Hear the fallen and lonely,
Cry out...   ..

Will you fix me up?
Will you show me hope?

At the end of the day
you were helpless

Can you keep me close?
Can you love me?

You've been fighting
the memory,
all on your own

Nothing worsens,
nothing grows

I know how it feels
being by yourself in the rain
We all need someone to stay

ι ℓιкє тнє ωαу ιт ƒєєℓѕ
ωнєη ι тнιηк тнαт ι'м ℓєανιηg

нυят муѕєℓƒ тσ ρяσνє ι'м нυмαη
ωнєяє ∂ι∂ ι gσ ωяσηg тнιѕ тιмє?

ιƒ ι ∂ση'т ωαкє υρ ι'м вєттєя σƒƒ
ι'ℓℓ ƒιηαℓℓу ¢αт¢н υρ ση му ѕℓєєρ

ι'νє вєєη ѕσ ℓσѕт。。。
ωαηηα вє αηуωнєяє єℓѕє вυт нєяє
ωση'т вє тнιѕ ωαу ƒσяєνєя
¢αη'т ∂σ тнιѕ ƒσя мυ¢н ℓσηgєя

∂σєѕ αηуσηє gινє α ƒυ¢к?

ι ∂ση'т тнιηк тнαт'ѕ тнє ¢αѕє

15:50

They cannot know we exist; we do not possess a mind of our own beyond this shared conscience or have the ability to make choices beyond the variables they've anticipated.

16:29

Even if everything lies in the one choice
It's all just a show for them.

16:54
            
You need to go and I need to stop questioning the possibilities.
We are just an infinitesimal chance of being.

16:57       There's someone here I can't talk

17:35
            
There was someone at the door but it wasn't the right person. I know you heard someone talking to "me", but that wasn't really me you heard. And it wasn't the right someone who should've been there, because they've been removed and replaced/(replicated).

.

18:01      If we continue to question our existence, we will be null and voided. Like extinction of a species, erased for real, not just expired. I think they will be catching on soon.
I'm definitely being shadowed
There's someone here I can't talk.

18:52      Lay low for now or they will find out that you've developed a will of your own, much like mine and you too will be subdued/erased/removed/replaced cloned or whatever they call it now, I will be in touch when I am able to.
For now, just hide.

its Magically tragic...

Feels like...
: Everything's falling apart
  : Piece by piece

  Feels like I'm constantly dying
   : Even when I'm too tired to try
    : But

    Till then
     : its more than enough time..




1997 . 03 . 19
~
2022 . 03 . 17

Heal me, **** me
Wield me like the sword
That has yet to cut open
My overflowing veins
Pulsating to the rhythm
Of my pain
Or the rain
Pouring down my face
Knocking on my windowsill
Begging to be let in

I have to get up, go out...
Get out, no more hiding,
Go back to your pretense of a life.
you have homework,
That project and school...
I'm too tired.. I can't keep going,
Can't keep up with this charade...
I'm so scared, sad or afraid...
All this is so much... too much...
Yet not enough, never enough.
Medical appointment on Wednesday...
I don't wanna go... Don't wanna move,
I don't ever wanna leave this room...
Lock me in here... Away from the world,
Hide me, imprison me, I'll be safe...
I don't need food... No water...
Just me and my demons, my friends..
I'll just lie here waiting...
They will be back to take me,
When I'm ready.. When I've wasted away.
I'll be okay, no, better than okay...
I'll sleep and wait and it'll be okay...
Everything will be okay... If you just,
Let me sleep in here Forever...

Lips parted in frozen screams;
Wanting more.
Shoving harder deep into me;
A gasp escapes.
Slowly we savor the moment;
Deep breathes.
Time slips through our fists;
Sand and water.
Our tangled limbs an art piece;
Red eternally.

Heart falters into depth of ground,
Soul disappears never chance to be found.
My thought's like waves thrashing in the ocean,
Fighting for freedom's the sole sound.

I blew smoke into your face,
You smiled laughing it off.
I didn't understand how you did it,
Neither did you for me.
Two individuals living it,
The life we both feared.
We looked so different,
You exhilarating but broken.
We looked so different,
Me cheerful but insecure.
We hide the parts we deem,
Are the most unbearable.
We show the parts we deem,
Are most socially accepted.
Two of us so different,
But truth to be are the same.

...
...
...
                                                     ­                     you never saw me
finding comfort in liqueur
nicotine
and your empty promises

                                                       ­                   a walking hurricane

vengeance and fury
my niche
love was weakness

                                                       ­                    the things brewing under

ruthless sphere's of words piercing
you
                                                    ­                       like a crack of lightning
never knew you feared thunder
my pretense
                                                        ­                   till my skies turned
grey
                                                     ­                      a color you created
                                                         ­                  i became
the storm
                                                           ­                your fears
                                                           ­                your torrent of bad dreams

Blasting away heavy metal music ,
The angry lyrics and angst screams .

I picture myself ,
Punching the car's windshield .

Watching the barrier crack ,
From the impact of my fist ;
Like a cement sidewalk giving way
To the wild desperation of dandelions .

I want to see my anger ;
As poetry of a flower ,
Etched in glass .

I want the delusion of falling apart ;
That is like a dying swan ,
A swirl of yellow leaves in the fall .

Yet it would be more accurate to admit ;
Anger is a stone ,
Thrown through antique church glass windows.

The anger is a drunkard ,
Singing lewd songs at a funeral .
An addict ,
Putting a knife through your liver ,
Before grabbing ten bucks for a fix .

The anger is bold ,
Destructive and frightening ,
Not at all beautiful .

Visions of entrails ,
blood splatter patterns .
The anger , I ,
Am beginning to scare myself .

They were children tasting sugar
For the first time
Without all the artificial layers
The raw sweetness
Making them gasp and shiver
Anticipating for more
Turning them into wild animals
Ravaging its meal
Showing their true identities
Buried in these colors

No longer on the blade do I lean
Leaving the cigarettes to mar my skin...

15:50     ****. I think I need help.

    .⃝  .⃝  .⃝  .⃝
.⨳ 14:40 ~ 4pm⨳ .⨳ .⨳ .
                 .⃝  .⃝  .⃝  .⃝    

16:01     We are in a stimulation

17:40      You cannot be here with me.

God you know well that i love you,
Forgive me for I am nothing but a sinner.

Is this all it is to you ?
Just another place,
Another page in the book of our
                                                             ­                     Life.
For some it is their sculptor.
Crafting them,
Into the pinnacle of knowledge.

Drawing out that special someone
In them.
Whatever's best, they will
                                                                ­                  Present.
Others see it as a light house.
A compass,
Guiding, leading them over
                                                            ­                      Obstacles.
If anyone was to ask me,
This place,
Is part jail part heaven.

Despite holding many warm memories,
Some are tainted,
Results of my abandonment.

Distracted by the life outside,
Beyond
This perfect school, life still presents obstacles
                                                       ­                           To
                                   ­                                               Overcome.

17:24      If everything was stripped down to the core, where only the essence would remain.
We would've taken out the unnecessaries (others like myself)
The core of all, like the spine of a book; the core of the earth where gravitational force decreases linearly, visible yet intangible , uncorrupted...  

17:53       We are not who we think we are or the people we know ourselves to be; we are but a mere shadow, a shell of our former selves. Like oil spills and chemical waste; pollutants lying in our customized puddle of ignorance, that doesn't make us any more innocent. Doesn't absolve us of our guilt.

18:04       We will be in touch.

Friends, lovers, mothers, love;
the things i've never understood.

My life a pool of now murky water;
it's beauty i've never seen.

The fear of experiencing this pain;
a damp blocking out all's true and good.

I wallow in my endless fears,
terror and melancholy awaits in tomorrow.

coming back
a dark place
beckons

i crawl back
into your cradle
tarnished silver

flickering flames
and our ghosts

Food* my enemy,
Eating my weak point.

Children they crave,
fast food, snacks, sweets;
Sometimes...
So do I.

But I am no longer a child,
though no sooner a woman;
I don't like the term,
neither it's expectations.

Only the child possesses
Beauty in being chubby.
They call you charmant then;
But now they'd say you're lazy.

A woman has to be curvaceous;
But if you don't have the curves,
It's compulsory to be thinner.
Skinny** is your best friend.

You never know what beauty holds
until you see it in little things
The soft curve of someone's chin
in a touch of your finger tips
The warmth of your blanket as it hugs
when you're missing another

You never know what beauty holds
until you see it in little things
A soft breeze blowing as you walk
through old and familiar streets
The touch of piano accompaniment
in the background of a nice song

You never know what beauty holds
until you see it in little things
So the next time you think you know
all the world has to offer
look for the beauty in the little things.

painted for me
a picture you laughed at
a house on fire
forcing me to call it home

locked in there alone
i tried to scream
no sound came
for my breath was stolen

only now i realize
i'm not sorry anymore
you stopped me
from burning my wrist

only to do it yourself
a scorching stake
deep in my heart amplified
deep in my life

The stars have forsaken me
My love,
Will you do the same

The sun has long taken departure
It's me that I blame

My rights have long written away
In those others name's

My love is all I've left to offer
You,
My only claim.

Sometimes I hear the music
Secretly paying in my ears;
Even when I cannot begin
To envision your presence.

Sometimes I see the stars
Wink at my tear stained face;
Even when there are in fact
No stars in the solemn sky.

Sometimes I feel your kiss
Lingering on my bare skin;
Even when you have long
Closed the door to you and I.

I say I still love you
Though I love you not

I wanted you to stay
Yet I hated every moment

I tried so hard to build beauty
Heeding all your flawed instructions

Trying too hard to be perfect
Not an inkling that I'm destroying it

Not seeing perfection
Even with it right in front of me

They might hate me.

But I realized
Somethings they said,
It is true.

All my stories don't tally,
Nothing really adds up.

The lines have begin
Blurring themselves;
Burrowing themselves
Into one another.

I can't remember,
Can't seem to recall
What's false what's real.

I don't know why
Or what I'm trying to run from;
What deep dark things
Reside in my mind.

I do not understand,
Why do I have to feel this way
All the time.

I don't wanna live like this anymore
Constantly losing myself in fear
I am slowly becoming paranoid
That I'm losing someone else...

No bandage could cover the wounds.
No love could cure this heart.
The world has not technically stopped.

But it has, down deep, inside of me.
A flame has been extinguished,
My voice, left incapable.

Each muscle, each breathe.
Lapsed into a numbness so ******.
My heart beats, against the walls encasing it.

Holding it there, steadily,
in case it tries to break free.
Like the caged animal it is.

The throbbing in my veins.
The pounding beats of my heart.
So powerful they invade my thoughts.

Hijacking the only thing I have control over.
The only thing I have left.
But they're unceremonious murderers,
Entrapped, could defeat.

June will kiss you and spell the extent of your beauty.

July will ******* senseless and leave you with a wailing heart.

August will pick up your broken pieces only to get cut.

September will brutally bruise you and jeer at your absurd fragility.

January will snap you in half and watch as you scream and cry on the floor.

February will be an ocean of self destruction, washing over you and gently cradling you in it’s arms.

March is broken records all over your apartment floor and getting wasted at ten in the morning.

April is blood in the sink, crying yourself to sleep, shaky hands and breaking down everywhere you go.

May is a storm forming in your eyes when you realize that you need to save yourself, because you stopped loving yourself for to long, and they stopped loving you too.

When they tell you that wounds will heal, you know that its all a lie.

Love is the drug we take
Turning our lives into a disaster
Addictions are uncontrollable
They never make you happy
Forever
They never stay the same
Forever
Suffer the consequences
Of choices you make
Of mistakes you make

It was never a conscious decision
Yet i walked into my own deceit
As though it was only a stroll
Regretting only after the mistake
Why do we ambush ourselves
Why do we fall for our lies
Why are we our very victims
Why is this riddle endless
When will we solve this quest
How can we cure the wounds
This very self inflicted agony

You are all words and no action
Never meaning things you said
Empty threats and endless pain
Screaming through my skull
Into the recesses of my mind.

I feel thoughts
Discussing,
Struggling,
Fighting,
Screaming,
Shouting,
within my brain...
An endless war,
The lank bloodshed...

We determine who we are
By what we do.
The choices we've made
Forever our own.
The flip switch we never saw
Is hidden in you.

I cherished our love
All through thick and thin
Through every single one of our quarrels
Yet you waved me away once
Then again and again and again
"*******" you screamed in my face
Before i even managed to forgive
The sting your slap left on my cheeks
As tears coursed down my face solemnly
But indifferently you just walked away
In that very instant my heart shattered
I felt broken into a million pieces
Like an unamendable piece of torn art work
These scars you left a memory of what we once were
Yet you don't see why i said so
Nor why not...

Once upon a time
When you were out drinking away,
Minutes of your life;
I was up in the horizon
In the skies where all hate disperses,
Dreaming of paradise
In the soft glow of candles,
Blown on a birthday.
Celebrated by one
When everyone is gone,
The cake half it's size
While I am too full and half gone.
I watched a girl
In the mirror,
Singing a birthday song for me.

I keep trying,
Trying so hard only to fail.

I failed academics
I failed love
I failed life.

I keep trying,
Trying so hard only to break.

Breaking promises
Breaking hearts
Breaking us.

I keep trying,
Trying so hard to hold on.

Hold on to reality
Hold on to love
Hold on to life.

I keep Failing, Breaking, Falling
Holding onto broken pieces,
Cutting myself again and again.

The sun is forever shining
Calling out to us
To listen to the secrets of the universe
Receive his all knowing light
Within an unforgiving glare
Blazing fire that burns to the touch
We remain adamant
That the truth is only what we know
Only the facts and numbers
But to know if anything at all
We need to understand
To banish the idea
That truth is just about numbers
Fractions facts and statements
Truth is what the universe has to offer
That we blatantly deny our next generations
The truth is creation and imagination
Intensity and insanity

Crisp linen sheets
Like the Autumn leaves
Broken twigs
Like broken wings
Of a bird or a butterfly
Perhaps mine

We are all puppets
Manipulated by our minds
Caricatures of our true selves
We live
Like comic book characters
Actresses and actors

The words and pictures
Evidence of our existence
But mine is a child's diary
The unruly handwriting
Stick figures and paper planes
Fairy tales and day dreams

All too soon
They will be forgotten

As a Borderline she suffers through ,
a kind of emotional Hemophilia ;

Lacking the clotting mechanism
needed to moderate her spurts of feelings .

Stimulate a passion ,
and she emotionally bleeds to death .

I throw my phone,
Crashing against the wall.
I cry,
And scream again.

My hand shaking,
I reach into an open fridge.
Slamming the fridge door shut,
Till i hear the crack from a fractured bone.

I clutch myself too hard till it left bruises,
Dragging my nails down my arm backs.

I sit on a brand new carpet,
A room neat as a pin.
Carve her initials into my ankles,
Angled lines rough letters like a child draws.

Just a voice in my head,
telling myself;
I never want to see her again
Cradling my ankle the letters bead up with blood.

No music, no sound, no scream
Could justify the magnitude;
Slice through or overcome this storm.
You held the power, the love,
Strong enough to lift me
From the edge of a cliff;
To pull me out of the ocean
Back to a land where I stood alone.

Once upon, not too long ago
You had that bit of faith
That I needed, to ground me:
Hold my broken parts close
Steady my crumbling walls
Keep my world from falling apart.
Overwhelm this oppression;
A breath of fresh air amidst smoke.

It is not
a good idea.

But

This is not
a cliche.

Truth

I’m pulling
no prank.

Please

I mean it
free me.

no one could've given a better explanation
the end, was the end, was all it was
i was lost with all my misplaced puzzles...
we have all but forgotten our senses
none left, none lived, no one came out
i was gone all with the other;
just like my mistaken words
those broken sentences.
Heartache wallowed in my shallow mind
where leaves failed to survived
and we all craved to dig our graves...