Stripped naked, burned alive and thrown in snow
Sitting silently as job after job lets you go
Showering under a faucet in a metro
Savagely being beaten by someone you love and know

Exiled by your teacher
Kidnapped by a dealer
***** by an actor
Drowned in a theater

Locked in a crematorium
Lost in an aquarium
Arrested in a museum
Killed in a stadium

Shot in a field by my favorite person
Stabbed in the chest with a needle that's bent.
Stumbling blindly, helping her up, feeling it pierce again.

Every night, for ninety-nine straight
I have been losing my heart, losing my love, losing my mind over a woman that fell from above and plummeted far below.

These nightmares started when I stopped holding on and I let her go ninety-nine nights and days ago.

I just realized today that I have never been in a healthy relationship with anybody in my life.
Not friends, nor family, nor lovers.
I am a liar.
I am a frightened Child.
I am a broken, sick individual
More than just a foot in the grave,
A living, hollow, death.
My own slave.

I can change that right now, Today.
Grasp the moment,
Love Myself.
Intensely.

Close my eyes,
Find the inner flame,
Concentrate the pain,
Put it in a box for God to cast out of the fray,
Into the river of time,
And let it all wash away...

Push it away.
Gently, let it flow down stream
To be consumed by the waves
In the great ocean

It is the only way I can be saved.
I must and will take it minute by minute, until I can shake off my unnatural ways.

Will I remember the relief I felt when I was dragged into those rooms?
Will I forget the love that I threw away, the conundrums and curses, I wove into my loom?
The life I threatened to **** away when I couldn't see myself in the mirror?

It will never come back if I don't come around.
It will always be there if I walk back and start over, remembering to follow the sound.
The rooms will always be there, waiting to accept me with open arms.

By empathy, I take vicariously from those who say God keeps us from harm.
By praying for me, as I pray for you.
Release me from my suffering and give me an honest you.
That would be enough,
That will do...

Ad Infinitum.
I'll just do what my heart tells me to do.

I sit here contemplating altruism.
I wonder why I get frustrated when there is no reciprocation.

Teach a man to fish, he will steal all your business.
Give a beggar coins, he can only buy a pint of Guinness.

I'm ******* tired of this ****. Somebody is living their dreams by taking mine away. I'd rather be beaten and hit than give up one more day.

Like trying to play guitar for others, just to be told "You ****".
I try to ignore the deterring phrase, "You'll never make a buck".

Teach a child love and tolerance, he will be abused and stepped on.
Give a loser a second chance, he will steal from you when you're gone.

Altruism doesn't exist. It's in my nature to share this exhibit.
Too bad it hurts me, feels like my belief is somehow complicit.

I hope I can see what I should give, and what I should prohibit.
Judge my charity, my gifts, my intentions, these words from my lips.

You call me an altruistic *******... But you're just a selfish *******.

We can't think straight
Our stomach is in knots
We can barely eat anymore
And our love is dead

Ruthless world it is
Struggle is never ending
The rich proceed to get richer
While the poor feed on each other

I see my neighbors stop trusting
While friends and townsfolk cower
The market claims it's our own fault
When the chips were never in our favor

I want to fight a thousand people
Yet I'd only get my *** beaten
But I'm so angry at the treatment
This can't be the human condition

Lights out
Closed
Reflection
Inner thoughts
Mingling
Contraction
Memories lapse
Reviewed
Deduction
Open eyes
Dilation
Flooding
Reaction
What is perceived,
Is all we know

I'm having a dozen dreams a night; fluid and lucid.
I prefer this imagination and fantasy in my bed.
It's a lot of fun, also terrifying,
All in black and red...

Deep diving indoor pools with oil rigs and sea monsters.
I butterfly and sidestroke across the unfathomable chlorine waters.

Gliding downstream through swampy, vine-roped forests.
I end up in mangrove lakes, a canopy of bright glowing mushrooms.

Zombie hordes making me hide in closets at my parent's house.
They never break down the door, I don't understand why they carouse.

Being in a place without time, space, colors, physics or floors,
Talking to people I barely know, with no names or faces. Am I bored?

Sitting in my underwear on a dock, waiting for the bus
The others don't even seen me, but the cute girl next to me does.

I learn to fly, jump off a roof, start falling, then forget.
I twitch in my covers from a concrete slab, comical to wake up dead.

Sometimes I just sit in a cave with a reflection of myself
Talking to my ego; arguing and reasoning with nobody else.

Every time I close my eyes and lay my head,
I feel like a mad-hatter, locked in wonderland.

Leaving the seduction, comfort and sins of suburbia is no easy task
For those spoiled to the point of sickness.
Privilege and entitlement.
Sadly, unable to survive...
Where are we?

Within the last few years since I left recovery, I have let many people and things into my life that have dragged me down over and over again thinking that my sympathy, empathy and support will somehow give these people the hope and help that I, myself was given. Combined with the feeling that many mistakes (that hurt people) I have made remain unfixed, my life choices from past to the present haunt me and cause me to lose sleep on a regular basis. I wake up half of my mornings feeling this isn't the life I want.

I feel used, unappreciated, helpless, unaccomplished, worthless, scared, alone, don't want to talk to anybody because I don't want to burden them... The list goes on.

(This is not every day. My friends, family and loved ones are plentiful and there for me. I am nevertheless thriving.)

This has caused me to be resentful, unable to trust, become guarded and unloving. This isn't me, nor the person I want to be. I have since cut out several people in my life, some suddenly and without explanation. I want to love these people just as much as I want to cuss at them. Steal from me, get loaded and make bad choices, refuse to pay me back, lie to me, cheat me, slander my name. Go ahead. You aren't going to be in my life for very long. Those types are no longer welcome, and I pray they stop one day because those people and those actions destroy this world slowly.

Regarding MY mistakes, there are some people I will never be able to make amends to because I will likely never see them again, while some will simply not accept it. Since I cannot make amends to these people, the only way I know how to feel better is to make a living amends and add good to this world in other places. These people will never know how badly I want redemption; for the last 6 months, I have given up my Saturdays and gone to the local ER and volunteered. My soul feels a bit better because of it and sadly it is the only institution that I feel valued at (irony that I don't get paid). I try and find things in my life that give me meaning, and do them. While some people will always hate me and only remember the messed up, strung out me, I have no choice except to breathe deep, but shaky, and trudge on. If this is the only life I will ever have, I choose to not let these people and my past haunt me. I choose to be here as a positive in the universe and will struggle with this until it kills me or hopefully until I don't have to.

I have tried for three years now my **** hardest to cope with a difficult work environment, deadly addiction and debilitating neurological issues. Few have given me answers or much less understood what the hell is wrong with me, none have provided a solution. Doctors don't know anything beyond their prescription pads it seems. The best help I get is a blank check for medical bills from my parents. They should not be suffering for my problems, I am 27. This only makes me feel more inept and worthless as well that I cannot take care of them. I took so much from them when I was bad, I don't want to take anymore.

I have gone and lost my **** far too many times because of what other people do... If you are finding yourself being self-destructive, you are likely hurting others with your actions. You need to remember that when you bring negativity to the table, you share it with those around you... I fight everyday to keep these negative demons away literally self-checking every hour I am awake and breathing (it is exhausting), but the factors adding to it must be recognized and dealt with. I'm tired of putting bandaids on infected situations, I want the infections out and the scars to form. I'm done with this phase of life's BS.

I made a promise three years ago that I would never give up, nor fall back to where I was. I am not perfect, but I will give myself one hell of an A for effort.

The few times when I see my efforts or apologies were appreciated, it feels like heaven. It is always worth it to help others as long as you don't give yourself and everything away.

If nations were like people, and cultures were like opinions,
We wouldn't worry about blood spilling over dominion

But people act like nations, and our opinions form cultures,
So our children will be killing each other because of their parents.
Vampires and vultures

Woke up at 7:00 AM,
went over to my Dali-style melting clock, took it off the wall and watched as just as easily I could turn time back, it would still rush forward.

The definition of success can be compared to a tree in a hurricane.
Although you can be whipped around,
ripped apart, sundered,
and even uprooted,
you still managed
to drop seeds
along the
way.

Fires from a living hell
God has plucked me from conflagration
For the first time
I wiped tears of peace from my face

Well I'm sitting here with my friends
      and I can't tell them why
     this is the end
    of the times I'll try
   to explain again,
what I feel,
now,
and never
Again.

God, this universe larger than I, powers that be, Please hear my cry

I want to grow,
To make more music and write,
Meet people and travel.
If I don't, I'm going to stall,
Tumble into free-fall.
I would be the living dead;
A shadow of what I could've had.

I'm not scared of dying,
I'm scared of never living again.

This body, Which contains my soul.
Holds my desires, and that ever thirsting fire to feel beyond what my mind can experience. I can sometimes feel what my senses tells me exists beyond myself.
I must push forward and move through the fold. This beauty beyond myself shows no bounds.
To give myself is a sacrifice that must be paid if I am to see the extent of possibility.
No matter what, I must pierce this whole existence, this experience.
I choose to live, I choose to die, I choose to feel and to tell the truth and to lie.
To spin beyond the chance to be here, breathe, live and be alive.
I excite my existence and fight, what I see, and what appeals.
For they are not the same, and I know nobody else is the same.
Give the scream of your life and show you care more than you ever feel.

Shed some light on reality.

Lets change this world
Let's make it better than we were left it
Let's make sure we have clean oceans and healthy land
Water in our lakes and rivers
Food in people's mouths
Olive branches in our hands.

No more wars
No more corporate overreach
No more fears of what we cannot see
No more sitting in our houses
Take back our democracy
Take to the streets

A cursed quench to a thirst I will never reverse
Game perverse
Coming in last, placing in first
Having nothing gives you something
Starving could be worse

Is my nature an appealing surprise?
Or do I walk through dreams in other's afterlives?
You make me wonder

As I float on clouds I see a familiar sign of you.... YOU
When I am here, I feel high, looking into your eyes... YOU.
You are a wonderment to the world.

So lets run and hide
We will sleep under a thousand skies for the rest of our lives
Just me and you
We will be eternal tonight

Dreams.

The most tantalizing dreams are the ones that I cannot recall except for the lingering emotion and flash of an image that causes one to be haunted by a long forgotten reverie. Do I not remember because it was nothing? Or do I not remember because I am afraid to?

We might dig for the rest of the morning trying to find it again.
Sometimes it comes to us in the late stretching sunset, touched by Déjà vu.  
Other times, it is lost forever.
Was it lost love taunting the lover?
A monster chasing you?
Was it falling from a hotel roof?
Maybe it was flying before tumbling to Earth.
Sometimes it’s a mind just spinning, floating through time.
Lucid as all hell.

Love, fear, excitement, anger.
Wonderment with a million emotions shared,
but not connected to seven billion others in our daily oceans.
No matter what, when you are a dreamer,
you can be the only one.

Don't be afraid to remember, and it's okay to forget.
Have fun.
Just don't stare too long into your soul's sun.