watch each thread of my life, work, reputation, identity
being severed  by hate and power
...some snapping back to strike my face and lash at my ribs
gashes across my heart and side
...others withering, fraying, disintegrating as if they never were

destroying meaning
destroying me
untethered ..unhinged...flung..hurtling...crashing into despair

into humiliation

#thisjourneyofdays

this is what peace feels like
God I missed it

@journeyofdays

entering sad pilgrimage to say good bye
impressions left on our hearts
guiding our steps
never left behind
but you are missed

@journeyofdays

if I left
went missing
positive
only I would notice

@journeyofdays

listening to you
make meaning
but
too many parts
missing

@journeyofdays

this story
logic
not hanging together well
pieces are missing

@journeyofdays

you leave tracks
schlep through dust
are you still missing


@journeyofdays

unseen
there is distance now
new paths
but not missing

@journeyofdays

sense
not seen
shadow waves
breaking across me
                   still missing

@journeyofdays

I could get lost in this
missing  
nobody would know

@journeyofdays

pushed into contested spaces
thoughts voided
made voiceless
become missing

@journeyofdays

there is only one truth
not the multiplicity of alternatives you managed to conjure
nor the distortions of fact and self-prostitution you fostered

there is no truth
in hiding behind the facades you have crafted so expertly
a face for every situation and a situation for every face

tell me what did you think you would achieve
was there some master plan in your minds
when you orchestrated this elaborate manipulation

did you ever expect that these worlds you created would collide
drawn together the seemingly unrelated
pulled along paths
by the magnets sewn in their lining

there is truth in the divine order of stuff
that right there, that running thing
pathetic
there is only one truth
and it has just picked up your scent

@journeyofdays

and so we get to start again
get it right this time?
ignore the past
but learn from it too?
no wonder I am so confused.

#thisjourneyofdays

when I was young there were monsters
under the bed
under the stairs
certainly in the cupboard
only at night
never during the day
I never saw them
fanciful creatures
of fur and gnashing teeth
they disappeared with sleep


where I am now there are demons
at work
at my table
strolling around
during the day
I see them everywhere
they pass for beautiful
perfectly coiffured razor wire
smiles and poisoned kisses
hell has opened its gates
and I am wide awake

@journeyofdays

moonlight  through gum leaves
balm for my soul
moonlight in  gum leaves
healing my heart

@journeyofdays

are we just a sum of moving parts
held together with an energy
of will

                                 ….tell me there is more to it than this


@journeyofdays

frantic clicking and running down stairs
flinging books and coffee mugs
hissing steam from ironing shirts
scrubbing boots and packing bags
wrapping lunch and writing notes
doors creak and then slam goodbye
and so part two
of my day
begins with
quiet

@journeyofdays

grasping at these emotions
emotions only partially formed
formed in clouds
clouds of smoke left behind
behind my eyes
eyes that now
now see more
more than the clouds thought
thought the outcome would be different
different from this
this moving through clouds

@journeyofdays

it is the natural order, the pattern of life
who goes first and who stays longer
it is not right that you have gone before me
and I stay to mourn and wonder why
nature has been so turned

@journeyofdays

facing the day
with joy in my heart
knowing I can
not falling apart

walking in strength
feeling alive
living the truth
fearless...not quite


@journeyofdays

self dug potholes
tiptoeing around myself
personal ambush

#thisjourneyofdays

they are nice people ...really
spend what they do not have
ruin other people’s reputations
with idle gossip and untruth
they are nice people ...really
attend church with pious pretending
say the right things to the right people
they are nice people ...really

@journeyofdays

it is better now
we both understand
the concept
no
boundaries are set
undrawn lines recognised
what do I carry forward
there is no responsibility for
your past misunderstandings
but manipulation is laid bare
no
fountain of torment
ceases to flow
and the sink drains away
no
not a terminator
it is a beginning
without you
I can finally breathe


@journeyofdays

you never had permission
a false authority
fidelity? are you serious?
I owe you nothing
not the spit from my rage nor the dust from my shoes
you have overreached

#thisjourneyofdays

possibly
maybe
will think about it
we’ll see
i’ll see
hmmm
for God’s sake - just say NO

#thisjourneyofdays

don’t expect you to understand
why I try to forget
just help me remember us...now

@journeyofdays

it's late
we're tired
no words
just touch
you hold
me close
I rest
my head
you cradle
my shoulder
and our hearts go
boom

you're tough
I'm not
your touch
is calm
your heart
so soft
you trace
wee circles
along
my arm
my mind says
more


it's cool
tonight
here
we're warm
we drift into
another realm
where we
are one
and in silent
love
arrive
home

@journeyofdays

let me lie beside you
rest my mind against your back
I won't speak
only breathe in your peace

@journeyofdays

no words
just feel
no confusion there
touch is real
through fingertips
I hear your heart
and know
you understand


@journeyofdays

to suffer like this is hardship enough
feel yourself drift away
torn from, the present
hurtling back into a memory
or the horrendous new construction of something dark that preys upon my mind
please don't leave me here
keep me close
tell me stories
keep me close
honour this bond
keep me close
I haven't lost my mind it just goes offline sometimes

@journeyofdays

listened for long enough
the story
you tell
is old

@journeyofdays

spinning wheels and pointless conversations
resorting priorities with coloured tags
“to do" list that got trashed before coffee
and the general feeling of frazzled cat

@journeyofdays

beautiful
this mighty armada breaching the horizon
sailing purposefully across my day
on an unknown course
complex art in ice and power
perfectly formed for holding stories of earth and seas
locking up memories and soaking up thoughts
as their shadow passes over
formulating conversations and news in droplets of rain
to be dispersed at the precise time
known only to the lead ship’s pilot
majestic formation bridging heaven and earth
trading secrets with the sun
how are they formed
who cares
they are simply breathtaking
pulling up my thoughts
escaping into the blue


@journeyofdays

to be the other side of trauma is  unusual
loneliness is extreme
forever friends have gone
there are empty seats at the table
telephone numbers have changed
even family has moved on

time has evaporated
my clock and calendar are set at six years ago
time  stolen from me and my life
recreating a history from social media posts
the time lived by those who were close once
they look so happy and have lived

can I make up for time lost
do the living not done
reverse the injury cover over the scars
circle back at points and take that time back
put in a claim for what life owes me
does insurance cover that sort of loss  

finding a way back
is putting together a puzzle where the pieces don’t fit
by using a knife and mallet
more often now in a rush
to make sense of the past and put the missing history
back together, I have wasted too much time lost out here



@journeyofdays

hate you
no
concern yourself with other things
not me

@journeyofdays

you need to let me go
there is no redemption now
too many strings to play
notes are all tangled
and the tune does not suit my ear
queue crashing cymbals
I’m out

@journeyofdays

overanalyse  the
scene
words
body language

inferring meaning from a
look
sigh
expression

seeing something that isn’t there
never was
fabricated from a shadow
... you think you saw.

sitting where you can see the
whole room
exits
main door


It is just a ****** work meeting
in an office
get a grip girl.

Can you think too much?

#thisjourneyofdays

stress injury is concussive
compresses and pummels
rewires and reroutes
rumination rules
tossing and turning in it’s bed
rumpled and flung pillows
a mountain of mismatched linen
pushing the brain to limits
pulsing then seeping
beyond skull
I have had enough
craving colour co-ordination
with simple, single-strand thoughts


@journeyofdays

...and the party continues
a conga line of ants
balance crumbs at jaunty angles
drunken cocktail waitresses
taking the scenic route across the kitchen bench
around the cooktop
skirting the kitchen sink where the spider and fly detente appears to continue
over the countertop
carefully avoiding the cockroaches playing five card draw
…. to the crack next to the door

@journeyofdays

it will pass
it always does
breathe
slowly
deeply
release



@journeyofdays

all at once
the path is revealed
you see home

@journeyofdays

when you know that
everything has led to this moment

@journeyofdays

guileless
now you can accept
the pain that you bore

@journeyofdays

perhaps
when we stop chasing our tails
we can sit

sit*
be present with each other
again
find the beginning

beginning
yet another age of being
a gift of time

@journeyofdays

looking at this
such
a
mess
a life in pieces

@journeyofdays

pittosporum undulatum
such a beautiful name
it speaks summer and warmer winds
that drift in from my garden

@journeyofdays

Tena koutou i o koutou tini mate
Hoki atu ki te Kaihanga
Ki te karanga o Hinenuiitepo
Ki te po nui
Ki te po roa
Ki te po kahore he otinga
Ko te tatau o te po i mua i a koe
Hoki atu ki te kaitiaki o te po
No reira, haere, haere, haere


Greetings to your many dead
Return to the Creator
To the call of Hinenuiitepo
To the large night
To the long night
To the night without end
The doorway of the night is before you
Return to the guardian of the night
Therefore, farewell, farewell, farewell

Māori farewell
--------------------------------------------------------­-------

Rest well my friend. *Koutou kua wheturangitia

@journeyofdays

peeling potatoes is a therapy
well it is with Nan
chatting about nothings
little weapon in your hand

peel them thick when you are angry
thin when taking care
rough when you don't give a ****
Nan: "I think we'll leave it there"

@journeyofdays

it presses
hard against
chest
squeezing
heart
and
the breath
from lungs
sending
brain spinning
clawing
at the ropes
on the suspension bridge
walked everyday
swaying above
fall

@journeyofdays

it has started
the slow drift
moving across land
******* at the seas
whispering across the earth
charming music from the stones
drawing power from the stars
moving minds
directing hearts
air hums
light crackles
building intensity
the gathered energy
pennants flutter the quiet call to arms
forming
procession

@journeyofdays