You know, you're never here anymore
You're hardly ever sober
And you're making all these memories
That everyone but you can remember

'Why do you always get so ****** up?'
- they ask
And you don't know what to say
Because you ask the mirror the same question
And she just laughs but her eyes are
Somber and kind of frightened,
Even though you know you're never scared of anything.

I don't drink because I'm sad like I used to
I don't need drugs because it hurts too much
I guess I just like the risk. The freedom.
The inability to make rational decisions.

They say you can't escape your own mind
But I have found a way.

And strange boys take the love you didn't want
And I know it's not love but I can pretend for the night
And your kiss has been replaced too many times to count,

But still you're the only love I ever write about.

And now Im finding it hard to breathe I have to think about letting oxygen into my lungs and exhaling slowly cause I have worse things to worry about then catching my breath.
And I'm no longer hungry because I need so much more than food to fill up my body,
I'm looking for peace, peace in you and peace in my mind
and some kind of sign
that everything is going to be okay.
But as soon as I take the directions I've been given someone changes the map and leads me down a different road.
Tell me how many times do I have to cry myself to sleep
and how many times do I have to see myself bleed
so that everybody can welcome me in this home and trust that I'll be just fine on my own
I know last time I was alone I ****** it all up and trust me that wasn't the first time it was just the first time I took it that far

but what does that say about you and every one else who's said they were there for me
but never bothered when life got too dark for me.
And I just needed a light but instead all I see are headlights
coming towards me and the soles of my shoes
are glued to the road this time
cause I'm too dazed and confused tonight
to know which way is freedom and which way is the noose.
So it's roadkill or the rope around my neck I'm left to choose from
can't you see that you leave me no choice except extinction
from this life I once believed I could learn to love
turns out you can never be honest cause that just makes you fragile
And they'll promise and promise they're there till the end well it seems  I've run out of road to run on
and by the empty street I know there's no one I can depend on.

That's the ******* worst thing in the world.
Remembering plans I made with you.
To watch
certain movies,
to go
certain places

and talking about them with no uncertainty whatsoever.
Then all of a sudden we're over and we are strangers again

and thinking about our memories is sad,
but at least we had them.

Plans that we looked forward to,
but never got around to doing -
that's what ******* kills me every night
when I can't sleep because your voice was always my sleeping pill.
And
I miss you,

but thinking of the future without you feels wrong
and there's still a tiny part of me
waiting...
for you to knock on my door, begging me to take you back.

Heaven knows, I would in a heartbeat.
But we both know you've never cared that much
and your ego is way too big to ever admit you were wrong.

I've gone and made mines out of ditches again haven't I?
I've made oceans out of streams again and made next years out of tomorrow's.
When will I learn to stop trying to predict the future
in a desperate attempt to assure myself I'm going to be
okay.

Are you okay? I forget to ask sometimes
I'm too busy arguing with my own
insecurities and uncertainties
But your ego is large enough to
Make up for my lack thereof
And you never needed reassurance

Did you?

From that first good bye,
you could see how I struggled to unclasp my hand from yours and how I kept looking over my shoulder as I walked out the door.

I missed you as soon as I left you.
Did you know that?
Am I foolish and naive and perhaps slightly
Insane. (statement)
To feel as though I had missed you, before we even met?
Call me a romantic,
But energy doesn't lie my love
Call me delusional
But I can see it, feel it
Whenever we're together:

The way our energies get along like old friends from a previous life, who have so much to catch up on.

We have so much lost time
to make up for
my love

I've been thinking a lot lately. About memories and how they seem to slowly slip away as the days go by. They never leave all at once. But one day you think you'll never forget this moment and this person and then months or years later you find yourself struggling to remember a simple name. Of course there are some memories we can't possibly forget. Some absolutely incredible, where we felt on top of the world; most of them haunting and excruciating, that have incinerated themselves onto our hearts and souls. And we'll carry these with us forever. But I've found that the key is not to think about how heavy they are, and how much they're weighing us down. But how strong they make us that we never stop making more. More mistakes, more reckless decisions. We are so brave to keep making promises and we are so brave to keep letting love in, over and over again. I know it's hard to give someone your love when it was handled so carelessly in the past. And you don't think you'll ever feel the same again. And you're absolutely right. Because it will keep getting better and you will keep getting braver and stronger and full of love. You are growing and your heart is expanding and you are learning every single day to forgive and never lose your hope. I beg you, please don't ever lose your hope. You have battle scars that tell the most heartbreaking and inspiring stories and that make you the beautiful human you are today. You have a smile that never ends and arms that are always open. You are the everything that I want to come home to - sweet coffee, warm bed, contagious laughter. You love with a heart overflowing with forgiveness and acceptance. You are the one who stays, when it's long past time to go. You are second chance after second chance and you deserve the entire universe. Don't let anyone give you any less.

(111) I like your character more than I like you
(112) You are too kind hearted to be this selfish
(113) in the movie about us you care a lot more
(114) I'm not as mean as I pretend to be
(115) your head is so far up in the clouds nothing can ever reach you
(116) you made me feel like I was up there with you
(117) I think I love things that are bad for me
(118) you have an obsession with controlling your emotions
(119) my favorite pass-time is setting myself on fire
(120) my name sounds at home in your mouth
(121) I'm certain there's a universe that only exists when we're together
(122) I love how much you hurt me
(123) I'm relieved when you make me hate you.
(124) my greatest fear is that I love you
(125) I am concerned you don't know what love is
(126) there's a chance you could still be a figment of my imagination
(127) this surface level **** is too vapid for ***** sakes
(128) I often imagine reaching into your chest to find what went wrong with your heart
(129) you notice everything and say very little.
(130) I burn for the both of us
(131) you hurt me over again carefully and with love
(132) we are my most elaborate display of self-harm.

I can't get it out, I'm comfortable being down.
Don't try and cheer me up, don't question my frown.
Don't tell me that I'm special, that you love me so(?)
I know you're lying
And I'd rather be alone.

But you don't want to leave, so I let you stay
I say that I'm not looking for love
And you're just in my way.

I can't stand it when you're here and I hate it when you're gone.
You're getting tired of waiting - 'so ******* long'

You have to understand love, these things take time
But you're so ******* impatient,
Trying to knock down walls
That were built for you to climb.

And lately you've been distant,
Probably found someone new
You're unaware that I'm broken,
Memories of you in my head lie frozen

I am a shut bottle of happiness,
only you can open.

How can I believe it when I finally feel happy for the first time in weeks. When I laugh really loudly or when I smile, so hard my cheeks hurt and my eyes crinkle. How can I believe it when so many times I thought it was all going to be ok to have it snatched away from me moments later. I don't trust being happy anymore. Perhaps I have become too much of a realist that I can't allow myself to feel a split second of joy because I know it's not permanent. As much as I don't want it to, my happiness and well being solely depends on others. The fact that I can't possibly feel content when I sit by myself in an empty room is disturbing and the only thing that can comfort me is knowing that tomorrow will be a good day. I plant my happiness inside other people and what they don't understand is once they let me down I'll refuse to water it and I'll leave it to wither and die along with the phone calls you keep declining and letters I wrote that you keep tearing, to pieces. did you not see I gave you my heart broken and battered but still willing to love. Are you truly blind or are you choosing not to see my dead tired eyes filled with regret? Are you truly deaf or are you trying not to hear my cries for help that's starting to ring in my ears and the sound of blood spilling all over my bathroom floor. I don't know why I'm here. I don't know why I'm here. I don't know why I'm here.

Darling it's been 2am choking tears and bittersweet memories for some time now. It's been 6am regrets and waiting for the 'good morning' text that just doesn't come. It's been 12pm fake smiles and trying not to write your name on my maths book. It's been 5pm listening to our songs as my eyes water and my chest is heavy with remembrance of you. It's been 7pm ice cold showers because it's the only thing that makes me feel alive since you left. Darling it's been the 8pm poems I try so hard not to write, but the pile just gets higher - filled with thoughts of you. Oh, it's been 10pm prayers for you to come back and 11pm wishes, wishes for just another 60 seconds with you. To make it all right again. And when reality and the realization of what you've turned me into hits, suddenly it's 12am hate, disgust and blame. I feel so stupid, so used and worthless. But you still remind me of perfection and I crave your affection. Then it's 2am again and I can't believe I've been doing this for so long.

There's a lot of ugliness in this world. In these four walls alone there's enough to talk about for hours. Everything can turn ugly when you look at it for too long. I started hearing voices in my head tonight. I know it's not me this time because I didn't know what they were going to say next, and I usually do. I'm so scared because each day everything gets more terrible and people become less beautiful than I believed they were. I'm so sick of telling the people I love that everything is going to be okay and I'm even more exhausted of them telling me the same thing. Because we don't really know do we? The demons that arrive tomorrow could make today's seem like a dream. I've seen it, lived it even. I've thought that I could never feel so terrible as I did in that moment and then get proven wrong later on. The worst is, I know what I've been through is not the ultimate worst. I know there will be so many awful times ahead and I can't fathom how I will be able to deal with them. We lose people we love all the time, people move on and don't need you anymore. Sometimes you still need them and that is the most difficult thing to understand. How someone can walk past you, past all your memories and all the love you gave them, are still willing to give, and carry on walking without a second glance. But you will grow out of people too. People that you swore you needed so terribly they were oxygen to you. And it's difficult to know what you stand for and what you believe in at 17. Everything is always changing and nothing is ever permanent. This ugly, ugly world is filled with lies and hurt and darkness. But there are so many lovely things that you have to look for. It's so easy to see the bad but you've made it seventeen years in  this place and there are so many beautiful places and people to meet. And sometimes they will turn ugly over time and that just means you have to look for the next beautiful thing. We all need help, some a little more than others. You have to try to not be sorry for being here and only apologize when you hurt someone. You don't always have to be sorry for making the decisions you want to make, you are so beautiful and filled with kindness and love. It truly breaks my heart to see you tear yourself up and see the way you look at yourself. And nobody can make you believe that you are beautiful but you have to understand that you are. And I mean your mind and your heart as well as your outsides. You have to stick around, you have to stay okay? It's difficult and extremely scary but it's going to be worth it. Yes, the hurt that is coming in the future is inevitable. But it's worth it for all the love and wonderful memories and the adventures waiting for you. You are going to be okay. Everything isn't going to be okay, it never will be. But I love you and you can do it okay?

Look at you.
Young in years but heart so beat,
tear stained cheeks
you so skillfully play off
with a smile.

Don't get me started on that smile.
You smile with your entire face,
did you know?
It's so rare to come across
Such an open and honest laugh
these days.

I know, I know
I know you by now.
I can hear the echoes of the screams
You keep swallowing,
If I'm quiet enough.
I can see how furiously you
Blink back your tears
And how your hands tremble
In the morning.

Mornings.
I see how you fight with yourself
Stay in bed. No. Get up. Stay.
Some days, you can't even bother
To put on a clean shirt.
But you get up nonetheless;
I know how difficult that is -
Don't let a soul tell you any different.

Angry, angry girl.
Why why why do you carry
So much hate in your hands?
- 'But where where where
        where
        do I put it all down?'

I see how your chest
Is so full of love,
it's starting to break your heart.
Please won't you give some
Away?

I'm tired.
I've slept for 3 days straight,
But the weight of all these emotions
I've kept locked up too long
Are too, too strenuous to handle.

Lovely girl. Beautiful girl. Clever girl.
You've been laughing off compliments for years now.
Why do you always search
For the most unlovely and demeaning
adjectives for yourself?

Sad sad girl.
What are you so afraid of?
Why can you not stop crying?
Promise me, you will try
to stop breaking your own heart
before giving another soul the chance.

Hopeful girl.
Stars in your eyes and
Flowers growing wherever
You tread.
Keep on wishing wishing wishing
As you do love,
Keep on.

You are broken and
exhausted and
Full of love love love.
Please allow yourself a fraction,
And be ever so indulgent,
With the rest.

Smiling stranger
4 am
Head rush
Starts to blush
Are we really this high
Are we real
Are you going to kiss me
Yes
We are magnetic.
****,
I think we just went to space
I think I love your face
But it's just the drugs, babe.
It's just the drugs

Find me at 10 in the morning, coffee and cigarette in my hand
Find me in the middle of a street filled with people
Find me on a bridge at sunset
Or the beach at sunrise
Find me at a park in summer
Or the corner bookstore in winter
Find me when I'm sitting alone at a restaurant or surrounded by friends on a night out
Find me when I'm brushing my teeth or wrapped in bed sheets, drifting to sleep,
Looking for you in my dreams

(That's the only place you don't lose me)

Find me
Cause I've been looking for you
Find me
Cause I can't find you

I've let it all out.
And now all our memories
Are spilled all over the bathroom floor
In the form of teardrops and empty bottles.
Lost inside my sheets
And the crevices of my pillow.
Etched into my clothes in the form of cigarette burns and tear stains.
Caught between my teeth
When I tried to empty my stomach
Hoping my heart would pour out too.
Stuck underneath my fingernails trying to scratch your touch off my left arm where you touched me last.
I've wept and screamed and smoked my tired little heart to nothing but a vacant space longing to be occupied.
I've tried filling it with friends and books and writing poetry till my fingers bleed.
But an empty room
Is always an empty room
When you're not in it.

When a girl loses her hope,
She becomes the most dangerous creature.
Fairytales and happy endings
Have lost their appeal.
'Mr Right' has been buried along with
All the other prince charming's from her childhood story books.
She visits him only in her dreams.
Boys with smooth tongues and gripping fingers trail after her.
Her bright smile and piercing glare
Spell the words: "enter if you dare"
She will laugh at all your jokes and burn your skin with her touch.
And her hands, oh they're so soft and gentle,
You don't even notice your arm is on fire.
Cheap compliments spill out of your mouth one after the other
And when she does not say thank you,
But instead chuckles to herself
You cannot help how enticed you are.
Every word she utters is
Daring you to come closer.
You see the way she's looking at you,
With those cumbersome doe-eyes
And you think you know what
She wants  
And you think you have what
She needs
And you could not be more wrong.
She knows exactly the right witty remark to make, how to bat her lashes just right and how to laugh with just the right combination of coquettish and cute.
Stupid boys always like to think they can save girls who in their minds are 'too adorable for their own good'. Stupid boys are always trying to make themselves gentlemen by simplifying a girl to being 'pretty'.
The hopeful little darlings will swallow all of these unsavoury sentiments and store them in their naïve little hearts.
But not this girl.
Beware of the girl with no hope left.
To her, this is a game that she cannot lose anymore.
To her, you are nothing but a pawn;
Replaceable
Invaluable
She is a luxuriant forest
drenched in gasoline
A beautiful disaster waiting to happen.
She is so deceiving, so alluring,
You simply must have a taste
And you may.
But take warning:
She will light up in flames,
devour your little boy soul
and burn both of your bodies
to the ******* ground.

they all taught us to sit in the corner and stand in the kitchen, kneel in the bedroom and be afraid to say no. they taught us to wear lipstick on our lips like glue, to keep our opinions to ourselves, we learned to fear the men in the street because they don't ever ask - only take. we are taught to be pretty, precious, pure and believed them when they called out our names like lost puppies. we are slowly learning to unlearn. the feminine energy and spirit is healing and we are angry.

So now you look like you've got it all figured out right?
So now you finally found someone who you're not afraid to love right?
I stand in the corner
Hands wrapped around my chest
Because you're the one that taught me that my very best
Just wasn't good enough.
You told me someday I'll find someone to love me just like I loved you
You said they won't lie to me the way that you do
You said someday, someone
But never you.
Now I stand in the corner
And you're acting like you can't see me right?
At one point I was the only person you spoke to all day
Now you didn't even wish me on my birthday
I'm trying to make sense of love and why I always get the shortest string
Why boys line up at the door just to get a taste
& then spit me out the minute it's no longer a chase
I'm not trying to play these love games
I don't want their cheap compliments
I don't want the hand holding without the heart holding.
Why does it feel like I'm always begging him to love me
But at the same time telling him don't bother trying to trust me
And I'm not saying I've got it all figured out
In fact I'm way past falling apart
I just wanna know why your heart got spared when you were the one who ruined mine
How someone can love the ruiner
But not the ruined.
Why you got to walk away from this mess that I've become
This mess that you made
This mess that's not a mess at all
And now cause you couldn't love it
I won't let anyone else even try.

Short skirts, heels high
Straight back, skinny thighs
Dark lips, always smiling
Bat those lashes, keep them trying
To get a taste
To get a feel
Of the girl who is no longer real

Hearts turn to stone
When they've been broken too many times
Kisses don't mean anything
When you're wearing your disguise

Cause everyone's playing a part
In this **** show we call life
These days either you're too young
Or your heart is completely gone

And true love is not something we're used to anymore.

If you had found the perfect man for you. The one who held your troubles in his hands, smiled like the sky breaking and knew exactly what you needed when you said you’re tired or cold or sad - you would never have kept him. You will never keep him because look at how you run towards the boys who spill their liquored lust all over your heartbreak like it doesn’t exist so for a moment you can believe it really isn’t there. Do not blame them for not loving you, love was never what you were bringing to the table. Do not blame them for leaving you. Yes you welcomed them with open arms but you always left the back door unlocked so you could slip away in the middle of the night if they ever tried to stay. Men are not the heroes the movies made them out to be and if it’s loving that you want baby girl, it’s gotta be loving that you give. Nobody’s gonna save you but yourself

Young girl, wrinkled heart immaturely aged. Your wine is too sweet and your self confidence weak. You reak of naivety and romanticized happy endings. But the only thing ending is you. Did the world let you down once again, or was it just your blind hope that got the better of you? Did the false promises and the forgotten love-struck glances fool you? Is that why you're so mean and your eyes gleam with watered down love for a boy who was merely just a ploy in your moments so wrapped up in joy, that you didn't see it? You didn't see the lies for what they were. I don't blame you, sweet child, for they were so perfectly polished with 'good intentions' and contradicting sentences. You looked at him and you felt nothing less than the universe in your chest, but let me tell you, even his best will always be mediocre for you. Did the forgotten roses, wilted and pale on your windowsill make you believe that dead things can still prosper? I am sorry but it's time to realize that even though broken things are beautiful to look at, they will never grow and the cracks they show only allow more room for pain to seep in. I am telling you now, strong girl - leave it. New flowers bloom for you just outside the window and they are so sweet and they want to give just as much love as you do, if not even more. Leave him. He is not the soul you're meant to hold for all of time and he definitely doesn't deserve a second more of yours. Do the cigarettes and the open ended texts burn your tongue girl? Well good, that's what they're made for. If it hurts, it was intentional. If your hands shake whenever you wake because you had another dream where his love washed you clean, then push those dreams aside my love. They are nightmares now and the memories are sweet but your sheets lack the heat that his arms once promised. He promised but he didn't understand that you are the type to swallow words and hold his actions up to the light when they don't reciprocate what he claimed you two could make. You can make the world bold without his hand to hold and you can make it on your own, for your heart is your home. And no one else's.

Your heart isn't broken anymore. But your head hasn't forgotten the day you cried an ocean and flooded the entire street.
Your heart is strong again. But your head still replays memories of the summer you spent seven days straight in bed too sad to move.
Heart doesn't sink to your shoes anymore when you see him.
But Head keeps remembering how long she stayed there and how he begged her to beat again when you swallowed too many sleeping pills.
Heart is an addict fresh out of rehab and Head keeps locking your emotions up just like your mother used to do with the liquor cabinet.

Head says: Remember how you drank a that entire bitter bottle of wine as though it was water? Remember how you blacked out every night just to get away from me? Let me remind you of the day you kissed every single boy at the party and still went home crying into his voicemail.

Heart says: I want to feel warm again, it's been so cold and so dark for so long. I want forehead kisses and coffee kisses and salty kisses and sunset kisses. I want skin on skin with no kisses at all. I want honey words whispered over the phone at midnight so sweet my tooth aches.

Head says: I think I've got to go. I think you're losing me. I think I've forgotten to remember.

Heart says: don't forget I love you

I’m dancing with my favourite devil again
Didn’t think that he was for me again

You only like it when I’m ****** up
Think you using me to **** up
But for once don’t mistake
That my kisses are fake
You’re too scared to call me when you’re sober
But I’m too afraid to admit this is over
No more lies no more tears I said
I’ve got your back but don’t forget you stabbed mine
You thought I did you wrong
Was this your way of reacting?
Didn’t you think of picking up the phone,
Asking me to be honest?
I know you’re alone, I know you’ve got fears
But why was I the only one who ended up in tears
You’ve got pretty eyes - disappear when you smile
You’ve got prettier lies - always there no surprise
But you always make me laugh I’ll give you that
Even when you broke my heart
I laughed at you through the tears
Now it’s been over a year can you ******* believe it
Since we’ve been playing cat and mouse
With our drinks and our feelings
I never gave up on you, nursed hope in my heart
I knew that you would miss me.
I ******* knew it.
Yes you waited too long, yes patience is an art
I learnt for you
But don’t ever doubt it I’ll always choose me over you
You’re a little too late I’m a little too drunk
Let’s just keep kissing and never tell each other how we really feel.

You're not the you I know.
It's difficult to watch you these days. You've gained an air of arrogance
that fair enough, you've always had,
but you don't cover it up anymore.

You were never nice,
but you always cared.
Now,
your lack of sincerity
is painfully evident.

You were never reckless with your words, but always straightforward.
Now you say anything you can
Just to get a reaction.

We used to whisper over cracked phone lines -
"I miss you's" and "I'd do anything to have you here's"
Now we're occupying the same 2 square feet
And you can't even look me in the eye.

You're not the you I thought I knew
And I miss the old you quite a bit.
Maybe he's still in there somewhere
Or
This is the real you, and he who I loved
Is never coming back

It took me 3 years to get over him. He covered my pillow with tear stains and filled a journal with scribbled poetry. But he didn't even touch me or hold me in his arms. He never spoke to me over the phone at 3am and I never laughed with him like I did with you. He didn't fill my sheets with memories and he never saw my naked body or called me beautiful to my face. He didn't make me breakfast and walk 5 kilometers just to see me. You did. You did all those things and still, you had no intention of staying. That was all I wanted. I didn't ask for much. I just wanted you to tell me you weren't going anywhere and actually mean it. I put my already fickle and battered heart in your hands and you've decided I am too much for you after all. Now, I have no choice but to get over you and it feels like this pain will never come to an end and I don't want to move on. I don't want anyone if it's not you.

My broken heart,
your hands breaking.
The dark depths of my mind,
your hope sinking.
My reckless love
And your constant flinching...away

I'm supposed to be the one with the torn apart soul.
But you're the one who's all hands and no hold.

You like my head on your chest and your hand on my thigh
But when I speak of love,
all of a sudden you're shy.

You're all promise but no keep
And I'm all love and no sleep

And I forgive you,
Boy who promised me endless tomorrow's
And a lifetimes supply of love
But then left my heart, cold and abandoned
more than once.

I forgive you, best friend who said she would stay by my side no matter what,  
And left me sobbing and alone                    in a pool of my own *****.

I forgive you, mother who loves me with the world but can never seem to notice the way my cheeks are always tear stained and how I haven't eaten for a week.

Father, I forgive you for telling me home is always a safe place but making me feel like an imposter in my own home every time I enter the room;
Just because my grades didn't meet your standards.

I forgive you, kind sister who sometimes forgets that I just need a pair of arms to crawl into when I'm lonely and not
Disapproving looks and judge mental comments.

But most of all, I forgive you, sweet girl in the mirror.
Bright smile, brown skin, hateful glare.
I forgive you for not loving yourself enough
And thinking that you're never good enough.
I love you, okay?
And I forgive you for sometimes forgetting that.

What?
The fact that you made me the happiest version of myself before we'd even met. The strange looks from my mother when I was laughing on a Monday morning. My cheeks hurting from smiling too hard. Your head on my chest and your hand wrapped in mine like we've known each others bodies for years.

When?
After waiting way too long. Almost too late. 1 am in the middle of the week. Late night phone calls leading into the early hours of the morning. The busiest time of the year, but still more than enough time for each other. 8pm in my neighborhood playground - stars and street lights, my eyes sparkling like the stars when looking at you and our hearts flickering like the street lights, unsure, but burning nonetheless.

How?
Instincts and going with my gut. Swallowing my pride. Not being afraid for once. Letting you in. Effortless. Familiar. As if greeting an old friend from a previous life. Reminding me of what my real laugh sounded like. Wishing on first stars and last cigarettes. 11:11, every night and every morning - you. Bringing you home. Letting you in. So fast, we can barely keep up.

Why?
Everything comes naturally. The comfortable silence that doesn't need forced conversation to feel like we've said something. Seeing you everywhere. Talking to you when you're not here. Singing in front of me when I'd only known you for a week. Asking me if you can touch me before just assuming like the rest. The fact that I found it so strange at the time but thinking back now it is the only way it should ever be. Hearing you say my name and it's like the first time I'm actually hearing it. Me saying your name as if I've been waiting to say it my entire life.

Who?
You. Me. Complete opposites, but in so many ways the same person. You - charismatic and never running out of ways to make me smile. Walking into my mind and telling me things about myself I could never admit. Confidence shining through your every word and action. You get quiet when you speak about me though. I know what you want to say, but I still need to hear it. Always apologizing. Scared to put a foot wrong. Hearts on our sleeves. You. Me. Us.

Remember me with a smile on your face. Forget the bad parts- hurting me, uncertainty and almost losing our minds from not knowing where we were going. Forget my tears and the day you didn't eat because I ended things. Forget the fights and the bad jokes about leaving that weren't funny at all. Rather remember me by the good parts. Dancing together and kissing me at midnight in that little town street. Remember the smell of vanilla, oranges and jasmine on my neck. Remember laughing like old friends and the taste of strawberry fizzers as you waved goodbye on our first date. Remember the lace texture of my bra and the feeling of my fingers caressing your scar under your left eye. Remember how I looked at you - singing and playing on my piano. How I couldn't stop smiling whenever I saw you. And remember the park at night. City lights and the taste of cigarettes. Remember how whenever you said goodbye, I looked at you with big, disappointed eyes. Remember my voice at 2am over the phone and how you said you didn't know what to do because you liked me too much. Remember our bodies entwined and my breath on your neck. Skin on skin, under blankets and in over our heads. Hands and lips and teeth and it was just as emotional as it was physical. I adored you with every part of me- body, mind, heart and soul. Please know I had so much love for you. Feel it, hear it, taste it, smell it and look back and ask yourself, why you could never see it.

I hate the way you always try to play it cool. I hate the way you never admit to the way you feel. I hate how you never let me be right and how you never put up a fight for the things you want. I hate the way you just accept things when they go wrong and always question things when they go right. I hate how you always talk down to me. I hate the way you always laugh at my jokes when they're not even funny. I hate how you always cut me off. I hate how you play my piano and I hate how you know my favourite songs. I hate how you're always so afraid, so petrified of falling in love. I hate how you never believe I care and how you never cut your hair. I hate the way you pronounce my name, and the way you love me is never the same. I hate you when you're so far away. And I hate seeing you up close. I hate the way you sound so good on the phone. I hate how you're the only love I've ever known.

Do you allow yourself
To drown in our memories too?
It hurts my chest but I still smile thinking about those days we spent together.
How cruel of life
to give me something that makes me so irrevocably happy,
and take it away so suddenly
and so
harshly.

Too many times we've woken up in the same bed
Every single time in over our heads
I tried to make sunshine out of Pluto
I tried to make an ocean out of mud and tap water.
You gave me roses
And pointed out their thorns
I said I didn't mind a little blood,
It's all red anyway.
That's when you couldn't look at me;
Let alone for me
I said I would give you my heart
If you didn't mind barbed wire.
I said maybe we could save each other
You said just save me tonight
I said tell me your favourite colour
Tell me why you hate your father
Tell me who you are when no one is looking
You said no ones ever looking
I didn't say I always am.
You said a lot of things
And nothing at all
The way you squeezed my hand and held on to me in your sleep.
We spoke non-stop for hours
And then never again.

I drip
and bleed and spill and leak.
I overflow
and I don't know
the art of 'taking things slow'
Not when it comes to you,
Anyhow.

I scratch and scream,
Devour your dreams
And I still have the audacity
To ask for dessert.

I want everything you have to offer
And no, my dear,
I will not love you softer.

I need my soul to shatter
And it does not matter
What you do,
Just. Make. It. Mean. Something.

Make me look at the sky
And wonder why
Your voice makes me weak
And it's always a surprise.

I sigh and huff,
Poke, ponder, puff
Away on cigarettes like candy.
I wait and wilt
And wallow with guilt.

I curse at the clouds
for not teaching me
How 'not to stick around'
I want to run and heave
And finally ******* leave.
I want to push your pride
Underneath my thumb,
Tell you I wish
I never made you ***
Or come back.

I want to ****** the day
That sent you away.
why  couldn't you just stay

the first time?

I locked up my heart
Like a prisoner
It was a tough decision,
Necessary though.

She stood at the pulpit,
Eyes swollen and red.
She'd been crying for months now
Tears of love no one cared to collect.

She begged for freedom,
To give out her love as she pleased
Said she was too full, she would implode
If kept contained too long

Myself, the judge
Looked at her with disdain.
She was not meant for fickle relationships,
Half-hearted promises and slippery hands that failed to hold all the love
She never stopped dishing out.

The gavel slammed and
I proclaimed her guilty.
She had murdered reason and
Set insanity free.
Her love had poisoned her body,
causing her rib cage to collapse at the smallest thoughts of him.
She overdosed on naivety
when she continued to pour
Her love into memories, long after he was
Gone.

The poor thing didn't stand a chance
She had to be put away.
Defeat and acceptance carried
her to her cell.
Anger and loneliness chained
Her up.

I locked up my heart
Like a prisoner.
And, although I know
The decision was apt,
I visit her sometimes.
Midnights when I start to wonder...

Some nights she is
Screaming and savage,
Hands gripping the metal bars.
Other times she's quietly
Weeping
In the corner.

I can tell whether I'm interested in someone by the number of positive adjectives I can describe them by after speaking for the first time. I met you for the first time 4 months ago and we spoke for roughly an hour. By the time I got home I had thought of at least 30 adjectives and by the next morning, another 14. I thought maybe that was just my way and that I try to focus on the good in people and don't even acknowledge the negatives. After all, I spend my nights writing poetry and prose and whatever the hell else my mind can't hold in any longer. But then I realized, it wasn't me being poetic or even a poor judgement of bad character. Because, last night I met a boy whose eyes lit up when he looked at me and he didn't stop telling me how pretty I was. He smiled and laughed at everything I said and seemed ready to do almost anything for me. But after 4 hours with him, I drove home in silence. The only word I could come up with to describe him was 'nice' and that's when I realized that I wasn't listening when he spoke to me and I wasn't paying attention to the way he looked at me. I was preoccupied with memories of you and how I never had to try at all. We saw each other and seemed to pick up where we left off, perhaps from another lifetime. How easy it was to just take you in and have you hold me like you'd known me for years. My mind hasn't shut up about you since we met and I'm having a very hard time believing that the 'right person' is still out there waiting for me when you made it clear you don't want me anymore. And I can't imagine anyone feeling more right than you did.

I can't make up my mind. You should know this by now. What I wanted this morning is completely different to what I want in this moment and that will probably be completely different to what I'll want tomorrow. People change, but I think I change too quickly. Every emotion I feel is fleeting, although not completely gone. Like the ocean, my feelings come in waves. Just when I think I've forgotten you and I've stopped missing your presence; you come crashing onto the shore of my mind at full force. As soon as I think I'm content with my life and where I am, give it a while and the sadness will come in again as sure as the morning tide. I've always admired the stars. The steady, steady stars. Who have made up their mind and don't lose it, because they know they are happy. But I, I am always looking for what's to come or looking back on what I've missed out on. I make and break friendships so easily and although it hurts to lose so many people far too soon, I can't stick around. Boys who spilled their hearts out on the table for me to greedily consume and I swear, it wasn't my intention to let you go. I just always think I know what I want and when I realize you're not what I need, I am not strong enough to pretend that you are. I'm sorry for telling you that you were the one I've been waiting for and for calling you every night for hours on end. I'm sorry for reading you the poems I wrote and making you feel like you meant something to me. I'm sorry I drank too much when I finally saw you and couldn't hide the fact that I felt nothing for you. I really thought we could change the world, I thought you were everything I was looking for. I just wanted someone to hold me and someone to confide in and someone to love me by choice and not by default. I think the person I wanted you to be and the person you are is very different. You see, I'm very good at writing pretty words and making people feel something with my writing, when in truth, that's all it is; ink on a page. I'm not so great at making people stay and I'll push you out of my space as soon as I realize you've invaded it. You were so close to my heart, you could've reached out your hand and grabbed it. I would've let you keep it but I hope you understand that it would've ruined me. I love too much and I show it too little. I care a lot but if you care for me I'll run from your embrace. I'm so ready to give everything away and love someone irrevocably. I just don't think I'm ready for someone to love me the same way. You have to realize that if you want me, we have to take it so slowly that I won't even notice us falling. We have to take the stairs because at least if you're not there to catch me, I can take them back up. The truth is, I've never been good at happy endings. I've only ever been good at beginnings. Every relationship I've ever had, romantic or platonic, ended mid sentence.

and actually
the reason I don't know anything
is because you don't know anything
because if you did know
then I would know
I would know so well
But I don't want to be the only one that knows,
you know?

I don’t know when I taught myself that a man’s skin on your skin can only mean love or danger.
I’ve only recently learnt that danger looks a lot like love and
you knew just how to whisper dangerous words in my ear
and my brittle heart knew just how to turn them into love songs
I won’t lie and say I loved you.
I might have loved the you I made up in my dreams and I most definitely loved how much you didn’t love me at all.
You didn’t do anything spectacular and we didn’t talk about anything other than trivial matters so I guess that left room for my imagination to make a bed for you. And a future for us.

You were background music at the dinner table of my life and I only turned up the volume when I was full and drunk. I don’t remember any of the lyrics to your songs I just know I didn’t stop dancing we didn’t stop dancing. I don’t remember any promises made and all moments shared with you was never soft nor tender. You were the longest car ride with no destination in mind. Speed limits don’t exist for you, I don’t think I do either. We’re going so fast but we’re not going anywhere the music is too loud I can’t hear myself think and you don’t look at me unless you’ve had a drink and we’re always so ******* drunk

and I’m tired. I just want to go home.

-no, not to my parents that’s not home anymore and no not to my apartment building that isn’t home either. Too many things were taken from me there. Too many fragile moments just kept slipping through my fingers and smashing to the ground into a million little fragile pieces. And I’ve cleaned up an entire bedroom floor full of broken heart bits. Blood and all. I wiped the walls clean and scrubbed the sheets till the scent of detergent suffocated me. So every moment dropped to the floor was swept up and sent to the landfill. Hurt is not welcome to the party anymore. But it’s so difficult to say no when she’s best friends with all the other guests and you, you loved her so much you brought her with you in your pocket along with your drinks and your lies and I know I would’ve never said no to you. I would’ve never said no to you even though you kept telling me to.

I woke up alone the next morning to a room beautifully painted the most exquisite shade of heartbreak. So carefully and meticulously done that I didn’t notice it at first.

But I didn’t go to bed alone that night. Hurt wrapped her icy arms around me, right where you left her.

If home is where the heart is then so help me god, I’m going to need a map and a fast car cause I think my heart fell out my chest at a gas station at midnight
or in my hometown park,
possibly above the clocktower on New Years eve and almost certainly one of the countless nights when I danced with fairies and ghosts.
I promise the music will be incredible
and i won't stop driving unless I'm beside the ocean.
I won't start crying unless the sun is rising.

the waves and the sky break every day with no apologies or shame.
I will finally realize why broken hearts are the most beautiful of them all.

- I'm going home

And when you see where I was,
it'll hit you hard
That the air is more than just particles
And the touches leave you scarred.
It is more than just consciousness, tangible explanations
The theory is already there,
Without any reciprocations.
The jokes hung on the bough,
Long before you met his gaze
And love sat patiently waiting,
While you wrote of the haze.
I follow love like an eager puppy
And you chase her away.
But she sits persistently in the lobby
And won't be led astray.
Love is all lashes and pink lips
And you are the ocean - waves, foam and dips.
So your tide tires her
And her lipstick leaks
And next thing you know
Pink from your water peaks.
Overthinking can be violent
And draws destruction near
So let's give in to attraction,
Let energy control the gear.

Passion eeks out, you lose the steering wheel
And love doesn't drown, her gills are
******* real

How does one love an unloved thing? How does one love when you are an unloved thing. Maybe I am unlovable - is the conclusion I've come to. Which is why I spent an entire summer practicing the act of unloving someone. I learnt how to erase memories so well that I swore myself a completely different person back then. I taught myself how to turn every gentle touch of your fingers in my fingers, your lips on my neck, your head in my chest -into scars. Let me tell you, knives and fists aren't the only things that cut and bruise. I swear your mouth was a gun because with every kiss you gave me my heart took a bullet and I swore your eyes were the sun when I looked into them and couldn't see clearly for 8 months. I reminded myself for 364 days to forget you and by day 366 I'd forgotten our anniversary. I rewrote all the poems about you in the sand at sunrise. I didn't move till the tide came in 12 hours later and washed it all away. I followed them into the sea and swam and swam and swam. I didn't stop till I couldn't see the shore and the salt water burned my cheeks and I just keep waking up in tears thinking I'm drowning and I guess you could say I am.

Somehow the universe saw our souls, far apart in distance, but too alike, too perfectly matched to not be together. I'd like to believe our atoms fought to reunite as they have been best friends for all of time and brought her into my life. My sun. The warmth that never leaves her radiates from her eyes and makes you feel at ease. My sun came into my galaxy and when we saw how breath taking both dusk and dawn was, we knew she would be here to stay. Although the clouds cover her love sometimes, the storms make it hard to remember she still exists and every night it's too dark to see her, you know she is always, always there. Even if I can't see her light and feel the warmth she brings to my life all the time, I don't have to worry about missing her, because I know when I wake and draw back my curtain, there she will be, my brightest star, making sure I don't wallow in the darkness too long. I can't imagine my life without her, I don't know what I did before her. But I will be eternally grateful to her for lighting up my life and making me believe that I am never alone.

The sun sets at 6:05 pm and it's not even pretty because we're sitting on the wrong side of the tallest building in town. The laughs have become tired and a little forced. The conversation is dwindling and your hand is twitching to answer your phone. But it's cold so we'll sit folded into each other and you'll blow hot hair on to my ice-cold fingers and maybe we can keep pretending for a little longer. We are nearing our end after all. So the sun sets and the sky goes grey just like our love, but it will be black and empty and gone soon my darling, worry not. We sit in silence both waiting for the other to say something, to ask something. But we don't talk about what we really feel anymore and your reason is that you don't feel anything and my reason is that I feel too much and everyone is just waiting. We are two seeds that were planted together long ago. I did all the watering for us my love and I sat and I waited and I watered. Day after day and month after month. But I have become disgusted with waiting because our love never even breaks the surface of the soil and it is there it is there I know it is. But I have always likened you to sunshine and I  guess I had to realize that no matter how much love I poured into you, our flowers cannot bloom when the sun never sticks around long enough.

we said we didn't care,
laughed at our losses to soften the sting of unrequited love
and then swore we weren't insane
(i don't know if the reason i can't breathe
is the cigarettes or the heartache)
lately everyone feels as empty as their absence
-and i am grateful for the friends and the flowers
i just don't know why the good things can't be enough for me

The rains will come in the middle of the night and wash away the heaviness you've been carrying in your heart.
The rains will come; gentle and soothing at first, and then forceful and pounding
You've forgotten the difference between
feeling clean and feeling empty.
The difference between
feeling pure and feeling nothing at all.
You sigh too often because you are constantly forgetting to breathe.
But the rain will teach your tired lungs to allow oxygen to enter your chest and for now,
that will have to be good enough.
In the morning you will wake to air crisp and toxin-free.
You will feel the dew in-between your toes.
You will carry the weight in your heart with ease
and the puddles in the street will always be a reminder that sometimes
water doesn't flow, but fills.
All your cracks will be mended in due time.
It is when we don't allow time the chance to mend,
that emptiness sinks in.
Because you can fill your broken crevices
with liquor and smoke, with strangers' tongues. Things that take up space and distract.
But never heal.
Time is the only thing that can heal you
my love.
So allow the rain to cleanse your soul,
Allow the wounds to form scabs.
Then pick your scabs and forgive yourself for doing so because it is such a human thing to do.
But don't ever fear that you will never be whole again.
Time knows how long you need and
Time will have you looking back and laughing at the fact that you ever doubted its power for a second.

You should have met her back then.
She used to be so brave.
She used to be so fearless.
She loved with a heart so full and warm and eager to give everything she had.

She never feared the day he'd leave
And so when he did
Something sort of broke.
Her romantic soul and dreamlike mind
Suddenly awoke.
The stars in her eyes grew dim
And her hope ever so thin.

I wish you'd met her back then.
You can hardly recognize her now.
She plasters on a perfect smile
And puts up the strongest fight
She's even met someone new,
But it just doesn't feel right.

I wonder if you'll see her again?
The girl with the ocean for a heart.
She loved too deeply and
drowned them all to death.
And although it's gone
And he's moved on
How can her love just simply end?