The clock ticks and ticks
Tic tock tic tock tic tock tock tock
The sound rings in my ears
As the melody plays behind me
A song whispering all my thoughts
My heart beats heavily beneath the air
Thump thump thump thump
This mind flutters like butterflies
Stomach sinking like a rock in a lake
Every memory swims back to me
My ears sink in, the world spins round
As tears trickle down my bare face
Chss chss chssssss
It's a thunderstorm striking violently
A flood destroying my soul
My spirit pounding viciously on my flesh
Thump thump thump thump
Nothing matters in this world anymore
Just the love I've lost and neglected
The pain suppressed under the cement
A scorching fire below naked feet
And so I conclude, listen to the tik tock
The crescendo is slow but escalates
Boom boom boom boom
Just like that the body sets fire
And what is lost is the ash we stand upon
The emptiness we all aggressively seek
Nothingness.

Lately I find myself consumed by thoughts
My mind runs rampant of images of you
Running into your arms as you hold me
Our lips touch as the world fades away
Just you and I in the midst of the city
Putting to sleep the place that never rests
Yet I know these images are just a dream
That plays over like a broken record
Our imaginations can be a mirage
However I still hope that you see me
In your dreams and see all that I see in you
Maybe I've just hit the brink of craziness
Or this longing is everything you feel
I fell in love so easily as we stood
Side by side for months in the depths
Of the desolate kitchen that drove us
Oh dear I know I'm just a fool in this
But my mind still runs like waterfalls
Crashing and pouring but bringing solace

Death has tiptoed through my mind
Fogging my mind like a dreary fall day
Whether it be upon that rock
Hand in hand, the trees whistling
When I stared you in the eyes
And said "I could die here. Right now"
Or in the darkest of moments
Where I imagine my death beyond a dream
And then it drifts away like sunset
Leaving me still within the emptiness
Day by day, it is one or the other
But somehow I push through it
As I yearn for the final breath of air
Seized by my very own brittle hand
I've painted myself blue, stuck in still life
Walking through the still life of my soul

Our eyes caught a simple glance
Countless times
But this time I knew very well
You felt what I did too
A strange desire buried in the depths
Of our minds
I long for your touch
The soft caress of your hand
Upon my silken flesh
And the sound of you breathing
As you sleep so delicately
Aside my frame
I yearn for the words to leave my mouth
That speak the Truth
And everything you've done
Oh dear I'm here and always will be
Dreaming when it's us
Not you and I, but the universe
Within our bodies
Because we've found each other
Giving one another
The very breath we've been searching for

Most nights I lie awake drifting
Thinking of all those moments we shared
I wrote you a letter once
You came and we danced like lovers
Everything was as it was meant to be
As time has quickly passed
I find myself still yearning
For your voice and touch
So mellifluous so true and caring
Yet I'm here alone, wasting away
Simply dreaming of the days
When we lit the sky on fire
And breathed one breath
In the depths of the woods

It's four in the morning and I haven't slept for days or maybe even years
The thought of your chest beating against mine lingers in my mind
As I try to fall into my dreams that no longer seem to come by
It was a short few days that brought you so close to myself
You may have forgotten, yet I can't seem to shake you from my bones
Oh dear you felt so right even though you think you're so wrong
They say I'm so sweet and so kind but they just don't really know
We are both broken but I know we can thrive with each other
Or maybe it's just a fantasy I've painted vividly inside my soul
You've done something to my core I cannot begin to put in words
And as I stare upon the blank, white ceiling in my bedroom
I think about the times I felt you so close within my spirit
But I am alone now, with the melodies of songs that leave me empty
As you're ghost dances upon the strings of my veins

It's been a long time since I took the dive
And now I'm so deep in this ocean
I thought I was numb beneath the water
Yet every breath I take reminds I'm on shore
But I can't seem to hold on to anything

I'm floating in these waves with the bones
Of all the fish that have died beside me
There is nothing left of what I once had
I have given too much of myself away
To all the people who've I've given the power

Now I lay quietly upon my empty bed
Where I'm reminded of how wasted I am
Lost in this haze of the death I now know
I'm nothing but the ashes of an angel
Who gave her wings for the sweet water
That never brought the sugar to my life

Now I'm left with this bitter taste in my mouth
The smokey flavor of all myself I've burned
In the trail I've chosen to hike alone
And oh how I long for the days before this
When I had all of me and purity in my core
But now I must pay the toll for losing me
In all of them who had the chance
To take a part of every bit of who I was

I've been sinking in the space
Between the both of you
An oblivion I'm drowning in
The jealousy of all I knew
I've come to lick the dirt
And drink the salt like water
Only to find myself more dry
Like the desert in July
I want to live everything
That you have told me
Yet my mind screams death
In every silent moment I receive
I hope to float ashore
Where your words have lingered
And came to life like Jesus
Yet my stubborn soul fights
While it beats me to the ground
I'm a wolf escaping the pack
Howling at the red moon
As salted tears burn my flesh
I miss you with all my spirit
As my thoughts burn like cigarettes
Temporary and relieving
But killing me peacefully
Until the end of the times
When my body fails and my heart
It seizes to beat like the drum
Of which it once had done
And I'm just the null that haunts
Every bit of what I can endure
I long for the days in your arms
Those soft spoken words
That put to rest all these demons
And quench the life that thirst
For the truth you've always spoken

My mind runs rampant
As the days pass quickly
While I work endlessly
In the heat of the evening
The world reminds me
daily, that I'm not alone
This life is mirage in my daze
I'm the bee making honey
Beneath the queen of queens
Yet I stumble upon the lives
Of those who serve beyond
All that I have ever known
They work like slaves
Bruised and exhausted
Under the light that reminds us
That there is more than night
There are stars and a moon
Shining the haze of thought
Which beams the essence
Of human flesh on the grill
We are burned and cooked
To nothing more than ash
Yet there is a depth beyond
This strange life we lead
A horizon that awaits our soul
The fresh air that renews
Like the dew that waters grass
We will find our salvation
When we finally make a choice
To relinquish ourselves to the king
The only one who knows torture
And finds sanction in hell
For we are not our own person
Rather the product of a warrior
Who suffered for every thing we are
The sins we find to define us
Are nothing more than the mirage
We painted in our hearts before
So I tell you me friends and foes
Don't dream any longer than you have
Live each day as your last
And serve not the honey to the comb
But the fruit of the tree in your heart
The apple in the orchard
The sweet berry of the wild
For we are not the slaves of the kitchen
But the servers of our brethren

The time it passes as quickly as it comes
As I reminisce of moments with him and I
You celebrate another year upon this Earth
While I find myself chasing my wildest dreams
But yet I find my heart, a beat upon your drum
Your touch lingers within a capsule of my mind
As my dreams remember when you were all mine
I gave you something special, a part I can’t refine
A crazy bit of self, that thrives within your soul
My dear I can’t forget you, no matter how I try
You’ve left a mark upon me, a scar that’s in disguise
And so I’m left to say, I love you nonetheless
I hope you find the freedom, that lives within your bones
You’ll always be my love, regardless of this fall

Notes to the one who doesn't Know

The time has slowly passed
My heart stagnant in the drift
You've left my body empty
I've lost my spirit when you left
I cannot explain this all
I'm lost in the abyss of the fall
Yet I find myself running
Consistently from the love
That I've only purely felt
With You

Everything. You. Me.
It was our heaven
A home within the wild
The child cradled
In the carriage we made
My dear I love you forever
And my soul has been null
With out You

My heart beats the rhythm of this song
We wrote together when I was blind
Every note breathes the essence of you
As I sink into the touch you left on me
These thoughts consume each night
Before I rest my eyes upon this floor
That holds the desires I've locked away
You've left an impression I can't remove
A tattoo on my spirit I long to renew
Yet all the same my heart wishes to erase
I met you in a convoluted state of self
And lost you in the whirlwind of hate
Now I walk upon this road I've paved
As you go your way, not a trace of me
All the while I bless you with the best
While you'll always be there upon my chest
So dear be well in this life we call reality
You're blood will still rush through my veins
And my soul will consistently sing of you

Nothing has ever been consistent in my life
Expect the thought of you within my mind
Days pass, seconds tic away with the clock
Yet you linger within the time that passes
Ever so present in every part of my being
Thriving in the depths of spirit, a soul in mine
I try so desperately to remove you from me
But your blood runs so deeply inside my own
The scent of your skin still haunts me today
And I imagine you're body intertwined with me
My dear I haven't forgotten a thing you've done
I've only pushed away the constant you were
The love that lives daily in my delicate heart
I wish you all the best, while I yearn for you
Dreaming of the day, a yellow diamond rests
Upon my small finger, like we once had desired

Life has become stale
Stagnant like pond water
Gathering the filth of the year
I swim like a fish in circles
While the dirt floats above
Like a cloudy day in summer
I'm warm but heavy in the sun
I can't seem to leave this place
That weighs so heavy on my chest
I breathe as if I were dead
Barely gathering any air in my lungs
This year has been so strange
A foreign yet familiar time
Like an old friend
That holds heartbreaking memories
While feeling like a warm hug
My bones have been withering
Through all these days that pass
I am lost within the light
I am buried in my present
While I'm living in the past
My eyes have sunken into themselves
And my body is tired
Like a worn out veteran
Eating from the garbage
On the streets we silently walk
I am invisible to them all
Yet I see everything before my eyes
And so I continue to wander
In this mirage that has been painted
By the fear that I created
I am the one you hope to leave behind
The very thing you should never know
Farewell to my friends I haven't met

These thoughts flutter in my mind
Like butterflies through a field of daisies
On a hot summer afternoon in July
They warm my spirit like whiskey
But just the same they burn like fire
Tossing me around like clothes in a drier
So many words rest upon these lips
Yet not one can dance within the breeze
Choked by the fears that come so easily
I've found myself running as fast as I can
Away from the potential pain that could follow
As my heart lies heavy upon my chest
Something has blossomed inside of me
But I've left it to die like a rose in the desert
Nothing has moved me without you here
I've become stagnant, a tree in a storm
Unrooted by the gusts that carry thousands
Of pounds that are the same weight
On my shoulders through this life that I paved
I sink like an anchor into my own ocean
And graze like the calf still learning to grow
With all of this I can only find that I'm broken
Like a mirror cursing every step we take
Yet I hope that in turmoil I'll find my sun
The light that guides me to the joy that is Love

This home that is my body
is haunted by the demons
sleeping soundly in my head
My veins pulse in cadence
to the dreams in my mind
Memories of darker days
Nightmares peeling my skin
baring my desolate soul
before my own jaded eyes
My spirit dormant in this life
I walk like a ghost in the night
Spent like my withered bones
Alone in the mass of people
And like the molting cicada
I am the hollow shell
With lungs filled with dust
A heart keeping me standing
while i’m falling inside myself
waiting for the next breath

Ashes turned to clouds hovered above my head
And like venom, their rain penetrated my veins
Seizing my heart, leaving me a lifeless mess
I squirmed and slithered through the gaps
That were left inside my decaying mind
In attempts to find the sanction I only knew
When I was safe inside his tender hold
Beneath the stars that spoke our sacred bond
But as quickly as the night would come
It would go and I could see the scars
I've hid from all that were blinded by the light
I was the foolish one, with a crack of a bottle
And the tip of my head, burning fire in my throat
A lost girl in your bed, trying to find the Truth
That I knew so well in your passionate gaze
Your mellifluous voice killed all the demons
Inside my skin, breaking my every bone
The years have passed like the seasons have
And I find that every snake you've killed
Have come back with this storm hovering me
Oh but I was the foolish one who buried you
And exposed my tattered soul in a whirlwind
With a drunken haze, that painted me blue
Yet I still hope in all the death I've seen
That all these things will be turned to gold
And the doves that flew inside our spirits
Would return and kiss our naked souls
Bringing shivers that spoke every silent word

182.5

The year has taken its last breath
As I’ve inhaled the air of new hopes
But with this end was also a renewal
The seed of our love has been replanted
In the midst of the bitter cold winter
And the pain of past mistakes sinks in
The music cradles me as I sway along
Like a leaf falling from a tree in the fall
My heart has sunken in again, with my bones
Yet I still have a feeling that this isn't the end
I see the brokenness in your eyes
As you feel the hurt upon my skin
We taste the passion, that bathes in desire
Yet with a match we set fire to it all
Watch it burn before us, as our bodies sink
My dear, the truth cannot be hidden
It's been 182.5 days since we've felt each other
And still we become like wolves in flames
Loving as the sky rocks the stars
And so I wait…for what’s another day
Compared to a lifetime with you

The days passed slowly in a drunken haze
As this sleepless delusion was set ablaze
My limbs weakened with the rising sun
While the spiders in my head began to run
Spinning webs beneath my sunken skin
Piercing my veins like deadly sin
Yet through it all my bones withstood
The war taking heed within falsehood
By words of Truth I found my sanction
Even as my spirit dies in such a fraction
And like the dead become living grass
My flesh will live again like sandy glass
But as for now this life consumes me
And I will work like the honey bee
Until the bitter taste on my tongue
Becomes the flavor of the purest young

I terribly wish I could express my love
For you, without breaking my neck
I try to hold back the tears as they run
Down my cheeks and I choke upon
Every tear that expresses how I feel
So strongly for you even after the years
Yet I still bite my tongue and listen to
The songs that remind me of the times
That we so courageously loved one another
Regardless of the struggles we had faced
And still today I effortlessly try to hold
Back all the feelings that linger in my heart
While fear reminds me I cannot say
A word that dances upon my tongue
About the way I move with the sound
Of the mellifluous voice of which you posses
It will seemingly be a strain in my throat
A weight upon every cell of my being
Until I can turn back after restlessly running
Away from the only happiness I’ve known
The very truth I once lived in the past

Sober, am I really sober?

My mind has become idle
Even in this sobriety
That’s been gifted in pain
These hands have been worked
And my flesh is shedding
Along with the trees this fall
I’ve been sober for a while
But I’ve adopted a new high
A detrimental self-determined
Deterioration of myself
Trying to escape the reality
Of the life I’ve carved
In the midst of this whirlwind
I can only cling to the purity
That lingers in the silence
Before I shut my eyes for rest
When I’m lying in my bed
Beneath the lies I had told
With all the truth I painted blue
I can see the sober mind
That's sitting still in my head
With all the regrets  I long to toss
Into the pile of bones I buried
With the past I hope to forget
But I am shaped by this all
I am the product of a history
That was written by plenty
Only to be lived by one

In this sober body I call mine

the air is heavy tonight
and my heart is an anchor
kissing the feet of my soul
while my lungs begin to swell
beneath the sea of my mind

as the music rings in my ear
mellifluously lingering
reminding me of all the fish
that swim within my spirit
and feed upon my bones

my hands tremor softly
while my skin begins to ripple
as my blood starts to rush
my pulse like an african drum
causing my thoughts to dance

I sink into my bodies’ motion
like a rock thrown into a river
but I sway like a leaf falling
in a somber mid october day

the sounds embrace my head
and as I come back to reality
I see the hell I’ve known
But I see the sun in the moon
and hope to love once again

I found you in my dream
But only the good parts
In the midst of a hell
You were a protector
A lover holding me close
But it was fleeting
Like all these emotions
Swimming through me
I woke up more empty
Than when I was that night
Alone in the raining snow
Weeping with the winter
This spirit of mine is gone
Resting in the grave
That I dug long ago
I asked to swim in you
And drowned in the lust
As the night falls upon me
My mind drifting away
Along with the sunset
I find the soulless flesh
That still longs for the pain
The ambiguous love
Veiled by sins of humanity
And in this I walk the aisle
A bride to the broken
Like a ******* child
Trying to find the tangible
But only grasping hopes
That linger like dust
Filling my lungs with dirt
A taste I know too well
My fantasy in my bed
Will **** my heart softly
And I will live transparently
As the ghost I have become
I hope these dreams will die
Just like I have a thousand times
You were my vice for too long
I'll bury you with my bones

My vision went blank
The memory is gone
When I wasn't there

I was held captive
By the bottle of falsity
In the midst of a crowd

My deepest possession
Was stolen in the dark
I was more dead then them

But I woke up in life
In the hell of my sins
Drowned by own blood

A strange taste sunk in
Bittersweet like rind
But it burned like liquor

My flesh was emptied
I was carrying my heart
As it diminished in hand

The air was thick and wild
My lungs filled by dust
Of what was left behind

My song turned melancholic
As my soul hid quickly
With the depths of my spirit

The years passed
And like a mirage
They dissipated

Now I dine alone
At the broken table
I placed in my home

There's a part I've lost
A place I'll never find
I am the ghost of my death

The weeks quickly turned to months
As the air became thicker by the day
And this facade I played became me
I converted to the deceiver of my soul
In this life that grew into a stage

But as the dawn would set in daily
The reality I hid would unveil itself
And my thoughts rained on my mind
Like a thunder storm rumbling inside
My hand would grasp the bottle

I would drink from this glass
As if it were liquid gold from the gods
In attempts to quell the lightning
To seize the screaming within my bones
So that I could escape into a dream

Yet as quickly as I would fall away
I’d find myself right here in my room
A cocoon in my sheets on my bed drenched
By the sweat of all the demons I fought
In the slumber that was better than my head

Oh, how strange the day
That casts a shadow on my grave
That I have dug in wickedness
Through the flesh I have praised

I've found the woe in all of this
Yet in darkness I bathe my bones
While I chain my neck to sins
I stubbornly refuse to turn against

Like a sweet apple from a tree
I lust for the succulent taste
Of a fleeting happiness of addiction
That grasps my veins like ******

I've bonded myself to all the lies
That I  have whispered to my soul
Each night as I stared into the stars
And drifted to the hell inside my mind

But in this place I found an angel
That defended the death I claimed
And I, like the vulnerable sheep
Drank the words of all she said

Like a glutinous fool I was quenched
Until the morning came again
And I woke upon the driest desert
My soul shriveled to nothingness

Yet I find somewhere within my spirit
To fight against every ounce of me
That keeps running to false desires
In hopes to find the freedom I yearn

I plead to be crippled from head to toe
To fall on my knees for eternity
Until I'm bruised and broken
And my heart can breathe again

When my lungs are filled with joy
That sings mellifluously throughout
And my eyes burn with passion
Ignited by the purest of light

And like an earthquake on land
May my spirit be shaken violently
Until the day I'm alive again
Where my mind will blossom

Like a field of flowers in the spring
Where the birds hum their beauty
And my thoughts are silenced
While my flesh dances like the bees


Oh, how beautiful this day will be
When winter is quelled by the sun
And every life is flourishing
In the Truth that we all had lost

My mind is aquiver with these thoughts that swarm like bees
Yet just the same my body trembles by the touch of your skin
As your mellifluous voice makes silent the buzzing in my ears

It's strange you see, the paradox that is us, you and I together
There is terror and calm, there is beauty and horror in it all
Like a sort of Yin and Yang but more so just a tug-o-war

With this I look in the past and question the limerence that was
It blinded us and deceived us like a butterfly hiding from a predator
We thought we knew what Love was, but maybe it was never made

We only rubbed our eyes and like phosphenes we saw an illusion
Colors that may only exist in a moment, but aren’t pure reality
Our lives together became so flawed in all we tried to conceive  

The moments of bliss and happiness were always just ephemeral
We got caught up in oblivion, because we lost ourselves before
There never was a truth to see, we were birds flying as if deaf

With this I come to a resolution that our relation was merely cromulent
We attempted to ameliorate something that was doomed from the start
Yet I think there was a sort of dalliance, but simply rooted in the flesh

This erratic soul of mine
As found myself in awe
Of everything you are

Your spirit has caught me
Like a fish to the sailor
You've reeled me in so fast

My mind adopted insanity
And my heart is pounding
But my ***** are settle

I've found a certain calm
That allows me to breathe
When I see your gentle face

I am falling without understanding
I long to know your very touch
But laws divide this yearning

I'm left to feel pure insanity
For loving something so quickly
I am the crazed and vulnerable

You've made me find hope again
I've been saved by you
Yet you have no clue of this

And so I will wear this guise
You shall not know of what I feel
But I'm sure you see my affection

It's a puzzle to be solved
This inexplicable care for you
That I hold close to my spirit

I wish you knew the truth I see
That you have brought to me
In my time of darkness in the spring

So I conclude with all of this
I am with you at all times
Through thought and mind

My dear I long for your happiness
And I desire all the good for you
I dream that one day I'll feel you

Yet I acknowledge the improbability
Of all this that I yearn for with you
But I'll give fate the upper hand

And allow her to work her ways
For I do not know what will be
But I do know I only want you

The sun sets whilst darkness creeps
I am like the night, void of all light
And with this I see the truth we are
Humanity has become the veil of lies

We are not real in this world we see
Rather we are the product of falsity
The very painting of mathematics
The numbers of every conspiracy  

With this I can see the complacency
That was accepted based on history
Which leads to the circle of living
All of which is the sickness we accept

We are all the hell we want to refrain
Since we grasp every sin we hate
Life is but a paradox of hurt and joy
Yet pain reigns like Caesar in Rome  

And so we will be killed by knife
By the hands of our loved neighbor
Because we do not see any love
In the lives we lead beneath the clouds

I was swinging on this swing
Like a child from the past
And these thoughts swarmed me
As the bees do in the spring

The time slowed, but I was happy
A blissful moment I yearn for
When my mind was running wild
But my heart was sound and still

It's in these moments I feel again
The beauty that living delivers us
Like the touch of sun after winter
And your flesh begins to smile

But this has passed and here I am
Again in this pit that I've dug
Where I think myself into a whirlwind
As I sink deeper into the hell I've seen

And so life goes round and round
Like a Ferris wheel spins and spins
But there is no such joy in this
Rather an empty hollow space I know

I'm in the void I ran from long ago
Wishing I would have stayed
Wondering what would have been
If only I accepted the reality I was in

My human self filled with chaos
Has brought me to the false present
That is really the death I've chosen
The very fate I've longed to escape

Yet somewhere in me waits for you
I cling to a hope that circles are lies
And there is a way to end this
That I won't keep ending back here

So as these moments of sleep
Pass me by like the wind in the fall
I will float like a leaf until I land
On the grounds my desire's dream

In lieu of all that happens in life
I find happiness in your mind
I'm reminded of all that is good
When you're there by my side
I know that when I know you
You fill me with a love I never knew
And strengthen me into a woman
Whom could never be without you
He is within my heart that seeks
My mind is opened to all that is
With Him I find all the treasures
I had searched for in my flesh
And my life sees all that I am
Without You I am only porcelain
A doll breakable by the touch
However I cling to you for strength
Where I find all my dreams a reality
You give me every fantasy I longed
And You give me the life i desired
With this I fall to my bruised knees
Praising the beauty you've granted

My heart is becoming numb
As my mind runs in circles
Attempting to escape truth

Life has taken me to the edge
Facing me with every choice
Of which builds my character

Like a mirror I see myself
But I do not fathom anything
I only question every bit

As I ponder where I stand
I find I am not naked here
My bare skin is embalmed

While my thoughts thrive
Like mold in the summer
As they bite like winter cold

Who is this, I’ve become?
How have I arrived here?
And where am I to go?

I long to feel alive again
Wishing I could feel you
As that time by the lake

He’s done something
You have changed me
My flesh cannot understand

With this I become a puzzle
And the vital piece is lost
I am broken like the dead

I’m trying to discover humans
But I cannot complete the task
For I am resting in the silence

That I have embraced
Through the pain I’ve claimed
By the possibilities I denied

As I taste the air tonight
I reminisce our memories
Finding myself in that diner
With a large slice of cake
Discussing our lives
Swinging in that playground
With the illuminating moon
Telling our visions and dreams

These were the better times
When my heart ignited
And I showed you all of me
While you exposed yourself
We showed our selves bare
And learned each other’s bodies
In the midst of the storm
Searching for every answer

But quickly the woe set in
My naive self discarded you
As attention consumed me
Now it’s you that shuts down
As you turn cold in my presence
Masking any feeling that exit
In the whirlwind of our lives
That swims in a changing sea

I see my reflection in this water
And feel every ounce of regret
For the love I denied you
With the warmth I robbed you of
My love you are my everything
The brightest parts of me
Are composed of every bit of you
I long for your tender embrace
Those lips that bring tingles

In the end I need your soul
That spirit of yours is in me
It caresses my mind like a lover
But tortures me like a demon
I have taunted you like so
And now its my turn to be killed
I’m yearning for the numbness
That I plagued on your mind

With this, I know,
I will always,
Only love you

As quick as the winds caress
My heart sinks as the air thickens
The weight of the world triples
And I'm crumbling under it all
I silently sob as I begin to choke

No one prepares you for heartbreak
It just creeps up like the night
And blinds you instantaneously
Leaving you lost and confused

I drift into a sort of numbness
Attempting to destroy my memory
Of days where my smile was genuine
And Joy existed in the hell of life

But through this attempt of forgetting
I find myself still crawling on cement
Spitting up the blood I've lost
Shedding all the tears of my flesh

I'm broken from my spirit to my bone
There is no horizon I see any longer
Only the darkness that hovers me
Masking all the truth within this soul

I hear them again in my head
They buzz like bees in a hive
And I lose my sanity day by day
I find my self back to the beginning
Where the nothingness I had felt
Became exactly what I was
Now I'm running towards this
Backwards to the past that broke me
Yet brought me a sick satisfaction
That is malicious by character
A certain synthetic happiness
That feels more real than I can say
So here before myself I stand
Naked as I've come to be
Drenched in salt, swollen, incomplete
And I surrender to the queen
I'll drink your poisoned honey
Joining your fleet of slaves
Relinquishing my flesh to you
So I can find a way to breathe
And sleep away my being
Into the bones I was born to be

The wooden floor is drenched in blood
That you have shed from your mouth
I pick up the teeth that you have lost
And question why I am so calm
Then I see myself losing my bones
Breaking into a body beaten down
To a nothingness that is mere ash
I am the residue of the hell I lived
A fear encompasses my flesh
From my core to my mind to the soul

I am scared beyond comprehension
Of all that lies beneath the dirt
I am decaying like them but yet...
I scream in the panic as the light dims
And I find myself sweating in the horror
Where have I gone to have come to this
I am nothing but the void in the sky
The discomfort has turned to agony
So I smile to hide the truth in my heart
He has no idea...They will never know
That I am simply broken like pixels

You can only see me if you look consciously
But I am a deceiver as is the media
I hide behind everything that molds me
Like cement I am hardened to be stepped on
I am the rotted apple you toss away
Because I lost my spirit in the war
That you sent me through by passion
Desire has killed me as has every sin
I am no longer here...I am dead to you
And to everyone who thinks they see

The hour strikes to midnight
And I find myself consumed
As these thoughts choke me
They grasp my mind intensely
Gripping me with every strength
I toss
I turn
No sleep
Just wonder
Regret from the past
Fear of the future
And hurt from today
I cannot seem to find control
No air to fill my lungs
Nor peace to calm my flesh
Just chaos in my head
Congesting me with vigor
I question everything I can
As I long for all that could be
And die to all that has been
I lay here empty in my soul
For giving up all that I sewed
The birds chirp as the sun rises
And my eyes sink deeper
As I think to the point of death
I burn from the exhaustions
I throb from the insomnia
Yet my body fights my flesh
That I gave up long ago

Deep beneath the willow I lay
Tangled in her rugged roots
Her hands grasp me for life
While I slowly lose my lungs
And her branches rain upon me
Soaking the soil just as my flesh
Swelling my body like salt
Burning my skin like tears in winter
I conclude that this is my fate
Dead in the life of the world
Alive in the truth of raging hearts
I am the weeping willow's daughter
The child trapped in her womb
Never birthed into a singing spirit
But just a rotted carcass
Clinging to anything that breathes

If he knew what lays beneath this skin
He would know that my heart beats
Like a voodoo drum in celebration
Strong and powerful filled with passion
I look upon the past in such regret
Wishing I would have taken your path
I want to walk with you through the woods
That ignite your spirit with hope
I long to to cross the river on a line
Like we had that day when we were friends
You confided in me as I did to you
And all the while I dreamed of us
He was there for me in all my struggle
I tried to be there in all his woe
You know I cared for you with every part
But I put you through the fire of my life
I had you walk on burning coals
That were conceived in my hell
I love you with every cell that composes me
However I know that all my words
Are absolute nothingness in your mind
Your world has no space for my flesh
And with this I brake into pieces
I disintegrate like dust in the wind
In the end I would do anything
To be in your arms and touch those lips
With my own in all the desire that lives
Within my soul and in my bare bones
You are there until I lay within my casket
My dear I apologize for all the strife
And yet I hold to my hearts needs for you
As I try to digress, my dear I love you

As I hear the piano keys sound
And each string from the guitar
I travel back to your tender arms
Where I found safety in all its truth
You do not know nor comprehend
How much you truly meant to me
And as the time passes nothing fades
The music continues on each day
My dreams capture you in purity
But in reality I am here without you
And my heart silently sobs daily
For I've lost the best thing I ever had
Because fear and uncertainty
Bonded to me in an unfamiliar place
Like a husband I served them
These things had broke me
And as I lay upon my empty bed
My mind inevitably thinks of you
I conceive every possibility
I shed every tear that sings longing
But you will never trust my heart
The way I had trusted you that day
I left every chain that tied me down
In hopes that I'd find a freedom
That only you will ever understand
Nonetheless I tossed it like dust
And it dissipated into the air
Yet I breathe it in and choke endlessly
On the wonder of all that was
And everything that could've been
Instead I'm consumed by the rush
Of a city that holds so many promises
But you are not within them
Leaving me hopeless of the future
Where you and I walk hand in hand
And I quietly die in the midst of it all

With all its bones and flesh
And veins that speak the soul
Tells a story in its movement
In the rhythm of the spirits song

When two bodies move about
Like birds in heat within the summer
They sing a song of passion
As they taste each other's sweat

The music continues to linger
Even if we no longer hear the sound
But these dancers drink the salt
They have longed to share

As every curve speaks through bends
And every touch tingles within
It is the body that shows us
That love knows every tongue

So let's write our stories in each step
And breathe each other into our cores
Where every bruise is bared
As our skin slowly strips itself

Let us all buzz around like bees
In pursuit of the flower's nectar
That creates the honey of our minds
To feed every heart the sweetness

Of the truth our shapes can speak
And let us be true in every beat
So that no lie can hide beneath us
And our bones can be white as snow

As I lived in the storms that you summoned
I found myself drowning in the flood
I searched for the surface, to breath again
But I only kicked and choked on the water
That surrounded my bones like skin

Through it all I swallowed the salt
And dried out my throat like a desert
Burning the tender flesh that was left barren
In the attempts of survival in this hell

But I relinquish everything I have to you
I have died a thousand ways in a single moment
In your arms as they broke me in every breath
Like the devil you have stolen my soul

Now I rest upon the concrete ground
Freezing the skeleton that is left of me
And as I slowly dissipate like dust in the wind
The wrath you've blown into my spirit takes control

I am left to a mere nothingness
That is devoid of all reality, a pure illusion
I do not exist by your tongue's curse
This is my grave they lay the flowers upon

So I digress in all my thought with all of me
I bow to every lie I’ve eaten in this life
And enslave myself to every man I know
Because I am not here and I am not alive

These memories are eternally inscribed  between my flesh and my bones
They have set sail in my tattered veins
Whispering waves into my blood stream
That crash softly into my old soul
And cleanse my mind of the hell I know
These memories dance upon my skin
Like words that linger from your lips
They tingle with a lovers passion
Like your bare skin pressed against my own
They comfort my heart when I'm in need
But destroy me when I cannot hide
And so I grasp upon the faint hope
That fate exists within this story
Even through the thickest of forrest
I wish to find your soul once again
So these memories won't fade away

Because there is more to be written and     more to be said and more to be felt

Like an illustrious knight who slain the dragon
You’ve left a memory that is carved in stone
But you are no warrior with a legacy
You are a boy whose dreams are illusory
As a spider in the mystery of the night
That has spun an intricate web of death
You catch your pray and gorge on them
The flies they fill your stomach to your throat
And there I am, stuck in this deceptive net
Where you’ve murdered my lustrous spirit
Through selfish lies inside a jar you gave to me
I believed in all the beauty I thought I saw
But I was blind by flesh and flesh alone
I saw the skin that was soaked in sweetest nectar
And like a starving dog, I hungered for it
I became the bee who served the lords
With this I tried to make a golden royal honey
From every piece of you I yearned for
Yet again I find myself caught in the delusion
You’ve led me to believe was verily true
My own naiveté has killed me by your bones
I blame you not of any pain that lives within my soul
I have sanded all of myself to nothingness
Because I wanted to believe in your sincerity
But as I swallowed every evil you fed to me
I  lost all sight of who I was and who you really are
So goodnight my master behind the curtain
You live inside of me and I am chained to you
Like a slave to the white man in times of strife
You beat me to a numbness without a single tear
And here I stand before the empty world where you are
A carcass who appears to be alive in every sense
The ultimate duplicity within this flawed reality
I am dead in all the meaning of the word
Yet still I find myself to love you oh my great Deceiver

I want to skin myself
And bare my bones
To forget the times
You touched my flesh
I’d like to massacre
This soul beneath it all
But emotions bind me
To the bed of my hell
Burning my spirit
Until it bleeds through
And my heart pounds
Violently choking me
A torment of delusion
That caused a fall
Within my deepest core
My mind and being
Itch until I see the blood
Because you're in there
Like a bat in the cave
You hear me, but never
Never will you see me

The vulture, the girl, the boy**
The door rumbled and chills ran down my spine
It was time, she said, to fall beneath her hell
As quickly as she unlocked the door
A burst of stale burning air rushed through
And her neck was wrung like a bird
She became the vultures prey
He gorged on her fragile frame
Crushing her like an empty soda can
The blood rushed through her skin
She was swollen and crimson on the surface
But black inside as death took shelter
She lost it all at last to the devils hands
He left her alone to fight the evil she was dealt
But she lost the war long before the battles
Her desires tasted like salt
Burning her wounds from all her life
They dried her out like a desert
Where she choked on sand that blinded her
The boy never knew how much she needed him
He’ll never know how much he meant
Since fear shackled her to the ground
And the vulture feasted on her heart
That caused her to leave without a sound

As I dance upon the bones
In the graveyard of my past
I begin to sink into oblivion
All sense of human dissipates
Like the flesh that has no breath
I feel the void of death
The emptiness within my soul
That left me long ago
I fall to my knees
Bruised and torn from a beating
That life so grotesquely gifts
I gorge on the dirt that buries the dead
Choking on the lies they all kept
Seeing right through them
As the ghost sees through life
And so I tell you my friend
The air that fills your lungs
Will be the murderer of us all
You breath the convoluted words
That cursed humanity in a kiss
So eat your demons with me
And walk upon the cemetery
That I have claimed my home

I've seen my bones
Through my sheer skin
By sins of many tones
In places I've never been

I've signed away my mind
To all the wonders I sought
And found myself blind
To all the truth that I fought

Now my frame is too weak
In it's pursuit to taste the water
Where the fish will speak
In the arms of the great potter

Instead I walk invisibly
With my blue veins to show
The grief I hid defensively
By the tongue of the crow

The butterflies have flown to the garden next door
Where I no longer feel their wings upon my silken skin
My mind sinks into the daydreams of a little girl
Who longs for fairy tales and mystic lands of splendor
But as my eyes shift and this vision begins to focus
I enter the cellar of what is the reality of today
A mere glimmer of hope shines through the window
However the stench of molding cement walls
Fills my lungs reminding me of the death I see
There is no field of wheat to run through
I lye on the bones of all the people I've killed
No flowers caress my skin and perfume my body
My flesh morphs into the skeletons I've kept
The dreams conceived by the child I had been
I have buried them beneath the pillow that I sleep upon
And yet as I rest my exhausted spirit in the night
I drift to no place and feel the heaviness of the day
As the sound of wind whistles through the cracks
Of the house that I claimed to be my home
I watch the life that exists outside of these walls
The leaves from the trees are brushing against the window
Trying to clean the dust that had built up throughout the years
My mind drifts to a sadistic state where I no longer exist
Just the carcass of myself in this empty coffin
The melodies of the night drown the noise of my demise
And in the end there is nothing left here, where I am
Not even the neighbor's garden, where the butterflies lived

everything is so lackluster
empty as the carcass of a crow
the sounds of breaking glass
between these rotting teeth
play the melody of this room
filled with last years stale bread
dry and hard like the boulder in sand
the coffee tastes bitter on my tongue
and this smoke fills my lungs
with the false hope of a future
the rain beats upon the tin roof
and the cries of all the people
are masked like a bride on her day
but the joy does not linger
no smiles warm like summer skies
just dim light from the setting sun
a wishful feeling of more to come
as the night sets in to end the day
we will become the wolves
the sons and daughters of the moon
howling our lamentations
of lost life in the eves of yesterday
we are children of a time that never was
the spirits of this ephemeral space
A place that existed in the hell of death
That never really was attained
so rest your mind upon the grave
we never were and never will be