When we think of grandparents,
We think of smiling faces
Warm hugs
Sometimes slow or in a wheelchair
But they are always there to listen

But one day they won’t listen
They want to but
they can’t
Their ears aren’t working as well anymore
You have to shout when you’re five feet away

They won’t hear your words
But they’ll see your face, the sadness
The frustration
They’ll know that they are getting old
And when they know it, you know it and it hurts

I don’t want a relationship right now
Right?
I keep telling myself that
Because I’m tired
I have no energy to keep up with anyone other than myself
And even then it’s hard
I tell myself that i should wait
Because im moving away in two years,
And what’s the point in loving someone when you know you’re going to leave?
I tell myself
That I don’t even know what love is
And that much is true.

But I just wish I had someone
Pull me close when im sad
Hold my hand when im scared
and give me someone to love

I just want someone to share the simple joys of life with
To drive around town at midnight with
To sing off key without a care with
To snuggle up next to and look at the stars with

I tell myself I don’t want a relationship
Then I meet people
And make up our love story
And allow myself to live through it, if only in my head
I let myself love them
But it’s one sided, they never know
Then sadness overtakes me
Because I think I love them (but who am I to know what love is?)
I know a few people
Who might like me
But like isn’t love
And I dont know how to tell the difference

I just wish I knew
How to know a boy without inevitably obsessing over him
How to tell when a smile is special or not
How to tell if he likes me

I don’t want a relationship right now…
Right?

When love is all you need,
why not love me?
I am not your lover
Though I may be your only true friend
I am not your kinsman
Yet our flesh and blood mingle
I am not your hero
But I can be your worst of enemies
I am not your teacher
Though I can be worth listening to
I am not your God
Though I can be your idol

Who am I?

If love is all you need,
Why not love me?

I am you

i wonder what a noose around my throat would feel like

i wonder what the pills in my mouth would taste like

i wonder what the razor against my skin would feel like

which one would hurt the least?
which one would be quickest?
which one would make it easier for those i’ll leave behind?

i wonder how long it would take for them to go through my things

i wonder how long they would cry for me

i wonder how long it would take for them to forget me

when will be long enough?
will it be years? weeks? days?
what amount of time will make it easier for those i’ll leave behind?

i wonder if my life will amount to something

i wonder if anyone will remember me as a stranger

i wonder if i have the courage to end myself

i guess we’ll find out

Be a happy being
Do not be sad or lonely
Think I have a choice?

Because I do not
I wish I did because then
I wouldn’t be hurt

You wave and smile
So excited for summer with all your friends

I will wave back
Unready for a summer filled with memories

You walk away
Excited for the new school next year and the people you will meet

I stand, watching
Unready for the new school year of learning alone

You're going to a big school where you will be a nobody
And you are ready

I'm going home to be a nobody in a big world
I'm not ready

The irony:
The speaking deaf
Are not heard

It's finally hitting me.
I told myself it was all lies
But now I know
I might never see you again
My heart is
S.  H.   A.  T.   T.  E.   R.  E.  D
Into a million pieces
Almost as many as
the memories we shared
I don't want it to end.

It’s okay to love someone

And tell them no

It’s okay to love someone

And tell them they’re wrong

It’s okay to love someone

And disagree

Injustice
Prejudice
F---
I hate this

Annoyance
Arrogance
F---
I hate this

Royalty
Poverty
F---
I hate this

Celebrity
Nobody
F---
I hate this

Crying
Hurting
F---
I want it to end

I would be               |\/\/|
                                 a Queen
For you

Regal and
                beautiful

Kind and
              G
                 E
                    N
                       T
                          L
                             E

Generous,
               but craving of you

I would be
a                    | recluse |
for you

I would live
               behind closed doors with you
                          /   \
                        /       \
we could      /           \
                  [Hide away]

Be ourselves
              with nobody
                          to judge us

I would be
             ~myself~
for you

Show you a me
                 that no one has seen before
because no one was looking

Loyal and
           hardworking

But you would have
                      to take the bad
                                  with the good

Selfish and proud

Quiet and LOUD

Immature
           and so much more

But believe me
When I say
I would try my BEST
to be what you want me to be
'Cause I would be
                                            Anything For You

i made a friend
in an online chat room
too bad i'll never talk to him again

he said he liked the way
i worded things
he said the way i said 'EPIC'
was adorable... it made me blush...
i don't know why

i laughed at his jokes
as we spoke about ghosts
and the rolling hills of england

Can I just leave?
Can I? Please?
I   Just Want   to GO ---->
I don’t know where,
I guess Anywhere, except here
I Just         Want to GO ---->
I could be a celebrity,
I could be a nobody, and not be me
Just    Let Me   be   FREE
Out of this broken family
I love being four of three, but I need to leave
Let   Me   Go And      Be ME

a             b             c             d             e             f             g             h
happy|sad|      happy |sad    | happy | happy |sad |happy
i             j             k             l             m             n             o             p
happy|sad|    sad|    happy|  sad|    happy|      sad|     sad
q             r             s             t             u             v             w             x
sad|   sad|       sad|        sad| happy|    sad|        happy|    sad
y             z  
sad| happy


acefhilnuwz
bdgjkmopqrstvxy

i posted a comment on a youtube video
it was a poem I thought that maybe 5 people would read

it got 3.5k likes...
i doubt it if i know 3,500 people by name in real life

3,500 people is a lot and it makes me happy to know
that they liked my thoughts and even commented!

i felt that they got to see a glimpse of the true me, and thats terrifying
if i only truly feel seen by people liking my poem online

Loneliness is a
Yoke we carry even when
We are surrounded

Loneliness when you’re surrounded by people
But nobody understands you would be worse
Then if you were the only person left on earth

i thought i knew what loneliness was
but i was so, so wrong

loneliness is when you are surrounded by people
but nobody knows that there is something going on

and nobody seems to care
because you are getting better at hiding whats happening

I am lost
swallowed by sorrow
in an ocean of people
I can't see my 'tomorrow'
the crowd engulfs me
yet I am alone
I search the streets
but I can't find home
there are no familiar faces
no feelings, just thoughts, all around me
no friends
no family
I travelled on the train called life away from home
a big mistake
mistakes are made
little did I know that the world is full of hate
because I am alone
No one will help me
I am alone
I am lost

loneliness isnt necessarily
when youre alone.
loneliness is the feeling
that you shouldn't be
even if you are surrounded by people

people are happy alone
until they come to learn
that they are, to society,
lonely

the first loneliness is when
you have never not been alone
when you want to be with someone
but you don't know how to get to that point

the loneliness after
is when you have been with someone,
but they left, you left,
or it just didn't work out

people talk about finding love at first sight
but how would you know unless you were looking?

i am finding love at first loneliness.

i look at a stranger
and i envision our lives together
our children
our pets
our house
our LIVES
but then they walk away (literally)

and i am left
with half a dream
that they never knew about

Room, you’ve been good to me
You’ve sequestered me
You’ve kept me safe
You’ve given me a refuge
You’ve given me a space

Bed, you’ve been good to me
I’ve dreamt many dreams with you
I’ve spent restless nights here
I’ve drenched your sheets with tears
I’ve scrolled endlessly on instagram with you

Desk, you’ve been good to me
We’ve spent many an hour together
We’ve trudged through homework
We’ve enjoyed many movies
We’ve eaten many meals

Shelves, you’ve been good to me
You contain my many books
You hold stories that have shaped me
You carry the burden of all my trinkets
You stand, sturdy and useful

Room, again you’ve been good to me
Way too good to me
You’ve given me privacy, but
I’ve enjoyed your company
We’ve spent so much time together, I don’t know      
    how I’ll do without
You

The man from the sea
Salty, wind-blown hair
Wood-worn hands from the ships
Eyes to see land along the horizon
Mouth to sing with the voices of the waves
Rocking, iron legs, made for the sea

The man from the trees
Tangled, leaf-filled hair
Calloused hands from climbing
Eyes to see disguises in the branches
Mouth to sing with the melody of the birds
Jumping, strong legs, made for the trees

The man from the sands
Sandy, sun-scorched hair
Nimble hands from the ropes and silky sand
Eyes to see amidst the light from the sun
Mouth to sing with the cat-calls of the burning winds
Moving, steady legs, made for the sands

The man from the grasses
Sweaty, sun-bleached hair
Paper-cut hands from weaving through the blades
Eyes to see danger amidst the weeds
Mouth to sing with the whispers of the rustling stalks
Skipping, quick legs, made for the grasses

The man from the river
Dripping, slicked-back hair
Smooth hands from the flowing water
Eyes to see fish amongst the rocks
Mouth to sing with the sound of flowing river
Slow-moving, quiet legs, made for the river

The man from the mountain
Thick, shadow-covered hair
Hard hands from the heavy stones
Eyes to see distantly from the mountaintop
Mouth to sing with the tumbling rocks
Trodding, stout legs, made for the mountain

The man from the ice
Frozen, ice-cold hair
Blue hands from the frostbite
Eyes to see places where the surface is thin
Mouth to sing with the crackling of the frozen ground
Tip-toeing, careful legs, made for the ice

-I-

I’ve always wanted to feel safe
I’ve always wanted a knight in shining armor
You have no armor, but you shine to me
You haven’t been knighted, but that’s okay
You’re everything a knight is without the title
You’re generous, chivalrous, humble, honorable, faithful, courageous, and strong
And even then you’re more,
You’re mine

———————

-II-

You need no earthly armor
You don’t need a title
You don’t have to go slay dragons
Or leave for epic adventures
You do something even better
You stay
You’re here for me
You listen to me talk about my day
Or when I go on a random 11 o’clock ramble

I want to be the maiden you rescue
Every day for as long as you’ll rescue me
Rescue me from my troubles
Sweep me off my feet and take me away
To faraway places
where there is abundant peace, love, and joy
Take me to where you are
I ask for nothing more
I only ask for you

Underneath
The tall thin blades
Lived a man
He rejoiced
When spring was
And all the children came out to play
He weeped
When the grass died
And all life withered away

White
Black
Light
Dark
Soft
Loud
Calm
Chaotic
Boring
Fun
Which do you hear?
I hear none

One day I’m gonna live by myself
In a cabin on a mountain
I’ll be the loneliest f**ker you ever did see
And I’ll dance with ghosts

i should be paying attention

but everything seems so dull

Let my thoughts pile up inside me
Let my emotions be suppressed
Let my mind be shielded
Let nothing penetrate me

When this is all to much
When I need a break
When I start to take off my shield
When I try and be normal

Then, just a word will make me cower
Then, just a thought will make me shrink
Then, from just a paper cut to the skin around my emotions
Then, flows the ink

That long silenced part of me
That part will write!
That part will write about all of the things
That have been stewing inside of me

i dont wanna lay in bed
but i cant seem to move my limbs

i feel bloated
i feel selfish

i just wanna lay here
maybe watch some tv

numbly watch the gorgeous
actresses and actors work

im just so tired
but i cant sleep

i wanna be free
but i dont know how anymore

were we meant to fit?

Red for the blood of your father and mother
Orange for the warmth of love
Yellow for the stars that shine for you
Green for your growth
Blue for the tears of joy and sadness
Purple for the riches of wisdom
Pink for the peacefulness of age
Black for the life beyond

do you ever regret doing something you've always wanted to do?

jump
i dont want you to
exist
breathing in this untainted air,
I want you to be
what they say
no matter what,

the roads are becoming familiar

i cant tell if i like that or not

the roads are becoming familiar

will i stay or go? if i stay will i be happy? if i go will i be happy?

the roads are familiar

what if i left?

the roads aren't familiar

Winds whistle
Trees sway
Screams ripple
Run away

In my mind
I lose it
Don’t you dare try
To soothe this

I like to escape
I like to think
I can feel your hate
Swim, before you sink

My mind is a tornado
Breaking this countryside
Run like a torpedo
You should probably hide

Because she cared for me
Run
To
Me
Told
Mommy

To me and mommy
He was different
To her thinking space and brain
He held a gun

Mommy
Loved
I

He lied
He hurt
He screamed
To me,
I loved him though it was
The definition of tough love:

She stood on a bridge. She stood on a roof. She stood on a star.
It didn’t really matter, because it was really all the same…
She stood at the end.

She looked at the sky, then she looked straight ahead. She looked all around, then she looked down.
She didn’t really care, because she was still very scared.
She saw waves, she saw cars, and she saw space.

She smelled the sickening stench of the demon on her shoulder.
She closed her eyes and inhaled again.
She smelled the sea, she smelled the city, and she smelled the angels’ breaths.

She listened to the wind, and to the sounds below.
She thought she heard the angels calling her
Among the waves, the cars, and the silence…

She had gathered her courage
She held it in her hand
She opened her eyes, and looked down

She felt the wind pushing her, the angels calling her, and the demons taunting her
Then she stepped down
Away from the bridge, the roof, and the star…

sick
sick
sick

I feel it

drip
drip
dr
    i
    p

I feel it

on the back
of my throat

is there a cure?
or is this just how I am?

i woke up today
eager
ready to face the dawn

i was looking forward to things today
excited
then they got canceled

i told myself that id be fine
'okay'
and i tried to be productive

i took a bath and tried to relax
clean
but it backfired because i was left alone with my thoughts

(i ate a lot yesterday)
(does he like me?)
(am i annoying?)
(my stomach is too big, what am i going to do when summer comes?)
(what am i gonna do now?)

i got out of the tub
dripping
and i told myself that i am okay

(i lied)

i sat in the chair next to the christmas tree
silently
trying to think of something to do

i went outside and played basketball
"swish"
then i went inside

now im here sitting in the dark
typing
hoping someone else knows how i feel

(why do i feel so numb inside?)
(i want to cry but i can't)
(why is my stomach so empty but the thought of food disgusts me right now?)

i thought i was fine yesterday... but now im not
(spiraling...)
its no fun

Summer has come
Staying home

Sleeping all day
Worries of grades fade away

Hanging around with friends
Hoping that it never ends

With a sigh, the sun
Descends below the earth and
Waits for the new morn.

Swipe

Swipe

I’m bored

Swipe

Swipe

Stuck

In a cycle

That I can’t

escape

Swipe

I’m programmed

Now To want

That instant

gratification

Swipe

That comes

From a

30 second clip

About nothing

In particular

Swipe

Swipe

Swipe

…
———
I miss the days when I would sit and play in the yard. I would make mud pies and cake and just be a curious, simple kid.

Nowadays, you look around at a restaurant, and the minute a kid says anything loudly or wiggles in their seat, the parents give them a tablet.

My kids are never having tablets.

To satiate ourselves, we’ve seemed to somewhere swipe away our simple senses.

We’ve forgotten what it’s like to be entertained by words on an unmoving, dull page.

We’ve forgotten what it’s like to sit and listen to the birds - or even to listen to a podcast or anything over 10 minutes.

Our lost city is our simplicity.

When will we dig it up again?

———

We’ve forgotten what it’s like to be bored.

And that’s dangerous.

Those that are easily bored are easily manipulated, because they’ll grasp onto anything that comes their way in a desperate attempt to escape from their inner silence.

Do you ever feel
Like
   you
      might
         be
            falling?
Do you ever think
                            That
                         you
                     won't
                   be
             able
          to
      get
  back
up?
Fight that feeling
A
n
d
And take the
                    st
                    ai
                  ­  rs
                      to the top floor.