Delayed response to ground control, oh how I was crying.
In retrospect, I was just shallow; like an astronaut only watching
himself as the rest of the world kept steadily spinning.
Impersonal up here, never caring about winning or losing.

The star charts that mentors showed lost to what my mind followed,
A winding path through this sacred space which I unhallowed.
I didn't flinch at blastoff; it wasn't bravery, it was me being a coward.

Sweating in a far away bed, steel round walls with no decoration,
Straining my mind fighting the moments of suffocation.
Spots in my vision, distortion and discoloration.
Seeing stars I glimpsed my comet on exhibition.
I would have to come back around. It was just a matter of my rotation.

Retrospect from ages back and to beyond where we will have gone.
Black holes made that can never be filled, endless they came, endless they will come. To touch down in glory, or stay on the run. Life is just a rocket that departs from the sun. The rest isn't lost, it just hasn't been done.

So as we eventually drift into deep space and age becomes our dawn, remember to look out the window and wave to the passerby's.
They will cheer you on.

Fog through my window
Created the most beautiful sunrise I have seen in years
Came through my room this morning and beckoned me to open my doors.
I lit a cigarette and saw them blend white and blue.
The green earth was speaking words in silence.
Of a soft strength one could comprehend without eyes

I said so long.
Let reality slip away
There is no way to recall
What the trees said that day.
An emotion so loud
I could not remember what was said to me
But the message was clear.

You don't have to find anything.
It is in you, the crowd that sees you
And you never have to perform for them
Just leave space for your exits and entries.
...Never give them away.

I find the tragedies of people so heartbreaking. Addiction is misunderstood, and this has become my understanding.

I realize that this disease is not about drugs. Drugs are only a symptom of addiction or the "ism". Some people do drugs, while others collect things, suffer endlessly in painful relationships, others obsess over things they cannot control.

The real beginnings of many of our problems comes from far back in our lives starting with childhood and upbringing. We are told that we are expected to be a certain way and that we must follow the examples of others. Even though we should believe that adults that abuse us are wrong, we internalize it and find it to be our faults. “What did I do wrong? I shouldn't have done that. I must do better next time.” I have looked inside of myself and translated that this life terrorizing issue is hard to understand, yet simple.

We have a personality we have grown up with and created. An ego represented by coats of armor that we put on. We put on a new layer of armor each time we are hurt or learn a lesson. Eventually these suits of armor start to get so heavy, we cannot move, we cannot breathe. We try to walk around and be true to ourselves but our defenses make it nearly impossible. We only want people to see what we let them to and tell our true nature to shut up. We think our true selves aren't enough to be loved and isn't worth showing people. We become ashamed of what we actually are underneath. Our Egocentricity takes over and creates that facade we want people to see.

There are several walls we must break down in order to free ourselves of the thousands of layers of armor we put on over our lifetimes. We have the first wall: our personality we present to others. We must know it and see ourselves for what we actually are. There is nothing wrong with you. You are a wonderful human being that is deserving of everything life has to offer. The second wall is the big brute who bullies you at any cost to keep himself alive: Self-hate. It is your greatest critic, your manipulator, and your source of evil. You must look at your self-hate as a black dog behind you that is always barking, looking for attention, undisciplined and untrained. Wild, vicious and dangerous, it will do anything to get what it wants from you and does not love you. It will beg and give you those puppy eyes, but it is always lying to get what it wants... In front of you is another dog. Your true self. It is a little puppy that has not been nurtured or given attention in a long time. This puppy does not bark, it does not cry. It just wants your unconditional love as it has for you.

You must not ignore the black dog behind you. It must be stared straight in the face and you must say NO. This is where the last wall and line of defense against your true nature and love for yourself hides: Fear. You are afraid that this desperate black dog will bite you when it doesn't get what it wants. It will bark so loud you cannot hear anything and you are afraid of being ripped apart and die if you do not give it what it needs. Yet, this dog has a hidden chain attached to it you have never seen or knew about before. It cannot get to you if you don't let it near you. You must make the deep and soul searching decision through great fear and with courage to never give this dog what it wants again...
Turn your eyes forward...

See the little puppy in front of you? It looks at you with those big eyes filled with the desire for you to love it and take care of it. That puppy is you... Don’t be afraid of the work it takes to raise that puppy, because it will grow up slowly yet surely and be your undying companion; always guiding you to the happiness you deserve. Give it some water, some food, your love and take it on walks.
This is you. This is your puppy. If you can learn to love this puppy and nurture it, you will have found you love yourself. When you can love yourself, you can then love another...
The suits of armor come off and you can finally move away from that black dog behind you forever. The love you found will flow into you. You will be able to live with freedom, unchained from your self-hate and fears. Nobody can say you are a bad person anymore. You have taken such good care of that puppy that you don’t need anybody's approval. Your own puppy is happy, and he loves you unconditionally. It is unconditional love for yourself.

Everybody has this armor on and everybody has different weights on their shoulders. It is up to you to decide when to break free. I will pray for you all in the mean time. Please pray for yourself and others.
And as you do, remember to love freely.

I have beautiful nightmares still to this day of our times together.
I see her face, of which I do not like to recall but nevertheless, blindingly unforgettable.
Just the burning ashes and shadowy silhouettes that dance in the corridors of my mind between darkened doorways and buzzing lights.
No wind, growing still air and a stench of old sketch books and burning lighters.

Some things you wish you could forget, while others, you wish you could remember.

For many years I loved you
Keeping my heart close at hand.
Since then I couldn't stand
Watching you run again and again
For fear of loving another man,

And I hoped I would feel you
If only to heal you
Yet you took it all away
And won't give it back.

And I know why you cry and all the reasons why you can't stop.
Praying for an end to the heart attacks and sudden drops.

So when the world comes crashing down,
You will see me once again
With a life near death
Loving you with a smile
Forever beyond the end

Many people say, "I'll try anything once".

Idiots.

There are some things in this world you should not try.
Curiosity seduces, naiveté weakens.

Oh, you thought you could handle it?
The pleasure, the paranoia, the pain, the euphoria?
Your shuttered lids show a missing regret.

Yes, it was an insane though, turned a lengthy process.
When you go that far, you can never go home.
They won't let you.

And no, you can't use the ******* telephone.

As I sip on my own quote,
"Sometimes"

***** Gems
Outshine dull
diamonds.

Clippings in my life
Staying up at night
Are memories of afar
As echoes of the past
Flow through the portal door

In visions ballroom dancers
Masquerade and banter
I see through their eyes
A shade under the sky
Where kings of kingdoms
Repaired their stables
Repenting with each staple
Wondering if they destroyed the world

I'm not going down without a fight.
I'm ready for War.
This battle-zone is afire.
My plane isn't going down with both wings ripped apart.
Blood on my face, water flow on a short night.
I'm not falling in battle with this purple heart.
The stray shells and the firing lines, lock and load, no man left behind.

When push comes to shove, and you look in the other man's eyes, all you will see is yourself, so do you want to live and let him die?
When the muzzle leads to the shovel, who will bury the last?
Bleached bones, blackened skin, torn flesh among the rubble.
It means nothing to me...
Flag half mast.

Watching my friends die can't cause me pain anymore.
I can't let them recover while the enemy is reloading on the other shore.
Nothing means anything like it did before.

A race to the finish where both sides lost. If we never fought, we wouldn't have to win a war.
The deafening sound of exploding cores falling from the sky, I screamed for no more.
I lived while I watched the whole world die...

When the devastation is over, turn the sword into a scythe.
Let children reap and thresh a fresh new world.
It will only begin though when I die.
And only if they try.

At home on a ledge; Kids.
Remember to stay on the right, look through the scope, never forget your passions, your childhood, mother earth, family, how the sun sets in the west, the bottom, vital link of the chain, the journey, not the destination, the gift of life, neighbors, and strangers, your best friend, heaven above.
Dig for the sky, feel the ripple, slow roll, and mountain waves.
Reflect the days, spinning praise, our place in nature, your off-ramp to work, your on-ramp to happiness, and the little things we forget…

Blindly crawling, ****** kneed, trembling.
Feeling in the darkness, the murk and muck on the floor covers knees.
Breath uneven and scared, terrified again.

There are no doors, no windows, no others.
The cell has no features, only walls with no color.
An expression of the mind, an image of nightmare. Empty.

The lack of content is what scares.
Air so thick, one would choke, but I can't open my mouth.
Nothingness pervades. Wades through the thoughts to another corner.

With but thy blood and fingernails, messages are cut, carved and scraped into the grey concrete of these walls, words begging to not be forgotten.
Messages mandating weak memory to scribe.

This is my mind. This is where each day I reside.

In terror of the world, I am not inside.
in horror of the things I think, or thought?
I know not nor remember what I do, I am scared.
Naked, afraid and trying to remember the lessons I learned so long ago.

Goose-bump covered and huddled in the corner.
Hands wrapped around my knees, crying, shaking.
Dead inside, hollowed out. Nobody home.
Betrayed again...
By myself.

Beside myself.

I write you my love, with words like a lonely angel
For eternity you have my dark adoration
Being with you was one in a million
Nothing compares to all the situations

From the domestic violence
To the endless interventions
To the drugs we did together
To the constant confrontations
To the cops we avoided
And the hit-and-miss rehabilitation

I'm so sorry you fell...

A whisper to our past
Haunting my future
Hinting at the emotions
Hearing your aberration
Beyond the earth and years
Wondering if this was all a dream, or just tragic fiction

When I look up at the stars, they give your description

In every city that we traveled
I wrote a diary at every station
I recorded every tear, every scream
Every laugh, every sensation.
The times you walked out of my car
The times I locked you out of the condominium
After we would both forgive so easily
We kept a strong and struggling relation

Though you are no longer by my side,
I walk the earth waiting,
For the day the end comes
And the goodbye becomes a reunion
Without fear, without hesitation

Dear guardian angels,
Why have you stood aside so still?
We all swim in this sea of
Desire and rampant will.

Starting wars and fighting wars, losing battles on both sides.
We find these humans worried, fearing the end of eternity.
Unbelievable how tired God must be to prove there is divinity.
Praying all of us can see the error of ours ways.

Breaking down the walls,
Just passing through.
Hoping now for something new.
Waiting for a solution,
Something we find true.

Giving life and taking life is all we know spinning on this wonder-world
Unfortunate that we only believe the things we tell ourselves
What is the reason for this perfect flaw put in human form
Existence of the meaning hidden, only self division keeps us inside here

Made up thoughts, thoughts we knew
The insufficient evidence
Should still be enough to use
Let's keep trying, we're almost through
Try for us all, I will try for you

Carelessly we cut down colors, leaving only grey and blue
Selfish as it seems, we know no difference heading towards an end
Following the concrete path, we walk with hungry hands in line
Crying to the skies for a rain cloud to come by, to quench this thirst for clues.

Find it now, find the truth
Find the inevitable, find what's new
Find the impossible, find a new you
Find this gift that was given

Right in front of you
.....

Lifting my chest, I float from safety
An anxious excitement at the proposition of infinity
It's not a drug, it's formless, ironically.
Cheating won't let me.

I just want to let my lids relax
Let my hands fall free
Lean back into vertigo
And let the glow consume me.

Holy Grails and books of ancients
Cannot deny me because of sins
Nobody suffers except for the angels
Who will have one less friend

Of warm, still winds,
Which willows bow and bend,
The place where we go, we assume never ends.
Elysium, Nirvana, Valhalla or Heaven

To disappear isn't my wish
I want to be lifted away from mortal fear.
I just desire to feel more than this
With these few precious moments I have here

Surmounting expectations create competition with me and my companions.
People now bumping into each other from exponential expansion.
Existential Conundrum.
It happens.

You have to get a job, be better than everyone else.
You gotta get rich, but donate and be "selfless". Be an entrepreneur with millions that saves dolphins, bungee off the Eiffel Tower with the Prime Minister of Ireland.

Can't help but feel like we were born in a sandbox with too much expected from us, with such little, never promised rewards.
Cardboard presentations with glitter and glue, high scores on the whiteboard.
"Mom, please... I'm bored."

A Mr. or Mrs. Perfect, immune to hangovers and pressure, while keeping a 4.0 who must always be "in the moment", in full control.
Yeah, right. Maybe with a rich football coach who lets you smoke and dope if you run a ball and don't choke... Pray you don't grow old and dash his championship goal.

So when I feel my life is diminutive, worthless with no conviction, I just tell myself that I helped people I never remembered or knew. Nobody really has a clue with all this media, race and religion. Whether you think it's science, fact, or fiction, It's just a temporary illusion of your imagination.

Contains some of the most beautiful things

Writing fiction, praying, falling in love, dreams, our wild imaginations, dance, Crying, painting, music, lying, and running from nothing.

The most irrational of all,
Is finding the truth
In something.

When I was with her,
I never felt so alive, nor dead.
I never felt so much love, nor so alone.
I never felt so much pain, and so much joy.
I never knew how strong I was, nor how weak.
I never knew what I could do, nor what was out of reach.
Still can't see a difference between loving her and torturing me.

I admitted every wrong thing I have ever done.
ALL OF THEM.
I had to give the grand list of all of my resentments, fears, harms, and ****** misconducts I had ever committed in my life and tell all of it. All of the gory, gritty, *****, uncomfortable wreckage and baggage a person carries that you would never tell anybody, not even your best friend or wife.  Not just that, I had to find the resentments I had in my life and discover where the fault in my actions had me at fault...
I will not go into any detail about what I said on that mountain that day.
All I will say is what I found out about myself.
I had realized that every resentment I had was because I did not get my way, that people didn't do what I wanted them to do, and that I couldn't have complete control. All of my fears came from me not being able to to control these situations. This fear was born because I wanted to be accepted and if I wasn't, I had to find a way how to be accepted, no matter what. Through my pain, I created a fear of other individuals in which I wouldn't let people close to me. I was hurt by the girl I lost my virginity to and in turn, I treated women like they were all objects, and used them, out of fear that I would be hurt again if I didn't treat them badly first, or treat them as they “deserved”. If I didn't like what happened in a situation, either with a job, a girl, a friend, or anything else, I would turn it into a resentment and blame others. This roundabout of negative reinforcement in my actions created a long and downward spiral which to this day has governed my actions to put on a mask. Behind that mask, was an illusory person that would prey on others or target and focus on things I wanted, regardless of the repercussions.

It was explained to me that I had the unnatural ability to get what I want from people through reading and listening to them, and was able to do it very quickly. Within ten minutes of talking to me, I could know your personality, your insecurities, your desires, your strengths and your weaknesses.  As an example, when I would see a girl I liked, I would unknowingly look at her, target her and find her vulnerabilities, likes, dislikes, habits, turn-ons or anything I could find out that would help me get what I wanted. I would use these things to my disposal and manipulate this person, upcoming situations, or other parties to create an atmosphere or climate which I could have control of and then ****** this person through mind games and lies to get what my sick mind wanted.

Now hearing this about myself and coming to the realization that this is the way I have behaved in every relationship I have ever been in, I was horrified. My immediate reaction was that I had just envisioned and compared myself as a cult leader, a serial killer, as a mob boss...
As a predator.
I knew the only thing I could do in my heart at that moment was exactly what the program I was in called for. Complete honesty and desire to be relieved of these defects of character and how to do what I could with these skills to help others for good. I asked what I should do... He said, “Pray”.

I asked the universal force I understand to be the creator of all things and myself to give me the strength to do with me what I could not do for myself. To let these things wash away and give me the strength to change the things to come which I could not in the past, and let me walk through life as a person I want to be. I ask for vision as I write this to remember what I have learned and not let it slip away or be buried by fear and self-hate. To let myself be okay within my own and do what I know is right. Just when I wake up tomorrow, I'll remember.

If I rise today
There will be no tomorrow
For I am the rider
Of earth, wind, and fire.

And if you see me
I'll be flying my sails
With the winds blow
Left from my trail

For I am the rider,
Of earth, wind and fire

And if you felt me
Burning on my way
left from the fires
Of what I say

You'll know I am the rider,
Of earth wind and fire.

So if you're moved
from the ground where you stay,
and the earth I have laid
You will know the way
That I have paved

For I am the rider, of Earth, Wind, and Fire.

No value,
Direction, motivation, trust,
Guidance, inspiration, role models, voice, belonging,
Career, money, health, hope, encouragement,
Patience, acceptance, love, sympathy, safety, or salvation

Driven insane

Lonely mountains of sadness, anger, courage and pain

-o-0-o-
With my two eyes closed, the third sees beyond the edge of the horizon.
Keeping us within its sight, unopposed.
In the center of the energy, I experience an alternate path that has not been disclosed.
Unending, undivided.
You are not alone, this symphony plays for us both, and this Universe we interpret will provide it.
Keep digging, diving, deriving, speaking, seeing, hearing, feeling, believing, sensing.
Unrelenting, still unconditional, yet undeniable, so undefinable, and indescribable...
Yet Loving

Slowly, you come before
Me in this warm light
As the only thing I want.

Don't make it a dream,
just give in.
Let me seep in.
Seep into me.

Your fold, my sin,
our whole existence, manifest
in you, my friend.
Tempt intense,
your taste, my wish
to make you want it badly.

Hold me, come again.
Intense, breathe slowly and return
this favor I ask you so sincere and desperately.
Give me your secret, your desire, your fire
what inspires
your mind and soul.

This last chance, this request
I whisper loud.
One taste, your sin, your ***.
Your salvation I beg to give you
One more time.

One caress, one gesture
One grace
This taste of you
my dark nirvana.