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Colten Sorrells Nov 2016
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.
.
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I know you really hate me right now
and we haven't spoke for awhile, but
wherever you are right now
I can feel you fading away
and I tried to text you, but
every time I do
I'm completely
overcome by this
vague sense of terror
tightening my airways just enough
to make me really take notice
and making my heart pound
all the way in my throat
so I am powerless to reach you
but whatever you're doing
with your Saturday night
I just really hope you're safe
I never meant
for things
to turn out
this way
Colten Sorrells Nov 2016
When she found me I was in hell
My body was an empty shell
Was just about to give up hope
and then she tossed me down a rope

I didn't even have to climb
I finally emerged to find
The kindest soul I've ever met
whose kindness I would not forget

She calmed my demons, healed my heart,
and dried up all my tears
Gave me the strength to fight again
and helped me face my fears

And for all this she did for me
asked nothing in retrun
She followed me into the fire
and I just let her burn

She built me up from nothing
as she withered up and died
She gave up everything for me
And ill never know why

She pulled me from the pits of hell
and seen that I'd be well
But by that time she lost all hope
I didn't toss her down a rope

I guess that all the seeds you sow
you have to one day reap
When she took all those sleeping pills
she really meant to sleep
Colten Sorrells Apr 2016
breaking
promises
shattering
dreams
tears *hide
on my pillow
and silence my screams
I don't look to  create
only seek to destroy
and I play with emotions
as if they were toys
but hey, not to worry
I won't hurt no one else
cos I found
a suitable victim,

*myself
Colten Sorrells Jul 2016
Cold-hearted, discarded

unwanted, unloved

it doesn't matter what I do

it's never good enough



I'm left again without the one

I just can't live without

I wanted so much to believe

but still, I had my doubts



I cauterized the wound

but I can't seem to stop the pain

it's eating at my insides now

it's driving me insane



all my faith I put in you

I viewed you as my savior

there's nothing that I wouldn't do

to try and win your favor



although the distance seemed too vast

you felt like coming home

but it don't really matter now

forever I'm alone
Despite the state lines I really, truly thought that we could be together someday, but now it seems that day will never come. I seen a very bright future for the both of us, but now it seems there never really was an "us".

And no, I'm not going to go looking for anybody to replace you, because I don't really want anybody else. I want you, I ******* need you in my life.  

     But hey, if nothing else, you have opened my eyes to my true potential, and you have set me on the right path. And I will always be thankful for that. I just really wish that I could've somehow walked that path with you.

But at this point I'm sure that you hate me more than you ever have, which is really ****** up, because finally, I'm on the right track. I'm finally doing the right thing. I finally finished putting my past behind me, and I came out clean on the other side, STD-free and 6 weeks sober.


I just don't get it. Why now?
Colten Sorrells Jun 2016
I'm a singer
with a bad case of mic fright
I'm a writer
trying to see by the moonlight
I'm a speed metal guitarist
without a pick
I'm an expert drummer
with a broken stick

I guess what I
am trying to say
Is I haven't always
been this way
I can do it myself

but sometimes,
I might need some help

I have some trouble
getting through
but that missing piece,
I find


**is you
I could keep going, but
I think you get the idea
Colten Sorrells Apr 2016
I spent a lazy afternoon
  *just lazing in the sun

    no worries about anything
     not even anyone

          I even played a lazy song
            I played beneath the sun
              the melody flowed carelessly
               in front of everyone

               but now I'm waning
                    with the sun
                         so now, I think
                              my day
                                   *is done
Colten Sorrells Oct 2016
.

On a hot August day
I was struck with the blues
'cos I had nowhere to go
and not a thing to do

but  when it came the time for me
to check the mail again
I came across a package there
that really made me grin

it was a big and heavy box
with lots of books inside
and a little shiny thing
that almost made me cry

It's kinda like a dogtag
but has a different shape
but holding on to it can bring
a big smile to my face

It's just a little guitar pick
that's made of stainless steel
but I just can't explain the way
that it can make me feel

now when I'm feeling worthless
a burden none should bear
I have something to show me that
there was a time you cared

the words "I pick you" on the side
from when I had your favor
the taste is something bittersweet
that I can't help but savor
Colten Sorrells May 2016
I promised

I would be all yours

but I just can't help but share

and I know

that it isn't right

I know it isn't fair


I promised

that I wouldn't drink

promised

that I wouldn't smoke

and here I am

useless again

as I sit

and watch you choke


I know

I also

*promised you


that I would not be dumb

but the sad truth is that

I can't do life

unless I'm numb


I know I could have had it all

I ****** it all away

and now I know

she's too far gone

there's nothing left to say
Guess you were right
Colten Sorrells Nov 2016
..
..
..
..
..

I'm getting lost
in the hopes
they won't find me




X A
12:39
11/3/16
10W
Colten Sorrells May 2016
I didn't have much
but I gave you all my secrets
somehow, I just knew
I could trust you to keep them

it's been a year, or maybe more
since I put faith in you
and when you're here with me,
I feel,
there's nothing I can't do

but sometimes you're so far away
and I feel so alone
the only way I hear your voice
is coming through the phone

though each day tears me up inside
it's not the hell it seems
you're with me when I drift away
you're always in my dreams

and there lies my serenity
no worries to be found
no fears, no anxiety
with no one else around

the forests welcome visitors
instead of trying to hide
and no one's ever known betrayal
there's no such word as "lie"

and though we're not the only ones
it's only you and I
and we still have just what we need
to make it paradise

and no matter what happens here
we'll always be together
my only regret is that
I can't stay there forever

though each day tears my soul apart
it's not the hell it seems
there's you, and fields of lavender
there waiting in my dreams
For...well...I'm sure they'll know when they read this
Colten Sorrells Jul 2016
these wounds that fester, left behind
these demons that I keep inside
make my heart race, they leave me reeling
but it's okay, it's just my feelings

and all the things I left unsaid
I took my leave, left you for dead
I couldn't find a way of dealing
but that's okay, it's just your feelings

can't take it back, but for what it's worth
I'd do anything to fix the hurt
it will take time, but I think you're healing
i'm sorry that I hurt your feelings

there's nothing that I wouldn't do
right now to make it up to you
but when I try, you leave me reeling
but babe, it's fine, it's just my feelings

more therapy and more blood tests
i'm clean, but you're still not impressed
I'm not the past with which you're dealing
but you still wanna **** my feelings

don't takee wrong when I complain
you know I love you anyways
these scars you left me are still healing
but I'll be fine, it's just my feelings

I don't know if I'm still quite sane
but lately I enjoy the pain
I love this rush that leaves me reeling
so go ahead and **** my feelings

I got my doctor on the line
she said my blood work shows I'm fine
just gotta find a way of dealing
*'cos no one cares about my feelings
First drafted 7/8/16
Colten Sorrells Oct 2016
I found
it hard
it's hard
I found
no reason
found
no rhyme
I guess
I like
the way
it tastes
when you
throw it all
in my face
I'm not a monster
nor a man
I'm not sure what
to think I am
I'm not the same
as you, you see
there's nothing human
left of me
I hardly talk,
I hardly feel
sometimes I question
what is real
can't leave the house,
I have no friends
is this the way
my story ends?
I'm tired as hell
about to quit
I'm sure no one
would give a ****
what kind of ******* life is this?
I'm not alive, I just exist
Colten Sorrells Nov 2016
.
.
.

leaves fall silently
people come from all around
to see them decay
Colten Sorrells May 2016
my teeth are rotting from my skull
they're coming out today
it seems my body's breaking down
but I guess that's okay

I often sit and wonder if
I'll live to twenty-five
without someone to reassure me
everything is fine

the story of my life so far
is like a Country song
with nothing meaningful to say
and it takes way too long

she said she loved me for my heart
but I knew that was fleeting
because sometimes I just can't tell
if it's still even beating

my teeth are rotting from my skull
my Muse has left me, too
there's always
something breaking down
and nothing I can do

and at this point, I just don't care
if I should live or die
with nobody around
to tell me reassuring lies

I'm left without the only thing
that ever made me strong
so everything is ****** now
just like a Country song

she said she loved me for my heart
but it's no longer beating
but why am I still leaking out?
how could I still be bleeding?
And just like a Country song, this **** makes me feel pretty homicidal/suicidal
Colten Sorrells Nov 2016
I long for a place
I doubt even exists
now my heart has gone cold
and my soul is homesick



IV

*16:09
Colten Sorrells Nov 2016
dying alone,
being forgotten,
fire,
heights,
and the weather
are all pretty reasonable fears

but,

my biggest fear with you
is being happy,
because I know
that it will be life-changing
my world will revolve around you
and no matter what happens,
I'll know that you alone
will be enough to sustain me
and then one day
I'll wake to find
that you're gone
and I'll be completely lost
and I'm really not sure if I can make it through all that again. You're my everything
Colten Sorrells May 2016
you may think I didn't want you
and maybe you were right
there must be some other reason
that I'm up so late at night

I need you more than anything
more than you'll ever see
I still don't know what to do
without you here with me
...I just had a ****** up way of showing it
Colten Sorrells Apr 2016
I told her I loved her

she called me a liar

I set out to please her

she set me on fire

she's the reason I live

I'm the reason she dies

she's the reason I give

I'm the reason she cries

I'd **** for her

she'd **** me on sight

I just want to talk

she just wants to fight

the pain is exquite
I'm begging for more

but she don't even give me
that much anymore

to her, I'm a want

but to me, she's a need

but my love made her cry

*and her chains made me bleed
Colten Sorrells Oct 2016
.
.

my body is here
but my mind is elsewhere
constructing chaotic scenarios

my anxiety really gets ahold of me
and keeps me going anywhere
or doing much of anything

I welcome death, but
life scares me shitless
so I hide in my house

but

when I take her into my lungs
none of that **** really matters
and my mind is free to wander

everyday tasks become an adventure
as some of that childlike sense of wonder
makes things **** less
Side effects :

happy
hungry
sleepy

may lead to junkfood
Colten Sorrells May 2016
hoping
   that another
cup of coffee
will bring
something out
Colten Sorrells Nov 2016
I hate to see the sun rise anymore
because when it does, so does my Dad
I barely have time to get a cup of coffee

and then i'm on the move
all **** day, or otherwise on call
for whatever crazy **** pops in his head

and nothing I do is ever good enough

doesn't make a **** what I do
just because I don't do it the way he would
it's always wrong somehow

but by midnight he's in bed
and I can finally focus on something
without my brain getting all scrambled

I am at peace

my phone stops buzzing, too
I don't have to worry
about phone calls and visitors

I can charge my batteries

I can just be "me"
and after a day like today
it couldn't come too soon

20

VII D

11/2/16
22:20
Colten Sorrells Oct 2016
.
.
.

there's strong conviction in the notes that pour out her passions to me but I rarely get to hear them

she has a pure, angelic glow
that begs to be defiled
but I can't touch her

her lips are supple
delicate like innocence
but I can't feel them

she's like a myth
that I have to believe in
she makes me strong

when I see her
I see everything i'm missing
but I can't make her real
After over a year it still gets to me
Colten Sorrells Jul 2016
I'm unsure of myself
I'm...
in need of some help
I can't
stand to be late
and I can't gain any weight


I have some really bad teeth
and I talk in my sleep
and
I'm still quite disturbed
but I'm pretty good with words

I've been
over 6 weeks clean
but I'm not sure what it means
am I a monster or a man?
I don't know who the **** I am

I'd rather struggle than to ask
how to complete a simple task
so I don't quite do what I could
and don't learn lessons like I should

my friends say I'm a literal fire
my clan says I'm a pro dragon flyer
it's safe to say that I'm the man
when it comes down to Clash Of Clans

I know my way around six strings
I'll even kinda-sorta sing
and I can analyze for days
but I don't understand my ways
Colten Sorrells May 2016
somehow
I was drawn to her
or was she drawn to me?
a spark ignited
and we made some
intense poetry

wrote some that would
blot out the moon
some took away the sun

some were deathly serious
and others
just for fun

The form was fine,
the rhymes were good

and everything was nice
but one day
tuat mighty flame
just flickered and it died

and things got ugly,
awkward,
and more than a little dark
and everything just
went to ****
without that glorious spark

and pretty soon,
you had to go
you left me with no choice
but sit and try to find the words
now that you took my voice

I told her that I'd be
all hers
but,
I guess she had enough
and something that was
beautiful
*was quickly turned
to *****
Colten Sorrells Nov 2016
.
.


that time of year
when everything rots
in festive colors
10W
Colten Sorrells Oct 2016
.
.



I'm falling

d
o
w
n

I'm
      s
         i
            n
                k
                    i
         ­              n
                           g

now,

I'm
                                   d r i f t i n g

out and I'm left with feeling nothing

                                                        ­    ****** it
Colten Sorrells Nov 2016
This pain doesn't stop me
the tears I stopped shedding
now I could live well
if I'd just stop forgetting



II

*15:34
Colten Sorrells Apr 2016
wherever I'm headed
it's not where I've been
I promised I'd never
go back there again

but I don't really think this
was part of her plan
I changed myself so much that
I don't know who I am

I hate
what I've become
too much
to feel
has left me
*numb
Colten Sorrells May 2016
was
feeling

D
O
W
N

but,
now
I don't
f
  e
     e
         l

anything,  really
Colten Sorrells Jun 2016
I think I may
just need some help
I love you more
than life, itself

there's nothing that
I wouldn't do
to make sure I
wake up to you

I put my future
in your hands
let you take care
of all my plans

I just hope "we"
don't take too long
but then, you've never
steered me wrong
This distance is rough, but do not worry, I will wait until this distance is no longer between us. Hearing your voice is more than enough to keep me going
Colten Sorrells Oct 2016
.
.
.

my existence was so chaotic
that I couldn't get enough sustenance
but you'd sustained me

and slowly but surely
I'd get strong enough
that I didn't need you anymore

so I'd toss you aside
until I got weak enough
that I wouldn't have made it without you

then I would come crawling back
to feed on your positivity
and fill your head with sweet nothings

that was then, but now
I can't live without you
I've grown attached

but not in such a loving way
I need you the way
a parasite needs a host

and I just can't
accept the fact
that i'm killing you

but I just can't let you go
and it's too late to walk away
because I'm under your skin
Colten Sorrells Oct 2016
.
.
.



**I tried
to take the pill
but
it stuck
in the back
of my throat
and it tastes like
the lips
of a lover
I thoughtlessly
kissed
right after
they went to work
tasting every inch
of my love,

unfortunately
Colten Sorrells Nov 2016
I was going through my clothes
and I suddenly realized
just how much an object
can invoke memories
when I came across my  plaid shirt
with white buttons
that I wore the first time
I went to my therapist  
then later I got my love swallowed up
by a complete stranger
at the state park
that I met on Facebook
on your time
oddly enough, the thing
I remember most vividly
was the scenery
and the warm breeze
on the riverbank
before that it was
my favorite shirt



VII B

11/2/16 22:06
It was a strange day
Colten Sorrells Apr 2016
a third-pound of ground beef
and a pile of diced ramp bulbs
I laced it with steak seasoning
rolled in about a handful

ain't got no time for fancy buns
so I thought that instead
of dressing up a masterpiece
I'd put it on some bread

**...and it was good
Colten Sorrells Nov 2016
.
.
.

I walk into a Sheetz and I notice
there are a lot of people
giving me some strange looks

what could they be looking at?
I wonder, my fly is zipped and everything
is there something on my face?

so I go into the bathroom
and look into the full-length mirror
they have for some reason

and I don't recognize the person
staring back at me
he's uglier than anyone I know

I leave out of there and headed home
in shock, basically
because I know that stranger was me

I have a ****** up eye,
a crooked smile
and acne, for some reason

my eyebrows look like
two of those furry-***
brown caterpillars

my skin is kinda blotchy
and I've got stretchmarks
where I used to have ****

seriously...full-blown man-****

I think I even
seen a few gray hairs
and I found a mole

on my best day,
with a haircut and a trim
I'm still a ******* mess




*VII A
Colten Sorrells Oct 2016
.
.

I've done this
"love" thing way more times
than I care to admit

and it always fell apart
at some point or another
and another would come along


so

despite what we may like to think,
we are all replaceable
to some extent

but

you know,
It's kinda funny
I never felt so replaceable
until I met you


but
there's no way
I would even try
to replace
*you
Don't mind me, I'm just writing some **** for someone who will probably never read it.
Colten Sorrells Nov 2016
.
.
.

*how many **** times
have I been where I'm standing
just to turn around?
I have vowed to get my life together more times than I can count, but I'm still pretty much right where I started
Colten Sorrells May 2016
-

bud and coffee

2 am

this hopeless feeling

sinking in

--

my mind is racing

going nowhere

a sense of dread is hanging

in the stale and sticky air

---

I feel a chill

I can't explain

as my head starts to ring

I feel a set of eyes on me

and I can hear her screams

----

and there's nobody else here

but

I'm still not by myself

because I can still hear her voice

still crying out for help

-----

I see her tears

I hear her cries

I feel all of the hate

I feel the disappointment from

* when I came back too late

------

I feel her eyes upon me

as they burn into my soul

I feel the pain I caused her*

as it's darkening my soul

-------

see shadows racing

through my house

or are they in my head??

I wonder if I've made

some sort of contact with the dead

--------

should be in bed

3 hours ago

I know this much for certain

or should I smoke another bowl

*and watch the blinds and curtains?
Colten Sorrells Oct 2016
.

.

.


have you ever built a castle
high and mighty, out of sand
to slip and when you stumble
have it crumble in your hands?

the memory of what should be
will haunt you every day
without the hope you once had
you can never be the same

the worst part is you know that
there is nothing you can do
and nothing else to blame
the only variable was you
I really ****** up
Colten Sorrells Nov 2016
I don't care how messed up this sounds
I'm sure you'd tease and taunt me
but right now I'd give anything
to hear you say you'll haunt me



V

*11:56
At least that way you'd always be with me.

I call your name, but you won't hear me. I don't know how I can go on like this. I just want to talk to you
Colten Sorrells Apr 2016
as talons tear apart the skin
I find myself aroused again

the sting I feel is quite sublime
no solid reason why I find

I wonder

have I always been this way ?
or am I simply going insane ?
Colten Sorrells Nov 2016
.
.
.

I moisturize the dirt
and start the seed
on it's journey to greatness

then when it's ready
I will transplant it
into a bigger ***

months go by
until days get shorter
and the ground starts to frost

just before that, I take it up by the roots
and hang it to dry
for 7-8 days

then I put some of it in my pipe
strike a flame to it
and burn it to ash
And savor the taste
Colten Sorrells Nov 2016
.
.

*I'm tired of doing for people
that don't appreciate ****


I'm gonna do for me
if that's okay with you
Colten Sorrells May 2016
it
all
     r
        o
      l
        l
          s

d
     o
       w
          n
              -
                 h
                   i
                     l
                       l


               and I'm at the bottom
10-W
Colten Sorrells Apr 2016
everything* we shared
has long since
been
destroyed

except for her
hatred of me

so
atleast that's
**something
Colten Sorrells Apr 2016
these waves they ripple outward
from the hollow, open space
voice stricken with emotion
as the tears  creep down my face

man and machine in harmony
as I recite the lines
vibrations seem to dissipate
the flow of space and time

though it's not the same as usual
it's meaning isn't less
the tickle trickling down my cheek
was caused by **happiness
Colten Sorrells Nov 2016
.
.
.



when the piper calls
and I feel like I'm floating
It's like coming home
Colten Sorrells May 2016
Smoked out,
I'm choked out
I'm feeling kinda dumb
my eyes look like they're gonna bleed
my face feels kinda numb

I hope nobody spoils
all this happiness I've found
it might just **** up everything
to have someone around

listening to the radio
just tryin' to let my mind flow
I feel this sense of dread
And I'm paralyzed
'til I realize
it's all just in my head

day-dreams
in color
as hours fly on past
the only thing I don't like
is that it don't really last

but that's okay, I figured out
exactly what to do
I'll just pack another bowl
about every hour or two
Colten Sorrells Nov 2016
this battle has been won and I
appear to be just fine
but that's because you wouldn't care
to read between the lines



VIII

*20:55
People always notice my glow, but in that light there is darkness
Colten Sorrells Nov 2016
.
.

I can usually keep things peaceful

and I don't get in a hurry about things

but

every time I hear your voice

my heart flutters

my palms get sweaty

and the words that I am trying to say

end up getting stuck

I thought that I would get over it,

eventually, but

if anything it's been getting worse

with my level of attachment

the more you mean to me,

the less I can really say

without tripping over my sentences

or otherwise sounding like a fool
I'm sure it sounds silly after everything we've been through,  but for some reason I'm still worried that I might somehow repulse you
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