A megaphone is a device
Used to amplify sound, most commonly speech
Into the ears of the masses gathered around
Usually in an act of protest.
It's an electrically powered portable amplifier
But I don't possess one.
Not yet, anyway. But I know someone who does.
Someone who's shouts of frustration cause pity and anger at the same time.
The person I'm living with, isn't that divine.
I'm stuck between sympathizing and bewildering blind fury
Her condition is not through fault of her own but surely
She can stop taking her frustrations and misplaced aggression out on me.
I wish I knew how to stop her pain, stop her anger.
I wish I could do that without it destroying me.
And, mother I doubt you'll read this but on the off chance that you do.
I love you. But I don't know what else that I can do.
I'm learning to carry a house hold on my shoulders, and I can't do that if you keep taking crowbars to my knees.
But, I fear it might be too late that that fact is what you'll see.

I've asked a lot of questions about you
I've noticed it's a theme in my rhymes,
Haven't you?

I'm odd like 5/7 time, so maybe it's just how my mind works
But, all of them are answered in spades whenever I look into your eyes

And when I touch your soft skin I can't help but flash an awkward grin
Because something about you, each time just brings something up within

Your voice caresses my ears, I'm addicted to the comfort it provides with each listen.
In short, your words are spoken into my soul, and like a diamond you glisten.

I can daydream in words
For days it seems
But somehow when I try to describe
What you mean to me
I stumble and slip
Over rhymes I flip
Syllabic puzzles thrown at me to remain confounded
It's astounding what you've done
You've turned the night back into a rising sun
And yet somehow
I stumble on how to say
How appreciative I am of you
Each and every day
I know it's not much, but
This is the best I can do for you.
Is to say these 3 words

I love you

You know
I'm as scared of the future as anyone else is
What else is there to say? I've got fears like any other being
There but for the grace of God go I
Again into the unknown
I wish I knew how or what to say
To those that mean well, but won't let me go my way
On my own path into the sun
Sink or swim it's my life to live
Leave it be
Stop it please
Stop with the ether soaked rag you call good intentions

Stop suffocating me

I don't think you'll be surprised
But I've had you running through my mind
Like a certain blue hedgehog
Quite frequently I find
That smile, so cute and innocent
Its like sugar for my eyes

But... the thoughts going through my mind
Haven't all been pure
I may not know the pleasures of the flesh
But id be more than happy to discover them with you, of that you can be sure

I want to create paintings on your body with my hands and lips
To taste the passion in your voice, and off both sets of lips
You're a diamond and I want to make your ***** shine like the gem you are

In other words, I want to make you feel like a work of art.

Now, I'm not much of a visual artist
I'm more of a wordsmith
But
You're a marvel to visualize
Like eggs made right you're easy on the eyes
From the top of your head to the tips of your toes
I can't help myself, something about you caught my eye
Like Salvador Dali you've become a persistent memory
Or like Van Gogh, on a starry night
You make my eyes swirl up and down and all around
Beholding you in every kind of light
Iconic like the Mona Lisa, you could guide your own renaissance...

Oh spring
Can you return please?
I miss the sun gently kissing my skin
Walking barefoot on grass, no cares given.
The breeze gently tickling my hair
The water near my home, I miss swimming there.
I desperately crave those long nights and friends with which time spent
Adds up to memories to take with us at the end of our days
Oh spring, can you come back again?

I've been adrift before
On memories and happiness
On sunshine and rain
Falling from my face
But now im on a bit of a new drift
On one of misplaced trust
I guess

I've got a story to tell
I'm not very good at this sorta thing, but hell
I'll give it the college try so if it *****, oh well.

Allow me to tell you a story about my pathetic love life
I met a girl that seemed too good to be true
Had quite a bit in common and scratched those itches
What is this, odd thing im feeling
Who knows it's probably nothing
Anyway we talked very frequently and grew close
At least to the point where we felt comfy sharing intimate thoughts competently

After a little while I wanted to ask her out
Only to find out, on valentine's day no less
That's shes taken
****... another story going behind these drinks

I can smile again,
I can feel the weight
Lifting off my shoulders.
The tears I cried now dry on the concrete

The memories fading with the setting of the sun
I'm going to be here, still. Like the half circle in the missing piece just rolling along

I'm not done. Far from it. In fact I've just begun.

I can smile again.

You can tell a lot about someone
By the music they listen to
I haven't listened to a love song in quite a bit
Of time.
Not because I don't like them, I like to think I'm not that cynical
But
I guess taking some punches to the gut from love made me rethink my playlists
Constantly hitting skip
Until just now
Cause it's when you're down that you truly understand lyrics

The song? "Try a little tenderness."

What can you do
When you can't give someone a third of what they deserve?
Where can you find some more happiness to fill their eyes?
Why does this seem to happen to me all the time? I meet someone amazing and yet I still feel like I'm not worth anyone's time?

But enough with the self deprecation
For once my heart and head are United, unlike the nations
But this sensation, this feeling won't go away like pain without aspirin or julie Andrew's in a shop for sashes

What can you do? Leave it all on the table and hope they grab it

I'm a cherub but i'm far
From innocent
But even my somewhat prepared self
Was far from ready for this.

We met and she made her intentions clear.
Over some drinks at a bar
"I just got out of a relationship and I need
Someone to take my mind off it, think you're up for the job?"

I was shocked at her brutal honesty
So I nodded in agreement
Hoping that maybe, just maybe
I don't wander too far off the deep end
With her this evening...

Kiss of life?
More like lips I've never touched because I had about as much Appeal as a rotten banana during my formative years
No tears now cause that was ages ago and as time goes on unstoppable like an Amtrak train
I'll maintain something close to esteem of myself while not holding too much for anyone else
What else can I write complexly laid rhymes about besides lack of esteem and crippling self doubt like Nathan Peterman after 2 pick 6's during another buffalo Bill's rout.
Kiss of life?

What's a kiss even like?

Ever see a face and see nothing but reassurance?
I know it's an odd sentiment but i'm going to need you to let me explain
This thought that's on my brain
It's insane I know, but when I see your face
Im reassured somehow, that things will be alright
When I see your eyes somehow I find peace only rivaled by chamomile tea
When I see your smile I feel butterflies and feel hope in my chest and nothing but thoughts reminiscent of beautiful music take residence behind my eyes...

I know it's a strange sentiment but I hope you understand the compliment

I've written about desire
but I haven't written about those feelings
being fulfilled in a long while
to feel the heat of two united as one
to burn with passion after the sun falls and the moon rises.
to see a higher hunger, a new kind of wanting in their eyes.
Unable ti be hidden or disguised
like the starship enterprise
that's fulfillment in my eyes.

I haven't written about desire
In a little while,
Ever just want to feel
Someone's presence?
Someone's soft skin against your own?
That's my desire
I guess i'm starved for affection which is what's causing
This strange inflection
To my words written and thought out
But with no doubt
Desire is a powerful weapon
An animal not to be tamed or contained
Desire... it can drive some people up more walls than a spider.

I wish I could make her toes curl like the end of fitted sheets
But i'll probably disappoint then like Fox's casting of Mystique
I wish I could command attention without saying a word
But to do that I'd have to have charisma, wait... what's that a bird?
No it's a trait that I don't possess.
I guess you can't correct a problem you don't know how to solve
The truth is i'm so easily worn out I don't know what to do at all
Not physically but socially, that batteries drained
I'd complain but my lack of confidence weighs enough on my brain

But let's get back on track with this train
I hope that I can make her squeal with a kiss and spill passion with a hug
But I'd actually have to be desirable, unlike, say a Chagas bug.
Hell the bug might have better luck than me
I guess that's why I have to express myself lyrically
Because my head goes one way and my mouth another
Just forget it I'd be hopeless as a lover...

They say that team work
Makes the dream work
Well... if that's true then boy do I have a
Surprise for you
My head and mouth couldn't get on the same page even if they were two periods in a book.
And it's far from a good luck. Matter of fact it could crack a mirror purely out of frustration in my case
I feel like my will for making this work has been debased
I can't even find the strength to debate this with what's left of my self, oh well...

-Neroamee Alucard

There's that stinking
Sinking feeling
In the pit
Of my brain

"You're a burden.
Dead weight
Carry your load
You're better off
Being nothing
But vapor in the air"

I've run from this feeling
By writing
Escaping into the page
Expressing sadness, lust and outrage
Into these words Instead of a shameful display
But how can you run from something
That follows you night and day?
Try as you might to escape...

Looking into a blank page is one of the most harrowing experiences you can undertake
The whole thing changes with every line you write, every brushstroke you make
Every risk you take on the page may not always be indelible
They can be erased from the paper but not the mind, aside from intervention that happens to be divine
But the mind twins spins twists and does the splits for the creative... maybe it needs to rest once in awhile as it spills like lactating... even though mine is far from the best.

I cant sit on a thought
For crap lately, so maybe i should get off the
***.
Not smoking i am sober as a button but
My head's turned into rotten mutton, it's disgusting what is said lately, no discussion
Or debate needed. To far is too far like that time i had one too many white Russians.

But, the heck with it maybe the words will find their way into line, rhythmic meter and rhyme and with time a poem will come together like the Beatles and be reflective like a bold and proud bald eagle

This honestly could be a series
About what the eyes, the windows to the soul
Simply cannot see.
They aren't able to register someone feeling like they're falling apart
Or someone like me who can't seem to bring it together
But it's whatever.
The eyes can't see years of name calling throughout school to cackling laughter
Feeling alone and wondering if you can get yourself
And some rope up to the gym rafters
I'll have you know that the eyes are pricelessly important organs needed for our everyday lives
But sometimes, sometimes i do wish we as a society could see

What our eyes simply cannot see.

I'm not one for recreating my mistakes repeating yourself is for the birds like  hitchcock or however that old saying goes
To show that maybe this can be done right
This time, and as i plotted this rhyme out
Like Dr. Doom in comic books i grew shook like Havoc on that classic queensbridge beat
As i sat and thought, what could this mean?
Has that cloud of cynicism left and overpowered my lyricism I'm not much of a wordsmith to begin with but sxxt if this is what it takes to make what could've been great
Then around the corner I'll bend if it means we can try again...

Shiki zoku se kuu means
Form is emptiness.
How do you write based off of a quote
When the quote can be a poem
On its own?

Form is emptiness
Is an odd sentiment to express
My physical form is far from empty
As i wouldn't be writing if it was, you see
But is my spirit empty?
Is my mind unfortunately empty?

So many questions, so little time

-Neroamee Alucard

I dont write these words down thinking about how they will be perceived and read and interpreted long after I'm buried and dead.
But i want it to be made totally clear, hell put it on my gravestones head.

Im a proud snowflake, yes that's what i said.

What you see a slanderous term i see as a badge of honor.
I'll take your harsh comments and generalizations about my generation gladly, because we saw the world was going to **** us over and we said "no more, not again."
When you call us entitled, we simply laugh. because you benefited from a system that ***** what little life we have left out of us. You prospered ad infinitium while what little hope we had turned to dust.
We're a group of people that did everything you said, go to school, work hard, and we still saw the economy you put gaping holes into collapse like the tunnel of a mole.

Those jobs you promised... gone with the wind like Scarlett O'Hara. But allow me to clarify in that i know that not all of you are so stuck in your roots and ways that its frightening. But i will say that we're tired of trying to recapture that same lightning.
I'm tired of being told I'm too young to know what life will do... it'll ******* the first chance it gets and if not itll **** you.
And as i close this out i want to leave no doubt in your minds

I would rather see those younger than me protesting against violent crimes than watching funeral Homes with longer and longer lines.

The biggest mistake our society made
Was thinking all of our experiences are universal, one in the same
So know when we say society is to blame
We can look back now at this mistake we made.

Although our paths may cross our roads are very different
We can intersect and end up in different places spaces occupied by life's unchanging eyes
But despite this interplay and crossroading we still can't seem to find harmony despite all our advances and abilities to share our lives and perspectives with others
For all the hate i see out there, you'd think there'd be just as many lovers

The biggest mistake our society made
Was thinking all of our experiences are universal, one in the same
So know when we say society is to blame
We can look back now at this mistake we made.

There are so many voices in this global choir
So many choices at the places we go to, it takes less energy to love and unite and we perspire to hate and divide, not aspire to be as one gigantic family under the sun
And if not now, then when will that wonderful day come?

The biggest mistake our society made
Was thinking all of our experiences are universal, one in the same
So know when we say society is to blame
We can look back now at this mistake we made.

I rolled over.
I was asleep, but then.... nothing
Again.
Air and emptiness
Darkness laughing in my face
No one there occupying this space
No face to gently smile at,
No soft body to hold onto,
No one person who i know has my back.

I smiled and thought, "how did it end up this way?"
And then i remembered "oh right everyone I've ever cared about lives arbitrarily far away."
See,  whenever i meet someone new my brain goes on shuffle with no pause button, tangents fly like seagulls and eagles in every single discussion

My own brain is responsible for the love i lack
So i rolled over the other way, turning my back...

-Neroamee Alucard

"You're handsome nephew, how are you single?"
Im not auntie, but thanks for the compliment.
I know mirrors lie and photographs exaggerate
But I'm not when i say I've never felt any reason
To truly believe that statement
Its grated into my head that I'm... just there in all reality
Not exemplary, not on the other side of unpresentable
Just... there.

"But you're so sweet anyone would be lucky to have you!"

I mean i try to not be an inconsiderate pile of garbage because that's not how i was raised to behave but for some reason not being argumentative over the littlest things or going out cheating is misconstrued as a lack of testosterone or an unwillingness to stand up for myself or my own... that's part of why i take my feelings out not on my S.O. but in poems...

"You'll find someone eventually!"
I appreciate the thought but i doubt it seriously
I'm serially alone, which someone will have to work a near miracle to overcome
But no one is gonna do that, so alone I'll remain like i live on the other side of the sun

I'm single.
And it has obvious benefits
I don't have to share my food, and i won't be yelled at for occasionally being emotionally
Oblivious.
But I'm a mess too, a disaster that no one wants a part of, but i guess that's why I'm apart from most everyone.

I'm single
Because it takes courage to love, courage that i don't have anymore because I've cried too much like a purple dove.
Everyday i see random couples out there in the streets under the spell of love
And being crippled by the hooks of loneliness i look up above and wonder what sin did i commit?
Can i change this sentence with a legal team and a habeus corpus writ?

I'm single
And cynical, growing more everyday.
I can't even appreciate a love song anymore, i know i sound crazed.
But you'd feel the same if everyday
You die just a bit more inside with each affectionate display.

I'm single
Because i can't offer anything but myself
No wealth, mediocre at best looks, and at best average health.
I'm a wreck no one wants to fix... so I'll do it without help.

You know, I've written about love
Or the lack thereof in my life quite a lot
And I've been holding this in so long its ******* my intestines in knots
So I'm going to say this know before i blow up my spot.

******* Valentine's day, go and rot.

I hate feeling pressured to buy, buy, buy!
"If you love her you'll go into debt up to your eyes!
 If i loved her id show it, not rely on breaking my credit into pieces you greedy ****** its
A **** frustrating thing to deal with in a relationship. But being single might be just that little bit worse

Like being paddled for a college initiation, there's very few things worse.
Well, maybe joining my love life in the back of a hearse
Geez, that hurts.
But seeing all the lovely couples around town
Drinking coffee, being cute, just drives that nail further into the ground.
Reminding me that I'm about as desirable as a ****** without buck teeth, or Brad Garret refusing to frown.

******* Valentine's day, I'm sick of you bringing me down

Know what the worst thing is
Its not wanting to be a burden
But still finding yourself feeling weak
And powerless, i doubt its just me
That feels this way, you don't want to be worrying anyone you care about even though you know that worry comes from a place of love
You want no one to have to worry, even if you don't know itll be alright
Despite this, i write this to tell you that you can't live your life chasing spirits and piecing together long broken wounds, but you also can't assume that doom and gloom will follow your life from front to back and side to side

So never. Ever. Give up. Till the last stand we broken souls will fight

I'm pretty sure people have told you
You're beautiful, bur have they showed you
Their need for you, in those sweatpants at 3 am at the store
Or when you don't have makeup on not feeling your best
Have they still seen that same beauty, as if you were at the oscars dressed to impress?
Has anyone kissed you so deeply, it melts your soul?
Has anyone held you tight, and you prayed you didnt have to let go?

They have? Well you're one fortunate soul...

I'm not a moral compass
I can't say what's right
But
I can say that what i want to do
tonight
Is definitely wrong
And i want it to last
As long as i can
I want you to be satisfied
With red marks on your back and ***
And pleasure induced tears in your eyes
Despite
My inexperience i aim to please
I hope i can fulfill your needs...
And i can't accomplish that I'll at least have done the Deed

-Neroamee Alucard

Pride, it's a troubling thing to deal with
Hell, it's enough to spilt
A family. Which is what you did,  you damaged us irreparably, i barely saw you through the last of my formative years. I was unprepared facing those ever hateful teenage fears
Had you been around you might've saved me from running myself into the ground
But I'm all grown up now, and you missed out on so much
You have nieces and nephews that haven't seen your face or even know you exist, but despite all of this i still love you and i hope one day your pride will fall.
And we can finally be a family, once and for all

I wonder what its like to look at a mirror, stare at your reflection and not want to reject it
Eject it into a vat of ether so it burns slow like tuna casserole
I know i shouldn't be writing about these things but its been haunting me since i was 16
Still young and somewhat pristine but no one went my way like cards on a riverboat, I've hid that feeling for a long time with an overcoat
Made of self deprecation and little derivation from that formula of running from things i cant see, but you cant avoid your own feelings
When they hammer into you like nails on a wall,
Its a winder I'm still standing up posted like a ghostbuster in city hall...

I wouldve been gone years ago, bur music saved me y'all.

I began to wonder something
Why is it we demonize when we disagree
Politically?
And then it hit me, most of the time
Its because you haven't seen the world from behind someone else's eyes.

Have you ever been bullied, beaten, or otherwise threatened, simply because of your last name having a Spanish accent or because your skin has the chemical melanin?

Have you ever been close to execution because of your faith?
Or are you too busy making sure that yours is the one in majority that remains,
Have you ever been thrown out because of who you love

Or because these things have never happened to you.. you don't have the sense of empathy to understand that experience like people aren't uniformly made, because thats what makes humanity great

Though our outsides and lives are different, inside we're the same.

Let's see
When she visits I'll need
Rubbers, fresh and non latex
Oil to rub in gently
To work my arms out
To prevent pain whilst issuing it out
Whips, and maybe a couple of paddles and
Chains
Because i know she's into pain
Maybe even an umbrella, or a nicely made cane
....
I think thats it
Ive quite the checklist!

Why is hypocrisy
So easy for someone else to see
But if its your outdated and antiquated
Ideals being presented in a way that
Is blunt and an affront to every stride we
Made forward as a society

Why did people think the orange menace was a good idea? Please indulge my curiosity
Aside from e-mails proven to be inconsequential
And the fact that a black men held the highest office in our nation and somehow that made the bitter members of the **** even more miserable

Why did you honestly think
That someone with no political experience would be
Qualified to hold office? Honestly...

What do you do
If you're just alone
And you're reminded constantly
Of the love you can't have, or hope
To control
You become the third wheel
An unnecessary addition to a plan
And you build up walls
That no one will bring down
The smile leaves your face
Like its training for a race
And where it was resides a scowl.

You cry where no one can see
Inside your soul as your heart continues slowly breaking
And your mind keeps on baking
You wonder "what am i supposed to be doing?"
"Why am i riding these coattails, to what is life grooming me for?"

You become third wheel
An unneeded piece, or a living disease...

I look at the sketches i left in my notepads
I wonder what would these works say if they
Could be brought into corporeal exsistence
If they could be animated, the things ive created.
If the words I'd written down in my phone and in various notebooks
I stop and then i look
Rattled again, im still shook
I had this happen again
The dreams end when i put down my pen
And my heart, yet again decides to soften
...

What are the souls of the creative and awkward to do when...

As I'm sure you're aware
Ive always felt that the bee gees harmonies
And melodies
Are near without compare
But as i hear the song
You know which one
I crack inside a bit more
Because i think of her
And how she can't be near
Here with me
So we can be two lost souls
Intertwined for eternity
I can't understand why fate loves to ***** with me
The distance between us already boggles the mind, one would think that'd be enough
But she's going away, for at least a month...
Its hard enough with consistent communication
But this just adds a bit more fire to this situation I'm placed in

How deep is your love you ask? For you deeper than an ocean

Hello
My name is Nero
And I'm a cynical *******.
I've been a cynic for some years now
And it seems though i try to escape it
In other's relations i continue to drown
I try not to bring others down
But
Its hard to ignore a pronounced frown
Or ignore words and wounds that refuse to calm down
Or your own insecurities screaming "YOU DON'T DESERVE WHAT THEY HAVE!" "GIVE UP AND MAYBE YOUR PATHETIC EXISTENCE WILL BE SLIGHTLY LESS SAD!!"
And on the other side the music that defines my life plays along with another voice saying that you can be better, if not for yourself than for someone else
Her specifically because even though you're at the bottom to please her you need no wealth
All you need is time and effort
But then the other voice screams "EFFORT IS A WASTE LIKE YOU YOU BLACK BLEMISH ON OCCUPIED SPACE!"

And as these voices battle, my mind rattles and heart shakes
Seeing the love others show when all that comes and goes like a chameleon, that maybe I'll just be someone's mistake...

There's a sign there
A stick person in a wheel chair
And i know its intent
And whoever made it
Is currently paying their rent
But
A sign can only say so much.

A sign wont capture the staring
The misguided attentions from people in a state of caring
The glaring into the sun
Kids wondering "what have they become?"

Human curiosity is a wonderful thing
But that doesn't lessen the impact
Of ignorance's sting.

That lip you bite
That "take me" look in your eyes
That grin on your face
No matter what time or place
Gets my head into a lust ridden space
I go insane
To hear you scream my name
I think I've made this
Simple and plain
You've got a reserved space in my brain
The hormones cant be contained

Suffice it to say, the things you do drive me insane ;)

Why is it that what i hate
About what i am
Is what endears me to others
Am i the opposite
Of what i was intended to be?
If so this practical joke
Has crossed the line from funny to cruelty.

I hate not knowing what to say
I hate my shy dispensation
But others love my pathetic attempts
As a presentable representation
Of a functioning human being
I'm not and that's no lie.

So where does anyone see any appeal?
Am i blind or do my very eyes lie?

If i could make sense of these screams could you quiet them?
Silence them like a billion violins with plucked strings
Please end the ticks and static buzzes floating from neutron to atom to neuron to cell
Just still my mind for once so i can end this Hell
Let me be at peace with myself
Then maybe I'll be able to accrue some kind of wealth
Monetary or mentally im meant to be something, what exactly i don't know
I hope i find out soon because this wild world is still very cold.

-Neroamee_Alucard

Visualized the realism of life in actuality
**** who's the baddest a person's status depends on salary
And that mentality is, slowly killing this nation
Communities rotting from the inside out like bologna in a bad situation
Misplaced intentions and corrupt politicians
Doomed this land like pollution will if left unchecked, these situations can be corrected if hope is injected back into us like vitamin boosters we can't survive in hoovervilles in all but name but no one person carries blame its a shame we can't unite to fight the good fight again

I'm holding on to hope but its difficult friends

I don't garden much
But
I do have a flower
Red with paisley highlights
A green stem, sharp and bright.
And leaves pretty as the summers day.

And sometimes a storm comes,
And im hapoy to go back outside
And put that *** with the whole in the bottom
To give it protection, because it will need that in this weird life...

Im unusable
Maybe unlovable
But i know one thing
I'm certainly uncrushable
If you see appeal
I apologize for clearly your eyes lied
Or my mirror is going blind
I know beauty is by the beholder defined
But clearly the ball was dropped in the case of mine

So why try? I'll get shot down
Why paste on a smile when its easier to scowl
Why be subtle, why cant we be upfront?
Then maybe I'll no longer be a cynical cxnt

Have you ever given yourself a second chance?
Not every mistake you make has to result in a Donna Summer.
A Donna Summer?
Yeah another self imposed last dance.
You'll never get anywhere flawless My friend.
So allow yourself those ***** ups because the most important thing from them is the lessons

I realize know ive been living with ine hand behind my back
So from now I'll make peace with the things i lack
And use my strengths to make an even greater comeback!