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Dec 2018 · 171
Delivered
Kevin Eli Dec 2018
Fires from a living hell
God has plucked me from conflagration
For the first time
I wiped tears of peace from my face
2015
Feb 2018 · 348
World of Night
Kevin Eli Feb 2018
Dragging sheets over head during the dark of night
Slipping away, crawling into the mind's cave
Sequentially tumbling into the dark chasm
Million-mile, feathery fall through a grey abandon

Upon landing scenes start with a glowing sky
Swirled in blue, red, purple, yellow and black
Somehow familiar, I'm sad but never scared nor cry
A house sits empty, tall and alone
Upon a hill where an empty tree decays
Tended, yet desecrated and dry
Don't go inside... Don't go inside.... No, not alone
Deep wells awash with ghosts and faceless ghouls
Shells of scenes you never want to see
My nightmares and wanton dreams

The wind slides thick across the terrain with an audible scream
Down the hill is a black frothing stream
Surrounded by naked women and wild men,
****** and killing, each other over and over again
Familiar faces start to stare as I pass the heathen fire and fare
Glowing insects lounge like lanterns, witnessing their share
Sudden cold hand grabs me, trying to force me to participate
But closed eyes make no contact; I thrash with teeth bared,
Clinging with dried torn hands and lost hair
The black stream saves me by dragging me under
Until I slowly disappear

A cave with a pool reveals the next stanza
Wooden dry dock and blue water give a purple glow
A girl sits there with a boy, his shadow on the wall is a crow
Cawing, he has a voice that I understand and know
She, a snake body that sheds and rapidly grows
The couple melts and I suddenly slow down, down, down...
Deeper this continues to go

I wake up in a bed, but it's not my room
White lights above and dark faces ahead encircle me
Trying to inject me with my doom
I beg and scream
"This isn't my intent, this wasn't my desire!"
But it's all my fault the past was doomed
Thrown punches and scrambling for a door
I find the walls fall and the lights glimmer no more
The floor sympathizes and surrenders
Sees the pain and turns to a warm pool
Dazed, I float on to the morning's shore

Endless nights of fantasy and hedonist to the core
I'll be thrown from the night into fantasy once more
Don't envy me or the source of my quill's tone
I hide all the monsters under my pillow
I run like the rabbit during the day and run like the devil during the night.
Kevin Eli Jan 2018
It's quite a feeling to wake up each day a little less numb. Honestly, it's terrifying to feel... anything. When somebody has carried on for so long without allowing oneself to feel love, accept love, or take risks to find love, they start to find that they are only half a human and only half living.

This chord may resonate like the sad sound of a violin because maybe the last time you fully loved someone, it gave you the ultimate pain, sadness, loss and suffering to the point where your favorite places, foods, music, shows, hobbies became a hole in your heart and breath. Where the sanctuary of sleep meant nothing to the rising haunted and longing memories within. Where the only solution you can think of is not waking up again and again.

That hole never goes away, and it's something that you just try to get used to. Some people don't, and they take their lives, or die of a broken heart, while others become lifeless. These last hold no light within their eyes, walking amongst us like hollow puppets on strings led onward by everyone else but themselves, never recovering from the shock of the loss of what they loved more than their self.

One remarkable feeling that often remains in loss is hate. To find blame and ask why a million times about a million things and run in a circle screaming at the top of your lungs every time the radio plays their favorite song and you blame the DJ for reminding you is insanity, but you're just looking for somewhere safe...

But you can never have it another way and you make lemonade as best as you can, unsweetened and sour. Knowing we all expire like the lemons under the tree, we make that **** lemonade and bring our recipe to market. With a second wind, the slightest breezes somehow keeps blowing down your lemonade stand.

Others may laugh and abuse you for what they see as a ****-poor performance at making lemonade, but they don't know how hard it was for this person to crawl on ****** hands and broken knees while their salty tears fell into the lemonade they call their own life then shakily offer you a half full Dixie cup of everything they had left.

I applaud those who have had to make lemonade with less than lemons and I applaud those who are willing to try these ad hoc recipes the most broken of us scribble frantic and blindly. Society tells us it is universal that we all want love, but the things that love entail like sadness, grief and loss are unwanted and many believe they can avoid the minefield by being picky, guarded, flighty or selfish... That's not love.

Love is work, love is painful. Love can take a lifetime out of you. It requires that we dedicate precious time here on Earth which we never get back to someone other than ourselves, and that is a risk that must be taken if it is to be found. You will get hurt, you will be broken, you will survive or succeed on your own terms. As humans, we look at the world and wonder why about everything; why am I alone? why does love hurt?

Only the universe knows. O' to say we should never ask if it was worth it and laugh. It always is. Even if you end up at 88 or 28 placing flowers on their grave, love is worth the risk.
Jul 2017 · 284
Star Spangled Satire
Kevin Eli Jul 2017
As I stumble down a paved road
I fumble with my cell phone
Trying to read the screen info and
the daily paper's digital memos...

I wonder which superhero will save the box office this year
or if we'll hear the guns of home, the guns that we let go.

I wonder if a fidget spinner tournament will bring home dinner
or if we'll hear the chains of Guantanamo, the chains that we ignore.

I wonder if Mattel's new fat barbie will sell real well
or if we'll hear the guns of Aleppo, of US-made shells

I wonder if Christmas will win the holiday war,
or if we'll hear the chains on your grandchildren, profiting the CEO

Don't care to see if Trump is tweeting
Fight and hope that war stops trending
Gut feelin' goverment has dropped the big one on us
Uncaring, and never-ending.
Feb 2017 · 370
Floods & Suds
Kevin Eli Feb 2017
Rainy days warrant wet poetry
A large pond formed in the parking lot
Flash flood warning on my iPhone went off
...I leave work in fifteen minutes.
**** this traffic, thank god for the liquor store.

While the rain washes away the street,
The wine washes away my mind.
Just get me home.
Feb 2017 · 578
Desperlibation
Kevin Eli Feb 2017
God, this universe larger than I, powers that be, Please hear my cry

I want to grow,
To make more music and write,
Meet people and travel.
If I don't, I'm going to stall,
Tumble into free-fall.
I would be the living dead;
A shadow of what I could've had.

I'm not scared of dying,
I'm scared of never living again.
Feb 2017 · 302
Useful Toy
Kevin Eli Feb 2017
If only an angel or supernatural could pluck up this mortal fate and twist the coil that can spring life forth once again.

Like a jack-in-the-box torn out of his nuzzled crate, I don't know where I am or if I can walk.

My novelty was taken away by some phantom, a stranger which had no care or thought.

I used to have a painted smile on my face.
To surprise and laugh was my only plot.

Now I'm tossed among the piled heap: Forgiven, but also forgotten.
Feb 2017 · 300
The Youth In America
Kevin Eli Feb 2017
No value,
Direction, motivation, trust,
Guidance, inspiration, role models, voice, belonging,
Career, money, health, hope, encouragement,
Patience, acceptance, love, sympathy, safety, or salvation

Driven insane

Lonely mountains of sadness, anger, courage and pain
Kevin Eli Jan 2017
It's been a year since you did that
I've been trying to come back
Ignore it but you spread it and people think I'm a rat?
I asked for a bed, not for some head
Liquor still in me, now I'd rather be dead.

Your friends tell me what you think?
"She liked you, go apologize for making this stink"
But that's the funny thing.
While I'm distracted with death, your attention and ego sinks.
So the months fly past, while you cut me off at the pass,
Spread the rumors with a few drinks,
But with little-to-no class.
Sorry would've worked, but now you look like an ***.

I woke up spinning, retracing the fact
We walk downstairs past your parents,
You were hot but annoying as "**** that"
My silence was a red flag, my poetry the clap back.
You can talk all you want but God knows you ain't that.
You'd been weighed, you'd been measured,
I felt you took advantage, many agree that you have.
And the rest of you are wondering why I'm so ******* mad?

Don't tell me the fault is my own
When the first apology I owned
And the conversation's being held in my home.
When the shoes on the other, and the tables have turned,
You wouldn't be getting off,
You'd be in jail or hell getting burned.

You think you're the pentagon; fly as a **** Drone,
Bad communication, embarrassment, I know
But you plan with Folly to bomb the bridges and roads.
I don't drink in public as much, but that's partly my own.
I'm walking out, not a victim, but the wiser, stronger soul.
Unlike you, I don't have to live with that conscience or hole.
God save you and your spineless followers full of bull.

****, I hope you hear this. Round and round you'd go.
There you'd fall spiraling as I stare far down below.
Goodbye, good riddance, may God have no mercy on your soul.
If it's a girl it's called ****, but if it's a boy it gets old.
Dec 2016 · 320
The Guns of Aleppo
Kevin Eli Dec 2016
Put an imperfect impression on me
Kept on giving me a false reality
It was such a lonely feeling
The end of a world, came crashing down
Down, down, down, down,

Giving scars to the earth without a sound
Shaking and trembling, now I am loud
Sending prayers to the hurt
Taking shots for the crowd
The guns of Aleppo, can't be heard in U.S. towns

Copped, coined, catch-phrased and cowed.
Convinced the mass the religion is proud
It no longer safe to put your head in the sand
IED's soon to be buried, made by rebel hands,
Funded, armed and let loose by Uncle Sam.

A dollar fills a Saudi Prince pocket,
A contract to **** a million strangers
Fathers, mothers, sons and daughters
The gun barrel, the oil barrel, all for profit.
Ask yourself what can you do to stop it?
Aug 2016 · 420
Stabbing The Swine
Kevin Eli Aug 2016
Under construction
In the process
Soon to be coming
In forms of citizen justice
Jul 2016 · 287
Dreams & Rage
Kevin Eli Jul 2016
Lets change this world
Let's make it better than we were left it
Let's make sure we have clean oceans and healthy land
Water in our lakes and rivers
Food in people's mouths
Olive branches in our hands.

No more wars
No more corporate overreach
No more fears of what we cannot see
No more sitting in our houses
Take back our democracy
Take to the streets
Jun 2016 · 267
American Sickness
Kevin Eli Jun 2016
We can't think straight
Our stomach is in knots
We can barely eat anymore
And our love is dead

Ruthless world it is
Struggle is never ending
The rich proceed to get richer
While the poor feed on each other

I see my neighbors stop trusting
While friends and townsfolk cower
The market claims it's our own fault
When the chips were never in our favor

I want to fight a thousand people
Yet I'd only get my *** beaten
But I'm so angry at the treatment
This can't be the human condition
Jun 2016 · 364
Lace
Kevin Eli Jun 2016
More than this world could hold
She was rough sketched perfection
A temporary rose
Jun 2016 · 638
In Her Cloud Above
Kevin Eli Jun 2016
I think I figured out how to make her happy
Even though she is up there
And I am down here
Jun 2016 · 371
Staples
Kevin Eli Jun 2016
Clippings in my life
Staying up at night
Are memories of afar
As echoes of the past
Flow through the portal door

In visions ballroom dancers
Masquerade and banter
I see through their eyes
A shade under the sky
Where kings of kingdoms
Repaired their stables
Repenting with each staple
Wondering if they destroyed the world
Kevin Eli Jun 2016
Living and dying, breaking down crying
Making and chasing dreams we keep trying
Thinking...

Promises we make, the ones we break
It's all just a materialistic haze
Because life is just a phase.
Jun 2016 · 169
Footnote
Kevin Eli Jun 2016
All this we feel
Everything we know
All that glitters isn't always made of gold.

But if you want to know
And you do share a care
The secret is in your childhood teddy bear.
May 2016 · 4.7k
Witness For The Flowers
Kevin Eli May 2016
Warm summer blooms from the cold spring
When rain falls and snow melts
Flower petals show off their life and vibrance
Roses don't care for November
While the orchids dream of summer nights
Few violets will have memory of winter
Yet I will remember them all of my life
May 2016 · 365
Testament
Kevin Eli May 2016
I write you my love, with words like a lonely angel
For eternity you have my dark adoration
Being with you was one in a million
Nothing compares to all the situations

From the domestic violence
To the endless interventions
To the drugs we did together
To the constant confrontations
To the cops we avoided
And the hit-and-miss rehabilitation

I'm so sorry you fell...

A whisper to our past
Haunting my future
Hinting at the emotions
Hearing your aberration
Beyond the earth and years
Wondering if this was all a dream, or just tragic fiction

When I look up at the stars, they give your description

In every city that we traveled
I wrote a diary at every station
I recorded every tear, every scream
Every laugh, every sensation.
The times you walked out of my car
The times I locked you out of the condominium
After we would both forgive so easily
We kept a strong and struggling relation

Though you are no longer by my side,
I walk the earth waiting,
For the day the end comes
And the goodbye becomes a reunion
Without fear, without hesitation
Apr 2016 · 393
Generation Gap
Kevin Eli Apr 2016
We don't want the wars of our fathers
We want to heal,
We want to learn,
We want to see what comes after.
Apr 2016 · 579
Her Favorite Things
Kevin Eli Apr 2016
She loved animals.
Her favorite ice cream was mint chip.
She loved Lord of The Rings and fantasy.
Her favorite shows were Trailer Park Boys and Rick & Morty.

Her favorite city was San Francisco.
Her favorite beach was El Matador.
Driving through the canyons of Malibu at sunset,
Bottles of wine and sushi was her favorite date night for two.

She loved music and concerts:
Sublime, Tool, The **, Reel Big Fish, 311 and all of the 90's alternative.
She could play the piano and the bass,
But was a pro when a pen and sketchbook were in her face.

She never fired a gun, but loved archery and fishing;
Unless we ate, it was only for fun.
She was the best at make up and constantly changed her hair.
She was always worried what others would think,
Although I never cared.
She was wild and beautiful, that's why they stared.

She valued freedom over everything.
She never got a tattoo, although she wanted one.
She loved motorcycles, but never owned one.
She loved taking risks, jumping or falling.
It was why she stumbled while she was here with the living.

She loved me, but we never married.
She didn't want kids, but loved them truly.
She didn't want to be held down, she wanted to be carried...
Her dream was to grow wings... To drift like a fairy.

I rather see her fly free than be locked in this worldly cage with me.
I just wish our fates weren't separated now by me having to age... I  wouldn't be stuck here on Earth with such a long wait to see her face.

Best friends, lovers. I was your boy, you were my girl.
On the beach, or under the covers.
The memories are priceless, forever shared with one another.
I wish we made more before it was over, but it was enough.
I won't cry over this, but it will be tough.

I'm coming soon my love... Not today nor my intention, but I promise to live with meaning and more careless abandon; to let go of what doesn't matter, and remember your favorite things, whether I am down here, or beside you in heaven watching the angels' wings' flutter.
Love you Lace. Rest in Peace.
Jan 2016 · 400
99 Nights of Nightmares
Kevin Eli Jan 2016
Stripped naked, burned alive and thrown in snow
Sitting silently as job after job lets you go
Showering under a faucet in a metro
Savagely being beaten by someone you love and know

Exiled by your teacher
Kidnapped by a dealer
***** by an actor
Drowned in a theater

Locked in a crematorium
Lost in an aquarium
Arrested in a museum
Killed in a stadium

Shot in a field by my favorite person
Stabbed in the chest with a needle that's bent.
Stumbling blindly, helping her up, feeling it pierce again.

Every night, for ninety-nine straight
I have been losing my heart, losing my love, losing my mind over a woman that fell from above and plummeted far below.

These nightmares started when I stopped holding on and I let her go ninety-nine nights and days ago.
Kevin Eli Jan 2016
One early morning along the quiet forest floor, a little mushroom popped it's head out of the ground. Looking in wonder, he pushed passed the dead leaves and dirt to reach for sunlight below the canopy.

"STOP!" said the forest. "You have been unruly. We have seen you try to grow with discord and disregard, denying the order. And what are you, alien? Identify as plant or animal!"

The little mushroom responded, "But I only did as you did; made a home. Like the rooted trees pillar in our leafy halls, as the moss nestles among the rocks, or how the birds nest in their hollows, why am I so different? I am both you and me."

The forest inhabitants pondered. In this time the mushroom grew and died. It took too long for the trees and the birds and the moss to agree by the time their fellow forest friend had passed.

The trees, too slow to interrupt, cried out to all, "What have we done?!  we may not have thought him as beautiful as the rest of us, but the mushroom was a part of this forest!"

As a parting token, the little fungi grew a network of strands below the trees roots to support them all, feeding and protecting them even in death.

With it's dying breath, it dropped it's spores, to which would grow bountiful among the forest floor, among the trees and the rocks and moss. They had not known it, but the little mushroom was a part of a greater fungi, miles across. It had been there as long as the forest, keeping the trees company since time began, before humans, before us.

Only the trees had the knowledge to understand the little mushroom, but their voices were too quiet, too slow. So the trees let the mushrooms grow in their branches and on their logs to give them a home.
Jan 2016 · 290
My Apologies For Bleeding
Kevin Eli Jan 2016
Three daggers in my back and a sword through the heart...
I apologize if I don't get up as quick as others, or run as fast.
I'm trying to figure out where the hilts are.
Kevin Eli Jan 2016
Brandon,

To see you grow up and turn into the man you are is a gift... A young man, smart, kind, thoughtful to others. I have no criticisms to offer you in regards to the path and choices you have taken and made. I feel swelling pride for you as I write this and cannot wait to see and hear the adventures you will embark on in your life.

Having you as my cousin touches me and reminds me that I have an impact on the world, and for as long as you have looked up to me as your older cousin, I will always feel a sense of responsibility and caring for you, invigorating in purpose, which helps craft the home in my heart. Seeing time pass as sand in an hour glass, I can only glance in retrospect and see the years and times as a family you have shared with us; if it were a scoreboard, a test, the sum of all of your actions: a resounding win or success story on all counts. You are a gift to those around you and your happiness and caring will change this world for the better as it already has changed mine. Thank you for being my cousin, but more so for being the person you always are. You are a blessing and a light. Don't ever let anybody tell you otherwise or believe differently...

To end my letter to you, I will leave you with this: I can't wait to grow old and share more time with you; to go fishing, to go camping, to carry on our family's traditions and dinners which are so special among families, to share this chance to be alive and breathing, and to share our hearts with others. Go forth Brandon. Go forth and share your love with the world. Light your torch and burn it. I love you Brandon.

Your Cousin,
-Kevin
(For His 18th Birthday)
Jan 2016 · 445
Wishing For My Fears To Die
Kevin Eli Jan 2016
If it were a wish or a dream, I wouldn't feel the way I do inside.
Existence and living have me terrified.
I just want to run, I just want to hide
While I chase courage around my heart which flies.

I wish I could write a poem or letter that would inspire,
But all I have are words and begging phrases.
I'm sure at this point you're tired.

Dropping words my actions no longer defend,
I guess I will remain.

Locked in a cage of my own desire.
Jan 2016 · 311
She Stabs Me In My Sleep
Kevin Eli Jan 2016
I can't go a night without dreaming of her.
Night terrors in which I see her stumble down dark paths.
She doesn't care about the gift of living, only dying and death.
She was my best love and the hardest to hold beside me.
I'm out of breath, I can't keep crying.

Every night in my dreams she stabs me in my sleep.
Not with a knife, but a needle that drives deep.
I beg her to let go, but she pierces me in the chest.
I don't feel the pain. Just a swelling in my breast.

My heart, my lungs, when I wake up every morning are frozen.
I wake up and feel my scar, comforted only by a cat she left at my feet.
A living reminder of who we are, and who we have chosen to be.

I never see her. She's gone now, but every night she still stabs me in my sleep...
Jan 2016 · 312
Descending
Kevin Eli Jan 2016
I kept tumbling, falling...
Trying to walk down a black stone stairwell.
It widened and rippled like water with each sinking step, feet sinking into a dark blue glue.
Each stair I stumbled as the floor was lower than I presumed; giving me a feeling of vertigo and being swallowed down and down deeper into a hole I thought was only so deep, yet ended up being deeper than I ever imagined.

The lip of the top surface seemed hundreds of yards above offering little light to me, like a mouth engulfing less than what it wanted, tasting only my fear.
My dream last night 01/08/16
Kevin Eli Jan 2016
Delayed response to ground control, oh how I was crying.
In retrospect, I was just shallow; like an astronaut only watching
himself as the rest of the world kept steadily spinning.
Impersonal up here, never caring about winning or losing.

The star charts that mentors showed lost to what my mind followed,
A winding path through this sacred space which I unhallowed.
I didn't flinch at blastoff; it wasn't bravery, it was me being a coward.

Sweating in a far away bed, steel round walls with no decoration,
Straining my mind fighting the moments of suffocation.
Spots in my vision, distortion and discoloration.
Seeing stars I glimpsed my comet on exhibition.
I would have to come back around. It was just a matter of my rotation.

Retrospect from ages back and to beyond where we will have gone.
Black holes made that can never be filled, endless they came, endless they will come. To touch down in glory, or stay on the run. Life is just a rocket that departs from the sun. The rest isn't lost, it just hasn't been done.

So as we eventually drift into deep space and age becomes our dawn, remember to look out the window and wave to the passerby's.
They will cheer you on.
Jan 2016 · 654
During The Holidays
Kevin Eli Jan 2016
I saw a homeless man give a mother money,
A businessman brag in an emergency room,
A teenager who cut his wrists tried dying,
And an old man pray for his wife to live.
Sep 2015 · 351
Corporatocracy
Kevin Eli Sep 2015
It's black and white for the blue and red.
They're all bad.
Bipartisan politics is a show and we all know it's sad.

Follow the fistfuls of cash stuffed in big sacks by the people ordering black bags and drone strikes making Middle East corporate land grabs.

But don't forget to tip the driver of your cab.
Aug 2015 · 373
Disgust
Kevin Eli Aug 2015
For every one good individual I find, there are ten ****** people.

Weak, scared, selfish, self-indulging, complacent pieces of filth that don't care. They beat the **** out of that one good person on a daily basis so they can keep the playing field level at six feet under, too selfish, too coddled to take care.

"Just let me ignore the problems."
"Can't I just be the victim?
"Let me be special."
"It's your fault, not mine."
"Always yes for me, always no for you."

If you all don't ******* care, how am I supposed to ******* care?
******* leeches. Where will you feed when the blood runs out?
Kevin Eli Jul 2015
Dough, a food, unleavened bread
Ray, a frequency of light
Me, the self, the id or ego
Far, a distance long in length
Sew, a thread joined by a needle
La, a french word that's feminine
Tea, a leaf steeped in hot water
And it brings us back to dough.
Circle song done in the backyard between a bunch of friends. They're ******.
Jul 2015 · 248
ER Waiting Room
Kevin Eli Jul 2015
A cursed quench to a thirst I will never reverse
Game perverse
Coming in last, placing in first
Having nothing gives you something
Starving could be worse
Kevin Eli Jul 2015
Within the last few years since I left recovery, I have let many people and things into my life that have dragged me down over and over again thinking that my sympathy, empathy and support will somehow give these people the hope and help that I, myself was given. Combined with the feeling that many mistakes (that hurt people) I have made remain unfixed, my life choices from past to the present haunt me and cause me to lose sleep on a regular basis. I wake up half of my mornings feeling this isn't the life I want.

I feel used, unappreciated, helpless, unaccomplished, worthless, scared, alone, don't want to talk to anybody because I don't want to burden them... The list goes on.

(This is not every day. My friends, family and loved ones are plentiful and there for me. I am nevertheless thriving.)

This has caused me to be resentful, unable to trust, become guarded and unloving. This isn't me, nor the person I want to be. I have since cut out several people in my life, some suddenly and without explanation. I want to love these people just as much as I want to cuss at them. Steal from me, get loaded and make bad choices, refuse to pay me back, lie to me, cheat me, slander my name. Go ahead. You aren't going to be in my life for very long. Those types are no longer welcome, and I pray they stop one day because those people and those actions destroy this world slowly.

Regarding MY mistakes, there are some people I will never be able to make amends to because I will likely never see them again, while some will simply not accept it. Since I cannot make amends to these people, the only way I know how to feel better is to make a living amends and add good to this world in other places. These people will never know how badly I want redemption; for the last 6 months, I have given up my Saturdays and gone to the local ER and volunteered. My soul feels a bit better because of it and sadly it is the only institution that I feel valued at (irony that I don't get paid). I try and find things in my life that give me meaning, and do them. While some people will always hate me and only remember the messed up, strung out me, I have no choice except to breathe deep, but shaky, and trudge on. If this is the only life I will ever have, I choose to not let these people and my past haunt me. I choose to be here as a positive in the universe and will struggle with this until it kills me or hopefully until I don't have to.

I have tried for three years now my **** hardest to cope with a difficult work environment, deadly addiction and debilitating neurological issues. Few have given me answers or much less understood what the hell is wrong with me, none have provided a solution. Doctors don't know anything beyond their prescription pads it seems. The best help I get is a blank check for medical bills from my parents. They should not be suffering for my problems, I am 27. This only makes me feel more inept and worthless as well that I cannot take care of them. I took so much from them when I was bad, I don't want to take anymore.

I have gone and lost my **** far too many times because of what other people do... If you are finding yourself being self-destructive, you are likely hurting others with your actions. You need to remember that when you bring negativity to the table, you share it with those around you... I fight everyday to keep these negative demons away literally self-checking every hour I am awake and breathing (it is exhausting), but the factors adding to it must be recognized and dealt with. I'm tired of putting bandaids on infected situations, I want the infections out and the scars to form. I'm done with this phase of life's BS.

I made a promise three years ago that I would never give up, nor fall back to where I was. I am not perfect, but I will give myself one hell of an A for effort.

The few times when I see my efforts or apologies were appreciated, it feels like heaven. It is always worth it to help others as long as you don't give yourself and everything away.
Apr 2015 · 670
Moths In A Lampshade
Kevin Eli Apr 2015
We need to find a solution
To the mind pollution we have been producing.
A media illusion giving us delusions
Like ants swarming in fear and confusion.
Moths in a lampshade
With an unknown conclusion.
Mar 2015 · 2.2k
Our Silent Symphony
Kevin Eli Mar 2015
When I walk out my door, I hear the birds sing in silent symphony.
At the bus stop, the sounds of low humming engines and rolling tires.
Outstretched clouds of pure white follow horizons.
The percussion of rain clinks on boulders, drumming quietly.
Bee's wings play muted notes on flowers, sweetly collecting.
There is so much more than radio static and dull ads full of ditties.
Nature's ensemble invented the beat, rhythm, and the harmony.
Kevin Eli Feb 2015
What is the thing that keeps me up at night?

I feel sick, but I don't have pain or nausea.
It's a chronic paranoia, carving me out like a hollow husk.
I can't trust, but I can get close and I ask and beg to do so.
When you oblige, I cast you aside. It makes my efforts useless.
The scariest thing is watching yourself going insane.
It's killing me inside.
It destroys my world and makes me cry.

Where my tongue will fly when I lash out.
Never with intention, but anger and doubt.
It comes from deep, dark fears.
A tortured child on a playground.
Abandoned, betrayed and thrown down.

What are the things I want most?
Love, friends and to always be happy?
These things are the things I am throwing away.
No regard for meaning, just uncontrolled sensitivity.
It fades away in five minutes, but the damage is building.
I can never be anybody else and I do my best to stay in myself.

Mental illness can be suffocating.
Nothing is helping.
The mistake pile is growing.

But if I have to, I will go down trying.
Feb 2015 · 385
Grow With Meaning
Kevin Eli Feb 2015
Expressive and frustrating,
The fire inside enduring.
Time to concentrate on loving.

Time to see the truth in our moment.
Make hope in yourself and show it.

Closing your eyes and escaping,
Imagining and dreaming,
All the feelings tumble away falling.

Singing loud out in the open,
The people begin to join in...

This feels like lifting up to heaven,
To live inside each moment...

This makes me believe that this is real.
To understand the world and still
Throw my doubts all away.

This sensation grows in size,
Inside it breathes a tiny little sigh....

To remind myself of loving,
Creating and believing,
A life always grows in meaning.
Kevin Eli Jan 2015
Surmounting expectations create competition with me and my companions.
People now bumping into each other from exponential expansion.
Existential Conundrum.
It happens.

You have to get a job, be better than everyone else.
You gotta get rich, but donate and be "selfless". Be an entrepreneur with millions that saves dolphins, bungee off the Eiffel Tower with the Prime Minister of Ireland.

Can't help but feel like we were born in a sandbox with too much expected from us, with such little, never promised rewards.
Cardboard presentations with glitter and glue, high scores on the whiteboard.
"Mom, please... I'm bored."

A Mr. or Mrs. Perfect, immune to hangovers and pressure, while keeping a 4.0 who must always be "in the moment", in full control.
Yeah, right. Maybe with a rich football coach who lets you smoke and dope if you run a ball and don't choke... Pray you don't grow old and dash his championship goal.

So when I feel my life is diminutive, worthless with no conviction, I just tell myself that I helped people I never remembered or knew. Nobody really has a clue with all this media, race and religion. Whether you think it's science, fact, or fiction, It's just a temporary illusion of your imagination.
Jan 2015 · 1.5k
Altruistic Asshole
Kevin Eli Jan 2015
I sit here contemplating altruism.
I wonder why I get frustrated when there is no reciprocation.

Teach a man to fish, he will steal all your business.
Give a beggar coins, he can only buy a pint of Guinness.

I'm ******* tired of this ****. Somebody is living their dreams by taking mine away. I'd rather be beaten and hit than give up one more day.

Like trying to play guitar for others, just to be told "You ****".
I try to ignore the deterring phrase, "You'll never make a buck".

Teach a child love and tolerance, he will be abused and stepped on.
Give a loser a second chance, he will steal from you when you're gone.

Altruism doesn't exist. It's in my nature to share this exhibit.
Too bad it hurts me, feels like my belief is somehow complicit.

I hope I can see what I should give, and what I should prohibit.
Judge my charity, my gifts, my intentions, these words from my lips.

You call me an altruistic *******... But you're just a selfish *******.
Jan 2015 · 884
Sleep Driving
Kevin Eli Jan 2015
When I was 16, I slept-drove in my car.

Walking outside half-naked, I pulled my keys from my underwear like it was a jean pocket.

Entering my 2001 white Pontiac, I put the keys in the ignition and drove two miles before I merged onto the 101 S FWY.

I woke up terrified and behind the wheel, not knowing where I was until I was in the next city over. I drove back immediately.

Needless to say, I would have had no explanation if my parents or the authorities had found me...
Jan 2015 · 351
Crashing In Dreams
Kevin Eli Jan 2015
I cannot control these dreams any more than I can control reality.

Sometimes I dream I am behind the wheel of an out of control car, windshields are covered in rain, the brakes won't work.

Every time I am in that car, I either careen off the road, over a cliff edge,  into a crowd, or into a wall.

No matter how hard I pull that E-brake, It's always too late. I am going too fast to stop the events in motion and the inevitable end of the line.
Any dream interpreters wanna take guesses?
Kevin Eli Jan 2015
I'm having a dozen dreams a night; fluid and lucid.
I prefer this imagination and fantasy in my bed.
It's a lot of fun, also terrifying,
All in black and red...

Deep diving indoor pools with oil rigs and sea monsters.
I butterfly and sidestroke across the unfathomable chlorine waters.

Gliding downstream through swampy, vine-roped forests.
I end up in mangrove lakes, a canopy of bright glowing mushrooms.

Zombie hordes making me hide in closets at my parent's house.
They never break down the door, I don't understand why they carouse.

Being in a place without time, space, colors, physics or floors,
Talking to people I barely know, with no names or faces. Am I bored?

Sitting in my underwear on a dock, waiting for the bus
The others don't even seen me, but the cute girl next to me does.

I learn to fly, jump off a roof, start falling, then forget.
I twitch in my covers from a concrete slab, comical to wake up dead.

Sometimes I just sit in a cave with a reflection of myself
Talking to my ego; arguing and reasoning with nobody else.

Every time I close my eyes and lay my head,
I feel like a mad-hatter, locked in wonderland.
Jan 2015 · 318
No Returns
Kevin Eli Jan 2015
The return policy for my heart has expired.
Sold at a cheap price, a sale bin bargain.
I got tricked at my own back door.
Pushed off a truck again.

Bartered over the table, no receipt.
Complacent defeat, or constant torture
It's not even my choice if I function anymore.

Yes, Ma'am. you can do whatever you wan't.
You own me, your toy, you own all of this.
You bought me with a mere kiss.

Slump down motionless.
You can do whatever you want with me.
But you don't want anything.

I have no real meaning.
Like an unwanted doll,
opened Christmas morning.
You cut me open and ripped out my stuffing.
Jan 2015 · 941
Guinevere
Kevin Eli Jan 2015
She tests her own being.
A legend loved by all.
With her and Lancelot betraying
Destiny, the kingdom would fall.

Can we rewrite love?
Can we rewrite scripture?
Can we rise above?
Can we find our picture?

My dear Guinevere,
No more nights of tears,
Make the right decision,
Please, my lady, my dear?

We had a perfect plan.
We should have rode,
We should have ran,
We should have never spoken again.

Tearing down her future
They would burn her at the stake
As love and loyalty shared no shelter
Their dreams together, they couldn't make

It's now too late
It's now time to cry
It's now the last goodbye
It's not like you didn't try

But lest we die...

My dear Guinevere,
You have nothing to fear,
Your Lancelot is here.
This love story will withstand the years.
Jan 2015 · 673
Situational Awareness
Kevin Eli Jan 2015
Oh, the vivid tremors
Jump feet first into his voice
Even though he burns, he feels cold
He's been here by choice, this place is old

He knows full well where it will go...

Oh, the conundrums
Dive head first into them by choice
Everyone watches as he bathes in a volcano
Nobody is expected to go and save him

He knows full well what is down there...

Oh, the truth
He's full aware
He does hear it
He does see it

He just doesn't want to believe it, he doesn't want to care.
Jan 2015 · 954
The Blink Of An Eye
Kevin Eli Jan 2015
I want to bathe in the instant
Be inspired to be alive
Inside a second
Feel around in it
See the frames
My film roll is developed
But I only see blurred lines
Kevin Eli Jan 2015
Lifting my chest, I float from safety
An anxious excitement at the proposition of infinity
It's not a drug, it's formless, ironically.
Cheating won't let me.

I just want to let my lids relax
Let my hands fall free
Lean back into vertigo
And let the glow consume me.

Holy Grails and books of ancients
Cannot deny me because of sins
Nobody suffers except for the angels
Who will have one less friend

Of warm, still winds,
Which willows bow and bend,
The place where we go, we assume never ends.
Elysium, Nirvana, Valhalla or Heaven

To disappear isn't my wish
I want to be lifted away from mortal fear.
I just desire to feel more than this
With these few precious moments I have here
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