I find it,

   fleeting

   in moments between planning and remembering
Bursting forth

   Like breaks of brilliant sunshine.
In the rise of my lover’s chest,

   thick and warm beneath my cheek.

In the wild and beautiful flowers,

   that don't know the word “****”.

In the unexpected, brilliant red and green of a hummingbird hovering,

   so close… so close
In the increasingly rare moments when my daughter and I SEE each other,

   fully as we are, bound and flawed.
In the now,

   There it is.

  

    Bliss...
   and then. goes. only to come again.

   forever, it comes again.

Ignorance and divinity are both vomiting over my mind, while i stand below them wondering if I should even bother to duck.
I don’t know.
I don’t know.
There are so many things to do, directions to take, propositions to be made – each one waiting on these silly little green permission slips. Even the simplest of happily ever afters comes with quite a hefty price.

I just want to get ***** making stuff, making art, making food, making love. Sleep and repeat.

These ****** hands of mine -
when there's only space between -
are good for nothing.

at long last comes rain
washing clean air, earth and soul
green, she comes again

she flayed herself open
at the alter of his brown eyes.
begging him
to burn off the cold.

This love
Big love
     sweet, salty
          kissing, sweaty skin love
          licking the lengths,
              and slow,
                   to savor love
     heat builds, slick
          fingers, lips thick
               wanting, wanting,
                     wanting this love.

This love
Big love
      hot, deep
          electric, passing love
                 fingers to chests
                      tongue to tongue
                            hips to hips
     building in a moment, love
           this bliss.
                   this love...

Take a walk with me
where the deep calls out to the deep
you will find me there

Take a walk with me
through the trees and green things
where a soul can breath

I crash
against myself

again
  and again
     and again

throwing myself into
the possibilities
of me

she
who could be
   or has always been

while I,
in the now
stand scrutinized
under judgmental eyes

that I no longer wish to heed

I rage.

And not in that "hate is just another form of love" ******* way.

I Rage.

At my own **** decisions.
My own incompetencies.
My own cowardly impotence.

I RAGE.

Bearing the consequences of my failures
with attempted and failed
grace.

I RAGE.
GOD ******* ****!**

and then it's passed.

he rakes me
sharply, softly,
    with big, sturdy hands

watching the red spread
all the way down

the sudden intensity
sets my sleepy skin ablaze
and my consciousness uncoils
in the haven of his arms...

*good morning, love.

i'm wanting
like hard brittle things
want to break

stuttering, trying to explain
to the organized, box trained
how badly i need a little chaos

cause those patterns out there
in the stars
make way more sense to me
than your day planners

And i've tried.
half my life i've tried
the people pleasing parts of me, still ******* trying
to play the expected parts
so much so
that my own offspring - my own blood
looks at me now with foreign eyes
reflecting the familiar disapproval

as I burn up the parts of me i'm done with
the parts they told me I had to be
letting all the "ugly" colors bleed through

everyday I get a little closer
to what i'm supposed to be...

Soft I shall remain
against hard and sharpened
happenings

with open heart
and bated breath
I wait...

I found myself stuttering yesterday...
clumsily tripping, fumbling,
over words.
The explanation of my whereabouts -
in question.
Like a guilty child.

Awareness then anger emerge.
irritated, indignant hostility.
That I would allow this again -
over and over and over again…

Trying to account for every moment beneath suspicious eyes. Groundless guilt rising up, as I choke, words broke and unspoke

- while the little voice in my head screams "I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG!"

little love letters
emanate through fingertips
and soft kissing lips

hold up. slow down.

my pendulum swung so fast
round and round

from the void of feeling
to hope - to anger - to hope - to desperation - to hope - to rage - to heartache - to hope -

then the explosion of feeling
burst to life in warm and welcoming hands
lust - love - lust - love - lust - love - love - love
and a deep seated need to be touched, to be seen.

finally.

exploded up like a banshee, screaming towards the sky
so fast. so high.
So fast. so High.
SO FAST. SO HIGH.

And I promised. I promised, love, didn't I?
This time.
Live bigger, Love better. Live better, Love bigger.
With eyes wide open
I breath, and I wake.

the farther she steps
off the typically tread path

the darker the eyes upon her become.

the sudden realization
that these sheep
have teeth
and a mob-mentality, peer justified taste
for cruelty

I want him  like a frozen stick of butter wants a hot knife...
Cut into me, leaving a salty trail of melted **** in his wake...

Every hard part of me begs this release,
break me down,
free me from ****** little store bought boxes
I was never meant to fit in.

I was never meant to fit in.

I stumble on those words;
"I love you"

So far from adequate
that my tongue
rolls itself in distaste.

But I offer it up anyways
(such a tiny totem)

and hope that you know,
hope that you see,
hope that you feel,

the sheer ecstasy that follows in it's wake…

In rising
rush, rush
rushing up
and with barely time to collect
I fall.

Fear at first rushes
wide & consumes
with every new cresting

But slowly, I accept
and embrace
this wild turbulence
that awakens
every molecule of my being.

*I am alive.

the soul reels
against the borders of body
as i am reduced
again
and again
to elegant explosions

the driving,
   pulling
      merging
of flesh
upon flesh
melts thought
and i'm caught
in the now

now -

Now -

NOW

*and i'm gone...

It was painful
i will admit…
feeling so cold
so raw
like a carcass in a meat locker

Desperately craving his warmth,
but finding a chilly resistance instead
I shrunk back -
unsure...

Feeling terribly alone there…
in the dark,
listening,
listening,
to the deafening silence...

My forgiveness
     will not come from you -
     smiling, snake tongued
     liars.

     With your holier than thou eyes.
     and bitter hearts.

For now, I only ask it
     of myself.
For my fumblings, my fears -
     as I begin again.

"I love him"
hit like creation in a particle collider.

Not the words or motions,
just a big, deep, gut punch -
all of a sudden
free falling.

And i'm elated, excited
and ******* terrified.
As I flail, clumsily
in my fall.

Taunted by
the sharp what-ifs & maybes
that litter the ground
But he whispers
"baby, we're not going down"

Now i'm clinging
to this new air/warmth/light,
but afraid that i'm gonna cling
too tight

I just got a little panicked
love, when it hit
you kind-of exploded me,
a bit.

the light of his eyes
challenges and dares
the wild haired girl inside
that she thought had died

so long ago

and smiling eyes
bring the uncensored grins
of a once brazen soul

his hands granting reprieve
from the cold -
and finally,
She feels.

He makes me want to be brave again.

it was always a roller coaster
turbulent and gut wrenching
highs and lows

Always a state of ready.
ready for the dark to come home.
ready for the criticism,
ready for the down,
ready for the accusations,
ready for the threats,
ready for the blame.

Of course I detached.
And the farther I got - the darker He
became.

while THINGS got smashed, punched, crushed -
love and trust were destroyed. Softer parts of Me
learned to flinch
(love should never make you flinch in fear)
and quickly built walls of defense.

quietly making promises to my little voice…
if he threatens me once more...
if he punches the wall once more...
if he hurts me…
if he hurts me…
if he hurts me…

No. I wanted to make this pretty, but I just can't.
I wanted to make a beautiful poem of waking and finding my way back - but I can't yet. Its all a ****** dark mess of anger and shame. Seeking some sort of forgiveness, forgiveness from who?
I won't ever ******* go back, do you understand that? Can any words even come close to expressing the depth of that pit I was in? I don't miss it. I don't secretly need it. I still don't know how I got into or out of it.

Yes, he ******* hurt me. OF COURSE I DETACHED. HE tried to ******* destroy me. Intentionally or not - He tried to destroy me - this one life I have. All that I AM. Me, Devon. For every drop I offered, he took a gallon. Yes he ******* hurt me. Your precious son, brother, father, friend. Smashed ****, in front of our child, punched holes into EVERY ******* DOOR in that house, pulled the emergency brake on the freeway at 80 mph with our daughter in the car, and then called me abusive when I slapped him on the shoulder hysterically for it. He kicked and threatened to **** my dog, shoved me and slammed me into walls. Night, after night, after night - denied sleep because I didn't want to **** him and if he couldn't sleep then why the **** should I? But how could I want someone I loathed, inside of me? Constantly  accused of ******* someone else and told that I was as lesbian for not wanting him. **** him. **** him. **** him.

Worse - I am the one ASHAMED of myself. Ashamed that I could not fix it, that I could not give him what he wanted. Ashamed that it took me so long. Ashamed that I am no longer capable of compassion for an obviously sick man that I think (I think but can't recall now)  I loved once. Ashamed that I ignored my own little voice. Ashamed that my daughter has seen so much weakness in her mother and so little of what love should be.

Now I am vilified for lack of compassion - for "giving up" as they say.
For Hurting Him. Because I. Hurt. Him.

And that, is not a pretty feeling.
It's ******* ******* - hissing, high pressure, rocking-back-ready-to-blow, ******* feeling. Scribbled and incoherent, shredded paper & canvas, ****** knuckles, red-faced, spit-flying feeling.

No. It is not pretty.

the big, big space
of air
felt like lead weights on my tongue.
i couldn't get out
all the fear
all the pain
all the hurt

all the fear
        all the pain
                 all the hurt (these are deep waters my love)

stumbling over the absence of your warm arms
I try to hear all you have to say
while it crushes me,
           it crushes me...

with a soft & skittish beat
she builds
the little muscle
left filled
     with holes & bruises

slowly now, little atrophied heart

you'll never find strength
under the weight
of walls

The long quiet slumber
shatters
with the heat
he summons so easily

My master fire starter.

Building me up
and setting ablaze
She
that has waited long,
           so long
to burst forth -

now,
now,
now,

I Wake.

love me
with hands open
ready for my own to intertwine
love me
without binds
that would only break
the soft things my soul longs to speak
to you
love me
love me
love me
*I do

i let my fears out to the liquid night sky
they burst out my throat and eyes
an explosion of salty tears and choked sobs

they rushed forth into the dark
and as they dispersed they faded and changed
and I,
the epicenter,
fell to my knees
as the ripples returned

soft night winds carried whispers
to dry the tears
and the stars pulled up my gaze
deep and reassuring -
that I was and am, just as I should be,
right now.
and that one day yes, I would return to them.

so don't fear and don't fret little love.
just feel and be felt
love and be loved
because you are made of stars,
born to burn
born to shine
no matter or mind all the trivial things

energy and matter
crossed space and time to awaken in your eyes
right now

right
now

right

now.

baby, baby, baby
hearts so full of
maybes

and hands so warm
with welcome
and lips full of promise
baby

but i’m still full of fears
maybes

and that little voice
keeps saying
“just let him love you
like a big, much needed stretch, a deep breath
purring, baby”

god, i wanna love you
maybe...

one more step
away from static
and my stomach
lungs
heart
now reside
in my throat

another step
past familiar
and my hopes
and old dreams
start to sparkle
back to life

just one more step
and I can feel
the anticipation
of freedom
licking at my heels

*I feel so ready to run

my soul is a blaze
eyes and heart
full
of things
my tongue is still to timid to say

but warm palms
and soft lips
put my stuttering thoughts
to rest
and my little voice
whispers
“it’s all going to be okay”

I know it.
I know it.
I know it.

It’s all going to be okay

the universe laughs
as I struggle to make sense
of this new lesson

soft glow
burning
burning
burning low

you – master
fire starter
blowing
coaxing
rousing to life

the forgotten inferno
of me, My, MINE
the releasing of light
shine
shine
shine

I beseeched the void
the darkness, the light, the ALL
she breathed back *“awake”

heart shaped words
spill silently from the stars in your eyes

weaving a blanket of pleasure
your open hands invite me to enter
to crawl under
and in

and you watch me
with such wanting eyes
that lips and fingertips
burn in response
and deeper parts
beg to receive
and be received

and YES, I did ask for this

all of this
all of this
all of this

*please

mine, my mothers, daughters
mouths stitched shut
so tightly kept hearts
would not cut
too deep

held so high
in minds
but bodies bound
in dark places
so their light could never blind

“they fear us, you know,
but you should never let their fear
shame you.”

Never dull your spark, my little one.

soft touches
and deep eyes
make this heavy heart
feel so light
and I mean light

elated, electric, light

as both comfort and urgency
burrow into my bones

down
down
down
the rabbit hole

I so willingly go
as more reserved facets of my self
scream NO!

but I can't find the will to stop
fingers,  probing flesh,
mouth    exploring
places            foreign

deeper

deeper

down

I.
Intimidation.

When his voice raises
I flinch

7 doors, 3 walls, 1 car
and dozens of small appliances and knickknacks
all know the consequences of this rage

There is a small knot in my back, too
that shudders
but that was just an accident.

"You know I would never hurt you, right?"

Maybe.

Maybe my head believes you.
But still
my body
flinches

II.

Waterboarding

He's bleeding out now
sickly sweet syrup
pouring it straight down my throat
       (or trying to)
telling me to drink
and the more I struggle
and choke
the more he pours out
smothering both feathers and flight

ever apologetic for the the mess - but so sure
that if he keeps bleeding, keeps pouring
I will eventually see
how much he really loves me.

*but when drowning one only loves air

words elude me tonight
tease my fingers
with their  possibilities
     their promises

the ocean just keeps getting ****** up
behind my tongue
swelling and churning
in chaotic symphony

conflicting emotions crash & break
against weather weary bones
it was all just child's play before

the walls are coming down soon
I can feel it
and all this ink will not save me

inhale, exhale
breath.
*"may chaos be kind to me"

Take it -
Just take it easy.
(****, he makes it easy)

With flattery, fluttering
eyes sliding,
all the way up my thighs

then melting me
back down
when he calls me “baby”

just rolls right off
that wicked quick tongue,
like nothing

“baby”

ratcheting up my heart
my breath
my blood

“oh baby”

melt me down again

“baby”
like its no big thing

*but it’s everything to me.

Big skies of home
pull at strings rooted deep
in the younger parts of my heart

eyes reflect
a hundred summer days
spent in the green and gold sage
dreaming

the land here
is full of ghosts
that recognize and call out
as soon as my air
meets their air

and my phantom wings answer
raising me
up
up
up

embracing the wind
that loved me then
and always

There he goes again
with those eyes
stripping me bare
of all armor.
all masks.
all pretenses.

In this undressed state
a little uncomfortable
and a little afraid
of what might be seen
what might be found
what might be felt

*i'm burning now