I've been counting
It's been roughly I'd say 64 days since I thought of you
Let's just say this is my relapse
Ha..
I mean when I think of it now I thought of you at least once daily during those 64 days
To remember to not remember your face
To remember to remind myself not to try to remember your voice
To remember to remind myself that talking and thinking about you wouldn't bring you back
I guess this was the ****** of my relapse on the negative scale
But it's alright I'll start fresh at exactly midnight
And I'll remember to remind myself not to remember the last relapse
You would second guess my ability to remember and slip a little reminder in my phone and just to be safe you'd stick a note on the refrigerator door
Your favorite food was leftovers
Your reason was something poetic like you enjoyed the ability to make use of the forgotten scraps of a previous nights meal
Stop.
Reset.
Reset why?
Reset to remember to forget that when I think I hear your voice that it's just my mind playing tricks on me
Reset to remember that staring at our picture won't open the vortex to **** me back in time
Reset to forget you
****
Reset you
reset you
reset you
Reset y-****
Deep breath
Separate myself
Lick a finger and divide the pages stuck together
This is a new page.
I will pick up the pencil and write
Day 1 of a clear head

When I think of you I hear a baseball game.
Thousands screaming around us as the 2nd baseman gets the second out at the bottom of the 5th
Thousands of voice waves fill the stadium
For once my ADHD clogged mind is able to focus on one single thing
You.

When the thought of you crosses my mind
I remember car rides
Aimlessly driving
Like time, the car flys
Blurry lights
Red light
We blow through it
Your arm like a switch blade
Cuts aross my chest
Time slows and you say
"Sorry it's me being protective
I guess a force of habit."

When your name slides into my brain through one of the holes in my face
I am graced with the memory of silence
Silence at 4:03am in the morning
I learn you're a silent crier

If I ever glance at the clock at 5:13 in the morning
My photographic memory will play for me
That time of us laying under the trees
Watching the night fade
Then attempting to figure out
How to get me inside without waking up my parents

When you dwell in my head I remember a few lessons
You taught me patience
Patience is good for the young naive soul

6 months of silence and suddenly the memory is no longer sweet
I think of you less
I receive a letter every few weeks
You sign your name with a heart
PS a promise that you'll be coming home soon
6 months ago I promised I'd wait for you

Lover I am lonely
I crave your arms and only your arms to hold me
But it's been 26 weeks without you and my patience is growing ever so weak

Without you my heart is calm
My head is quiet
Every worry is neatly tucked away where it belongs
Then one day out of the blue you called
You called and you compared me to objects hidden in the fog
You said
You couldn’t quite see me
But I thought, you wandered these streets every day
Then you said
You knew I was somewhere
You just couldn’t remember the place
I guess you didn’t want me to be in your way
But then I heard you say
That you didn’t want to hit me
Or hurt me in any way
You continued to say
There was this fire ablaze in your chest
I was a passion so toxic yet more cunning than the rest
I put your better judgement to the test
Then you confessed
Without me your head would be a mess
That comparing me to the fog was twisting your heart
That within it held truth
Your fear escaped the incarcerating bars of your lips
That everything you ever wanted was so close yet so far
You feared taking time from me
You begged to see me this week
Weakly I agreed
When I saw you
You said you didn’t want to rob me of my time
You held my cheeks and whispered sweet
“When you could be out there discovering who you are.”
Then you softly said
These words forever embedded in my head
“But you’ll always own a piece of my heart.”
No no no I will not give in
You continued
“When I have children they’ll ask me about my first love
And I’ll tell them who you are
I’ll explain that I allowed you to break my heart
That I should’ve known from the start that when two souls like ours meet
It will never end well”
        Finally silence set
        I looked to you and said
        Love when the fog lifts back into the sky
        When your world is finally clear
        It will be easy to see
        That I am fear
        Fear is chance

When you miss someone
The amount of time they are away shouldn't matter
You miss them the same on the last minute of their absence as you did on the very first moment they left your sight

Gemini lover
Spontaneous man
Always second guessing where we stand
Frigid nights with you seem awfully warm
Crack the door a little to release the warmth
I take my eyes off of you for a second
And suddenly your presence is no more
June lover
Where have you gone?

Evaporate
        Into the sky
Return to this earth another time
        We will procrastinate in the wake of your
Return
         Isn't it funny
How the earth senselessly turns
         Everything happens for a reason
Each thought derives from a soul
          Each day words are caged in fear of treason
Isn't it funny how often we forget to
           Listen
Ah!  But certainly if the earth can turn without being noticed
           Then some words can be silenced
For they may lack a purpose
           Imagine the chaos that would erupt if
One day everyone
           Listened
The population of this world would fall
           Silent
To hear the earth's whisper
          My what a horrid
Picture

Before him I was the cautious type
Now I sat across the table from him
At last chance bloomed to life
Around him I swear I felt the warmth of the sun’s golden light
No
Young heart don’t fall for it
You’re just a little tired
Or maybe your guard is down tonight
Avoid him
If he asks for another date
Deny
Deny the chance of happiness
On the bright side you’ll save your heart from a shattering death
I said to myself
Don’t play with fire
But I guess deep down lived a dormant pyromaniac
He found a crack
Wiggled his way in
Cleared out years worth of dust and spider webs
He began to make a home in my heart
What is a home without a light
He flipped the switch bringing illuminating life
It was then I felt everything I thought I had known fall apart
This was the start
The start to a work of art titled ‘Chance’
I chanced all my chips
In return I won his lips
His sunset kiss
        My very first chance made my heart race
        Like sand to the eye
        I wanted so badly to avoid it
        But it was bound to happen sometime
        The first couple nights
        I cried
        A piece of me was no longer mine
        Chances I despise
        But at 4:03 in the morning I realized
        That we were a chance
        Chances are trust

A hidden halo shines above your head
My hero
when I played with the twitching fires of death
It was you who took my singed fingers by the hand
Blinded by the masquerade of unearthly expectations
My brain left rattled
Demons singing a nervous chorus
You saw through my calm exterior surface
You shape shifter you!  
You morphed into any role I needed you to
You saw the things I had yet to be
What I had to live for, what I was to become
All the sights I had yet to see
Trained me diligently
for all the obstacles I had yet to succumb
Provided me with the confidence and armor to live on
Perceiver until the bulb of my life dies and my rightful time has come

Yet I sit here
Helpless, unable to do a thing
To shelter you from all the hardships
You've been cursed with
Life is a cruel, deadly serpent
I live in fear of the day it shall constrict around your neck
Swipe your soul from the earth's bed
Blasted life with it's under-tow currents
Vindictive earth with its cyclical  ways
But I suppose I have you to blame
It was you who had given me the strength to stay
For better and for the worst of days


Even when the fog cleared
When the sky was no longer grey
When at last all the demons had finally gone away
You stayed

Why do we always hold what hurts us the closest?
As if the pain it prescribes us will give us our purpose?
In truth what we love is a deceiving venomous serpent.
Is pain an addiction or are we all caught in the current ?

I play charades every day
I pick and choose what I want to display
People can assume what I am, how I feel, what I think
But to few will I ever say
The truths I keep at bay

Marbled skin
Morgue feet
Crooked nose
Dry skin on the elbows
Green eyes
That scan the skies
In search of the man
That the church goers speak of.
Heaven is above, in the sky
Mommy told me that's where people go when they die
They're happy there, no longer shall they cry
And happier times have arrived.
Alas, my soul, my being feels deprived
There is no magic holy man who awaits in the sky.
A fabricated lie
Fed to the human kind for years
We swear on his book, we pledge allegiance under his name, some pray to him every day not just on Sunday.
Wars are waged, nonbelievers caged.
Would your god want you to treat others this way?
Because if he created you to believe
He created me to disagree
Not for your "blessed" soul to come and change me.
My perspective shared through poetry, ironically you may argue this is his gift to me.

Without you I feel my heart snap
        Next comes the fatal crack
        The intruding thoughts that you’re with   her again
        I was never like this but it was the reality I was fed
        I guess she did get into my head
        But she got into your heart
        Like forest fires the destruction starts
        Burning homes and all the possessions we own
        This is all coming from me the girl with the heart of stone
        For which I was known
        No boy was to break my heart let alone roam
        No one’s name was to flow through my veins
        The thought of the very fate kept me awake many nights
        I felt insane
        But there was something in the way your name flowed through my veins
        That made the better half of me feel secure and safe
        As to why this is
        Is a reason I struggle to place
        All I know is love isn’t like the poems say
        No your heart does not start to race
        No
        Instead each kiss is a sting to your face in fear that it may be your last
        Love is 4:03 in the morning and being able to hear silent cries
        Love is your hand in mine
        Love is the way we lose track of time
        Love is what I despise
        I walk around knowing that you own a piece of me
        Unaware if a piece of you is mine
        You can say you love me that is just fine
        Alas I cannot be guaranteed that your words are not a lie
        I’ve done this to myself
        But your lips like magnets to mine aren’t much of a help
        If it was only easy to forget you
        Pick up my life where I left it and just ******* continue
        You’ve left an internal bruise
        On my vital *****
        
        We loved with a love that lacked a purpose
        Years later this truth comes to surface
        Your fingers may fill the gaps between mine
        But good Lord they will never replace the stolen time
        Eight spaces will never replace eight years
        Your voice that would once soothe me now violates my ears
        I all too often hold what hurts me near
        Now the truth is clear
        You were love
        Love is fear

Night's approaching darkness taunted you
Like a drummer boy leading in the troops off in the distance
You knew the battle was coming
Sleep.
Yes, sleep.
Sleep was on the horizon
You hated sleep
Last I knew you would fight it off as long as you possibly could
Because that's where he was still alive
Where he still spoke and breathed
Where he still had the disgusting ability to ******* you
In your slumber he could twist your peaceful dreams into nightmares
He did this with the words that were once your reason to wake come morning

"I love you."

Now the words are your reason to stay awake for days
You'll tape your eyelids to your face just so they'll stay open
Bags under your burnt cedar eyes grow with exhaustion competing with your heart to see just who will grow darker first

Exhaustion drove you mad
Pictures on your walls were talking
Your eyes stung like a fresh paper cut
Your mind and crooked thoughts just would not stop
The madness was cut off with an exploding
POP
You had shot yourself in the foot
Not to be excused from this battle
You wanted to prove that you could still fight
Despite there being a hole in your foot
Stale blood and your soul leaked from the wound
Filling the inside of your boots

So when people would judge you and your life
You would reply with a dead stare and say

"Why don't you walk a mile in my shoes."

This was not a question
No this was a demand
Your heart won the race to darkness
And now you expected every last lover to experience your pain first hand
You'll watch from afar as lovers fall apart
Just another first love swiped from this earth
Tragically beautiful like a shooting star

The star's life had ended
Far before us earthlings could see it
To us its light was still burning
But far out of sight
Its demise was birthing

Tremors awake me to consciousness yet again
Every last sin I had and was to commit my body began to repent
Voices of those I had crossed violated my ear drums and dear god believe me I lament
For the pain I could not bare for those I have hurt and those I have bent
I trip over my words the sounds quarrel as they slip from my tongue escaping into the world to be heard
I'm sorry for those they have hurt
I was a monster disguised as a girl