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412 · Aug 2023
The Last Few Days
Alexis K Aug 2023
I won't lie, they've been hard.
Harder than the last few before.
Every night my room is empty save myself.
Every night my bed is cold on one side.
And every night I lay is just the beginning of your day.
Ps. This is my 100th posted poem.
409 · Nov 2023
Waves
Alexis K Nov 2023
Crashing against the rocks.
                Washing away the sand.
                             Weathering it to glass.

Depression is like waves.
                  And I am already glass.
I am tired today.
400 · Dec 2021
Adieu
Alexis K Dec 2021
Hello, nice to meet someone I'll never meet again.
Oh HI, hello, nice to see you, so good to meet you.
Yet I'm more excited to say goodbye.

Adieu to you.
397 · Apr 2019
Numb
Alexis K Apr 2019
Nothing is painful.
Nothing is pleasurable.
Nothing is anything.

It is dull.
Quiet.
Gray.
There is no black and white, because is doesnt matter.
It's all the same.

There is no color, not even sepia toned.
There is nothingness.
Blackness.
No feeling.
Nothing at all.
397 · Nov 2021
Game of Life
Alexis K Nov 2021
I used to believe that my life,
would be like a choose your own adventure book.
Where I would make a decision on page one,
and multiple throughout my chapters.

I have found that life is less of this chapter book,
and more like the board game life.
You draw a card every round but it's always predetermined.
You do not make choices on every page but five or six the entire game.
Job or school?
Risky or safe?
Family or continue?
But those cards you draw you are stuck with.
The bad ones and the good.

In hindsight, you do get something from what you cannot control.
100k life bucks, but is it enough?
Not when you're no longer playing on the board,
but living your own life.
You do not get the reward at the end to see who won.
But life lessons instead.

As much as I wish life was a choose your own adventure,
it seems more like a game played as a child.
If my life was like one of those books though,
I hope at the end of my book,
the choices I made lead to the best possible me.
Since there are no life bucks and no winners in this game.
I hope my life is worth it in the end.
397 · Oct 2021
It Comes In Threes
Alexis K Oct 2021
One:
March
A son, a brother.
Ended his story early.
Two:
July
A daughter, a mother.
Fought a battle she couldn't win.
Three.
October
A sister to #2, a daughter.
Causes unknown.

They say it comes in threes,
So lord please let us be.
393 · Sep 2017
Eyes
Alexis K Sep 2017
With the sky so blue
Those beautiful orbs
Your eyes, blue too.

For they shine like the sea
But not green and misty
Like the beaches of white sand
With the water crystal clear.

The shells under the water
Gleam and glow
They bring sparks of color
Like your eyes when the sun is low

There's so much they hold
Most I couldn't bare
But I wonder how they're so strikingly bold.

Your eyes are blue
They shine like crystal water
And see shells gleaming.
But beneath those eyes
There is a person
Behind your pearly white smile
There is a soul.

For features can be beautiful
But nothing can outdo
A beautiful soul.
385 · Mar 2021
Stupid
Alexis K Mar 2021
This is stupid.
Just breathe.

This is stupid.
Just smile.

This is stupid.
But I cannot fight it off.
This feeling of hatred and disgust.

This is stupid.
But I avoid mirrors.
Because the red marks are too much to handle.
I can't look at my body the way you do.
Do you embrace me because of my "beauty" or is it your pity?

This is stupid.
But I cannot stop myself from crying.

This is stupid.
Becuase I know we are all worthy of love and respect.
I know we all deserve clothes that fit our own body.
I know that fat and beautiful do not exist separately.
But I cannot shake the feeling that I am the exception.
So ******* Stupid
We have to try and love ourselves at all points in our lives. Even when that's hard.
381 · May 2021
I Could
Alexis K May 2021
I could write a rhyme,
Because that wont take much time.
Or I could write a song,
This way you could sing along.
379 · Oct 2023
Love Me
Alexis K Oct 2023
I wish I believed.
That it was easy to love me.

Because it's easy to love you.
Hurt and all.
But it seems like so much more work to love me.

I'm sorry I'm not easier to love.
379 · Mar 2019
Enough
Alexis K Mar 2019
I try to write
poems, stories, and songs
All I want to do is express myself
Yet none are strong

Nothing is good enough
It doesn't express my feelings
It's way too tough

But
I suppose that means
It perfectly represents me
Simply, not good enough
371 · Sep 2017
1849
Alexis K Sep 2017
In the darkest corner there
Hiding far and near
He hides from
And hide from me
Seeking his one and only Anabell Lee

For a love that's not known
Is secretly shown
He searches, he sees,
His beloved dear Anabell Lee.

He might be young
But youth means nothing to him
For tied is not is tongue
When says 'I love you' to Anabell Lee

The last words he speaks
The Last time he sees
His beloved Anabell Lee
For the time :
One.
Eight.
Four.
Nine.
Based off of Edgar Allen Poe's 'Anabell Lee'
364 · Jan 2018
A true reflection
Alexis K Jan 2018
Perfect
Amazing
Intelligence
Nice
Flowering beauty
Unique
Love


Contemplating self worth
Opposite of perfect
Not good enough
Feeling little
Inferior
Deep
Ending up alone
Nearly beautiful
Crying on the inside
Extra ordinary
361 · Jun 2024
Love Me
Alexis K Jun 2024
I wish it was easier to love me.
But is it so hard to give what I give?
359 · Apr 2019
A Sea Of Demons
Alexis K Apr 2019
It burns.
It's so cold.
The ice surrounds me.
My arms and legs are swallowed whole.
It feels like fire licking me, perspiration dispersing soaking me.
My lungs are no longer working, spasing in pain.
I need to inhale, but I can't.

I need to.
But I know I cant't.
My ribs are being crushed.
My life is being ****** away from me.
The excruciating pain that is this.
The overwhelming sensation.
I know I am dying.
Slowly, Painfully.

I need to breath.
I inhale deeply, searching for the air.
I am met with ice, more and more icy crystals.
I'm kicking and getting no where, I am trying so hard.
I can hear them calling my name, 'just a little more'
I cant go anymore. Their words are not enough
I can not make it out of this, I cant fight.
I cant fight my demons, impossible
They are drowning me.
I can't get out.
Goodbye.
I tried.
359 · Nov 2023
Return To Sender
Alexis K Nov 2023
This longing that is constant is not what I expected.
The weight of existing is a shotgun pointed at my temple.
Sometimes breathing and eating require too much.
The anxiety and detrimental stress consume me.

Return To Sender.
Please...
358 · Sep 2021
Lost
Alexis K Sep 2021
Who am I?
I am the girl who lined her ducks in a row.
I am the girl who laminated her high school graduation plan.
I am the girl who hung the requirements above her bed.
I am the girl who cried the first time she got a C on a test.
I am the girl who has tried so hard her entire life.
I am the girl that everyone used for notes.
I am the girl that kept the class afloat.
I am the girl who always knew what she wanted.
I am the girl who had it all figured out.
I am the girl with a plan.
I am the girl who attended three schools at once.
I am the girl who graduated with honors in a technical school.
I am the girl most likely to be successful.

Who am I?
I am the girl who decided to go to college during the pandemic.
I am the girl who thought I would regret waiting.
I am the girl who thought I would graduate in four years.
I am now the girl debating dropping out.
I am the girl who has given up.
I am the girl who is tired beyond belief.
I am the girl being rejected.
I am the girl who is failing.
Failing to stay afloat myself.
Failing to meet the requirements.
I am the girl who is doing well but not enough.
I am the girl who has forgotten.
Forgotten how to live, laugh, and enjoy life.
I am the girl who is stressed.
I am the girl that adults tell to relax.
I am the girl who has lost herself.
I am the girl with no identity.

I am the girl with no identity.
Because my entire life was future-based.
Because I was the most likely to succeed.
Because I did everything in my power to be the best.
Because I still was not doing enough.
I am the girl who was supposed to be an inspiration.
I am the girl who was considered lucky because I always had a plan.
Now I am the girl who is lost.
355 · Jun 2023
Thank You
Alexis K Jun 2023
I would never make it
In the world today
If we didn't find each other.
341 · Oct 2023
"Life's Not Fair!"
Alexis K Oct 2023
They said.
But they didn't have to fight themselves to get out of bed.
They didn't have to consciously chew and swallow their food.
They didn't spend the night awake wishing God to put them to sleep.

Life has never been fair.
They said.
I believed that this is what you meant.
And then found out that my mind was not like the rest.
That I would have to physically fight my body to get help.
I would fight my brain for the rest of my life.

"Life's not fair, get over it."
They'll say.
And then they'll have no problem waking up the next day.
340 · Aug 2019
Rhyme
Alexis K Aug 2019
I could write

A simple rhyme
Simply to take up time.

Or

A quiet novel
Whispering about a lover who grovels.  

Or

A bold song
To share what’s been on my mind so long.

But

This is just a simple rhyme.
Simply because I have the time.
340 · Mar 2021
Untitled
Alexis K Mar 2021
I wish you could see you the way I see you.
The way I see your eyes light up with excitement.
The way you smile naturally.
The warmth that radiates from your love.
I wish you could see you the way I see you.
Because then you could see the many reasons why.
Why I love you.
333 · Jan 2024
Careless
Alexis K Jan 2024
I don't care anymore.  

I don't care if my body were to eat itself from the inside out.
It would hurt and be terrible for a while.
But I can't imagine it'd hurt worse than living my life like this.
328 · Jan 2024
"Why are you so tired?"
Alexis K Jan 2024
Because there's
Fire along my skin.
Ice shards in my lungs.
War in my head.
I've anvils for feet.
Air feels like water.
I'm drowning, unable to move.
Paralyzed in life.
"Guess I didn't sleep well again."
326 · Jan 2019
The World
Alexis K Jan 2019
Sometimes I wonder
If this world is just a blunder
If one day
We'll all be escorted away

Sometimes I hope
That's there's somewhere better
We will all stay
Till the world's been cleansed with soap

Sometimes I desire
For this world to die.
So that we can rebuild
Without all the smoke and fire

It's not just the people
But the buildings they make
That break our beautiful world down
Until it's all fake.
317 · Sep 2017
I Am
Alexis K Sep 2017
I am America's Pride.
I am freedom
I am glory
I see a diverse culture of free citizens
I seek peace
I am America's pride.

I am beauty
I am motivation
I though the world's heart.
I worry about war
I cry for wounded and fallen soldiers
I am America's pride.

I believe on eqaulity
I say "justice for all"
I have people yearning to be with me
I hope for the best
I dream for a world united
I am America's pride.

I am glory.
I am freedom.
I am beauty.
I am united.
I am just
I am America's pride.
I am the symbol of America.
I'm the American flag, flying high.
316 · Aug 2021
Not Good Enough
Alexis K Aug 2021
I am working so hard.
I know I'm doing enough.
Everyone's impressed that I'm doing well.
There's no way I won't make it.

A 6.5 will get me in.
I have a 6.71.
Trying so hard, and doing so much.
Oh look, I didn't make the cut.

Denied.
Rejected.
Failed.
I guess I am not good enough.

After so much work I want to give up.
My heart, my soul, my life, and even mental health were sacrificed.
Just so I can be told it wasn't enough.
Can I just give up if I am not enough?
If I do my best, and I make the deadlines and meet requirements,
Why in the world are you telling me:
"Not Good Enough."?
315 · Jul 2024
I Hate Love
Alexis K Jul 2024
Because it is so easy for me,
To give it in baskets handwoven.
In mason jars filled to the brim.
It is so easy to be in love with you.
It is so easy to love you.
Yet so hard to feel loved by you.

Love holds me in this noose,
One that I can't undo.
I hate love.
I love loving you.
I wish I felt you loved me like you say you do.
315 · Feb 2022
A Moment Of Silence
Alexis K Feb 2022
Followed by prayers
Men and women fighting for their lives.
Literally.
311 · Aug 2019
Depression
Alexis K Aug 2019
Depression.
One word that row off the tongue so easily can destroy one's soul.
people who haven't gone through it don't know it's affects.
People who have cut and burned and scratched and harmed themselves are yelled at.
Yet the peoe who tell them Not to, a good chunk of them haven't gone through and don't know that it's not something you can control.
Once you're in your deepest state of depression,  it's easy to go insane and hard not to harm yourself.
When you think that you've finally recovered from depression you're wrong.
At least for some people.
For me.
You get to the point where you think you know what happiness in and the  you realize. Nobody is smiling at you. They're all smiling at your "friend" who always walks away with people they know whithout asking if you wanna go.
No one ever asks if YOU wanna go hang out. Nope. They only ask if they don't wan a go alone or need something from you.
And after a x"happy"x day you go home. Sleep it off. Wake up. And then it hits you again.
Depression
So you're crying and you don't even know why.
But once you stop crying, you have a moment to realize why you we're crying.
Because one person in this world cant do anything but be there.
In the nidist of the crowd, they're just there.
Like a little piece of dust. They have no reason to be there.
They just ARE.
And yet people say that life is a blessing and to live it while you can.
...But...
We are born to live and we all live to die. So what's the point of living life if it just contradicts.
I talk a lot of happiness and inspirational **** but that doesn't mean that's who I am inside.
Inside this dark body.
There is no soul anymore.
For I am too grown to live carefree.
To live happy.
To live the fullest.
To live at all.
Depression
Depression always come back to attack.
53 and counting.
Scars that show my feeling locked behind the bars.
53 of my visible war scars.
People have encouraged me.
People have yelled.
Cried.
And yet the small silver piece of metal still lays in my drawer.
The small silver sliver of hope.
People don't understand what it's like to be me.
For I am not like others.
I asked.
'How do you feel afterwards?'
They all said;
Depressed
Sad
Guilty
angry
Regretful.
And then they asked me.
'How do you?'
And of course. My answer.
'Proud
Happy
In control
Confused '
I laugh the whole time.
I cry because it doesn't hurt and I know that it should hurt.
I cry because all the emotions flow out into the small silver metallic blade.
And it flies angrily over my wrist and arm.
Vertically
Horizontally
Diagonally.
Squares
Letters
Words
Numbers
Insults
And yet I'm still in the stage of depression.
Depression
Depression
Depression
309 · Jul 2020
To be a Woman
Alexis K Jul 2020
What is it like to be woman?

We hold power.
But we also hold fear.

Power of distraction.  
Fear of rejection.

A man may never understand
That on the way to a predominantly male scene,
We plan our argument.
In case we are disregarded because our *******.
In case they look at our little brother to answer questions
About our own cars.

A man will never understand what it is like.
To be told to wait til you’re married.
“Your husband might want kids.”

A man will never understand what it is like.
The fear ripping through our veins as we walk alone.
Especially at night, our keys between our fingers ready to strike.  
He will never understand what it is like.

To be a woman.
To be female.

And a woman will never understand what is it like.
To be a man.
To be male.
302 · Sep 2017
Brown Eyes
Alexis K Sep 2017
Chocolate brown
Something that always brings a smile
Your eyes similar, unable to make someone frown.

For bedroom eyes they say
They're so deep and so brown.
I could stare into your eyes
And still be lost upon them.

For dark brown eyes
So deep, so powerful
They conjure up
The true meaning in your soul.

Baby girl with those big brown eyes,
You'll lead someone to happiness
If not yourself into the depths of your rise

For the little boy born with bedroom eyes
You'll lead a girl to bed with you
If only to talk all night

For the blue sought after
Brown just the same.
Little children with brown eyes, forever play the game.
297 · Dec 2021
If They Died
Alexis K Dec 2021
If they died what would you do?
I cry when they leave and sometimes when they're right next to me.
So maybe if they died I wouldn't have tears to cry.
No that's not right.
I'd cry all day and all night until I was dry.
Until my face was tight and my eyes and throat sore.
I'd spend a lot of time in bed.
If they died.

If they died? I'd die too.
Only my death won't require my heart to stop beating,
Or my lungs to stop breathing.
Only my death will allow me to still feel the pain of desire.
The need of contact that can no longer be satisfied.
I'll still see them everywhere that the space is empty.
But I'll never get to embrace them again.
Never to kiss, or hug, or play with their hair.
You see if they died...
I'd be nothing but a shell.
Because the rest of me would be buried with them.
292 · Oct 2023
Alive
Alexis K Oct 2023
I am so exhausted by this feeling.
So tired of being tired.
So tired of feeling helpless.
There's nothing I can do to make it go away.
Nothing to make it pass faster, or to change my mind.

So I sit in this feeling.
With no other option than to let it suffocate me.
I hope I'll come out alive.
291 · Dec 2023
I know
Alexis K Dec 2023
That's it is hard.
To see me like this.
Have you reminded yourself recently.
That I don't want to be like this?
281 · Oct 2023
Sick
Alexis K Oct 2023
Have you ever wanted to *****,
Just so the discomfort wasn't entirely in your head?
Would it feel more real then?
281 · Sep 2021
Peaceful
Alexis K Sep 2021
When you're gone...
It's lonely, I'm very lonely but it's peaceful.
I would take peaceful over not feeling lonely Every. Single. Day.
274 · Oct 2017
Too Young
Alexis K Oct 2017
Too young to understand
Daddy's not coming home
Yet too old
Not to care

Little girl
Looking at her mom
Wondering, wondering,
What was going on?
Why was mommy sad?
Had me and brother been bad?

Too young to remember
When daddy was there,
Too old to forget
That he was ever here.

Little kids,
Innocent and pure
Looking up at mommy,
Holding daddy's picture dear

Little girl
Too young to remember...
Daddy's eyes,
His voice,
His smile or size,
Too young to remember.
Too young to say goodbye.
And now,
Too old, only able to fantasize.
My father died when I was two from cancer. My older half brother remembers little things, simple things about him that seem meaningless yet would mean the world to me if I personally could remember them. I've only had pictures and others to fill the gaps.
This is one of my poems for him, my very first on this site was for him as well.
274 · Sep 2017
Nothing Will Change
Alexis K Sep 2017
You may not see me
For my mask of sorrow hides me
You can see me smiling
But that's merely what I want you to see.
I'm not blind to your pity

Yes, yes.
You say I'm brave and oh so strong
"Everything will get better"
Please be quiet
For my ears are sore,
And this conversation is much too long

I don't want your pity
I don't want your sorries
Yea I'm hurting
No I'm not okay.

Yes I'll survive
Yes it'll be alright.
But I don't want your casserole
I don't want your muffins

I don't want your attention
Now that I've lost someone so dear
I don't need your homemade cookies
And don't want to sit and talk
And No, I don't want a beer

Yes I'm hurting.
No I'm not okay.
But I don't want your help.
Nothing will change anyway.
274 · Mar 2024
Prisoner
Alexis K Mar 2024
In my own body.

Unable to life the weight.
Pulling me into the cement.
Unable to hear the world around me.
My heartbeat too loud.

Prisoner.

In my own mind.

Locked behind bars,
And Unable to need.
Numb, or screaming trying to get out.
Both locked inside the walls.
Nobody but myself to hear.

Prisoner.
272 · Sep 2019
Why so old?
Alexis K Sep 2019
When did I get so old?
Too old to kiss my mom on the lips??
Too old to tell my sister I love her???
Too old to even hug her????
When did I get so old?????
So old my back kills me??????
So old my knees buckle???????
So old I’m losing my thoughts,
As if my cards are constantly being shuffled.
Why did I have to grow?
270 · Dec 2023
Partner
Alexis K Dec 2023
I am the partner.
The partner that reminds you,
You're doing a good job.
Especially when all you can do is get out of bed.

The partner that drives to get your safe food,
After a long day of work so that you eat.
The partner that checks in regularly.
The partner that will always take care of you.

I am the partner.
The partner that slowly falls apart.
Because I will only always take care of you.
270 · Dec 2021
Dropping Out
Alexis K Dec 2021
it is not 'failing' you see,
but instead more like taste testing...

I tried it, I gave it a chance
I put forth effort yet
No matter how many times you taste the same ingredient over again
If you do not like it that fact won't change.
263 · Oct 2021
Lost (DRAFT)
Alexis K Oct 2021
Who am I?
I am the girl who lined her ducks in a row.
I am the girl who laminated her high school graduation plan.
I am the girl who hung the requirements above her bed.
I am the girl who cried the first time she got a C on a test.
I am the girl who has tried so hard her entire life.
I am the girl that everyone used for notes.
I am the girl that kept the class afloat.
I am the girl who always knew what she wanted.
I am the girl who had it all figured out.
I am the girl with a plan.
I am the girl who attended three schools at once.
I am the girl who graduated with honors in a technical school.
I am the girl most likely to be successful.

Who am I?
I am the girl who decided to go to college during the pandemic.
I am the girl who thought I would regret waiting.
I am the girl who thought I would graduate in four years.
I am now the girl debating dropping out.
I am the girl who has given up.
I am the girl who is tired beyond belief.
I am the girl being rejected.
I am the girl who is failing.
Failing to stay afloat myself.
Failing to meet the requirements.
I am the girl who is doing well but not enough.
I am the girl who has forgotten.
Forgotten how to live, laugh, and enjoy life.
I am the girl who is stressed.
I am the girl that adults tell to relax.
I am the girl who has lost herself.
I am the girl with no identity.

I am the girl with no identity.
Because my entire life was future-based.
Because I was the most likely to succeed.
Because I did everything in my power to be the best.
Because I still was not doing enough.
I am the girl who was supposed to be an inspiration.
I am the girl who was considered lucky because I always had a plan.
Now I am the girl who is lost.
258 · Apr 2019
That Love
Alexis K Apr 2019
I am inexplicably excited to experience that love.
The love my mother had with my father.
The love that movies are made from.
The love that poems derived from.
The love that songs are based on.
The love the is irrevocable.
The love that is idolized.
The love the joins two.
The love that is true.
I am inexplicably excited to experience that love.
253 · Dec 2021
Never
Alexis K Dec 2021
Everyone thinks "ah, it'll never happen to me"
A tragic accident.
Thank god, it'll never happen to me.
An unthinkable loss.
Man, if that ever happened to me...
A joyride gone wrong.
A day that never ends.
A fatal diagnosis.
A single doubt that takes out balance.
But that will never happen to me.
Right?
I guess we'll wait and see.
249 · Apr 2024
Sick Fantasy
Alexis K Apr 2024
Sick indeed.
But a fantasy it would be.

Follow me home...
Rip my heart from its chest.
Dismember my body,
So I can be free.

A fantasy of choice,
Not taken by me.
"How to sign up to be a murderers' next victim?"
247 · Sep 2023
"Im fine"
Alexis K Sep 2023
When my need to be held
Meets my crippling fear of being taken cared for
241 · Sep 2024
Animal
Alexis K Sep 2024
If I was an animal,
I would be a cat.

Not because they're agile and fast.
But because we hide our pain.
We prefer to crawl into a small spot,
And quietly hurt, than to cry out for help.
233 · Jan 2021
Untitled
Alexis K Jan 2021
I sit alone in my car
and the music is blaring
so I can scream all the lyrics
soaked with the pain I'm feeling
232 · Aug 2021
Not Trying Enough
Alexis K Aug 2021
I know you're trying,
But your trying hurts just as much.
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