Dans Mon Lit

j'ai eu viens de réveiller
mes rêves ont eu une sensation triste
et ont été trop supporter
mais je ne peux pas souvenir quoi ils ont été

je me rappelle dernier nuit, mes larmes sont tombés
sur mon lit, parmi les draps et j'ai dormi
avec mes échecs en formulaire liquide
mes yeux ont été bouffies et mouillés

j'ai réveillé en l'obscurité, et je peux sentir
mes gonflés, séches yeux et mon vide espirit
J'ai allongé dans le silence sans bouger
jusqu'a j'ai souvenu pourquoi j'ai pleure

j'ai espéré que si j'ai sans bouger
le souvenir ne serait jamais revenir
et que réalité serait s'effondre
puis être rebati encore sans cette

mais, ce n'a pas été ca façon
et j'ai dû bouger toujours
j'ai dû revenir au réalité j'ai cassé
et recolle les morceaux

The sky turns dark

The wind blows
Shaking the leaves in the trees
Pulling them almost from their roots

The sky turns a grayish blue

Then the rain comes
Down, down, down
Like silky sheets upon a mattress

The storm is here

Dig
Dig
Down

Feel the sweat on your brow
The dirt on your brown, brown hands

The shovel in your fists
The blisters an ugly bright red

Headlamp flickering
Back bending down

Down
Down
Down

Into the dark, damp earth

cold sunsets
on a crisp winter day

a cozy college campus
students all rushing away

brisk paces to their dorm
or class, or library, or home

running running
running

while the sun sinks
beneath the icy night

time feels like its going by so quickly and so slowly
seconds turn into minutes turn into hours turn into days turn into weeks turn into months turn into years

sometimes all i can feel are the seconds
sometimes all i want is the years

sometimes the weeks fly by
and the days pass by like a lazy bird slowly soaring in the sky

Stone is still
Water moves

Water runs over stone
Stone remains still

Water rages

Water rushes over stone
Pushing
     Pushing
         Pushing

Stone remains unmoving

Water stills
It cannot move the stone, so it stops trying

Water resigns itself to dripping

Water drips
Drips
Drips
Drips on stone

Stone remains unchanging

Drip
Drip
Drip-

But then
Over time
Water creates a dent in stone

Stone, although stubborn
Molds to water’s drips

And the two form art

Gooey remains
Of a genius’ brains
Rot inside my head
All is not lost, it is gained

Let it fester and ferment
Filling up my vision
with vibrant, vivacious victory
I finally feel free

peace is slowing your pace
purposefully prolonging the pitter patter
of your feet on the pavement
peering up at the pretty, pale illumination

sick
sick
sick

I feel it

drip
drip
dr
    i
    p

I feel it

on the back
of my throat

is there a cure?
or is this just how I am?

the sun shines through her skin
illuminating her bones

who'd have thought she could be so understood?

make the night last with dancing
because we grew young here

The builder is building a house
Brick by beautiful brick
It seems an unusual house
Everyone agrees

But he loves his house

His ideas are big
His ambitions bigger
But they start with a little house
That he’s designed

For his love

He dreams of his wife
Who will nurture
She who cleans the house
And grows the garden and flowers

While he works on the roof

He longs for the days
they’ll spend laughing together
in their chairs
on the porch that he has built

Drinking lemonade that she has made

He spends his days building
The foundations of this dwelling
With his head full of dreams
His heart full of love

And she watches him built their home

It’s okay to love someone

And tell them no

It’s okay to love someone

And tell them they’re wrong

It’s okay to love someone

And disagree

Room, you’ve been good to me
You’ve sequestered me
You’ve kept me safe
You’ve given me a refuge
You’ve given me a space

Bed, you’ve been good to me
I’ve dreamt many dreams with you
I’ve spent restless nights here
I’ve drenched your sheets with tears
I’ve scrolled endlessly on instagram with you

Desk, you’ve been good to me
We’ve spent many an hour together
We’ve trudged through homework
We’ve enjoyed many movies
We’ve eaten many meals

Shelves, you’ve been good to me
You contain my many books
You hold stories that have shaped me
You carry the burden of all my trinkets
You stand, sturdy and useful

Room, again you’ve been good to me
Way too good to me
You’ve given me privacy, but
I’ve enjoyed your company
We’ve spent so much time together, I don’t know      
    how I’ll do without
You

She opens her eyes
She smiles and looks at the clock
Her left hand reaches out
It touches cold sheets

Her smile becomes frozen
Her hazy vision focuses
She sees the ceiling fan rotating
Round and round and round and round
The machinery never ceasing

She notices the sunbeams
Casting light into the room
She follows it’s rays
Onto the left side of the bed

The king sized bed
Sheets half made
One side warm
The other cold

Her fingers come tightly together
As she looks to her left
Her snowy hair delicately strewn

Her eyes well with tears
The silent streams blur her vision
She looks back at the ceiling fan
And blinks away the salty sadness

She lies for a moment
Watching the machine
Continue… going
Round and round and round and round

Gathering her strength
Then suddenly
She swings her legs over the side
And sits up in one fluid motion

She looks at her feet
Old and swollen

She directs her gaze upward
To the wall in front of her

A bookcase stands
Meeting a wall-bound case of trinkets
Pictures and models of memories sit
Carefully placed on the shelf

She stares at the collage of her life
Then at the blank wall behind it

She stares at the paint
It’s been there so long

She hears the whir of the fan
Going round and round and round

She feels the cold air being blown
Onto her thin, bony shoulders
She stares at the blank, white wall

She hears the clicking of her old dog
Trodding down the hall
As it comes to announce its needs

The dog comes in and sits at her feet
It looks expectantly at her
She doesn’t look at it
She looks at the wall

She stares and stares
Then looks at the clock once more
Only seven minutes have passed
But it feels like an eternity

The dog whines
And pushes its nose under her hand

She looks it in the eyes
She sees it’s pain
And she understands it

She stands to go let the dog out
Her bones creak to remind her:
She is old, and unlike the machinery in her ceiling
No oil can fix her pain
No nut and bolt can add to her purpose
No loosened screws can unload her sadness

Her pain is hers to bear
For she is an old woman
With a good life lived and loved

But now she tiredly watches time go by
Laying in bed, watching the ceiling fan spin

Waiting… dreading the day
She will no longer hear the clicking
Of her dog coming to greet her
With a wagging tail and cloudy eyes

Dreading the day that silence will reign
Except for the whir of the ceiling fan

Dreading the day she will be truly alone

People seated
Row by row
Packed in a tiny aircraft
Is this what it means to be gods?

We’ve tamed machines
And ridden them into the clouds

A woman sleeps
One man snores
Another works
Is this what it means to be majestic?

We hold all this power
Yet we sit in near silence

Anyone who came before
Would have seen this machine in the sky
And worshiped it as holy

But we reside inside
Trying to relax on rock hard cushions

We have tamed the skies and become riders of the sun
We have become warriors

Yet we sit
And snack
On little pretzels
Impatiently waiting
To be mere mortals again

Something about you was different
You said thank you, like everyone else
But our hands brushed and I got this feeling
You were truly thankful

You took the water and chocolate bar
And drank the water first off
You were actually thirsty
You took it in like it was life

Atoms
Make up cells
Cells
Make up me

I stand next to the ocean
Trillions upon trillions of atoms
Make up the water
And the things in it

----

People are so small
Minuscule figures line the shoreline
Yet people take up so much space

Millions of hopes and dreams
prayers and questions
Each person is full of these things

Each person has a name,
goals, flaws, joys, and sorrows
Each one living in the moment

I see two people walking down the beach
Hand in hand
I wonder what they’re thinking

‘She’s so beautiful’
‘His smile lights up my world’
Completely unaware of the power they hold

They both hold life,
which means they have choices
They CHOOSE to walk by the ocean

They CHOOSE to be with each other
The ocean chooses nothing
It obeys the moon and tides with total and utter compliance

I see a family
Mother and father watching their children
Skin and bones as active children are, yet so full of life

So full of the ability to CHOOSE
They choose to romp in the ocean without a care in the world
While their parents CHOOSE to love them

I choose to people watch
To watch them interact with the waves and sand
To watch these minuscule, yet amazing beings

I don’t know you.
I know how we’re related,
But I didn’t know you existed until you died.
That sounds sad, and it is.
I’ve heard that you impacted many people,
But isn’t that what they always say at funerals?

You had an open casket.
There was a picture to compare.
In the picture you were full of life.
Sun kissed and full bodied.
In the casket you looked empty.
Pale and still.
I didn’t look long.
You looked so cold.
Your eyes were closed in the final sleep.
Your skin was so pale it almost matched the silk sheets.

I walked by.
I looked around.
I noticed how full of life everyone was.
Then I thought of you.
You’re in heaven now, full of life again.
But your body is here and it is empty.

You left her behind.
I know you didn’t want to.
She was so quiet.
She didn’t speak or cry.
She just sat beside your fiancé.
He cried, but your daughter was still as stone.
She looked pale, but not as pale as you.
I wanted to look at her and reassure her.
But how do you tell a 12 year old girl it will be okay?
When her mother is gone for good,
And she will never get another hug,
Another kiss,
Another touch,
From you.

I’m glad you’re with God.
It’s just hard to see those you loved suffer.
I have a hard time when I think about my loved ones dying.
I don’t know if I’ll be able to handle it.
I think I’d die of heartbreak.
I’m honestly blown away,
By how strong your daughter is.
She stood there and took everything.
Every look at your casket like a punch in the gut.
Every condolence and hug like kicks to the back.
Every moment of that day like a hopeless trek through the desert night.

do you ever get the feeling that you arent doing enough?
that you aren't being enough?
that you aren't, yourself, enough?

i know i'm doing a lot, got a lot on my plate
but i know other people
who always seem better

i want to do more, be more - but i don't know how
i'm not the smartest, most practical, most creative
i have no idea what i'm doing

all i have is dreams less grandiose than theirs
and contentment waging war with wanting more
and all i want is to feel enough

not to be jealous of what they have
but to be okay with what i've got
and to feel enough

-I-

I’ve always wanted to feel safe
I’ve always wanted a knight in shining armor
You have no armor, but you shine to me
You haven’t been knighted, but that’s okay
You’re everything a knight is without the title
You’re generous, chivalrous, humble, honorable, faithful, courageous, and strong
And even then you’re more,
You’re mine

———————

-II-

You need no earthly armor
You don’t need a title
You don’t have to go slay dragons
Or leave for epic adventures
You do something even better
You stay
You’re here for me
You listen to me talk about my day
Or when I go on a random 11 o’clock ramble

I want to be the maiden you rescue
Every day for as long as you’ll rescue me
Rescue me from my troubles
Sweep me off my feet and take me away
To faraway places
where there is abundant peace, love, and joy
Take me to where you are
I ask for nothing more
I only ask for you

I’m gonna tell you a story… not

Long ago a girl met a boy, but he was no
Ordinary boy, he was Godly, gentlemanly,
Very kind, funny, handsome… everything she
Ever dreamed of, and more. and he loved her!

Yet even though he proved to her time and again
Our girl couldn’t believe it… she was terrified,
Understandably so, for love is terrifying, but

Time went on… she knew him more and she
Realized she wanted him to know
Everything about her, and she wanted the same
Letting him in was scary at times, but
Little by little, she fell further and further
In love… but this story isn’t over, it’s the start of
Something much bigger

Ive never really appreciated everything hands can do.
Ive always known hands are useful. I know they bring things close and throw things away. I know they clasp onto something and hold on to it.

But I’ve never fully appreciated their beauty.
Slender, quick-moving fingers
Nails delicately placed on their ends
Wide, soft palms, and the lines across them
Callouses from hard work

Your hands are golden brown
I love them

Your fingers trace my skin
Your palms are so soft and warm on my shoulders

I love to watch your hands
The way you place your hands on the steering wheel
The way you dribble a basketball
The way your hands fit into mine (even though they're so much bigger)

‘Let’s play the quiet game!’
‘3, ,2 ,1… go!’

Silence slowly slinks in…

I won’t be the first to break it

Seconds tick by
Minutes
Hours
Days
Years

I won’t be the first to break it

Will you?

you may feel shame rising in you
i understand
i have felt it many times as well

but you need to know
you can change
do not let one mistake get the better of you

you can turn yourself around
it seems impossible to even try
but i believe in you

if i can try,
so can you

in case you havent heard it yet today
in case you need to hear it today

you are worthy
you are loved

read it again

I think she feels stuck

"im a ****** old woman living in a crazy house"

i don't think shes happy

which *****

but what can i do?

'how does he have any self confidence?'
no one knows

grandma picks on him
auntie undermines him

cousin doesn't listen to him
he has no power

'how does he have any self confidence?'
no one knows

but he holds the door open with a smile
tells a joke to brighten someone's day

i don't know how he has the energy to be that sort of light
when his days are mostly dark as night

'how does he have any self confidence?'
no one knows

he's quiet and unassuming
until he tells a joke, and his laughter rings out, loud and booming

he talks when someone listens
because that's all he wants... someone to care

i want to stay close (theres a college 30 minutes from home)
i don't wanna be too close (i can live on campus)
i don't wanna be stuck where i've always been (i can travel if i want)
what if i become an outsider in my old life? (maintain your friendships, and create new ones)

the roads are becoming familiar

i cant tell if i like that or not

the roads are becoming familiar

will i stay or go? if i stay will i be happy? if i go will i be happy?

the roads are familiar

what if i left?

the roads aren't familiar

i should be paying attention

but everything seems so dull

i used to wonder how people in movies fell in love after only one night

then i learned to waltz

i woke up today
eager
ready to face the dawn

i was looking forward to things today
excited
then they got canceled

i told myself that id be fine
'okay'
and i tried to be productive

i took a bath and tried to relax
clean
but it backfired because i was left alone with my thoughts

(i ate a lot yesterday)
(does he like me?)
(am i annoying?)
(my stomach is too big, what am i going to do when summer comes?)
(what am i gonna do now?)

i got out of the tub
dripping
and i told myself that i am okay

(i lied)

i sat in the chair next to the christmas tree
silently
trying to think of something to do

i went outside and played basketball
"swish"
then i went inside

now im here sitting in the dark
typing
hoping someone else knows how i feel

(why do i feel so numb inside?)
(i want to cry but i can't)
(why is my stomach so empty but the thought of food disgusts me right now?)

i thought i was fine yesterday... but now im not
(spiraling...)
its no fun

I don’t want a relationship right now
Right?
I keep telling myself that
Because I’m tired
I have no energy to keep up with anyone other than myself
And even then it’s hard
I tell myself that i should wait
Because im moving away in two years,
And what’s the point in loving someone when you know you’re going to leave?
I tell myself
That I don’t even know what love is
And that much is true.

But I just wish I had someone
Pull me close when im sad
Hold my hand when im scared
and give me someone to love

I just want someone to share the simple joys of life with
To drive around town at midnight with
To sing off key without a care with
To snuggle up next to and look at the stars with

I tell myself I don’t want a relationship
Then I meet people
And make up our love story
And allow myself to live through it, if only in my head
I let myself love them
But it’s one sided, they never know
Then sadness overtakes me
Because I think I love them (but who am I to know what love is?)
I know a few people
Who might like me
But like isn’t love
And I dont know how to tell the difference

I just wish I knew
How to know a boy without inevitably obsessing over him
How to tell when a smile is special or not
How to tell if he likes me

I don’t want a relationship right now…
Right?

i posted a comment on a youtube video
it was a poem I thought that maybe 5 people would read

it got 3.5k likes...
i doubt it if i know 3,500 people by name in real life

3,500 people is a lot and it makes me happy to know
that they liked my thoughts and even commented!

i felt that they got to see a glimpse of the true me, and thats terrifying
if i only truly feel seen by people liking my poem online

the thunder is
here and i crouch
under the
noise. i
didn't understand how anyone could
ever feel so powerless. i
really didnt understand how
someone could
take cover
or crouch so lowly in such
real fear until i
met the thunderstorm, and then i understood

you cant see the teeth marks...

they're hiding under my watch

i dont wanna lay in bed
but i cant seem to move my limbs

i feel bloated
i feel selfish

i just wanna lay here
maybe watch some tv

numbly watch the gorgeous
actresses and actors work

im just so tired
but i cant sleep

i wanna be free
but i dont know how anymore

sticky sticky
dripping honey

the words spill out
of your mouth so often

at first i felt
the butterflies

but now i feel
kinda sick inside

i dont know why
i dont like you less

i just feel like
im swimming

in sticky sticky
dripping honey

far too sweet
for a girl like me

do you ever regret doing something you've always wanted to do?

loneliness isnt necessarily
when youre alone.
loneliness is the feeling
that you shouldn't be
even if you are surrounded by people

people are happy alone
until they come to learn
that they are, to society,
lonely

the first loneliness is when
you have never not been alone
when you want to be with someone
but you don't know how to get to that point

the loneliness after
is when you have been with someone,
but they left, you left,
or it just didn't work out

people talk about finding love at first sight
but how would you know unless you were looking?

i am finding love at first loneliness.

i look at a stranger
and i envision our lives together
our children
our pets
our house
our LIVES
but then they walk away (literally)

and i am left
with half a dream
that they never knew about

i made a friend
in an online chat room
too bad i'll never talk to him again

he said he liked the way
i worded things
he said the way i said 'EPIC'
was adorable... it made me blush...
i don't know why

i laughed at his jokes
as we spoke about ghosts
and the rolling hills of england

the flower in the
field was swaying in gentle wind
a patient flower

Flower was taken
placed into a vase to be
admired by passers

Flower dies slowly
yet willing to wilt for us
yearning for our love

she is beautiful
and she dies beautifully
and gives joy to me

Loneliness when you’re surrounded by people
But nobody understands you would be worse
Then if you were the only person left on earth

One day I’m gonna live by myself
In a cabin on a mountain
I’ll be the loneliest f**ker you ever did see
And I’ll dance with ghosts

Everyone talks about how
Hell will be a pit of fire
I think the opposite
For fire is warmth and light

Hell will be cold
Cold on this earth is only
The abscence of heat
Hell will be truly cold

Nothing to warm you
Nothing to give you light
You’ll be frozen in terror
Unable to take flight

Stuck in the moment where you realize
There is no hope here
And you can’t close your eyes
To make it disappear

When we think of grandparents,
We think of smiling faces
Warm hugs
Sometimes slow or in a wheelchair
But they are always there to listen

But one day they won’t listen
They want to but
they can’t
Their ears aren’t working as well anymore
You have to shout when you’re five feet away

They won’t hear your words
But they’ll see your face, the sadness
The frustration
They’ll know that they are getting old
And when they know it, you know it and it hurts

14-10
10-4
4-2
2

You know you’re grown
When your monsters change
They don’t lurk in closets
And hide underneath beds
Now they stand in the hallways
Bunched up, whispering
Now, they point and gossip
Spreading rumors
You’re not afraid to walk
Upstairs at your grandma’s anymore
You’re not afraid to turn off the lights
Instead, you’re afraid of the rush
to get to the classroom
You’re afraid to go to lunch
You’re afraid to talk to them
So, how you know
When you’re grown
Is when your monsters change

if sadness was a color . . .
if despair was a shape . . .
what a
            marvel
                        loss
universe it would create!