All my life I've been running away.

Only until now have I discovered the place I was always meaning to run to.

Your touch is like the feeling you get when you finally lay down after a long day.
When you kiss me I feel like you light the life on my lips, and I
feel the taste of you rush into my chest like a new type of smoke.

I unwind while in your presence and peel my worries off as if I'm already inside the privacy of the house I will one day own.
Because, my dear...
No matter what,
At the end of the day I want to see
You.
Because when I am with you, I am

Home.

You think you know the way I think, huh?
You think you know me.

If you thought the way I did, you would have killed yourself by now.
And if you knew me,
You'd know that I love life way too much to end it.

Even though my heart has been covered in dirt,
My spirit is full of sky.

I was in town a couple weeks back,
And I ended up striking a conversation
With the lady on the wall.

"You going to meet up with someone, miss?"

"Oh, yes. I am."

She smiled at me,
While she tilted her head as if she were examining me like something familiar she has already seen, and says,
"Remember that he is not love, he is a man. You are a woman, and you are not love to him. Between you two, there is love. There is a difference. Remember this, sweetheart."

!

Is it insecurity I need to fill,

Or an over abundance of love I have to give?

You were my drug.
Everyone told me to stop, but I tried every thing to convince them you were good.

I knew what I felt was only a high, but you became the only taste I felt comfort in.

You destroyed me, but I wanted you.

You were my drug.
No matter how bitter you were, how sour, how vile you were towards me, I craved you.

I began reaching for anything to smoke just to burn your name into my throat, so I could at least feel you for a moment.

I drank until my heart and my mind became Romeo and Juliet.
You know what happened.

You know it ends.

I want to lay out my words in a way that is new to you,
So that you may exhale as if you've inhaled my words and held it in.

Please tell me that you believe me, because I am drowning.
I cannot live life knowing that she believes a lie.

Please tell me that you believe me, because I am not ok.
I am the one walking with stabs from a knife that I was accused of throwing. I just happened to step forward at the wrong time, so here I am:

Like a picture or a painting that people look at with tilted heads and squinted eyes, I was pressed to a wall; framed.

You are as classic and unpredictable as the colors of the sky.

I want to share my story too.

You didn't forget how to write poetry.
You ran out of words
That describes the moment as more
than it is.

I've hit a wall.

Actually, I didn't hit it. It hit me.

Every time I try to write something new,
Something different,
Nothing comes to mind.

There's no new examples floating through my thoughts,
or some silly comment about the weather dancing on the tip
of my tongue.

No.
All I have are cliche's and over-exaggerated thoughts.
Maybe I'm going to die.

If the skin on my hands got thinner for every time I let a boy hold them,

I'd be bleeding. Torn to the bone.

If I had kept my hands to myself like a secret, then I could've held you

Without staining you with my past. Now I'm alone,

And I'm sorry. I would offer my shoulder, or the bend of my elbow

But those edges and parts of mine are worn down, too.

I stand in front of you, barely together; a corpse.

I understand why I am not considered at all, but I beg to be healed

Just to be considered by you.

We move in a way that isn't new to the world.
People have heard of it, but hardly get to experience this type of way.

You love me in words, yes, but the way you love isn't like a typed out essay. It is not stagnant. It is not
Contained.
Our love is on the move, it flows
Through the wind that sends your words to my ears
Over and over through the warmth of your lips on mine...
Through the spray of the ocean, I am there with you
As you are there with me under the sky's exchange between the sun and the moon.

This, what we have, isn't new to the world.

But we have it.

By now I should've known where I was meant to be.
By now, I should've been there.
Wherever /there/ is.

I'm supposed to be living my dream, rather than looking at the blue prints.
By now, I should've been making new mistakes.

I was supposed to be done with wandering and questioning and desiring things of this world.
By now, I should've been soaring.

The question, "what am I doing?"
By now, shouldn't even be a thought.
I'm supposed to have a calendar flooded with plans.

Whatever plans are.

By now, I should've been...
Somewhere else.

Wherever that elsewhere is.
Whatever it is, I should've been doing.
By now, I should've been there.

But maybe,

You are more than a few words to me,
You are art in every form.

You are the thought process during a masterpiece,
not an idea but a vision.
A vision made real through the push and pull
of what-everyone-wants-to-see
and something else completely.

There are rights and there were
so many wrongs,
but no matter what there is beauty.

In those moments,
those moments are the ones that
I love.

You
Know what I'm talking about.

When you hold me close and
I hold you closer,
Until we get to the place where
You and I are as close as we can be.
As close are we are able
And it feels beautiful.
Even though, I swear to God;
We are more
Than
Words
Can
Describe.

In those moments,
I feel the weight of saying goodbye but it makes me appreciate you
So much more.
Those moments are the ones that
I love.

You
Know what I'm talking about.

I wanna see the lights, and I want people to know that that is where you can find me.

She promised she would stay,
But she left me alone with him.
I pleaded with my eyes,
"Don't go."

I don't know why she thought she was doing something good, but she giggled a "be good you two," with a wink.

I wanted to die in that moment.
It was almost as if I knew what was going to happen.
It was already over between he and I.
I had already established that I didn't want anything to do with him.
But he wanted to "talk" because he needed "closure" or some ****.

"Could you come in the backseat, please?"
Even though his words spilled out like syrup, I knew nothing that would come next would be close to sweet.
I did what I was told.
Stupid me. Why was I so afraid of him being mad at me?!

I closed my eyes as he pressed his wet mouth onto mine.
I wanted to cry. I wanted to punch him.
My clothes end up on the floor even though I fought to keep them on.
I gave up.
I lay there on my side, facing the car seat I should've stayed in.

I asked him to stop.
I asked him to put his pants back on.
I told him to stop as I scrambled for my clothes,

He shouted: "****!"
He slammed the door closed as I ran away and he punched something.

Tears ran down my face as I passed her.
"How'd it go?" She asked in a sing-song voice.
God, I wanted to hit her so hard.
I wish I told her to go **** herself.

Because she said she was gonna stay with me. I was stupid to believe her this time...
But she promised.

Don't you dare press your words on me like you are strong enough to make an indention.

Don't ever look at me like I'm a strayed line on a paper, or bleeding paint on a canvas.

Don't you dare!
Oh
My
God,
Don't you dare tell me what I should do, what I shouldn't have done, or what you think I'm thinking.

You do not mean anything to me.

You words mean nothing to me.

If I could flow with anything, I'd chose energy.

She is always moving and when she is around you cannot avoid feeling what she brings and everything she is.

Next time you leave,

Take me.

My heart physically hurts because all I want is for you to love me.

You're the hope that pulls my lips towards the surface of the ocean when
I am drowning.
You're the relief and peace in that inhale I was reaching for,
And when I am exhausted and cold,
You are the comfort in the heat
of the sun.

I need the ocean.
I would die without her waves to surround me and hold me.
I need her salty kisses to comfort me when my heart gets cold,
because even though the ocean is always blue she is the warmest thing next to home.

I need the ocean, but
I would leave the ocean for you.

Feels like love,
Tastes like everything you said you hated.

"I love you..."
I've heard these words as a reminder of a promise,
A promise that haunts me in the darkest and most innocent part of my soul.
I thought of these words like they were a hand striking my skin,
Leaving red marks and bruises.
"I thought you loved me, too?"
Was the worst.
I lived my life learning how to use these words in the wrong way;
As protection. As a shield that kept me unharmed from the strikes of,
"I love you."
But the strikes still came. And my skin had only gotten more discolored...
"I love you, too."
Shouldn't be said in FEAR.

I'm learning the truth now.
My dear,
You have rewritten the definitions of the words I had, for so long, known as
Pain from my Past.
"Love," is not a hand that steals the stars from the sky,
It is the reason why the galaxies exist.

We were not created for rejection,

So it's okay to cry.

You are too far away from me.

I feel so stupid to be crying over this still.

But ****.
It was you.

I've never loved anyone the way I love you.
And I never wanted to admit to this,
But
You are my everything,
My every day.
The only one I need.

And I am still me.
And I am still here.

I can barely keep my eyes open, let alone be functioning.

Blink, blink, blink...

I fell asleep.

Yawn, stretch, blink, blink..

B l i n k

I wish I could've loved you from the beginning; before they touched you.

I know you belong to God,
But you're mine.

Sometimes when you look at me, you
Give me this face that makes me so
Sure that you already know.

There is a statement that blares in my
Head, my heart, and my body
Whenever I am with you,
That I do not say it out loud.

But believe me, if I were to say it...
I wouldn't know how to stop.

One day, you'll see me and wish you didn't say those things that you did.
You will feel sick because you look at me and feel jealousy, inspiration and awe - all at once.
The words that you threw at me in the dark,
behind your bedroom door, will become all you have left...

Your lies will eat you.
You now die inside knowing what you really are:
A pile of ****.

The truth is that you don't need to stay there,
you could bring yourself and your dirt.

You could learn to encourage,
change your narrative,
target your goal towards feeding Life...
Instead of opening a can of old ways and calling it
a meal for your family,
when it reality, what you put out has no salt.

My prayer for you is that you grow.
Even if all you did was tear me to the ground.
You showed me how the dark felt,
so I faced towards the Sun completely.

I became stronger...
I watered myself with my tears...
I called out to the Sun.
He gave me Life,
but you taught me how seeds can rot.

Listen, this is not a "thank you."
What I'm saying is that I love myself more now.
I know you didn't mean for me to find out.
I'm not saying that you're evil,
you're just more awful than I had thought.

Everyone is looking for someone to grab their hand and run away with,

And all I want is for someone to stand with me through the calm waves and the hurricanes.

I'm finally learning how to be the very person I dreamed of being.
I'm learning that I am worthy of holding the stars,
and that breathing in the sky was exactly what God designed it for.

I lost myself a lot in the past year, but I'm back.
I am more confident in my purpose than ever before.
I am mentally and emotionally stronger.
I will not do anything less than the purpose I was created for.

You all may not be ready, but I am.

I want everything
and I want nothing.

Conversations only happen in my mind,
my thoughts don't reach the surface to even
hit the air.

Bubbles only sitting and bouncing,
behind my eyes.

I want to ask you what you think,
but it wouldn't matter to me anyway.

So, I don't speak.

I'm wondering why
do you still keep talking to me?

I still think of you.
Not in the way I used to.
But you still float through my mind.

With you, it all came too easily.
I thought you were too good to be true

I loved you even before the words were said.

Throughout my life,
I was scared of being still.
I needed to move,
Or stay in motion, because once
I was still...
Feelings would catch up to me.

I needed to be faster than sadness,
Prepared for temporary happiness
To fade,
So I never got hurt.

That's what I do.

My heart or my mind would never really be where anyone else was,
But I am here.
I am here.
And I am still.

You have nothing to say,
but you're always talking.

It's almost time.

Lies make you sick.
Laziness is a disease.

I'd rather be alone than be around people who only talk about how hard life is.

These people make cereal stale,
toast too toasted,
and make the rain seem like it wasn't invited in the first place.

I wish they would learn that the rain invites us,
and we should say "Thank you".