I am so inexplicably scared for what lies ahead.
This is too specific of a dread.
What I do not know could **** me,
Yet I don't have a clue what I don't know.

I am sorry.
I can't imagine what my life could be.
Let alone what it looks with both you and me.

I wish I believed that it would all work out in the end.

I wish I didn't feel so alone in a crowd of people I know.

Finally, I've arrived.
My heart and mind can now rest.

If only my arrival wasn't equally my departure.

My body
If I could control it,
If I was fully aware,
I would stop my heart from pumping.

Free my soul.
From this flesh prison
That keeps me down.

Mother
              Father
                           Child
                                       Sacrifice
                                                      Devotion
                                        Family
                            Love
               Endless
Death

Will he think of me?
Every face I've made?
Every morning's goodbye kiss,
And every night's I love you's that he'd miss?
Will he think of his brethren?
Those standing next to him?

When his job is to lay on the grenade,
And all you want is him out of harms way.
You begin to pray.
May God protect every man and woman who protects me.
And send mine home to me every time.

I think you'd be proud of me.
I own a house, and a car.
I live in a neighborhood that waves to you just because you're their neighbor.
I just wish you could be here.
18 years doesn't seem too long when I barely knew you.
But the rest of my life sounds forever.
Forever until I can see you again.

Its been a long day,
so excruciatingly hard.
I've been put through the ringer and back
In this never ending day.
Now that its coming to a close
I cant wait to go home and be in his arms.

The warm embrace that awaits me is what keeps me going.
The safety and smell within his arms
Is all I have wanted all day.
I finally get home,
To remember I am alone.

Because his arms are occupied these days.

"I'm getting bullied by my wife." He said.
His voice was soft, his tone was light.
It was joke, no harm was in sight.

I just smiled and walked away.
But I begin to wonder.
Should I have stayed?

I've imagined it a thousand times.
Hoped for it more.
Sometimes I lay awake at night,
Coming up with different scenarios.
I imagined myself having a stroke.
I even imagined overdosing.
And then compulsively looked up if I could do such a thing on my medication.
I guess I'll be here a while.

"I would never miss your wedding!"
Too bad it wasn't your choice to make.
If only we had it earlier today.
Before you had been taken away.

Whom hasn't been loved before.
Who hasn't learned to accept it.
Doesn't believe himself worthy of it.

I am excited.
To see the softness in your eyes,
As you realize just how much I love you.
I am honored to love you how you never knew you needed.

Have you ever grieved a relationship...
One that hasn't actually happened?

One you've hoped for,
Dreamed for even.

To grieve my person
While they stand beside me holding my hand...
Is a wild experience.

I wanted everything.
With you.
I want none without.

And though you want me,
It's not the same.
It's not enough.

I ask for something...
You say you'll give it.
Then you forget.

I ask for something...
You say you'll give it.
Then you give it to the person next to me.

I want everything with you.
You want everything.

How do I grieve what I can't have?
Never had with you,
Yet dreamed in my head...

How do I accept your love,
The way you want to give it to me?
When I want so much more?

I guess I just have to let that dream go...

Fifteen years old and pregnant
Just a child yourself.
Your big doe eyes wide
As you proclaim you’re doing what’s right.  

God will help you
He will lead the way.
This baby being brought to us
Will be in good hands.
For it’s not just a child
But soon to be grandmother and aunt

Sunday I worked early in the morning. I did nothing more.
Monday I went to school, then to my hotel where my keycard wouldn't open my door.
Tuesday I competed in my contest, thought I did quite well.
Wednesday we got the results and I went swimming. Turns out I didnt do so swell.
Thursday I went to school again, then I went to work. I learned night shift.
Friday I didnt have school, so instead I did nothing but sit.
Saturday I worked the morning then sat down to write. I still dont know what I'm writing or if this a good bit.

When you are [suicidal],
Every single item runs through your mind.
Of course first its the medicine cabinet.
And then the guns.
Before the knives, razors better yet.

Rope will cross your mind,
But then again so will a cotton tie.
The steering wheel has always been in the back of your mind.
After you live alongside it, you begin to imagine more.

Today I notice:
A small sewing needle laying idle on my desk.
I notice the way it is thin and easy to swallow,
Just like my morning goulash of meds.
I notice how it's small but not small enough.
Not small enough to not puncture my organs.
Small enough to swallow.
Large enough to not come back.
And when this thought crosses my mind I imagine:

I begin to choke,
It hurts just like my entire life has stung.
It sears me from the inside out.
I know it's the end.

Blood spurts up and out my throat.
My eyes burn with the last tears I'll ever cry.

I see myself gripping my throat, instinct kicking in.
I imagine the feel of the needle making its way down,
Slicing me alive.
Or Maybe getting stuck.
For my choke and die.
I see the life drain from my own eyes.

And instead of distress when this came across my mind.
I felt at ease.

I am having such a hard time.
My life is young and I have decades to decide
How I exactly want my life.
But I cannot imagine my life past today.
I can only imagine my life this way.

I cannot imagine myself with grey hairs.
I cannot imagine my husband and children in my house.
I cannot even imagine the house we would call home.
I cannot answer the typical questions:
"Where do you see yourself in five years?"
Logically I know that I would be graduated.
I would be married by then,
And even living with my husband.
Yet my answer is "just like I am today."

I cannot see, imagine, or fathom my life after today.
Yet I have always planned for it anyway.
My future is so unclear to me
And so thank you, for seeing me in yours.

Everyone says I'm thriving.
When really I am drowning
just barely making ends meets
Rushing and rushing and pushing and pushing
finally done
except I'm not.
It's never done it's never over
and I have to keep pushing
when all I want to do is sleep.

And nobody really knows
just how much I'm trying to float
but its doesn't really matter
because even if they knew,
there'd be nothing they could do.

So I just have to keep pushing
until next week,
next week will be better
but then next week comes.
And I tell myself I just have to get through this week.
Next week will be better.
Tomorrow will be better.
Except it won't.

Suddenly the gorgeous blue sky is making you mad
Suddenly the wind in your hair reminds you of what you can't have
Suddenly you can see yourself laying on the road in front of you
Suddenly your friends make you tired
Suddenly the alcohol doesn't taste as good and the high is gone
And suddenly, you're in a low.
And you feel like going slow.
And you don't care to know.
And you just wanna go.
Home.

My brother is the epitome
Of doing just barely enough.

My sister is the epitome
Of not giving a ****.

I am the epitome
Of growing up too fast and taking on too much.

Yet I am not enough.

I have a problem.
You see, I am that type of person.
The type of person who cannot handle their own issues.
And pushes them to the side burner.
I ignore my own problems to help others with theirs,
and they never have a clue that my *** of problems is causing a fire right in front of their eyes.

I am the type of person who can smile as if my world isn't crumbling around me.
So that you can unload your problems onto me.
I have a problem.
Where I do not think my problems are issues
and they do not need to be addressed.
Simply because I tell myself "It's really not that bad."
and
"Others have it worse."

I am the friend that everyone goes to but sometimes,
I want to be left alone.
So that maybe I can deal with my own *** of problems.