Wrong day, wrong start
Wrong clothes, wrong hair, wrong voice
I'm scared
Wrong moves, wrong words, wrong thoughts
To loud, to bright, to much
Can't stay
I need to get away
Don't talk to me

Kind thoughts, self talk
Forced
Avoid all mirrors, avoid all triggers
So any input at all
Hide in your room
Closed curtains, cold showers
Something bland to eat
A comfort show on in the background, on repeat

Wait till the day is over
Go to sleep
It's okay

But what if tomorrow looks the same?

One day, at the children's faire
You find yourself stuck at the mirrors cabinett

Out of sight of your parents
You follow your friends
Walk beside them like you always did
But all of the sudden there is no room for you left besidse them
"Just have to walk behind them then"
You think

Spaced out for a moment
They just went straight ahead
In confindence and innocence, unbothered
But stepping where they stepped
You hit glass
"What's this now? I don't want this"
The road is blocked for you
While others just continue to walk on by

Your face, a slightly damp reflection
Shows suprise, anger and irritation
It looks scared
"Why can't I just go on, like they are?"

Okay then, you think
"I'll just have to find my own way now"
After taking a break
Crying and whining for weeks
"He missed school, whatever happend to him?
Let's write a get well soon card"
Getting further and further away from them
Being left behind really hurts
"Don't you love, me what did I do wrong?"

Sure you can call out, you can scream and shout
And struggle all you want
Adults have a word for that, he's "acting out"
Maybe some even will wait for you, for a while
Try to help and understand
The fewest do, and only for so long
They can offer you a hand
Before they have to turn away, go back to their own lifes
You're holding them back
Can't you see?

There is much excitement a little up the way
Once you're out of the labyrinth
Promises of popcorn and sugary delights
Of first nervous dates and bumpy faire rides
Blinking lights and short harmless frights
Nobody wants to stumble at the starting line
When it's about finishing the race in time

Life is decided in moments
A bag of decisions and "things that just happend to me"
To carry along, as long it's not to heavy
As long as it's not pulling you down
Deep underwater in darkness you will drown
Just struggeling to breathe normally
While watching others run marathons
From your enclosed space

Always watching your refelcetion in the mrror
Looking back at you, judging you
Which side is real?
Who hates whom more?
Try to ignore the panic building up inside
Transforming in time to fear, to anger, sadness,  self pity
To loneliness, hate and then just emptiness
Full cicle

Did you fail the game or did the game fail you?
For how long can you hold out, stuck in the same place
With nothing but promises and a hole in your tummy
Eating yourself up from the inside out?

I wrote this back then
Thinking of you
It's not my best work
But I thought I'd try
I don't know


Maybe you'd like it

Am I a boy or am I the man?

I've been so fixiated on getting it right
When life is really about getting it wrong sometimes
Over and over
Don't overthink it, let's just try that again
Hitting walls head first for an epiphany
Until you figure it out

It's not about avoiding the mess
Ir's abot going through
Come up for air once in a while
When you need to
Take a break

We can make sense of things in hindsight
When we're old and have the time
To be a little more than none the wiser

Double standarts left and right
I like a man who knows what he wants
Who knows how to **** but not **** around
Emotional available, mature
A little silly maybe, but not insecure

Take the lead and take what he wants
You take the leap for me, bear the risk
I'll watch and judge
Respectfully degrading
Know all the subtleties, get the que right and act fast
Never get it wrong, always right
Don't mansplain to me
Get away you creep
Wait, I like your jawline

I like nice
But only sometimes
In theory
When I have to force it out
You know, like the minimal amount?
He's so full of red flags
Oh my gosh girrrrrrrl you gotta get out
Gotta have something to talk about, later
...
My X is typing

Oh come on don't be boring
Oh are you crying?
xD, lol, screenshot saved
How lame, who's next?

Yes you can have a soft side, need to even
For her to exploit
But only the right kinda soft
The right kind of weak

Don't dress for the male gaze
Fat shaming is wrong
I grow hair where I want
It shouldn't define my atractivness
Societies norms are wrong
So how tall are you?

Guess we all **** each other
Up

Just joking of course
You're so tense, lighten up, be chill
You don't have to take everything so personally you know
We're just playing

Get your knives out
Get your grandads pitchforks
Today we march and march
No more benefit of the doubt
They had it coming, they did
With all their lies spread around
Can't trust the media
Get your facts straight, check your sources

Time to carve, time to shout
We'll be heard, we'll be loud
For love, for peace, for the motherland
To right past wrongs
Against the pale opression
We do it for the kids

Get up, get out
We hit the streets tonight
Dig in lemming before you starve
It's time to follow the one true voice
In blindness we walk
Eyes shut, don't look up
Only kick down, push back left and right

Listen only to the voice
Everyone else is lying to you, using you, manipulating bunch
Fella can't even say what he thinks anymore
Around these parts
We'll make it right

So only trust me, all you have to do is
Follow, don't think
Do as I say, jump Simon says
Off with ya, off the cliff
Have a nice flight
Make out a way for me
To walk upon
Piled up lifes, a mountain of bodies

So I'll get out
Richer still
Pawn to E4
#Atruebeliever
"Necessary sacrifice"

Don't forget to pick up my dry cleaning

I'll give it to you
If you earn it

Collecting tear drops in a swimming pool
The drip, drop on demand
Round and round it goes
But never away

No runing allowed around here
No jumping from the sides
Salty water wept in time
Turns to dust
Maybe as in star but more likely as in dirt

Sweat it out, squeeze hard
Nourish me
The pool remains empty
You take the plunge still
For me, you give
Head first to the concrete
Thick red to fill what's empty
You went heavy on the lipstick

Sweet screams I wanna hear
Loud and clear
Prove yourself
I am a god, to you
I require a sacrifice

Embrace me
But cut off your ugly parts first
Take off your head, your arms, your legs
Give your liver too and your heart
I am hungry for more
Lay em all out for me to discard
Premium cut, main course

It's time now
Take the jump

I'm watching