COVID-19
It has changed all the lives it hasn’t yet claimed
Too many deathbeds held souls in empty spaces  
Innocent, isolated individuals
With their visitors crying in the hospital parking lot instead of their hospital room
As if goodbye wasn't hard enough

It has changed the way we grow  
Children won't know how to share
Instead they will have “disinfect” ingrained in their young brains
Carrying hand sanitizer like a shield, a barrier against the germs
Taught to fear others as though they’ll **** us themselves

It has changed the way we consume
Online shopping to the point we don't remember what's in packages
Spending money we don't have
Sanitized carts and Purell at every entrance of the stores that have opened
Grocery shopping sparks anxiety like never before

It has changed the way we love
Zoom calls and FaceTimes are as connected as we can get
The inability to remember what it feels like to be in another's arms
We stand six feet apart, not knowing how to act
Trying to read the millions of emotions held within each others eyes

It has changed how we dress
Forgetting where you've placed your mask is just as bad as your keys
Face covers scream isolation
Smothering smiles, turning us all into faceless creatures
But somehow the mere thought of the pandemic feels more suffocating

It has changed the way we exist
Instilling a new fear into the next generation
A new urgency in the medical field
And overall, a new norm that makes unity unbelievably uncomfortable.

S.S.

i wonder
what it feels like
to eat
without feeling guilty
or spending hours online
looking at beautiful girls

i wonder
what it feels like
to breathe
without feeling heavy
or seeing flawed disaster
where a temple should stand

s.s

your arms
are the return address
for the broken heart
i created
because you are
the only place
i want to heal

s.s

i would cry myself to sleep
every night
and let you know
you are free to go
if it meant
you could finally
be happy

s.s

an amber bottle full of dark secrets and broken promises
we press our chapped lips against the rim
the burn of the *** is the only fire left in my stomach
the shake of your hands is what i  feel in my bones
mommy taught me how to make a cocktail
before she taught me how to love myself
and long story short  i can make mixed drinks in my sleep
but self care is blacking out in the backyards of strangers

s.s

when i lost myself
it truly hurt the most
because how do you heal
when you are the ghost

s.s

at some point in time
i thought losing
the one i called mine

was the most painful loss
i could endure
until i was laying
on my bedroom floor

shivering and numb
head twirling, screaming
like a broken album

it's at four in the morning
when i still haven't slept
with god knows what in my system
completely unkempt

that i could see now
losing myself
was far worse somehow

s.s

it's been almost three years
some nights i still cry to sleep
the way you hurt me never heals
i feel it surface and weep
my mind is covered
in scabs and scars
tonight i'm bleeding
and seeing stars

s.s

i lose myself
like a ship in a storm
but you're the lighthouse
bringing me home

s.s

i apologise
to every soul that has lingered with mine
i have a bad habit of disappearing

my head is a dark space my body is a scary place and that is the truth i face as i unravel into space full of dark matter with thoughts of i don't matter while the world is oppressing the bit of joy i call a blessing and i am afraid i will always feel alone and never again will i feel at home in someone's arms where there is no harm i am sorry to those i have touched you are dreadfully out of luck i can't break my habit of disappearing the darkness is always commandeering

s.s

i miss you
like i miss the stars
in sky above the mountains
when i wander into the city
these street lights
just don't compare
and i miss you
like i miss the river
gently rushing over skin
this empty shower
just doesn't compare
i miss you
like nature
after deforestation
to our love
it was breathtaking
and it's fall
haunting

s.s

i am not a helpless girl
drowning is a sea
of her own sadness
but i have been holding my breath
for too many years
my eyes sting
my ears are popping
my lungs are collapsing from the pressure

please
let me breath

s.s

i really love
the thought of being in love
but i don’t really love
when push comes to shove
you off the bridge
into reality
where we
were never meant to be
this love things an illusion
a man made fallacy

and your ring finger
only holds a shiny rock
because his promise of forever
is long gone
with his ****
down her throat
as she’s on her knees
choking back
secrets of her own
because little
does he know
her husband
is at home
all alone

and neighbor is laying
with a pretty boy
between her legs
that distracts
from the one
laying in her head
and they fall asleep
in a mess of a bed
to wake up
and pretend
to be in love instead
of facing
the loneliness and dread

so we get off
completely unaware
that love is a lie
to pretend we are fine
i would love
to be in love
if it was love
i could trust
but there in no love
in this world, only lust

s.s

i am from waiting rooms
from linoleum floors and iv cords
i am from sirens
(they scream in the front yard
as loud as my mother)
i am from my father's sickness
an eight year old adult
i learned to care for everyone
but myself

i am from mixed drinks and four counts
from nights as blurred as her vision
i am from all the words she won't remember
and the way they distort my self image
from too much responsibility
i am from the mothers day cards
my litte sister addresses to me

i am from my only Florida home
avocados and iced tea
from shared stories in the back yard
the boy i loved, who broke my heart

in my closet there was a cardboard box
filled with skeletons and secrets
a mix of different memories
to never forget what built me
i am from those moments
the calm, the chaos
the lovely life i lived

s.s

walking away from you
is the hardest thing i've ever had to do
but i need to fix myself
and i spend too much time fixing you

s.s

a sad soul whispers
i wish i never met you
to the demon in the empty room
and it replies
with a voice that flows thick and sweet
almost suffocating
but darling you created me
and it laughs as her tears hit the sheets
and it sounds just like him
you do this to yourself
she can smell his cologne on its breath as it leans closer
he doesn't care and neither do i, no one does
it blinks and it's eyes turn as blue as his
she tries to look away but it grabs her cheeks so she gets one last good look at what she tries to forget
it won't let her forget
he won't let her forget
then it dissipates into the lonely space
but the weight never leaves the air

s.s

a girl of honey and pills
the type to give you chills
energy drinks on a night with no plans
tripping on your own feet
bad singing in an empty house
warmth and cotton sheets
a messy one
a gentle one
a different girl
unlike anyone
quite chaos with shaky hands
tired eyes dripping gold
pretty words
pretty soul
tight hugs
proud smiles
the best girl you’ve met
in quite a while

s.s

a little liquid courage
and foreign places
i dabbled in the art
of being flirtatious
slip on my sun dress
and smile wide
friendly introductions
and darting eyes
this feels like a game
and i'm a tease
but at the end of the night
let's have fun, won't you please

s.s

when you accept
you were more in love
with the memories
than the man before you
and you stop
making excuses
for the way he destroyed you
your heart begins to heal

s.s

i am living three different lives and not one if them makes sense
filled with alcohol and raised voices
dark nights with questionable choices
i don't know who i am
i let others decide for me
all i know is i'm a mess
and these demons seem to adore me
i have some issues i can't sort out
problems nobody knows about
the skeletons in my closet
are clawing at the door
but there's already so much mess outside
how could there be more
i'm overwhelmed and tired
don't know where to go
i can't stand being vulnerable
but some wounds we have to show

s.s

numb and floating high
searching for another
these are my happy pills
my best and only lover

s.s

i understand, we are a dead end. we reached our final destination as strangers with complicated memories and there’s no turning around. there’s no way to walk backwards into the past or reverse time, but that doesn’t change the path we took. there are still all those memories behind us. every choice we made was another chapter in our story and those don’t disappear, so even though it is pointless would you stand at our end and admire them with me. although the film is over, stay and watch the credits. replay the good in your head like we were a fairytale and appreciate the bad for the lessons it brought. keep our story on the bookshelf of your memory but promise me you’ll pick it up and flip to your favorite pages at least once more. i understand, every good thing has it’s end, but please, for the sake of my sanity, let me know it was worth it. let me know you wouldn’t change our path even if you knew what was at the end. let me know i was worth it because love, you were worth everything.

s.s

i was told
to make my body
my home
so i painted
embarrassment
on the walls
and hung
hate
from the ceilings
i am uncomfortable
in this home
and the image i see
saddens me
because this home
is messy
and the other girls
are pristine

s.s

darling, you don't miss me
you miss the attention

s.s

you don’t hurt someone
you wish to keep in your life
you treat them with care
like a precious gem
because you know
their true worth

s.s

she sat in the sand watching the sun slip below the horizon and thought the words she couldn’t say to him

i wish it would have turned out differently. if i had a different home life or he didn’t think so much. maybe if we had less lonely souls or could turn back time we wouldn’t be where we are now. i wish it wouldn’t have ended the way it did. i never wanted it to end with the thoughts i give up i can’t do it anymore in my head, but now i have no idea what’s in his head and i would love nothing more than to understand his thoughts again. i can’t stand the confusion and mixed signals. i don’t know what i ever was to him, let alone what i am now. we are broken kids in different ways and all i know is that we melted together so well; he made me feel less broken. i just don’t understand why the universe would put two people together that can’t seem to be with each other because my god it’s so much harder to get over someone you’re still in love with, but i suppose that’s how life is huh, complicated.

s.s

maybe
one day
whether it’s tomorrow
or five years from now
we will find
the person
and it will work
in ways we didn’t think were possible
but all i know
is for now
in this moment
i wish it were you

s.s

i feel like sunshine
until the sun sets
then i feel everything
at once

s.s

lose sleep
for the people i love
but lay restless
with no one to speak with

s.s

relapse on the regular
prescriptions pass the time
too many thoughts crowd my head
can barely make this rhyme

searching through the dictionary
stored inside my brain
maybe if i put a bullet through it
the right words will pour out like rain

then i'll write my pretty poems
with the blood on the bed
to forget even prettier memories
stuck deep inside my head

then i'll laugh at my ceiling
let the blood trickle out
i am just hallucinating
there's no way to figure this out

s.s

your drunk words
got me buzzed
on old memories
and surpressed feelings
i was sober
until i heard your voice
now what am i supposed to do?

s.s

maybe we should keep our distance

hearing your laugh was hypnotic
and i forgot how it made me feel
i forgot how your voice sounded
how it eased my heart beat
but also got it racing
i forgot what you looked like when you laughed
how just seeing that made me happy
i forgot what is was like to hear about your problems
how just hearing you talk would rid me of some worried thoughts
i suppose i made myself forget about you
but hearing you say "i miss you"
brought tears to my eyes
because frankly
i miss you too
and i forgot how much i did
how much i still want to be with you
how much i still love you

but what i didn't forget
is i can't have you
you are far gone
unattainable
and of course
those were just your drunk thoughts
you are in love with her
i am just your friend
and we are over
i did not forget that
it just doesn't change how i miss you

s.s

i will stay single
until i find the one
whose company
feels comfortable
like i can speak my mind
and they will listen with eager ears
the one
who rather be in my heart
than my pants
the one
whose laugh
sounds like all my favorite songs
the one
who makes me believe in love again
who is all the good i had and more
i will stay single
until i cross paths with this person
because i will not waste
my golden heart
on someone
who only intends to break it

s.s

i am learning to love myself
like he never could
and darling
i can feel flowers
growing from my scars
reaching for the sunshine
of my new found smile

s.s

drugs don't take the pain away, sure,
but they make it more bearable

so when you're wide awake and you haven't fallen asleep
because your thoughts have gone too deep
you won't sit and weep
about life being so bleak
because the numbness will take over when your high is at its peak
and your questions will melt away
turning the whole world gray
you wish you would have stayed
you want the happy life that feels so unattainable
you want that perfect person who seems so unforgettable
but all you have is a drug
when all you need us a hug
but the high is what's getting you through
you feel like an addict and it's probably true
but you won't stop until your skin fades blue
because the world's a lonely place
so you fall into space
with whatever gets you highest to forget a lovers face
and an awful sad place
and sure, drugs don't rid you of the hurt
but they make some things feel a little less worse

s.s

hating you
hurts my heart
but loving you
obliterates it

s.s

he loved her when it was convenient
when substance soaked his system
emotions boiled over and he had no where to pour them
so he used her
like a therapist
and when the session was over
she never crossed his mind

s.s

i.
love bites as dark as the circles under my eyes like tags on my body mimicking name brands to fake worth that's not there

ii.
hello love to pretty strangers to have soft words fill the loud silence between empty bodies

iii.
flinching from bumping into someone in the store and shrinking away from a strangers smile because the feeling of being used echos beneath your skin

iv.
finding yourself comparing new people to the old and letting your heart break when they don't compare

v.
finding yourself glowing when the sun is high then finding yourself high and lonely with the stars

s.s

be with the one who sees constellations on your skin and treats you as the brightest star in the sky
be with the one whose arms feel like home and you’d run to drunk in a room of everyone you’ve ever loved
be with the one who is satisfied with just your company and needs nothing more from you but your presence
be with the one who does everything in their ability just to make you happy and doesn’t let you go to sleep sad
be with the one who distractedly traces your skin just to remind them that such a wonderful person is not a figment of their imagination
be with the person that restores your faith in true love and good people
be with that person because they are not common and never let them go

s.s

remember the boy at the window in the white button down?
and the girl grinning from inside?
remember the two of them sitting under the moon covered in bug spray and each others arms?
remember them talking about a future they claimed they wanted?
remember the look in their eyes when they saw each others faces?
remember how happy they seemed?

turns out, they're liars

that boy called her outside to taste her skin and kept her in his back pocket so on his bad nights he could take her out and pour himself into her to forget his problems. he did not love the girl, she was simply an addition to his body count.

that girl wrote ****** poetry and told everyone she was great to hide the fact that she wanted to scream and burn every reminder of that boy from her memory because she knew she was just an object. she told the stars she did not love him and her subconscious filled her dreams with his face.

they were filthy liars,
hooked on the idea of love


s.s

to the boy
who is learning
my favorite song
on piano
just to make
me smile
thank you
for reminding me
that some boys are sweet
like the melodies you play
and not all
are nails on chalkboard

s.s

let's have a meeting
on the bathroom floor
doesn't matter where
my place or yours
you can poor a drink
and i'll poor my eyes out
i'll tell you what i hate about you
until you just blackout
because you just drown problems
and i am one of them too
because you never cared about me
i was nothing to you
then when you're passed out
and my lungs ache from crying
i'll tell your unconscious self
you made me feel like dying
but then i'd brush your hair back
and drag you to bed
tuck you in to sleep
and kiss your forehead
i would tell you sweet dreams
and feel my chest burn
i hate you for lying
but it seems i never learn
i would care for you
on your death bed
because unlike you
i meant the love that i said

s.s

if you are happy
and living your best life
why
are you drowning your thoughts
in ***** every night
because, my love
you don't numb happiness
you numb pain

s.s

"i was done with her by then"

when i read that
i felt my ribs crack as my insides folded in on themselves
11:57
i can't fall asleep because those words are on repeat in my head
and i missed my 11:11 wish
but all i would have asked for is to have worth pumped into my veins to replace the empty feeling
i look at myself in the mirror over the flame of my lighter and almost understand why you did it
i am soft
the puffy skin around tired eyes welcoming like fresh soil
the curves and dips of my body
the waterfall of ***** blonde at my shoulders
the shaking lips that whispered i love you with such sincerity
everything about me is soft
especially my heart
so why wouldn't you use me
why wouldn't you lie
right into my eyes because you knew they believed every syllable
kissed my lips to feel alive because you knew every time they would melt
brushed my hair back and traced my body because you knew i was fragile and nothing would stop me from falling
i am soft and i trusted you
so why wouldn't you feed me the lies of what i crave
sprinkle i love yous down on my being
fool me into feeling special
it was easy for you wasn't it
it was fun to have me fall knowing you did not care one bit
knowing you were lying every time you said you did
you probably enjoyed watching me crash because it gave you power
and you knew i was nothing but something to cure your loneliness and get you off
but, my love
i will be so much more and you will regret making me your object
i am worth much more than that
i am sorry you could never see that

s.s

like the blunt
dangling from his lips
he lit me up
when he needed to numb the pain
and tossed me out
with the other roaches
when there was nothing left to take

s.s

i once knew a boy
who kissed me
because he needed to be kissed
not because he loved
the taste of my lips
or the laugh that escaped them
and he did not love me
for the person i was
he simply loved what i was to him
an outlet for his thoughts
he loved to use me
because i said the right words
and kissed the right places
but you see, that's all i was
a puzzle like himself
just a game to keep him busy

s.s

nothing hurts more
than the sweet lies
of fake romances
and the wasted time
of too many undeserved chances

s.s

he’s so much more than meets the eye
he’s the scars on his body and how he will tell you the story of where they came from a million times
he’s his clammy hands and the way he will hold yours against his chest and grin when you keep it there
he’s the way he brushes your hair behind your shoulder as you speak
he’s his contagious laugh and how his eyes squint at the corners or the dimples in his cheeks
he’s his tight hugs and on his really good days the way he picks you up in his grasp
he’s his adventurous nature and the way his company makes you feel alive and at home all at once
but he’s also the way he shuts you out when he hurts you because he can’t face the fact that he did
he’s he fits of jealousy and how ridiculously he can act
he’s his urge to numb himself and his hate for life because he thinks it’s so pointless
he’s his bad days where you sit on the phone reminding him that he’s worth more than he puts himself through
he’s his snap decisions where he doesn’t think of the consequences of anything he does
he’s all of this and more
he’s intelligent
kind
handsome
reckless
amusing
good hearted
passionate
he’s perfect in his own way and i was in love with him
my god, i was so in love with him
still am really
but i can’t be anymore
two years later and i have to let him go
because i still have the small hope that i might get him back
that it wasn’t all for nothing
we feel unfinished, but maybe that’s just how some things end
i know i would go back to him at the drop of a dime because he was my everything and i miss him so much my chest aches
but i suppose some people just weren’t meant to be
i never fell out of love, i just accepted he wasn’t in it anymore and let it go
so this is the last time i will write about him even though as i finish this there’s so much more i could say
we might have been a mess
complete chaos really
but he made me feel safe and loved and important
i would never be able to thank him for all he’s done for me and how he’s helped me grow
even with the **** he put me through i always forgave and defended him, or tried to, because that was my boy and i loved him
he’s the best first love i could have asked for
he’s one of my best friends
he’s one of the best people i know
and he’s going to do amazing things in life and grow to be an amazing man

"How do you fall out of love?
You don't talk with them, you'll fall into old habits. You go to the place you got together and fill it with new memories, so meeting them will be just another one in the past. You wash your sheets and clothing so nothing smells like them. You distract yourself so your brain eventually gets used to not thinking about them. You list everything that made them perfect and tell yourself these qualities can exist in anyone. You tell yourself that it means nothing when you hear their laugh again, everyone has one. Above all, you accept that none of this will work. You can't make yourself fall out of love, all you can really do is wait."

- Excerpt from a book I'll never write #623 (s.s)

you hit my phone up
"any chance you're awake"
during the late hours
in your intoxicated state

s.s