am alone
and in pain
I am beautiful
When I chainsmoke
instead of eat
I am beautiful
when I ****
I am beautiful
when I'm inebriated and asinine
and *****
and not
I am so beautiful
even when I harm my skin
because my beauty lies underneath the flesh and bones of
me

tell me you understand
pretend you can feel my pain
put yourself in my shoes
buy me food when I say I'm not even hungry
watch my face when I leave the bathroom
ask if I've eaten
care
at all

don't do any of these things
I'm giving that up for good

my chest
as I come down from the vivid high
and sink back into my concrete shoes
and forget the hunger I had for
life
and anything
even food, but now
I feel the pain
return
as I recall
getting into the car
the was no space, so she let me sit
on her lap
and she doesn't let anyone hug or
touch her
I invaded her space, for a time
then she was silently
alright with me.
But she mentioned I gained weight
and how much her legs hurt
15 pounds
i wanted to cry out
i never feel this way
but the drugs have worn off
my pains have returned
my aches, my deep wounds
emotion and memories
and the little ***** who lives in my left breast and steals my energy and
                                                        sanit­y
either way
that's all i remember
and I'm never going to eat again

I wake up and eat some eggs, a yogurt, and a few slices of melon
in an attempt to change my life
after all it is that or death
I won't hold my breath

It's a beautiful day to head to the mall
with a friend
I really know where this is going

Hmm
I like that shirt
Oops, this store doesn't offer plus size
On to the next..
I really like these jeans..
Forty five dollars for sizes sixteen and up
What a mess!

Since I refuse to let Lane Bryant **** my wallet in the ***
I decide to head to Barnes and Noble instead
I accidentally bumped into a lady and her baby stroller as I walked past and she mumbled
"Fat *****" under her breath
Yes that's what she said
I didn't even turn my head
Because that's what the lady said
and that's what society says
and instead of trying to explain it's just
easier to walk away
it's the self hatred after I dread

So I buy a whole pizza and eat the entire ******* thing
and it is beyond delicious
though the guilt I feel afterwards wasn't worth it
and vomitting that **** up was viscous

Even when I was a little girl I dreamed of being thin
I dreamed of being a model
I dreamed of having a flat tummy
Just to fit in
I didn't like the belly I had
or the fat in my cheeks
I was the only kid in gym that could never climb the rope
and that began a string of anxiety attacks
that would last for weeks

The doctor calls it insulin resistance
which leaves me with the inability to lose weight
but I shouldn't have to explain to anyone my condition
I just shouldn't have to explain
not to mention the ovarian disease that cripples me to my knees
which so happens to be genetic
and mimics the blood of a diabetic
leaving me incurable
a medical mystery
not to mention infertility
so for me
children are just a dream

Although I tell myself
that I am beautiful
and that I am intelligent
and that I am funny
and that I am a hard worker
and that I am successful
and that I am caring
and that I am loving
and that I am daring
and that I am the best **** friend a person could ever have
To a stranger I'm just a "fat *****"
and you know what?
That makes me really ******* sad

i always feel like i don't belong
even when i'm told i'm wrong
the people that call me dumb and fat
won't even stop to say hi and chat
they will never know about the real me
or wonder what i hear and see
you assume because i'm bigger than most
that i also don't have a brain to boast
that's because it's all locked inside
it's an amazing place with a lot to hide
in my head i can be anyone
and all i really want is to have some fun
to be skinny like you is my passion
but i don't want to be empty of compassion
when i look in the mirror you know what i see
i see an ugly person staring back at me
the misconceptions of people around
is what causes these thoughts abound
i started to believe your words long ago
even though my friends told me no
no one ever thought i was good looking and smart
there's so many people without a heart
sometimes i just want to curl up and die
even though i shouldn't believe your lies
what's your purpose for causing such pain
is there really something you look to gain
did you ever think to know the real me
or are you just afraid of who you'd see
someone who has thoughts and feelings, too
or a person as mean and hurtful as you
my true friends know my inner self
the ones who know i'll always help
i sit and listen when they need an ear
they are the ones that see me clear
why do you have to act so mean and hateful
weren't you taught how to be shameful
why can't you try to see the real me
instead of being the bully everyone sees