You don't know me.
I read books, listen to music, watch movies, meet friends.
I cook, I bake, I drink,  sometimes to much.
I learn new things, sometimes not enough.
I work, eat, sleep , repeat.
I draw, I wirte, I exercise.
I try to date to the date.
I have good days and I have bad days.
I struggle everyday, more than you can see.
I do all these things, trying out new ways to be me,
  that you know nothing about.

Now you don't get to look down on,
Don't you dare try lecturing me.

For you left when I was a child
and didn't care to visit.
Now you're back in my life
but it's not for my good, is it?

I owe you nothing.
Keep your distance.

who are you
to stand in my way so steadily
said the woodpecker
to the tree

Missing out or
being left beind
which is worse?




As if you had the choice ...

Today
The world didn't want me
Up about
And walking in it

Now
All I can do
Is
Try to go back to sleep

And hope
For a better future
A kinder tomorrow

So you're going then?
Yes I'm leaving
... me behind, again.
For some time, I'm coming back .... I think
Why are you doing this? What are you looking for?
Experience, Purpose, Answers, Determination
 Love, Life, Death,
Memories of the future
and whatever all of that summs up to
It hurts to see you go.
I know,but you know what?
...
It means it has been real
It means it has been worth it
;

Aufstehen, von der Sonne geweckt

der erste Kaffe steht bereit
Katzen die sich in Gärten strecken
du liest ein Buch, das tu ich auch
die Hängematte, schwingt zwischen den Tannen
Tauben zirpen, Zickarden gurren
dein Eis schmilzt und tropft
sonnengebleichte Haare steht in die Richtung des Windes
braungebrannte Haut schwitzig, später salzverkrustet
Sonnencremduft, an uns
Pommes rotweiß an den Fingern, klebrig
die Sonne blendet, ist  schon okay
Wellenrauschen, tobende Kinder kreischen
Sand zwischen den Zehen
du neben mir auf dem Handtuch
gemeinsam dösen
gehen wir nochmal rein?
Gösser, der letzte Schluck
ein bisschien zu warm
Dämmerung Barfuß auf dem Fahrrad
Lagerfeuerrauch in Augen und Nase,
blaue Flamme Knack zisch
weinrotgefärbte Lippen, Zungen so schwer wie der Kopf
Zeitlos

Bis morgen!

It feels like
Finally

They pushed
Me

Once
Too often

Working in gastromony taught me some things
in life
everything gets more intense

when you add a little salt

:)

I'm good
most of the time
I'm in control
I'm satisfied, I can feel happines

But sometimes a feeling comes crashing over me
out of nowhere
triggerd
like when you finish a good book
the end credits roll
of a movie all so beautiful
emptiness sitting on your chest so heavily
I can't cry
no release granted
"pain demands to be felt"
my heart breaks, my mind trying to keep up
my heart can't keep up, my mind breaks loose
emptiness
the despair of ficitional characters
familiar but strangers all the same
not real but reality to me
I care for them, being dead inside
"face death, deal with it or lose yourself"
the last page is turned
the story stopped
all are dead and yet alive
in me
not enough room, make way

I try to numb it out to get back in control
whisky burns my lips
smoke scratches my throat
whishing for release
lose it, keep it tucked in forever
though I feel, finally
alive
I want to punish myself
I lose control for good
emotions bundle up to the surface
make up for time lost before
drunk texting
regret in the morning after
I need to express myself
to you, to anyone, get it out
there is no one here

Weltschmerz
pain of the world
all in one
tiny little heart so fragile
I'm made up of stories

My friend can I come over
I'm in that mood again

Ready your tea cups and bring out the biscuits,
chaps,
it's time for gossip.

What's it like,
being happy witout a care?
.
A puppy in the sun

I wanted to be healthy
to be happy, to be loved,

to stay kind whatever the struggle

None of it worked out

You could smell the sun rising
Before the first rays touched you
Before the light reached you
To chase away the stifness in your joints
The coldness in your bones

An open promise
Of warmth spreading back into the world
Chasing away the dark,
Bringing back it's colour
Once more

I open up my mind
Let in a little light
Breathe deep
To feel alive again

I'm gonna need you to listen to me
I know it's hard
Believe me I know it's hard
and very selfish of me to ask
But I need you to try

Try with all your little might and heart
with all the breath your lungs can muster

I need you to be brave
to feel the fear but not go numb from it
Breathe,
in and out
Keep trying and keep failing

You might feel sick,
that's okay
You might feel weak
and yes you are,
that's okay too

But you're never worthless
don't ever believe it, don't give in to the voices
Shove them back, let them roar
Believe me you can roar much louder
if you have to, need to
take breaks but never stop

Go on
don't ever give up on life,
whatever be the pace, always go on
Never hide yourself from the world
You hear me?

It matters, it really does
you matter
if not to you than at the very least to me,
to lots of people actually wether or not you believe it
whether or not you can see

So stick around for the nexts
the next round, the next day
Please don't leave me
I'm begging you
Do it for yourself, or do it for me

Just do it,
please just stay
just hold out out
just
a little longer.

the victim
the accuser
or the perpetrator

a scheme
a cause
or a result

one great plan
the cycle of life
or  a random mess

everything
nothing
a matter of perspective

theirs
or
yours?

Words just seem to come to me
on the fly
materialize out of nothingness
macigally.

If they feel like it
that is,
They're a bit picky.

Till I find an order that sits just right
in my head
Although it might no seem that way to you.

I guess it's called style.

When I work I burn out
when I stop working my mental issues surfcace again.
When I go to therapy my life is nothing but work and mental issues.

"Be the good you want to see in other people"
oder so

- was Ghandi sagt

Feels cold now doesn't it?
The flame almost went out.

Question is, are you here to rekindle
or to put a boot to the embers?

I shall be remembered not by success and accomplishment
but by the kidness I gave to others.
I shall be recalled by my brightest laugh,
  the dimples of my cheeks
As a steady shoulder to my friends,
  an open ear to their stories.

But first things first
If you can do it, I too
can live.

I don't care about anything
don't bother me
leave me alone

there will always be a little of that
left in me
my last resort

I smoke cause the hole in my chest can never be filled,
I work out tirelessly cause I can never be enough

So when I go to bed at night
I can beat myself up over smoking to much and lifting to little.

I keep running, moving, pushing,
gaslighting myself.
Chased by the fear
that the moment I stop moving
I'll be falling back into that hole.

That grey bottomless pit
Where nothing goes in or out
Where nothing matters anymore
x times gravity to the ground

I'm a ticking time bomb,
implosion is inevitable
A strong urge to lay down,
to

Just give up

Mom,
you taught me
taught me by example.

To be your honest and most authentic self.
Which made it hard for me to be myself.
I didn't know who I was anyway.
But now I see you are holding yourself back for me,
holding back the questions that must be killing you,
to ask,
"Are you okay, is my child happy?"
The fears of getting left (again), of being unworthy of love.
The fear you inherited, as did I.
Did you fail everyone?
Are you here with me listening, or is your head back in your mothers kitchen?
You have to fight for every word from me.

You taught me to hone my perception, to watch, to listen, to learn
To appreciate living life which always seemed the most beautiful to you,
no matter your circumstances.
You saw things in the sun, the flowers and the birds,
the way clouds shape forms and the wind dances in the trees.
Life was always worth living to you, without question.

So now I notice the tears in your eyes everytime we meet.
I notice how you dress up prettier than to any date you ever went to in the past, just for me.
That you wear the little black bracelet I gifted you to your birthday on a wimp, picked up fom a market stand, passing by ages ago.
It doesn't really go with much,

I notice that you have to swallow your pride and
practically beg for my time, a glipse of my life
chase me, drive me into a corner so I can't evade you
Just so I can keep mine.
It hurts me too to see.

I can't give you what you want,
You hurt me growing up, helped mess me up,
triyng to help
I've always been lonely, always alone, isolation became comfort.
I needed a mother. Someone to take care of me, guide me, force me.
Yes, fight me cause I was the enemey. And I was fierce.
But you couldn't. You were still looking for answers yourself.

I couldn't wait for you to finally find them.
I had to go on, go through without you, build my own stability.
So I build many walls brick on brick, and I stacked high.
Even more between us, thicker than blood.
Because a mothers word is like a sledge hammer.
It breaks through wether you like it or not.
Always hits home, my neglected, angry, lost, little heart.
The world always seemed to much for me.

Yesterday a friend held me and didn't let go, let me escape,
Another let me rest in her lap and went through my hair.
The last time I had that and accepted it...
I can't remember
It's already hard to allow myself peace, worse even love,
but almost impossible to ask for it.

I'm slowly healing now, dancing through streets,
singing along to music so the neighbours can hear
Being my most authentic self without any forcing or faking.
Bringing out my innocent, cheeky childlike side to the light.
A honest smile without hiding the sadness in my eyes.
Trying to be brave to try and evantually fail again.
To walk the world and not look down, nor avert my gaze,
run and hide away.

I'm meeting people who support me, encourage me, push me.
Ther are so few of them, who care.
Maybe to few.
I'm still not very good at it. But it's getting better.

Opening up would still mean breaking my heart and yours too
it would mean hurting you, bringing you to tears again.
I don't want that.
You've been hurt enough, I've hurt you enough.

I can't take care of you. I can hardly do so for myself.
I'm still unable to cry for myself. Even when I try to push it.
I don't think things will ever be okay. I don't think we will ever have a family. That's not brokem.
But that's okay.

Honestly I don't think I really want to be fine.
I don't want to be fixed.
It's a part of me. This is me.
It has been for such a long time, I wouldn't know what to do without it.
It is my strenght and my weakness, my anchor and the strom.
My cage that I'm trapped in. Locked from the inside.
It feels safer here. I get to be in control for the most part.

I'm sorry mom,
I'm trying.
But some things can't be undone. Some things stay broken.
It's in the cracks where I  can find the most beauty in life.