on the dotted line, sign the lease;
it's a deal for your inner peace.
where you sell your soul for a sum
in a hope that they tell no one.
you pray that the paper doesn't sell,
the fact that you have a one way ticket to hell.

as the sun rises, a california poppy blooms...

awake, face-to-face, in a dream haze i  see you.
blue body, your body is blue.
still, i can see your body still.
waiting for the final release, we both broke free.
chains, chains that held us both onto each other.
there's nothing like a bond between daughter and mother.
when, when we found your body pale and blue.
prayed we did, in hopes that we would still get to see you.
pumping into lifeless veins, so little oxygen remained.
cold, still, and dead you were.
the only conclusion is that you were gone, it was what was left to concur.

but,
i still see you, hear you, and breathe you.

because,

as the sun rises, a california poppy blooms...

they remind me of you mom,
i can hear the petals rustle softly and know you're with me,
i can exchange oxygen with it, in hopes that it won't lose the battle of life this time around.

it's not fully heartbreak,
but because of this whole mess my heart now has an ache.
i want to feel like you love me still,
but what if what happened is like our relationship's seal.
i love you more than you know,
please tell me we aren't at the end, and at an all time low.

words, you reap and sow them,
so with words i am writing a poem.
words are harsh at times,
just like ugly, janky rhymes.
sometimes we use them to plot,
and it turns out those feelings churn in our stomach as a knot.
to believe words is an inclination to trust,
but without trust a relationship can decay and rust.
how is it that i can't articulate,
the words that get mechanical and perpetuate.
honesty with words is something new,
but you don't see that my honesty is something you already have seen and knew.
if we are our words then who are our actions,
and why do we act with different reactions?

i've been waiting for someone like you for my whole life.
and i hope that someday, a few years from now, if things keep going well, i get to be your wife.
because looking in your eyes, i feel like i'm safe and sound.
and when i'm feeling lost and alone, i know that with you, i would be found.
i sometimes feel crazy admitting that i'm absolutely in love.
but i know that every day i thank whoever is up in the sky above.
because they led me to you by some shallow-started state.
but maybe just maybe, i'm beginning to believe that you are my fate.

a few months ago i was without someone and lonely,
but now he's become my first and could someday be my only.
i feel scared because i'm used to him
and someday what we have, could dim.
in all honesty i hope it never will
or else i don't know how i'll deal,
because the happiness i've found
is truthfully, all that profound.

and maybe it's all the little things...
all the words you've said,
all the times we've laid together in bed,
all the ways you show you care,
all the times you're with me when life is hard to bear,
not because i can't do it on my own like i have before,
but because i think you actually care and are a person that in turn, i care for.
in all these little things that i've grown to see,
i hope i can become a better woman, one that you might need me to be,
i want to comfort you if you need it most,
be the first girl there to be proud of your accomplishments and raise a toast,
i never want to hurt you,
but i want to always apologize if i ever do.
in all the little things one thing is clear to me,
you're the only man for however long we may be a 'we', that i want to see,
in all honesty i was afraid of trusting you with my heart,
but now i see that you've slowly just become a main part,
you're everything that i've ever hoped for,
and i hope you know that you mean all of these things above and more.

i write most of these poems when i'm hurt or upset.
but also when i feel like i went wrong or have something i said that i regret.
it's to clear my thoughts and imagination.
to give myself time to think with very little hesitation.
it's never that i don't want you as the person in my life.
but rather me handling any fear i've felt and my inner strife.

people say that from up above you can hear,
but what if all i want and need is for you to be near.
so i can get angry and upset one last time,
so that i can hold onto you and write you one last rhyme.
if you're not around in my life anymore,
how can i heal from the pain that's in my heart at its core.
how can i talk to someone who isn't there,
if you won't answer and i only see those lifeless eyes stare.
you're in an abyss, a place unknown,
and god only knows if you're trying to find your way back home.
i know, i know, you won't be coming back,
but the feeling of having no mother is starting to make my heart crack.

as these roots grow deeper,
the seeds of love grow eager,
they want to strive
for a deeper thirst in which they dive.

boom, a sprout begins to bloom.

someday very soon,
under the sun, not the moon,
our petals blossom and display,
our feelings at which we kept at bay.

it's been three months that together, we've been through
and by some chance, somehow, i still want to keep waking up everyday and choose you.
maybe it's because you make me a little more brave
or maybe because when i'm with you i don't feel like a damsel in distress you have to save.
yes, i still struggle with my irrational and pointless insecurity
but being with, and loving you has become my priority.
i'm no longer afraid of falling, as i was before
because being in love with you and who i'm getting to know, has never been a bore.

why is it that poetry?
is the one thing that lets me work through my anxiety...
why is it that poetry?
gives me one of the only chances i get to feel alright and free...
why is it that poetry?
sometimes no longer makes my mind feel more calm put together to a t...

the tears rush out along with heavy heaving
i hate that you didn't tell me you were leaving
i'm getting tired of this entire process of grieving

mom, what can i do?
i desperately want to be there for you.
but you bring your lips to the bottle,
and it makes your head spin in full throttle,
you don't want the help from your family,
so someday you'll change your mind for yourself, hopefully.

picture this
growing old with someone you love
that you look across the table every morning and thank the heavens above
picture this
someone who is willing to give up their time
because they like interpreting all your riddles and rhymes
picture this
someone who holds your hand as they drive
someone isn't afraid of being vulnerable and ready to take the dive
picture this
all the hopeless-romantic love songs suddenly mean something
because you've finally found the one who has everything

she was freezing cold
life without him though, would be so much colder
she was afraid of growing old
but with him, she wouldn't mind getting older
for he was always quite bold
and that passion is making her become someone bolder

why do we all suffer and live crying
why do we all sometimes contemplate dying
why do we all go through life hiding how we truly feel by lying
why do we all feel lonely but continue complaining online and alone whilst sighing
why do we turn away when we see others crying
why do we have to experience loved ones dying
why do we continue hurting others by lying
why do we not hear our world collectively sighing

the poem i wrote, i titled 'insecurity'
it's funny that it was dedicated to someone else, but now i'm writing about me
it's something consuming the person that i soon will be

all i ever want to do
is to kiss you
that's a little white lie
because i'm kind of shy
admitting that the real show
your soul is what i want to know
i'm afraid that the me that is real
is something you'll have to peel
and see that underneath
i'm sharp and foreign and bite like teeth
so to keep this sort of brief
i'll still turn over a new leaf
and hope you'll love all of me
and still be the only girl you see

give me a sign,
that you are mine,
so i can say the line,
despite the short time,
that love is not a crime.

we are moving so fast, and i can't seem to stop the spell that's been cast.
fear grips onto me, yet nonetheless he's the only one i want to see.
we have a fifty percent chance that we'll crash and burn, but i'm okay with that despite my concern.
he says he like me too, but what if he isn't truly wanting to pursue.
in the end though that's a relationship, we have to trust that we won't let the other slip.