I remember this day pretty well.
I remember this was the day that I knew you were the best decision of my life.
That we did it.
That you were mine and I was yours.
I remember every time I kissed you felt especially magical that night.
I remember you waltzing out of the bathroom.
I remember I felt invincible.
Like anything could happen and nothing could break us.
Like we were flying through galaxies at the speed of light,
but time was still.
Your eyes, forever the perfect color.
Your laugh, forever my favorite memory. Chicken-chicken a hilarious late night.
Dancing in the kitchen to no music.
Walking down the street in the darkness.
Falling off scooters.
Riding one two many on one.
Telling me I have the body of a Goddess.
Making love all day, only to cuddle in between. No food needed. Just love. All day. Every day.

I’m sorry if I ruined it. But all I want Is so have it back.

Is it easy to remember?
Or hard to forget.
Maybe for you, it’s just me
Have I hit the nail yet?

I never know your head anymore
We sync up some times,
But you act blank
And ignore me, say nothing’s wrong
But you don’t speak to me.

I’m annoyed, and honestly hurt,
You don’t want to do things
Just to help her.
I get it you’re tired,
These things are exhausting
But I thought you were passionate
That’s what I’m trusting.

We will get out of this mess,
I can see light in the clearing,
Don’t give up my love,
It’s life, and we’re steering
The best we can in rough waters

This is ******* breaking me to pieces,
but if this is going to be a goodbye I want you to know some things:

1) I used to always wonder why I wasn’t good enough for you.
People told me I did too much for you, that I tried to hard for you.
But I didn’t believe that.

2) I thought  ‘maybe I’m not pretty enough.’
‘Maybe I’m not outgoing enough.’  
‘Maybe I’m not smart enough.’
‘Maybe I’m not strong enough.’

3)So I worried and worked on these things.
Trying to gain confidence.
Trying to gain composer.
But I was gaining all this attention and not yours.

4) Truth is you liked me for me,
but I was too blind to see.

5) I didn’t know there was an eternal battle.

6) I didn’t know it was your own thing.

7) I didn’t know you Really loved me.

8) I always wondered why it wasn’t me?

9) Why couldn’t you be addicted to me?

Why can’t I be “her” ?

Why can’t he call me?

When will he see me?

10) But he did.
I just wasn’t most important.

I now have “The Day it felt over” picture.
It’s unreal.
I am currently in shock or maybe denial, at this point.
It was sad yesterday, but this,
I don’t know this is real?
I guess... your attitude seems to have changed.
But you say I’ve changed too,
I guess you didn’t like the better me.
Well, I like the better you.
Go do what you need to do,
I’m supporting you from afar.
If you need me, I’m here.
I miss you already.
Thank you for everything.
I love you, I always will.

You’re not a quitter.
Where’s the fight in you girl?
You don’t give up.
You were never one to give up.

I know you’re tired.
I know you feel so weak.
But it’s not over. It’s never over until you say it’s over.
Keep fighting.
Keep pushing.

You love yourself.
You have to.
How can you expect anyone to love you, if you don’t?
You can’t.
So love that little girl.
Even when she’s weak,
even when she wants to give up,
even when she’s hurting,
because she’s worth it.
You’re worth it.
Remember, you can cry,
but only standing up.

Everything that is wrong and right with the world.

Over the years,
  I have learned that I am fantastic at fixing lonely.
  So fantastic, I often forget my own lonely.
Some times me and lonely sit together.
  Burning pictures of our enemies.
Which look a lot like me.

I should've just said no.
But I've never been good at that.

She's been baked, baked, baking
Almost a week now.
She shows kaleidoscope colors,
Mostly blue, occasionally purple, and red.

I thought today would be clear skies
Maybe even mostly dry eyes,
But no just more baking,
Let her rise.

She's soars on thin air and loose earth.
She's just learning, they're no longer there.
They'll come back, they must.
But no, not I, nor the dust.

She's baked, she's baking.
The moon shines down,
And She looks up,
The moons' still watching her on the ground.

Don't do the Devils work.
It's *****.
Shouldn't touch it with a ten foot pole.
That sound familiar much?
I helped you.
I touched his soul.

One second.
She looks left
Calm face, slight gaped mouth.

5 more seconds.
A look right
The wheel turns ninety degrees.

3 more seconds.
Black, white, silver, grey
Shapes, blocks, lines, a blur

2 more seconds.
Grey quickly gone to red
There she doesn't move.

1 more second.
Flashes of blue, white, and red
There she lays, there she's dead.

There's something about him.
There's something about the way he talks in his baritone voice.
The words just glide off his tongue like melted caramel,
Smooth and silky falling into ribbons of sentences and stories.


There's something about the way he looks at me.
He just glances so slightly toward me, but he doesn't smile.
He looks straight into my eyes, which I've never been able to.
It's like he's staring at my soul, analyzing it for a brief moment, then turns away.


There's something about the way he touches me,
As if he has a purpose for it.
It can be gentle, a touch to my thigh.
Sometimes it'll be a firm grasp of my hand,
To tell me all is alright.
But there's the touch when he pulls me in close and caresses my face.
When he gently traces my jaw,
And his fingers follow back to my ears.
Then he carefully pulls me up towards him,
and he comes down to touch me once more.


There's something about the way he gently kisses my face and pulls me into an entirely new world.
In that world all I see my is him and me,
And that is where I want to be.

Who would have ever thought, blue
Light, struck and soft
For me, almost falling off.
But with you, fire.
The perfect alignment.
Desire, stirring behind closed
Doors, opening and closing nearly
More time is put between,
The lines, map out our destination,
To the place we will
Go, ending frustration.
But are you for me?
That, I may never know.

I love this.
Some times I wish this would simply go on.
When we talk and make sense of the world.
You make sense of my world.
And I used to make sense of your humor.
There was always something behind it, wasn't there?
You never said anything that didn't mean something.

I got so paranoid about talking to you when we were done.
Lord, you still to this day still reply,
Yet, I think you hate me?
Huh, we are funny.
But that's all you needed, to make people laugh.
To distract the world from who you were.
But I saw through that mask.
I actually started to get you.
And you got scared.

I don't know who made up a better story, you or me.
You, for saying that you didn't get scared.
Or me, for saying that I never cared.
That was almost a perfect rhyme.
That's also how she saw us.
The perfect match, you and I.
Maybe that scared you more.
That she approved of me.
She thought I was good for you.
But you had to be right.

I can't wait to hear why we ended.
I doubt I'll ever ask.
Maybe one day I'll get up the courage.
But for now I'll be content talking about *******.
And you'll go along with it.
I mean, it already happens, often.

You should know I miss you.
Not all the time, but most.
Like a child who misses her mother.
But doesn't want to get to close.
I'm often inches away from a message.
I don't, more often then I do.
So, why am I confessing this to you?

There is a few occasions where I sit,
Wondering about passed things.
I watch the trees blow in the wind,
As the green rolls of waves in spring.  
Reminds me of those days by the lake.
The days we loved to simply escape.
So, why did it slowly stop, us, loving them?

I caught you're eyes wandering.
They weren't looking at mine.
But at the round shape in front of you. However, to me it's behind.
What's funny to me Is how you don't look away.
How you aren't trying to make it an accident or a mistake.
So, why don't you just say something, about how it looks?

Why don't you just tell me how much you want to be inside?
Whisper how much you desire my skin.
Tantalize me with the thoughts that your mind has created.
Fill me in on your plans for me.
So, why don't you just say 'hey', or talk to me?

It's all because of her, since you're preoccupied.
You have love to uphold, other feelings to hide.
You were never okay with lying, but you did it with ease.
But if I'm being honest, I'm not sure you ever lied to me.
So, why just lie, why not tell the truth?

At least that's what I'd like to think.
You still have her, and that's plenty for me.
So I'll just go home, and keep trying to be 'me.'
One girl is more than enough to watch from here.
I can't imagine two birds trying to fit in one stoop.
Plus I won't be a third, no not again.
So, why not just tell me "We are no longer friends."?

They said it wouldn't make a difference
I never believed them.
But I tried.
I tried to, with another.
He didn't want what I wanted.

They said it wouldn't make a difference.
They said it was something everyone does.
No one understood that it was special to me.
Maybe they really did.
Maybe they didn't care.
So maybe when I tried and it went wrong no one would care  

They said it wouldn't make a difference.
If I was with another, it wouldn't hurt him.
He didn't have to know.
Yet I told him first.
I thought maybe he would care that I was hurt.
He held me like no one else could.

They say it wouldn't make a difference.
If he cared or not, he still had his own.
She wasn't leaving.
He didn't want her too.
He didn't care for me, only himself.
I don't know if I can believe them.
Because they said it wouldn't make a difference. But it did.

No one seems to understand what I withhold.
Within these walls of golden locks are memories.
Memories that seem to be on repeat.
They aren't a romantic comedy.
They aren't all love and joy.
But nor are they all pain.
They're the looks and laughs shared.
They're the ones that remain.
Those you can't forget and cause hurt.
The stabbing sensation you can't shake.

There are times I wonder if it's hard for him too.
However, life goes on and I can't help
but think he does too.
So why does this happen,
Why is it like this?
Why are we so separated?
Even when we're together, things seem amiss.
It's not that you love me.
It's not that I love you.
It's that we are always drawn together.
Never by our own intentions.
It's like someone just knew.
How we were, how we used to be.
I think we honestly used to both feel so free.
Living apart, but harmoniously.

I still think about that first day you asked.
How it wasn't the first thing you questioned, but the last.
Then you said you were happy, but tired you said.
You needed sleep, and then went to bed.
I remember that night though it's so long ago.
You seemed you happy, but how could I know.
You were really truly nervous.
Now I know that.
It wasn't just me, actually both,
As a matter a fact,
We couldn't quite grasp how we felt that day,
It took us a while to realize I'd say.
That we were both so unaware that the other was equally as uncomfortable
With another being closer than ever before.

There are many reasons it's over.
I honestly don't know one.
But maybe that's what you wanted.
Maybe now you're having fun.
You got what it was,
another girl I suppose.
I hope she makes you happy.
She says that she does.
I can't say I don't wish for different, I do.
But I still hope there is more of us
Maybe more of me and you
Being so close, but distant and enabled,
Of touching and talking, or being emotionally unstable.

I guess you could say this bank has a limited supply.
Memories don't just come from normal days or any old time.
They're always different things like accidents and run-ins, you know?  
They may not seem special,
But they are the best things.

Is it so hard to be honest?
I never knew. Did you
Ever even care for her,
Or maybe I was the lie.

Was I really just too hard to withstand?
The selfless girl must help,
Again being misused. Misread,
Misjudged, all she really wants is love.

You kissed with compassion,
Like she was the only one.
She knew better though,
Knowing it was all "in fun."

So what about the other,
The one you claim to be yours?
Is she truly important,
Or worth as much as the floors?

Did you lie to her, are you still to me?
You act like there's no tradgedy.
I see your destruction, I'm your victim of pain.
Lord help me not to say this in vain:

Is it her or is it me?
You filthy creature, hurting all
Gentle women. What did we do to you?
You're no man, just simply a fool.

We females aren't dumb,
Sentimental at best.
You're the rude, almost evil,
I don't know 'bout the rest.

He sometimes comes up in your stories too.
Fondly I think of him, but would he remember?
I certainly still do.
You act like he no longer exist.
I know better than that tall tale.
The one of you and him,
No longer seeing one another. There,
Among other things, is one pain.
The pain of the truth, and memories made.

I often blamed myself for tragedy.
You said not to worry.
But you also said he doesn't matter,
And that there is no hurry
To see the new.
You know, what that told me?
You weren't ready for rude,
Awkward battle between you and him.
You said you were, of course,
However, that's never how things end.

I have hope for the two of you yet.
It's said that you hate him.
You did drop a few threats,
One on me, in the beginning.
For that I don't know why.
Nonetheless, I also thank you even if someone else is winning.

My whole body cries
Simply, for you to caress my cheek.
My skin is eager to feel the warmth on my neck,
Coming slowly from heated breath.
It makes my heart pitter patter,
Even more than now, faster and faster.
The thought of you, detoxifying my soul.

To be kissed
What a lovely thing it must be.
To have skin touch skin, briskly
In the gentle way, that soft tissues meet
That longing of cheek to cheek
Pressed against lips, not teeth.
Don't mind me. I'm just a girl,
One with lonely lips, awaiting,
Someone, to get a sweet kiss.
But she's now forgot, what touch
What it feels like. Skin to skin
When all warm and cosy,
Holding limb in limb.
She can't remember the long nights
The ones she stayed with him
When he held her tight
She can't remember his warmth
The heat he gave, that made all alright
But kept her calm and brave.

-Me: Friday, June 5th, 2015 (3:38am)

I think saying goodbye to you
is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.
I'm not leaving your life though.
If you call , I'll answer.
If you need me, I'll be there.
If you want to laugh, I'll say something dumb.
But I'm not sitting here any longer.
I'm done seeking you out.
You chose her.
That's not my problem.

This isn’t my life.
I’m just going through the motions until they get back.
Holding their place until they are done playing in mine.
One day we will trade back.
But for the time being, I’m stuck.
Being them.