I crushed a  little piece of her,
my strong little girl.
Her face blank, cheeks flushed red and eyes glossing over

she faked a smile, made a noise
and ran.

just like her mother.
and I sat with wind knocked out of me heart stopped for a moment.
a moment of mourning
for the innocence just lost.

I’m so sorry baby
I love you more than all of life. and I pray that by following my heart, *you will learn to do the same.

the crushing blows
of your words
strike,
when least expected

and despite all my armor
you still manage to find those sweet spots

I used to crumple
knowing,
if I yielded,
you would put down your blades

but there was a secret I did not tell you, the last time you took me down.
in the dark, as I licked my wounds, I realized

I would never be
what you tried to make me.
I knew
you could never break me.

you will never break me

you will never break me

you will never break me

I speak in metaphors
feel in colors,  think in painted movie screens

My tongue a sluggish traitor
to the quick flashing shades in my heart

I try to

STOP.

RESET.

START.

but that train of thought has left the station
and editors start to intervene -
before new pictures come fully into focus, the domesticated directors in my mind yell
"CUT"
and that impish tongue obeys

I paddle the air
trying to stir up the scent of what was about to be -
but it refuses to come

ever loyal hands rush to my rescue
cupping temples and eyes
catching fallen thoughts
to later let loose upon paper

with gentle breaths
you blow  life
back into dormant embers

and deft fingers
coax little flames back to life

I shift, nervous,
that this heat will devour me

*but i’ve been wandering the cold dark for so long…

my bliss
is quiet morning
gentle waking
creamy sweet coffee

my bliss
is small hands holding,
bright eyes
calling "mommy"

my bliss
is bare feet touching
fingers digging, earth reminding
of roots yet laid

my bliss
is arms spread
rain drenched hair, mouth open
seeking communion with the sky

my bliss
is soft and rough
elegant, explosion of energy building
then quiet

my bliss*
is starlight,
windblown promises
that I am all and nothing right now

goosebumps linger
long after hungry lips
are christened

and little shivers
still spark down the length of me

i let them, for the moment
take me.

*I don’t want to wrestle with the dark just yet

Remember:

bare feet flying across
ashy, sun scorched trails
cape of gold hair billowing behind
- camouflage in the golden brown scrubland

run. Run. RUN!

as far and as fast as growing legs could carry
racing the sunset
through fields, over hills, to the very top
you have to beat the sunset!

up there, I found peace,
alone, between sun and stars.
alone, between light and dark.

*remember who you are devon.

it took EVERYTHING
in me

to walk away
to not touch

when every part of me wanted to turn around and crash into you with such force it would knock you flat.

with hungry hands, thirsty lips
a body that would bend (however you want it to bend)
a tongue that desperately wants to taste
limbs that want to embrace
and skin that craves the heat of skin



*what am I so afraid of?

long slumbering parts
stir
as this new scent fills me
and unfamiliar energies
strike shivers down my spine...

hands, head, heart
lost for words

as all that I am
is reduced to
a collective groan...

*i want more.

laid bare
i’m bleeding here
assaulted with rare forwardness
- i just didn’t know how to defend myself

a little panic
plays in my head
as securities are disarmed
and well hidden shadows of my self
start slipping out
pouring out
bursting out
out
out
out
(god, they want out)

making a fine mess of me,
you are
*and I am not even yours to mess with

Body on fire
but no lover's hands will touch me tonight

Spine a crackling fuse
wanting, WANTING so desperately to bend and arch
under the weight of another

Skin wanting to melt under the heat of tongue and teeth

Hands
Such needy, craving hands -
They will hold nothing tonight

I am alone

I had resigned myself
to nothing real. To not feeling. To not needing.
And I was so sure I would be fine.

but YOU found the cracks
and a well timed wave
… of something …
hit like a train.
knocked out all the delusions of contentment

now, stuttering, gasping, dazed

and that lovely light in your eyes
threatens the dark I have become accustomed to

and I just don't know what to do...

no one ever
has affected me
quite so quickly

quite so dramatically

3 days after meeting you
I found myself
drunk on the floor
surrounded by pastels and
charcoal smudged, scribbled
sobbing
puddle of tears and ***** hands

because of you.
That lovely light of you. With flirty grins and passion filled eyes,
and an underlying kindness - big and overflowing with promise

reminding me of everything I told myself I didn’t need, that I could do without. One look from you destroyed it. The wall i’d been working on for so long. And worse, knowing I couldn’t have it. Not now. and never from you

hating you, loving you , thanking you.
**** you.
**** you.

damning you,
as I sit here, grinning stupidly at the sound of your voice. Desperately wanting to feel what has not been felt in so long...

lost you love,
fingers to weak,
and atrophied arms
couldn't hold
the completeness of you.

All my supposed strength
was a sham
wasn't enough
was nothing

and I'm sorry.

*but i won't give up looking for you. because I feel you in my bones, in my blood, in my soul. I will never stop looking for you.

fever builds
in the chilly silence
of loss

slow rising
of heat and anger
and hope

funny,
what sets it off...

a strangers sly grin
reminds me
I'M ALIVE

and all the space
in this bed
has not extinguished me
after all.

there is all this build-up
for those who struggle with the dark
demons that nag at your soul

often the wave
of depression peaks and crashes
uneventfully and unknown to the world

but sometimes
the soul is overwhelmed
and the dark we battle claims another life.

what does it mean
when the dreams you dream
years later, in waking find you?

in response it replied:

material things one weds
will need to be shed
for purpose and light to be true...

in anger I demanded
proof
of your existence

unable to comply

in anger
I sent you away
banished you from my head
i said
i hated you

but i lied
i lied
i lied
i lied

should you ever find this
if  you still hear me
if you  are real or imaginary

i'm sorry
sorry
sorry

*please forgive me

standing toe to toe
eyes daring
the other to go
cold aggressive glares
bodies waiting
ready for the flare
intake of air
and simultaneously
muscles ignite
veins alight
in adrenaline
as questions
and hesitance
are replaced
with  **now

sun browned skin
wild haired girl
barefoot running
ducking  touching collecting watching
alone
laughing dreaming

dreaming

barefoot green eyed
wild girl
chasing

*chasing what?

I wear not my heart on my sleeve.
Its weight tears even the strongest of fabrics

I say not those words you saw dance across my face
they are to thick for air to hold
(and my tongue is often a traitor)

But if you really want me
you will find me
in the the silence and the moments
after eyes catch and before pretenses begin.

As I am the offspring
of many a fantasy novel, and science fiction adventure, of horrific foes in all shapes and personalities, a child of heroes, damsels in distress and warrior princesses -

Naturally -

I expected a certain order to things.
I may have been
mistaken.

intrigue
ignites quickly in me
as I search for
a word
a glance
a quietly whispered
GO!
to unleash
the patiently pacing
girl
who wants nothing less
than the world, or just her freedom.

but the seconds, days,years
pass
False alarms or missed moments?

*both are frequent

The silence in my head/hands is deafening.
My head and hands jump
from full, brimming,
chaos -

To empty, dry
silence.

Parched, drained,
The only poetry left
is this silence.

*and I will give it all to you. if you'll have it.

I weighed it. Took measure, found the fears
separate, but equally crushing.

This is my fault.
This is the only love
I'm worthy of
My vacancy
would destroy him
This is all
my fault
Bitterness
already stains us all
And my inaction
paralyzes any hope of redemption

My child will learn
lies.
Instead of love.

Her hatred of me
will grow.
And it will all
*be my fault.

kicking and screaming

it kicks
it claws
biting, spitting
it gnaws

her bones
moan, groan
can’t take this _
much longer

used to be so quiet here
*before she let the anger in...

restless
loveless
wishing I could stress less
but I won't.

caged, trapped
ready to snap
I need to do something
but I don't.

At eleven years old
voices awoke in my head.

The child realized
people dying
screaming, crying
all over the world.

despair
exploded
inside
knocked out the air
and I cried.

little girl tears, snot filled, sobbing, innocent

Then I buried them.
The voices.

Inner warmth
pours from your eyes.
Beacons
for a lonely ship
Sailing empty oceans

Hungry heart
and teeth to tear.
I’d bury myself inside you.

I would call you home.

But don’t worry love,
The will is good.
And the ocean always calls me home.

I meant to say
"I like hanging out with YOU"
Instead I said "I like hanging out here"

I meant to say
I Like You

Instead I said goodnight.

*It's safer that way.

These passages
articulated, contemplated
repeated in hearts never known.

Such power they can have
as heart strings are pulled
and fiery hopes ignited.

Such sway they hold over our dreams
as the world seems
to overlook them.

Poets.

Bands of kindred spirits
as diverse as all the light
and dark
of our world.

They are all pain, desolation, loss and fear
They are all pure joy, hope, passion and love

Forever and never alone

I wish you well on your journeys.

I used to paint with fervor. Drinking coffee till morning hours, hands feverishly grabbing at paints and pastels. I'd lay the color down. A brush in my mouth and one in my hand. Rubbing paint and charcoal deep into canvas and paper.
Thick.
I would get inside the paper.
My world.
Black and vibrant blood red. Stark white sheets calling out to me, begging to be brought to life, brought to light.

Now my hands feel so empty. Shallow.
Lost their purpose?
I try picking up the brush, but it just hangs. Empty. Cold, without the heat that used to burn through my fingers. How did I get here?
Colors still dance around my head. Shapes, ideas, visions. They bang against the bars of my impotence.
While my hands hang.
Waiting...for something.

write.
write.
write.
you say speak
I babble - mouth leak
you say listen
but shift uncomfortable
when my eyes probe yours too deep.
you can’t handle  this
long, cavernous,
uncomfortable silence
this is where I live,
ravenous.

hungry
hungry
hungry

you say eat
but again,
your eyes won’t meet
my own
afraid I might devour
what’s left of
your power
so I starve.
starve.
starve.

drinking
to much...
words elude me

or way to many words bombard me...

drunk, drunk
fuzzy in my head...

drunk, drunk
time for bed

Relieved I realized, this is just a test.

Certainly not THE test.

Right?
Wait, what?

But I am not doing well
I could've done better
Just let me have another go
I promise I will try harder

Think Broader.
Live Better.
Love Bigger.

Please, I didn't realize -

Could you just wait a moment
Stop the clock for a sec
I wasn't ready yet

Please

What kind of ******* is this
That's not fair
Stop the ******* CLOCK
*******!
and your stupid test
I was going to ace this thing
I just didn't know it had started.

Wait, I'm sorry.
Don't leave me,
I didn't mean to be rude
I just can't mess this up
I just need another chance
please

Look I'm thinking broader
I'll Live Better
I'm going to LOVE so much BIGGER!

Please!

I promise
I promise
I promise

*please don't let it be too late

broken never felt so good
standing so straight made me ache
all the time

crumpled loosely in piles
in this beautiful mess you've made me
feeling sublime

all that buildup of anxiety
its like getting on a plane
flying higher and higher
not knowing for sure if your chute is going to work
and then panicking
as every fiber of your being
SCREAMS NO

and out you go


you hold your breath and tumble for a moment
then dare to open your eyes

Realizing

it doesn't matter if the chute doesn't open
because right now

your flying

the meat
of my soul
has been stretched
to far

thinned

my being
stumbles, deliriously
staggers

now open spaces
and voids
engulf & consume
tired logic

may sweet rest come
for weary bones

sink down
                

down


down


*into merciful dark

Better stop
   before friendly arms
      are weighted with love
and do harm

Better stop
    the ruse,
       loads of lies
will not add up to truths

Better stop
     those sweet needy lips
        before touching
ends friendship

*you know it won't end well...

stepped into the rain
and spice filled wind
caught me again

inside whispers, “mmmm!”

into the dark street
sideways glance shows
I am alone.

*where are you?

beginning to break
or shine?
I really don’t know
in the space
of one city block
I go from feeling
like god
to ****
cracked in my core
split
the lives I hide
been beating
gnawing, eating
at my insides
separated
soulless
But overflowing
with soul
and no way
to let loose
the demons
or divinity
within me

feel away
the night
as sweet tries
fall on
dead limbs

the young
should not feel
so numb.

When i was younger i saw a painting entitled “the ferocity of love”. It was all awash in crimson and bright ****** reds, with streaks of yellow and black. At the time i thought it was for passion. Hot red passionate love. That is what love is when you are young.

Years later, after the birth of my daughter, i was taken by surprise. Starring into her wide grey eyes i felt a sudden and surprising darkness in my bones. (I was prepared for motherly love, pride, soft happy joy, hormone induced highs and lows, but not this sudden darkness). It was deep, and angry.

It was rage.
It was rage.
It was rage.

This anger hit me like tsunami.
Anger that anyone, ANYONE EVER, would ever try to hurt this little thing in my arms.
Rage that the world would one day try to brake her.

how dare you.
how dare you.
how dare you.

Only then did i truly understand “The Ferocity of Love”. Because there is a beast in me that will never hesitate to protect you. A darkness in my bones more ferocious than any monster that would hurt you.

Little innocent. I am yours.
All goodness resides in your eyes, in your soul.
My rage will be my shield and sword.
*To love and protect you always.

beginnings  bring
everyday anger
setting slings
of unfortune
upon girls
crying, innocents
dieing
bodies disfigured
all for
your disembodied
dieties

forcing your
HATE
crimes against
my sisters
little brothers
you’ve stolen
lives.

*******

and your
selfish ideologies
they were
just babies
with hands
beautiful hearts
dreaming sweetly

you are
lifetimes away
continents apart
just pray
you never
feel wrath
of this mother
this sister
this angry girl.

In random moments
I whisper to myself to remember.

Remember this.

Sunlight glaring off ocean waves.
Wind whipping across the sand.
The salty, fishy, clean smell
brown and bubbly white seafoam streaks.
And my toes in sea and land.

Laughter of a little girl,
small fingers dig
building big castles.

*This is where I am supposed to be.