Am I selling my soul to the corporate world
in a vain pursuit of future financial stability?
Should I have bought my future with what little I had
and spent it growing my skills in music and writing
so that I could know they were not wasted?
Should I give up on this new work-from-home desk job
where I'm paid commission and weekly bonuses
and won't see the residual income from renewals for thirteen months?
Can't I have something stable that doesn't bore me to death,
and something exciting that doesn't turn my anxiety to an 11?
I've never had a balance--every job has been one or the other.
And yet, as I yearn for a career in music, I recall my past
where I majored in songwriting and couldn't handle college
and I sigh and realize that jumping to a music job wouldn't "fix" me.
No matter what I'm doing, I will need to have perseverance,
and patience, yes, but also motivation and drive to improve myself.
These struggles that I face now at this job are the same ones
that I've always struggled with--they're part of me still.
And I've always blamed the job for not being a good fit--
and some of them weren't, true--but that wasn't the root of it.

A job that is worth doing
will take effort and drive
and no worthy income
comes by barely getting by
and doing the bare minimum
in order to escape a scolding.
I need to change my mindset
in order to grow above this--
this swamp of complacency,
this mire of despondent weakness,
this misty swath of ambiguous feelings
that have dictated my actions
for far too long. No.
I'll sit and get to work
knowing that I am securing a future
for myself, my husband, and family
and that one day, I will have time
to create art in any way I want
but right now, I have a lesson to learn
about working hard
and rising to the challenge.
Don't let me forget.
I can't look back now.
Up I go, to new heights
where the fearful me
thought the risks were too great.
Up I go, to climb my mountain
and win this battle, and the next,
until I'm out of the doldrums
and onto the path that advances before me.

Here goes.

When you're feeling so cold and dull
And when you look in the mirror
  and it's not what you wanted to see
Just sit down and sip some coffee
And put on your favorite socks
Just remember you're you, you're loved,
  and everyone wants you to succeed
So as long as you try, then you'll be alright.
Yeah the results don't matter,
  And there isn't a score to life.
So just try
  and you'll be fine.

The day begins before it should,
and every minute is squandered,
before I jump into the car,
spilling hot coffee in my haste.

Then the rushing wind blows past me,
running through my hair in the dark;
headlights keep up with the sharp turns,
and the thumping stereo lifts me.

Parking, on time, walking briskly
to ensure the grandest entrance
to give a formal impression.
My echoed greeting meets my ears.

Hello, goodbye, I take over,
holding my vigilant station
as I toast bagels with butter
and wait for them to call me up.

"Ashley!" comes the petulant cry
and I manage to answer her.
"Coming!" And I take a slow sip
before heading up creaky stairs.

They want me to pick out their clothes.
They want me to help them get dressed.
I say, "You can do that yourself,
I'm here to do hard things, like cook."

Teasing, admonishing, waiting
for children to do what I asked;
I take one more sip of coffee
and the cup is gone far too soon.

Soon, they are eating their breakfast,
and I'm prepping backpacks and coats.
Something spills, and I clean it up;
then she says she forgot her shoes.

I tell her sister to get them,
but she won't go up there alone.
So we three climb the creaky stairs,
and come back with their socks and shoes.

We run out the door, lock the garage,
and jump in my car for a ride.
"Seatbelts?" I ask before leaving,
and they both ask me for tic-tacs.

A minute away, and I park.
They jump out and both wave goodbye.
I smile and wait for the school bus.
I drive to my next job, next door.

Did you ever wonder about it?
Have my actions caused thoughts
That you put aside as unlikely?

Would you ever assume
That because of my kind nature
My depressing outbursts are random?

In the dead of the night,
Have you ever worried for me,
And thought, "Is she alright?"

Or do you take me for granted,
Assuming that I am who I seem to be,
While I am different on the inside?

Do you choose not to bother yourself
Because my problems are hard to see
And do not present an immediate threat?

But what if I took my life? "I won't," but,
Would you regret never asking me things
And wonder if you could have helped?

I do not doubt that you love me,
For your genuine care is shown every day
But I bury my problems too deep to see.

I'm sorry I make it so hard to help me.

I thought I could put you in a box
I was wrong
I thought I could work you out like math
I was wrong

I thought this was what you'd say
You said something else
I thought you were one way
You were another

But it was the same about me

I tried to put myself in a box
I tried to work myself out like math
But I'm more than that,
And I can't figure it out

I thought I was supposed to say this
But I should have said something else
I thought I was one way
But I was another

I tell myself that I don't know you
But I don't know me

And that is much worse.

honestly, just a good beat
and a breath of air
can sometimes mean the world
to a suffocating soul.

It's been a little while since I decided
since I started telling everyone who asked
since I posted it in every corner
since I declared my major.

But what if I don't want to be a teacher?
What if I go off to college,
and I suddenly have the courage to do
what I didn't want to do before?

I'm afraid that it won't work
afraid I can't make it work
afraid to let go and fall
because what if it falls through?

All I want to do is music,
and yes,
I'm minoring in music
and honestly
I could be a teacher
but I'm rethinking that.

I know I don't have to go with the career
that matches my major,
and that I could finish out a teacher's license
and then go on to music.

But I could be so much more prepared!
There's so much more I could do
if I majored in Songwriting, Music Performance, or Worship Ministries.
What should I do?

What can I do?
I can take generic classes now,
ones that can count for any major,
and choose later.

But how long can I wait?
I'll just have to be patient
and wait for His guidance
because He knows what I should do.

We are never blessed without reason.
It's not because of anything that you have done,
or anything you deserve.
You're given a blessing to share with others.
That's why you're here.

(And Reasons Why I Have It Pretty Good)*


2. Starving people in Africa who have nothing that even resembles a stable govermnent to keep them safe and fed and alive. 

3. Couples going through divorce or recovering from divorce, and their poor children. =\

4. Drug addicts living on the streets without a family or a hope. 

5. Women and children caught up in human trafficking and slavery who have no one to save them. 

6. Would-be-mothers who cannot have children. This is heartbreaking for many women. 

7. Children abused by their own parents who then have to go through foster care and withstand the constant reminder that they do not have parents that love and care for them. 

8. People who have no hope and who believe a bottle of pills is the only way to take away their pain. Life is never a curse, and it is not one's responsibility to take when it becomes unbearable. 

9. Fathers who can't find a job in our economy and who feel like a failure because they can't support their family's needs. 

10. People who sit in a church and believe they are being good enough to go to heaven, when they've never heard the true gospel spoken to them before. 




1. And most importantly...the great number of individuals who have not heard and those who have rejected the Good News of Jesus Christ. It's nothing that I have done that makes me any different than them, but only the grace of God that I took hold of. I won't stand by while my fellow man lives on less than I do every day. I am blessed with food, a better government than many in this world, and parents who love each other and the Lord. I have a life of hope that sustains me better than drugs, a life worth living, and the financial support that only God could supply. And I have a church that preaches the gospel each Sunday and reminds me of how much I need Him. 

Lord, never let me forget Your many blessings. Self-pity, worry, and depression keep me from my true potential as Your daughter and servant. Show me how to share my blessings with others, so that I can spread Your Word to everyone I meet.
Amen.