I don’t wanna be with anyone until they are able to make me feel the way you made me feel. I love jack as a human and I think he’s amazing and I so badly wish I could allow myself to be with him because he definitely does make me happy, but when I received that playlist from him without having to ask multiple times or even ask at all I felt nothing. I remember so clearly I got the link to the playlist you made me when I was going on cig walk and I opened it and immediately smiled and played it and I couldn’t wipe away that smile from my face, I was so happy, I don’t think I'd ever been happier I don’t think my smile went away for so long and I felt like jumping and dancing and wow I’ve just never felt that much happiness. Yeah, you make me sad, a lot, like the saddest I’ve ever been, the only person I’ve ever cried for but the amount you also made me happy just makes up for all of it. I love how you can make me so sad and so happy, and I love arguing with you because you’re the only person I can argue with without feeling like you’re going to leave me, I don’t ever want to stop talking to you and I don’t think I am emotionally capable of ever getting over you fully. Sure someday I’ll move on and I’ll be happy on my and maybe even find someone else that makes me that happy but I refuse to believe that one day I could just wake up and stop loving you. I love you so very unconditionally, I don’t expect anything back from you, and I don’t desire for us to have a relationship, I don’t expect you to be nice to me or love me back, I will just always love you. I am so scared that I’m never going to want anyone as much as I wanted you. Oh my goodness just seeing a picture of you or even staring at your blank Instagram profile made me so happy and I’m scared I’m not capable of feeling that for anyone else. I just thought and still do think everything about you is so beautiful from your eyes to your lips, YOUR TEETH, your smile, your laugh, your hands, your legs, the way you walk, OH MY GOODNESS I REALLY DID FALL IN LOVE WITH THE WAY YOU TALKED, and your voice is just so beautiful. I loved everything about you and you were all that was on my mind for so long, I wanted the whole world to see you the way I did and I tried so hard for that to happen. I love you so much. I’m afraid I’m never gonna wanna be with someone as much as I did you or kiss and touch anyone as much as I did with you. You just make me feel so much and I am so grateful for that. Of course, I would have loved for you to feel the same way as I did or at least half as much, and obviously, I am still heartbroken by you, we were so close, but I guess it just wasn’t enough, I am not what you want and I am okay with that, of course, I could never be angry at you for emotions you cannot control. Obviously, I wish you could and I’m sure you wish that as well. I think I forced myself to feel over you because I was so angry and I felt so numb but I am ready to accept that I’m probably never going to be fully over you even if I move on I will always love you. Wow, I wish we could’ve been together that would’ve been so nice, I love you so much. I hope that in the future we can think about this and I hope you loved me at least a little.

I can't stop thinking about all those times I said no
all those times I said I didn't want to when
when I pushed you off my body
"But why don't you want me to, you're so hot, I would want everyone to see my body if it looked like that," you said
as my eyes filled up with tears
I got up and left as I began to hear loud noises of objects being thrown to the floor as you screamed in anger
I was so scared
I waited at your porch in the freezing weather while the snow poured down, only wearing a long sleeve shirt knowing it would be hours until I was able to get picked up
thirty minutes later you came outside apologizing for your anger promising you just wanted me to be warm and safe and that you were done trying to use my body
I believed him and went back into his room
you turned on the tv and began to touch me again in all the same places
I looked at you with tears in my eyes and stayed silent while you did as you pleased

ive done everything i ever could to be easy to love
i let people walk all over me and stay silent when they hurt me
i let people say whatever they want and i brush it off
i let people use me and abuse me for their own pleasure
i let people do whatever made them happy even if i wouldn't feel the same

ive been putting every single person in my life above myself
only thinking about how they feel
just so id be easy to love
but every one still leaves me
why cant they stay
i do everything for them
why cant they do the same

you love me
you love me
you love me
you love me
you love me
you love me
you love me
you love me
you love me
you love me
you love me
you love me
you love me
you love me
you love me
you love me
you love me
you love me
you love me
you love me
you love me
you love me
you love me
you love me
you love me
you love me
you love me
you love me
you love me
you love me
you love me
you love me
i know you dont

as the music plays loudly in the room I had made into my home
I put my phone down and get out of bed
as my feet hit the cold, creeky winter floors
I begin to feel this rush of pure joy
the music makes me jump up and down, throwing my arms around wherever it feels right
I do not know how to dance but I listen to the way the music moves me
at this moment I do not think about the boy who doesn't love me or my mother who so desperately wants to leave this dreadful planet
No.
at this moment my head is empty, no thoughts that could bring me down
suddenly, the song ends
I stop dancing and crawl back into my bed
what a joyful moment that was

until that song plays once more...

she had so much love to give
he was not ready to be loved

i don't understand my love for you

sometimes i love you as a bee does honey
but other times i love you as if I am fire and you are a huge tide destined to put me out

sometimes my love for you is pure, all i wish for is you to be happy
and other times my love for you is full of hate and anger

sometimes i hate you more than i love you
and in a matter of seconds, I love you more than I've loved anything else

my love for you is chaos, toxic, and unfulfilling
our love is bound to end in bright red, orange, and blue flames that will consume every bit of us

but until the end, my love for you will burn

this hope for a happiness that would last more than a couple of hours fills my head
how amazing would that be
a happiness that wouldn't come crashing down as soon as my mania is over

I wonder if anyone could ever write about me the way I wrote about him.
if anyone could describe me using colours and smells
the way he reminded me of the colour green and smelt of fresh coffee on an early morning
I wonder if anyone could ever pay close attention to every little detail about me so they could later write it down
like how I wrote about every little freckle on his face, and how his hair fell perfectly above his beautiful brown eyes that glistened in the summer sun
could anyone write about me, creating a beautiful symphony of words?
is that so crazy to want?
someone to finally love me the way that I loved him, someone to finally see my soul instead of the shell that I live in
to be fascinated in figuring out how my brain works and what makes me who I am
I want someone to want to know every little detail about me like how I wanted to know him

I hate bpd with a passion
one moment I can't stop laughing
the next I am swimming in the overwhelming thoughts that fill my head
crying out an ocean full of fear and sadness
in a couple of minutes, I am back to normal

I hate that I have a favourite person
someone I base all my emotions upon
I am aware it is not fair for them
having to be there for me all the time
or else I crumble
I don't want to be dependent on one person
but how do I stop

when i'm around you i'm
louder
awkward
weird
i try to get your attention but you never notice me
but you never notice

when i'm around you
i feel invisible
i feel like i don't exist
like i'm no one
like i'm dead

I hate you
I hate that I love you
I hate that I would do anything for you
I hate that you don't care that I left you
I hate that you don't miss me as I miss you
I hate that you make me feel that I can never be loved
I hate that you have so much power over me
I hate that I'm the one who left you but I'm the one dying
I hate that you knew how much power you held over me
I hate that you don't want me
I hate that I love the way you make me feel even though you hate me

it's 5:30 in the morning
and no matter what show I put on
or what book I read
I can't keep my mind off you

why can't I stop loving you?
I hate the way you make me feel
the way you ignore me for days, weeks, months
I hate you so much
so then why can't I stop being in love with you

it's 5:30 in the morning
and I just keep thinking about you
the first time we met
you talked to me like we had known each other for years
you said you liked my doc martens
you said "I'm gonna be that cool friend who gives you a nickname"

I remember the first time you actually called me by my name
I was skipping class and I saw you and waved and you waved back
someone told you not to wave like that
and you said "but sankavi waved to me"
and then I said "aw you said my name" and you told me not to make it a big deal

I remember the first and only time we hugged
I was walking and I saw you and you just opened your arms
it was the most awkward hug because while it still means so much to me you probably don't even remember your friend asked if I was your girlfriend and I said "ew no" probably shouldn't have said that.
I got in trouble that day because I kept walking around during math with you and someone gave you a box of chocolate that you through on the ground and then picked up and I was stealing you pop from my math end-of-year party.

I remember the day I knew I loved you
we went to the school dance together. we were supposed to go with the guy you thought I liked it too but he didn't show up thankfully. the dance got boring so we left and sat in the park. you asked me "if you were to date anyone in the school who would it be" and I remember wanting to say you so badly but I just couldn't work up the nerve to do so.

it's 5:30 in the morning
and I'm here writing about you, crying about you, thinking about you
while you're sleeping

I hope one day I'll mean at least half as much as you mean to me
I love you but I really do hate you

10 months
its been 10 months
and after all this time I still cant get over you

finding people who don't care
men I cant trust

trying to feel anything
anything at all than the love I feel for you

I'm happy I love you
and I know you love me too
but I know you're not in love
I know you'll never love me more than I love you

I would do anything for you
I need you to know that
anything at all to make you happy
the happiest you could possibly be

I care about you so much that it hurts most of the time
all I want is for you to care about me

to think about me like I think about you
every second of everyday

I think I love you so much that I hate you
I hate everything about you but I love everything too
I just want you too stop existing so I could stop feeling this way
but then yet again you make me wanna live everyday

I just want to be friends with you without being in love with you
WHy is that so hard?

six months
i've spent 6 months hoping you'd love me at least have as much as I love you

six months
hoping one day you'd call me to say you've loved me all along and it just took you a while to realize I'm the one for you

six months
drowning in a cold lifeless ocean with you thinking of someone else on the warm sandy shore

six months
thinking about you every single day

six months
spent hating you yet loving you so **** much

six months
that I would never wanna take back for anything else, because I know it's gonna be worth it in the end

why do we deny the fact that everything we do is just for love

the universe created the most beautiful mystery when it created you

"what do you want your life to look like in the future?"
" i don't know, i honestly don't. i want love i know that. i want happiness. i want a family. i want a husband who loves me, someone who will stay in and drink tea while reading coffee, someone who will always love me and stay by my side no matter what. someone who will know all my crazy stories and know every bit of me, but still learn more about me every single day. i want a small, but loving family. two kids at most, preferably a boy and a girl but i could care less as long as they're happy and healthy. they'll each get their own room in my small wooden white house in a small suburban town. i will have 2 dogs, each born when my 2 children are so they will always have a best friend to grow up with. i  want my children to grow up with parents who show affection, to be a great model of what true love is. i want them to never be afraid to tell me anything. i want a home. i want a home that will be nothing like the one i grew up in."

if I was brave enough id tell you exactly how I feel
"Hey, I like you a lot, like a lot, a lot, maybe even love but I'm not quite sure yet. Don't ask me why because I'm not quite sure yet. Actually scratch that. I know exactly why. you make me feel all these emotions. happy, sad, angry, euphoric. all these feelings I've never felt before, you make me feel. every time I look at you I see and feel colours that don't even exist. seeing your smile makes me smile. the thought of losing you makes me tremble. your hugs send shivers down my spine. i know I barely know you and we haven't known each other but I really, really want you in my life for a long time. yeah, I like you a lot, I get it if you don't feel the same though."
and that is exactly what I'd tell him
I hope i do one day