i think i just wanted my innocence back.

i can't get my first kiss back.
i've been touched and approached and pursued in ways i didn't want.

i just wanted my first times to Anything to be special.
i wanted my first, real lover to stroke my cheek with their hand and i wanted to kiss them for the first time under the stars,
i want butterflies and no doubt.
no doubt, no fear,
just butterflies.

i can't unfeel his hand on my leg.
i wanted the first person to touch me in Any way to be someone who i love, who i trust.
not a ball and chain, not a push and pull.

growing up in a shaking, rumbling home,
i've seen people come and go.
i've heard the cries through closed doors and the yelling on the lawn.
this was love.

i prayed when i was young that maybe i could get something different.

four in the morning, the trees are breathing and i'm in sync.
took me forever to start liking the side of my face but i'm doing it.
the glow and the light that i see in my peripheral is a sign, it all feels like signs and this path i'm paving is mine.
the sun hasn't come up but i smell the morning air, it's a mix of grass and nostalgia and safety.
it's my mom waking me and my sisters up to go to my grandmas,
it's church camp,
it's garage sales and littlest pet shop and monster high and bratz.
took me forever to start just Being and Living but i'm doing it.
i've always liked the silence before we begin again, before we're born again.

born not from here but here when you're 19 years young.
starting a new life and that's when you met my mom.
both young and in love and before you know it,
it's wedding vows and wedding bands,
then it's hospital visits and here we are.
i remember holding my baby sister when she got home from having her,
and i remember your mom, my grandma dying.
you sat in the yard, beneath the big tree that whole season.
i met her Once and i have a scar to prove it.
my cheek met her glass table and you were too in your element to be bothered by my blood gushing wound.
years and we're grown.
we're all grown and you look at your creation and the life you've created and i hope you feel pride.
until, things went bad and the house began to shake from your voice.
all that anger kept inside boiled like the beans you'd religiously make every night.
release, release, release
until the horse finally broke and everything you've built came crashing down.
do you remember when it was all too much for you?
i remember sitting behind you, holding bags of our hot food,
we're at a red light and we're all sitting in silence still not digesting the horror of the past four years you created with your other half.
but it's too quiet and i see it hit you like a truck.
wheel gripping and not afraid of crying,
Vulnerable and here and the most raw i've ever seen you till this day.
sadness turned into anger turned into hatred into resentment and anger and hatred follow and circle and pump the blood in your veins.
do you remember smiling for that picture of you holding me and my older sister?
i don't remember it but you have to remember.
i looked at your hardworking hands and on the left is your wedding band.
silver or gold, i don't remember but it's there and looking at that picture,
it's so foreign.
it's like those picture games where you have to find something wrong, something that's not supposed to be there.
do you remember being married and sharing and building a life with someone for over 17 years?
do you remember it crumbling down?
do you still feel that sadness and boiling anger you felt when you were finally released?
it feels like you'd be relieved but you never spent a second to spew that fire towards us and everyone crossing paths.
but i pray for you.
i used to hate you and curse you but now,
i pray for you.
there has to be a day in this life, that hopefully, you just feel peace.
i hope one day you wake up and there's no hurt, there's no anger, there's no revenge,
just peace.
one day, you'll feel like you have it all again.
one day, you won't need to act tough to protect yourself from .....
well, from yourself, from emotions that i wish would just leave you alone.
one day, it'll just be
peace
and
peace
and
peace.

you are the outside of my box,
the voice outside of my head.

those three words feel like home and these eggshells aren't as scary and
in fact, they're imaginary.

it's late nights. squeaks. bears. bad jokes. good jokes. impersonations. i love you's and i love you more's. reading you poetry. cheeks turning red and me covering my face even though you can't see it. coming down together and then sighing together, "i love you".
7am crying together of one of the most beautiful moments in life.

he was right, there are voices outside of my head too and yours beat mine like a marching drum.
"i love you, i love you!"
tiptoeing and eyeing down every move,
you smiled every time i inspected your brain
and
hi, yes, is there something wrong with me for how calm i can be about all of this?

every night you grabbed me from each side of my face,

and no, no, there's nothing wrong with me.

this is trust, this is loving, this is love,
this is new!
i forced myself to break the cycle and i thought breaking down my walls would force me to meet .... something else, someone else.
but it's you,
it's you!

i looked at you like i'm new to this and i am and am not.
you see, this heart has been passed around like friends chain smoking outside of a bar;
smaller than before, more beaten than before, everyone taking their turn.

but, i'm not that cigarette everyone takes a drag from anymore,
i'm not broken, you taught me this.

now you're sleeping on the other side as i watch the sky turn from black to blue to yellow to Us.
and i'm learning and you tend to this bruised heart even when you're not around. it beats for everyone but tonight, it's for you.

i miss you by the way, i know i told you a few hours ago but i'm telling you again how when you talk it looks like the sun shining through a tree's branches. and when we tell each other those three words, i feel secure and it's true. this is all true and new.

this is healing. this is stepping away from everything but what we are Together.

i can hear your breathing slow down as you drift away and i can hear the birds chirping outside. i'm tired and sleepy but this moment is too beautiful, this moment of pure love and pure joy.

this is healing, this is love.

becoming yours was and is my greatest accomplishment.
born from the same star and meeting again on this universe is destiny.

destiny,
us,
destiny and us,
two synonyms.

fate, soulmates, one in a million, a forever person, a forever chapter, whatever you want to call it
that's Us.

and just like that, i became yours again.
i couldn't even remember your name or the color of your eyes
but i remember Love.
i remember our love.
if i close my eyes long enough, i can remember how your hands felt on the small of my back.
how you kept me warm and safe.
baby, i can't remember your name but i remember my heart skipping every time you spoke.
how i cried being held in your arms,
for they felt like nothing past or behind us mattered.
your embrace healed me and i became light in your chest.
i am forever yours.

and just like that,
light, fresh air, seeing everything, seeing Myself, seeing how i've lived up to this point, everything, all of it
all at once.
the veil was lifted again and the person i was seems so far away.
there is no past.
this is a clean slate.
i am a new person.
i am not my past, it just happened to me, i am not stuck there because if i was, i wouldn't be here.

i am here.
i am not there or anywhere but here.
going up and forward.
no more looking behind my shoulder,
no more opening scars,
no more of that.

i am reborn.

he turned to me like everything came back to him again.
"i remembered your voice."
i haven't heard yours since i was 10 but i still remember the softness of your hands and ** you looked at everything will an expression that might as well be the textbook definition of gentleness.
i remember the drawings you gave me the day i left, you told my dad that although i was young,
i already knew who i wanted to be.
i didn't know what you meant then but after everything that's happened,
i do now.

but then everything was silent,
everything was still.
and i saw you sitting across from me,
breathing and with a beating heart
and i could hear it, i could hear you.
and everything exploded again.
i felt my heart expand and burst into millions,
over and over again.
your hand touched mine, bringing me back.
our hearts synched and i could never ask for more,
i will never ask for anything else other than moments like these.
moments like these with you remind me of what it is to be alive,
to truly be alive.

do you remember when we rode bikes together?
how we kissed under the rain like we were straight from a movie.
it felt like the sky parted in two and raindrops felt like diamonds above us, falling on us.
this is what loving you feels like.
it feels like late night coffee.
how you rest your chin in your hand and we doze off talking about nothing.
it feels like warmth,
every kind.
waking up in your arms, sitting in front of the fireplace, hugging you when i come home.
do you remember when we cried watching that movie on our first date?
we talked about it all night, until the sun came up.
we copied the bird's songs outside and smiled.
oh how i knew this wasn't a mistake,
how i knew this wasn't a coincidence.

i came in afraid. three years plus some of being afraid. no kid should live like that but it happens and it happened to me.
three years plus some, entering a new world. "these will be the best years of your life.", they told me but i couldn't help but imagine what life after death would be like. i came in afraid.

year two and i wanted things to get better but then i lost him and it was like a hurricane. my heart was ripped out of my chest and my papers have tear stains on them.
four years plus some of imagining my next life. this year was the worst. counselor offices and confused faces of adults who just didn't get it. my lowest of the low. yet i still stand.

i came in... well still afraid. 360. i remember sitting there and it all came to me. it all became clear and the thunderstorms above my head, the war in my heart,
Quiet. i see light, i see it all. i see me. warmth. closure. forgiveness. light.

i made it now. unafraid. i heard them all scream my name as i walked with pride, as i walked with my head held high in front of my entire class, in front of their family and friends.
i
made
it.
the thunderstorms seemed so far away, they still do. i am strong. i am light.
i made it.

i sat here thinking,
i thought about how i was beat with words and fists my entire life,
i thought about everything they used to tell me
"you're worthless.
i don't love you.
no one loves you.
you're the reason why you're alone.
you're ugly.
you're fat.
you're a burden.
disappointment.
unlovable."
i remember the bruises, the scratches, the broken heart that i used to believe was broken forever.
it's not.
how am i still here?
how do i still love?
how do i still forgive?
how do i smile?

i find love in everything,
i still find love and find things to love about myself.
i am love,
i am worthy.
they are wrong, they always were.
i am here,
i am staying.

i am love.
i am okay.
i am love, love, and love.

my dad is kicking me out, he's been verbally abusive and i guess this was his next move to make my life miserable.

i have 83 cents to my name and he's kicking me out in a few days.

i hate to ask but if, whoever is reading this, has even a dollar to spare, it would help immensely. even a prayer would be appreciated, thank you so much.

thank you, thank you, thank you.

my cashapp is $blipofjoy

for the first time in a long time, i feel like i can't be here.

yesterday, sitting in that chair, sitting in my desk chair in my room,
i felt insignificant.
i tried to imagine my life past this point and i couldn't.
i looked back at every single thing that happened to me that led up to this moment,
in horror, in sadness, in grief.

i was never around good, healthy relationships growing up. my parents were a bust, my older sister never taught me better. i grew to be someone who looked for someone who could give me what They all had.

subconsciously, i looked for someone who would hurt my heart so much that i believed that they did in the name of love. after years, i learned that, no, that wasn't love. that's not love. relationships aren't supposed to hurt you to the point where you have to learn to trust again. that's not love.

then i met you.

my heart weary, taking small steps towards you.
hands behind my back, i wondered what this would be.
i couldn't look you in the eyes,
i was afraid i could see the pain you would inflict on me behind your pupils.

but it wasn't like that,
not at all.
i went to sleep every night knowing i mattered to you,
i woke up every morning feeling butterflies.
i finally feel like a teenager.
thinking of you makes my cheeks hurt and i imagine us dancing in the kitchen,
i imagine us together, simply together.

i'm afraid to tell you i love you but i know it's real,
and i know you feel it too.
i know that this feeling is mutual and that's all i need right now.

mouth open, i wondered if the tears running down my face was enough to make you want to stay.
"you can't drive right now,
i need you. i need you here
with me
now.
i need you here."
i still remember how your face soften when you saw the way you pushed me into the wall was too hard,
but i still remember how quickly the darkness in your eyes came back.
i didn't care if anyone heard me scream for you,
i just wanted you to hear me.
i needed you there with me.

i thought that if i spoke louder than you then you'd finally be able to hear me
but you don't.
your hands push me away and i remember being stuck to your doorway, i saw how scared your eyes were and the venom you spout out wasn't you,
i knew it wasn't you.
i let you break my heart because it made you feel better
and if my words couldn't then at least the cracking and, ultimately, breaking of my heart would.
and that's all that mattered to me.

your phone is ringing in your bedroom,
you're too busy in the kitchen talking about another life,
talking about the future
like you're so sure about it.
your vocabulary only has "am",
i see your chest puff out with so much certainty.
i grew up wondering how you did it,
i always wondered what your secret was to making everything okay even when it really, really wasn't okay.
i grew up hoping, wishing, praying that it was genetic,
i wanted to make everything okay too.
but it wasn't,
it wasn't in my bones or my veins or woven into my existence.

she was always my hero.
i think that's why i never got into superhero movies or anything,
because i had one and, better yet, she was my sister.
i've seen the light in her eyes,
it's brighter than the sun.
i've also seen that same light turn into the darkest room in the world.
her soul has been hurt so many times,
her skin bruise,
tear stained face,
and a life that seemed to only be full of bad days.

take me instead of her.
god, gods, universe, anything,
take me instead.
for she still has that light, trust me.
these days and, truthfully, years have been the hardest for her.
take me instead.
she deserves to feel the sunlight on her skin and to feel the grass in between her toes.
take me instead.

i promise you she still has that light.
i can see it in her when she writes or when talks about her favorite songs,
i promise you it's still here.
give her time.
she'll come back.

when my door closed, i felt the wave again. the same wave i felt as i drifted off to sleep during the day and the same wave i feel as i go to sleep every night. this wave of sadness and it makes me feel small again.i'm reminded of every reason i'm not enough, reminded of every reason why no one could ever love me.

and i cry. it takes a while to get to my bed but i do it. the tears running down my face and i look at nothing and think of you. you. closing my eyes, it hits me harder. it's hard to breathe now. i sit back and let it take me. i let the wave hit me over and over again, trying to deep breaths, just like how everyone taught me.

it's not enough. because even i slow my breathing, even if the tears stop, it's all still there. i still feel small, i still feel inadequate. and i scan my room like it'll give me answers but the only thing it gifts me is reminders. i can still see these past stained walls through both the sun and moonlight.

eventually, i'll be able to close my eyes without tears slipping from them. and that's when i'll be ready to, hopefully, feel nothing until the sun comes up. if i'm lucky, my dreams will be nothing. if i'm lucky, i'll sleep through my alarms. if i'm lucky, i'll wake up feeling better.

i wondered where your eyes went when you would look outside,
or when you, yourself, went when you touched a tree.
it's like you went somewhere else,
or where so grounded that you were that somewhere else.

it just felt like i was doing everything wrong.
it's beginning hard to tell if your distance is actually there or in my mind.
i know sometimes people get bored but of me, but please,
please, not you.
you're the best thing i've had in a long time
and i know you won't hurt me
but why is this hurting me?
it's not supposed to hurt right? or is it?
i can't tell anymore.
please tell me it's in my head,
please tell me you still like me.
i can count the messages we've exchanged in the past few days on both of my hands and it's terrifying.
i don't know if i'm too much or too little.
i'm used to the abandon and the demanding and the mean,
but no, please,
please, not you.
i keep reassuring myself that you still want to be here, with me.
even though i marked it as a blue day in my mood tracker,
i want to go to sleep knowing you still like me.
i'm afraid it's gone to your head, the things you hear about how we're supposed to be, or how you expected me to be.
please tell me it's in my head,
please tell you still like me.

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but then everything was silent,
everything was silent.
and i saw you sitting across from me,
breathing and with a beating heart
and i could hear it, i could hear you.
and everything exploded again.
i felt my heart expand and burst into millions,
over an over again.
your hand touched mind, bringing me back.
our hearts synced and i could never ask for more,
i will never ask for anything else other than moments like these.
moments like these with you remind of it is to be aline.
to truly be alive.

it was so weird.
i didn't doubt anything yet i expecting you to ask for my clothes,
you didn't.
i felt like a teenager dating another teenager.
two boys enjoying each other's company,
liking each other for our own self.
not because you twitched in your pants when i sat a certain way or dressed a certain way.
but just us.
teenagers, finally.

you just wanted somebody to talk to,
i knew that, i saw that.
i saw in the way you stayed awake until one in the morning,
knowing you still had to go to work when you woke up.
i can't help but think of how long you've gone silent,
how long you felt like you needed to be silent.
but not anymore,
i knew that, i saw that.

it's crazy.
you aren't here anymore, in my life i mean.
months ago, i would be so ******* sad about this fact but...
i'm okay, i'm really happy actually.
if this was still a few months ago, i would still be broken.
but i'm not.
i feel free.
i chose myself, again.
and this time for the long run.
i couldn't stay with how you played with my mind,
convincing me for favors,
making me feel bad for feeling,
making me feel bad for feeling sad because of what You say to me,
but not anymore.
i choose myself.
i'm free.

it won't be a long while until i see you
but i hope you can see me now,
i'm loving and growing.
i didn't know i could without you here,
i thought that since you were gone
that was it, but it's not.
i still feel you around and i still talk to you like before.
do you see me?
did you see me stay true to myself?
did you see do that?
do you see me live?
i'll be with you in years and years and years, don't worry!
it may seem long but we'll see each other again.
i can't wait to see you again.

you saved my life.
you saved me from myself, from the bad, from the pain.
i can never thank you enough.
everything feels like a letter to you, because it is.
there will never be words to describe the how ******* good it felt to feel my heart beat again.
i couldn't be here without you.
the blood in my veins thanks you,
the healthy pounding of my heart thanks you.
thank you.

you wrote my name on the fogged up window of your car.
after this, everything was supposed to be okay.
sitting next to you, everything was supposed to be okay.
i was supposed to be okay and feel okay,
i wanted to fall into your arms like i did before.
but i couldn't,
i didn't want to anymore.

i couldn't look past the deceit, the lies, the cheating.
i looked at you and didn't see the you i fell in love with.
i held your hand and didn't feel the warmth that you once had.
it just wasn't the same,
you weren't the same,
i wasn't the same.

i looked at you and felt close to nothing.
i felt my soul leave my body and my mind turned off,
i disconnected from reality
and this was the first time i thanked my mind for this coping mechanism.

i didn't want to be living this life.
it took a complete turn and i didn't want to stand here,
looking at your life fall apart too.

the feeling in my hands left and i could feel my nose run.
i've never felt more here and more grounded and hated it.
i looked up to the grey sky and wondered why.

why did my life fall apart right when i thought it was going to be okay?

i'm 18 but still not grown enough for this.
i'm not grown enough to call the police when things are scary again.
i'm not grown enough to hold my head up high, holding the world down for my family.

i can't comfort everyone again.
i can't be the rock that you're expecting me to be right now.

that night, i couldn't stop shaking.
i could barely form words to reassure my sister that no, she doesn't need to worry, it's all okay,
it's going to be okay.

the shaking brought me back to the me i was when my parents made my life fall apart for the first time.
i heard from everyone that things like that make you grow up faster than other kids but it was times like these were,
somehow,
i'm still that small, scared, shaking kid.

18 now and 19 later this year,
i'm still a kid.
let me be a kid, a normal kid,
just once.

you came and left my life quicker than i could tell anyone that you felt like home.
i should've known that because you felt like home that things would be broken and imperfect,
yet i still loved you and loved us.

i can't forget the first time i heard your voice.
i describe the moment as a moment that can never be forgotten but i can't even remember what you said.
you just sounded like an angel and even before that day,
i knew i wanted to be yours, that maybe,
just maybe,
we were meant to be.
but hearing your voice felt like the universe confirmed it.

maybe it's stupid young love.
both of us only 18,
barely 18,
and so in love like we knew what it was and what it meant.
but it felt like we invented it.
they'll never understand the electricity and warmth that was sent through your fingertips to mine.

we talked about grocery shopping together, cooking together, living together, loving together, being together,
forever
as if we weren't in different universes,
different books.
because that's where things went wrong again.
that was the second error in Us.

one, you felt like home.
two, we were both in different universes.

you're just as beautiful as i remember.
you stood there,
rose cheeks,
towering over me,
light,
you,
you,
you.
you and you again.
you held my hands and i felt warm,
falling into your palms then your open chest.

we drove to the sea and i looked at you the whole ride there.
barely talking, i knew that you were still home.
the sea this time was unfamiliar and you were my sea this time,
you became my home.
it's like you always were.

you held me tight and i begged myself to not wake up.
i can't describe the cold and ache in my heart when my eyes opened and they were locked into yours.

will i see you again tonight?

i hope that after i tell you i'm your son,
you'll still love me.
that's my biggest fear.
losing you.
losing the people who raised me and were there for me when things kept falling apart.
the generation gap is a bit big but i hope that you can find it in your heart to,
at least,
accept me.
hug me and tell me i'm your son.
don't abandon me.
i know i'm older now but a boy still needs his parents.
i need you.
please keep loving me.

hello, you.
it feels like sitting with someone new.
i can barely remember the first half of last year and can barely remember the reasons why i cried so much last year,
sometimes.
i know this year will be different
because you feel different.
but nonetheless,
i ask of you to treat me with kindness.
i'm starting everyday with deep breaths,
holding my hands to the ground,
reminding myself that you are in fact not out to get me.
you, please treat me kindness.

last night, i let go of you.
i stopped waiting by the phone,
as if you'd ever even called in the first place.
i closed my eyes and thought of
your rose tinted cheeks,
your smile,
your laugh,
your emerald colored eyes,
the way you said you said you loved me,
the way i could feel you even if you were far away from me,
just one last time
i thought of all these things.
i held my chin up high and i swallowed the lump in my throat.
goodbye.

how are you still so perfect?
after all those sleepless nights and tears you've gifted me,
how are you still everything to me?
how are you still the light and the love of my life?
i remind myself of the time and yet,
it never changes the fact that i love you.
i always love you.

falling asleep in your arms has to be my favorite part,
still.
i will always love watching your eyes go from fluttering to completely shut.
us having competitions as to who could stay awake longer.
tears would be brought to my eyes sometimes from how beautiful you are.
my chest on yours, feeling your breathing slow down and then feeling mine.

you're 15 years old today.

i remember holding you when mom brought you home from the hospital,
my little baby sister.
your small hand wrapped around my finger.
beautiful.

you started high school this year and i'm ready to hold your hand through it all.
you got this, girl!
i'll try with all my might to be there for you so you won't feel alone if you do.

it was just an indescribable feeling really. loving you, falling in love with you. it felt like warmth.

my heart beat so loudly yet with ease around you. my cheeks feel pink and all i can focus on is light in your eyes when you talk about the most simple things. roasted dandelion tea, your dog, the way the leaves fall from trees in autumn and how you feel yourself move with the wind.

i can't count how many times i've looked at you and just thought "i love you" without verbally saying it.

i love you.
i love you.
i love you.

it seemed impossible that flowers bloomed during the winter but with you around,
it was a meadow.
it felt like spring then summer then spring again.

one year, my love.
365 days without you.
my heart is dark today.
i miss your smile.
i miss seeing you everyday.
my baby boy, my best friend, my sun,
my moon,
my everything.
i keep clenching my teeth to keep sobs silent,
it's been like this for a year now.
i can still hear your laugh sometimes.
i swear i see you in a crowd of people sometimes.
i need you to hold me again,
to tell me i did well.
but you can't,
so i'll tell you.
my heart is forever yours.
these breaths i take are yours.
we'll see each other one day again,

i'm seventeen years old.
out of those seventeen years, i spent more than half of them depressed.
the world fell apart around me and on top of me over and over again.
i asked for hugs from people who were supposed to love me and got hit instead.
but ---------

the sound of snow being stepped on reminds me of us.
i liked the times where we would sit on the park bench in the dark and listen to silence,
occasionally talking.
the moonlight that kissed your face made you even more beautiful that you already were.

as i try to exhale, it seems as if my lungs shake,
making the breath that hesitantly leave me makes me feel uncertain.
you'd think that since i've breathed like this for as long as i can remember that it's become a home for me,
it doesn't.
something inside me tells me that something is wrong,
that the uneasiness of my breath isn't normal.
i stared into nothing when my breathing would get shaky.
my limbs go numb and the world in front of me would move in slow motion,
i could feel it all spinning and i felt everyone's heartbeat.
sometimes my head would stop running thoughts and for this 5 second exhale, i would forget and sometimes it was enough.

he crawled into the deepest and darkest parts of my mind, making himself at home. i let him do this. i tucked him in every night, doing this felt as if every trauma that once was was put to rest.

every morning when we woke up, it felt like i was a child on christmas morning. cold yet so ******* comfortable under all these blankets. i held him close and held on tighter than he held onto me. it was always like this. we stayed like this for as long as he would let me. he was always the first one to get out of bed.

i followed him closely, in fear that i'd lose him right in front of my eyes. his pale skin matched the snow that covered the cars and grass in my neighborhood. his cheeks were always painted with roses, the same roses that reminded me of the ones he bought me once. i always looked at his cheeks when things would go wrong.

i fell in love with every part of him. he was home to me. he took up every thought in my head, every room in my house, he filled my veins with his presence and yet, i still couldn't get enough of him.

i try to convince myself that, in the end, nothing really went wrong. that we were just in different timelines when we were together, not ready for each other yet. and most of that is true. neither of us were ready, yet we both dived head first into each other, into all of this.

i could talk about all the red flags that he planted in front of me. but right now, i miss him. he's gone and i sometimes still feel the way he ran his fingertips on my body. i remember his touch and when he looked into my eyes, i felt reborn.

now when night falls upon me, he comes into bed again. i stare at the ceiling and it all happens again. time picking up faster as it would replay the end, i see how it ended every night. even then, i would do it all over again if it meant that he would be here again.

i spend my saturday with the curtains drawn,
covers over my head.
i pushed myself as deep into my mattress as i could,
in hopes that maybe i'd push myself deep enough to fall into another dimension.
one where i didn't cry as i stepped inside my house after the end of a day.
i wanted to sleep and wake up as someone else,
that's all i wanted.
for the first time in months, i've thought about taking my life.
planning to go for a walk and never come back.
i wanted to get lost and somehow disappear
and inside my head,
i was half way there.