Mom,
you taught me
taught me by example.

To be your honest and most authentic self.
Which made it hard for me to be myself.
I didn't know who I was anyway.
But now I see you are holding yourself back for me,
holding back the questions that must be killing you,
to ask,
"Are you okay, is my child happy?"
The fears of getting left (again), of being unworthy of love.
The fear you inherited, as did I.
Did you fail everyone?
Are you here with me listening, or is your head back in your mothers kitchen?
You have to fight for every word from me.

You taught me to hone my perception, to watch, to listen, to learn
To appreciate living life which always seemed the most beautiful to you,
no matter your circumstances.
You saw things in the sun, the flowers and the birds,
the way clouds shape forms and the wind dances in the trees.
Life was always worth living to you, without question.

So now I notice the tears in your eyes everytime we meet.
I notice how you dress up prettier than to any date you ever went to in the past, just for me.
That you wear the little black bracelet I gifted you to your birthday on a wimp, picked up fom a market stand, passing by ages ago.
It doesn't really go with much,

I notice that you have to swallow your pride and
practically beg for my time, a glipse of my life
chase me, drive me into a corner so I can't evade you
Just so I can keep mine.
It hurts me too to see.

I can't give you what you want,
You hurt me growing up, helped mess me up,
triyng to help
I've always been lonely, always alone, isolation became comfort.
I needed a mother. Someone to take care of me, guide me, force me.
Yes, fight me cause I was the enemey. And I was fierce.
But you couldn't. You were still looking for answers yourself.

I couldn't wait for you to finally find them.
I had to go on, go through without you, build my own stability.
So I build many walls brick on brick, and I stacked high.
Even more between us, thicker than blood.
Because a mothers word is like a sledge hammer.
It breaks through wether you like it or not.
Always hits home, my neglected, angry, lost, little heart.
The world always seemed to much for me.

Yesterday a friend held me and didn't let go, let me escape,
Another let me rest in her lap and went through my hair.
The last time I had that and accepted it...
I can't remember
It's already hard to allow myself peace, worse even love,
but almost impossible to ask for it.

I'm slowly healing now, dancing through streets,
singing along to music so the neighbours can hear
Being my most authentic self without any forcing or faking.
Bringing out my innocent, cheeky childlike side to the light.
A honest smile without hiding the sadness in my eyes.
Trying to be brave to try and evantually fail again.
To walk the world and not look down, nor avert my gaze,
run and hide away.

I'm meeting people who support me, encourage me, push me.
Ther are so few of them, who care.
Maybe to few.
I'm still not very good at it. But it's getting better.

Opening up would still mean breaking my heart and yours too
it would mean hurting you, bringing you to tears again.
I don't want that.
You've been hurt enough, I've hurt you enough.

I can't take care of you. I can hardly do so for myself.
I'm still unable to cry for myself. Even when I try to push it.
I don't think things will ever be okay. I don't think we will ever have a family. That's not brokem.
But that's okay.

Honestly I don't think I really want to be fine.
I don't want to be fixed.
It's a part of me. This is me.
It has been for such a long time, I wouldn't know what to do without it.
It is my strenght and my weakness, my anchor and the strom.
My cage that I'm trapped in. Locked from the inside.
It feels safer here. I get to be in control for the most part.

I'm sorry mom,
I'm trying.
But some things can't be undone. Some things stay broken.
It's in the cracks where I  can find the most beauty in life.

Here we go again
step by step
this time it's different I say
things have changed, I've changed
I think to myself
again

I stop, just a moment
I look up, same old road
I look down, old familiar steps
sunk in a bit deeper into the ground
I've been here before,many, many times

Game over,
try again
the only thing changing
is the passing of time and the pace of my steps

Can't outrun yourself
Maybe I should just lay down
watch the seasons go by

What's the point?
I've never stopped to question it before

To afraid to find answers

Und du gibst und gibst und gibst und gibst und gibst und gibst
Und du gibst und gibst und gibst und und gibst du gibst,
gibst und nimmst.
Und du gibst und gibst und gibst und gibst
und kriegst nichts zurück
Und du gibst und gibst und gibst
und sprichst, doch sie verstehen dich nicht, einfach wieder nicht, einfach widerlich.
Und du gibst und gibst
und so gibt es für dich, schon wieder nichts.
Und du gibst noch mehr,
und du verlierst dich,
findest dich nicht mehr,
Du existierst kaum noch,
Wie lange ist es schon her?
Es muss ein neues Kapitel her,
denkst du und gibst ihnen mehr.
Und sie erwarten es von dir,
Und danken es dir nicht,
ja verdammt siehst du es denn nicht?
So, so nutzen sie dich.

My past, the younger me
is watching, staring

While I reminisce,
look back and judge

I see me staring back.
A mirror on the wall.

Die Straßen ziehen vorbei
Licht an Licht wie fallende Sternschnuppen vorm Fenster.
Bei Tageslicht, Abenddämmerung, Sonnenaufgang
ein neuer Tag.
Bäume, Häuser, Felder,
Wälder

Die Materie meines Landes wiegt mich in die Schläfrigkeit,
geborgen
Das Buch in meiner Hand fällt in meinen Schoß
Immer noch dieselbe Seite,
bin immer noch nicht weiter.
Der Inhalt unverändert unbegreiflich
Mein Atem geht zum Rhythmus der Schienen unter uns.
Wir fliegen zusammen und doch bleibe ich allein.

Augen zu, Augen auf
du hast geblinzelt.
Ankunft, Abfahrt
du hast geblinzelt.
Auf ins Neue, ins Unbekannte
oder doch zurück zu alten Gegenden?
Durch die Entfernung wieder neu erlebt.

Kommst du jetzt wieder zurück?
Hast du genug bekommen,
Antworten gefunden auf die Fragen die du nicht fandest?
Die du nicht zu stellen wagtest?
Die dich trotzdem quälten?

Du warst zu lange fort,
deine Heimat ist noch hier,
aber Hier ist nicht mehr dein Hier,
längst ein anderer Ort.

Du wolltest alles hinter dir lassen,
gingest
trotz der Angst dann zu viel zu verpassen,
Hauptsache weg, weg von hier
dachtest du hättest nicht viel zu verlieren.
Allem entfliehen, Pause, Neuanfang
Ohne genau zu wissen was dieses Alles überhaupt war.

Hast du es nicht ausgehalten letztendlich
so ohne sie, die Anderen?
Im Nichts, im Nirgendwo auf eigenen Wegen zu wandern?
Einsam im Herzen hast du dich wieder verrannt
Im Herzen stumpf, die Seele verbrannt.

Nun kommst du wieder,
zurück,
um zu sehen was  noch übrig ist
Zurück zum Alten, Vertrauten, Selben
Wir sind aber nicht mehr die Selben
Du ja auch nicht.

Alles wieder etwas anders, verschoben
Wieder ein bisschen auseinander gelebt,
voneinander entfernt,
weitergemacht, natürlich, nur halt ohne dich.
Schade eigentlich.

Doch nun schließ die Augen, schlaf
Gestern war auch ein neuer Tag,
verronnen,
Morgen wird noch kommen.
Wer nie ankommt der reist für immer,
umher.

Naja, wenigstens auf Schienen,
und noch nicht entgleist.

Hi Dad,

I called to say I'm sorry
sorry for how I treated you growing up.
Sorry for never breaking the ice, never trying to go through your walls,
while putting up mine higher ,
while you were putting up with me,
my behaviour, all your care met with nothing but disrespect.

I dind't feel like I could reach you back then.
Trouble you with my worries and problems.
I didn't think I was allowed, saw no room.
You've never been the emotional available type,

yet you were the most caring nurturing, supporting and reliable person I've met in my life.
You still are.
You were a string of stability in my childhood and after.
You've never been an authority figure. It's a little like you took my moms place ,when she had to put her needs above mine.
But you were hard to reach, so restircted by your parents upbringing.
"Don't act out, behave, keep up your appereance, smile, be polite, and most importantly don't ever bother anyone"

You were working a lot too.
I spend so much time alone.

Can it be? You can't be direct with your emotions,
you don't say I love you,
You say you're very dear to me instead again and again
hoping that the message sticks.
You say "what about going outside for a change?", instead of "Your behaviour is unhealthy son. We're going to change it.

Words aren't your strongest suit, mine neither
so you switch to acts.
Acts of service and quality time.
So easily overlooked. Not apprecciated enough.
Used and taken for granted.

I took it for weakness back than, and yes I used you in so many ways.
Over and over I insulted your kindness.

You're a bit shy too aren't you?
Never been the bravest. We both struggle with that.
You don't take charge you wait till the time is right, till the stars align and things take their natural order.
And if the time doesn't come than it will simply never happen.
In life that means you're often left, left out, left behind with the scraps.
It's unfair. But you endured. You're patient.

How much did others take form you? How much time? You never learned to mark your limits. Hard to say no. People pleasing is a habit that sticks and leaves you vulnurable.

You seem stuck and torn between worlds as well.
Somewhere between working and middle class, between liberal and conservative.
Between the family you grew up with and my mother you choose.
And me in the middle, after the break up.

I'm sorry, Dad, for not valuing what you gave and sacrified for me on the daily.
For washing the pots I left in the sink bruned again and again.
For showing me the islands of the Atlantic ocean every year,
watching dolphines and whales in the sea.
For cleaning the floor and chasing me up and down all of these mountains till evantually I grew to love it.
For cooking me meals after a long day of work. setting the table,
just to wait for me never come to the table and watch the food go cold.
And eat alone.

I was busy hiding away from the world. It was to much for me.
I wasn't welcome anywhere. Singled out from the get go.
Before I could even begin to think.
You wanted to push me into the world, so I fought that.
Trying was to hard and I didn't have much encouragment to fail and try again. The pull of fantasy and untoachable, strong heroes besting every trouble was to strong next to realitys horrors.

You were always ready to give me your everything,
to scrape out the last bit of yourself so I could waste it and throw it away.
Your trust in me was infinite.
I only ever used you for it.
Couldn't see all the love and pain behind.

I know loneliness, but know I realize you must have lived it too.
You probably buried your troubles in your work, shouldering it all alone, trying to provide for my every whishes without me giving you many good things to come home to.
Yet you never choose violence or let your anger out on me.
Although I could feel the frustration. I practically bathed in it.

Without thanks or aknowledgement. You did it alone. You fought for your place in my life and you earned it times over.
Thanks to you and Mama I grew up without toxic masculinity.
That's worth a lot. Thank you.

I hope you find someone soon who breaks that shell, who sees and appreciates you fully. Who pushes you further than you've ever been. Shows you things of wonder you can't even imagine yet
Through adventure and life.
I hope you life a long, happy and peaceful life.
You deserve it.
I hope I can be around long enough to witness it and support you for once.
And not to be selfish again and choose to check out. I'm trying

I regret our relationship growing up but it makes sense to me. We we're both stuck in our circumstances and nature. I just hope I can make up for it now,
Show you that you nurtured something worth it all.
Raised someone you can be proud of.

I love you Papa, please take care of yourself.

The lesser know holy trinity

Bravery,
Cowardice
and Foolishness

And she said
I sentence you
To life
To happiness and suffering

And he said
I'll grant you an end
When it's over
I'll lay you to rest

God is  a metaphor.

A diary
for the broken ones and the fixed
for the yearning
the lost, the found, the loving
and the trapped
the free spirits of this world
and maybe the next

laid out before you
a map of it all

collect them
all these perfect little moments
hiding in plain sight
waiting to be found
keep em
but let them stay free

My only job in this world seems to be
to be pleasing and serving others
who didn't even ask for it
And they don't know gratefulnes
don't know how to appreciate what is given to them so freely
just take and want and demand  even more.

"They're just to young, they will learn, surely. I can
hold out just a little longer."
Till you're left behind all empty, all used up
bleeding out on the floor.
And yet still right where you started,
still lonely and now broken too.

Trying to hold in your spilling guts,
mending your shatterd porcelain pieces of mind,
licking your wounds in your corner.

Till you're ready to go again,
still desperate for a gesture, a touch, a smile
Any signs of validation of your worth
to others,
who will only ever take more from you.
You chase it like your next fix.
You can't help it anymore, it's a habit, you're hooked.

Cause you're so worthless, purposeless, utterly alone.
Just a kid lost in the mall, waiting to be called out
and carried back home where you belong.
Carried to safety.

I own what is given to me now.

Don't listen to the words
Listen for the meaning within
The intentions conveyed
Emotions quelled, bursting out
In a matter of melodic sounds

Behind curtains drawn
Before thick brick walls
Stacked high
Yet fragile
There they are waiting

Listen to all the noise
The whispers
Unspoken out loud
And you might gain
A piece of the puzzle

Rejoice
For the world lies before you
Like an open book
In a library of many more
It's secret yet to be discovered
Spread out before you are
All of it's wonders

I replaced depression with indifference,
and indifference with hyperactivity

What happens if I stop moving?

Today I created liquid poerty,
that no one understands
or cares for, no one asked.

Still it made the news,
which made a spot on my mothers fridge,
which made my day.

Once this menu is gone
my creations will be forgotten forever
or worse reinvented under a false name
by another, ignorance chasing originallity.

I poured my all out for nothing,
gave it all away for some recognition, basic respect
and now I'm all used up,
I've served my purpose.

Time to go, to be replaced and left behind
with nothing
but some blurry bittersweet memories
of lost bonds and time wasted,
and a bit of  sad leftover pride.

Oh to do it all again, and lose yourself
in the service of others.
Back than when my energy was infinite,
to move without bounds is magical.

I wish my mind
were a land to walk upon
each part another landscape,
each emotion another season
my mood controls the light

Consciousness and subconsciousness
present and past
open and buried

Like trasures in a fantasy dungeon
to dig up and discover
let's make it an adventure

I wish to walk these lands
with you
togehter we might understand
me

Finally

Growing up

Living without anyone to lean on, to depend upon
without someone to trust
I grew strong yet I am so weak
I grew independent, detached from the world
Always on the verge of breaking, tumbling down
hitting the ground.

Don't get up,
listen
it's not worth it, not wort the pain
It's never getting better
never goes away
Happiness, heart, love
all lies,
Constructs of a world that's not meant for you,
not for me to thrive in.
There are no flowers blooming here.

I need to vent
when it gets to much in the back of my neck
the preassure presses me down
clawing, gnaling, biting into my flesh
Voices in my head, getting louder and louder
a chorus of mine, but no
they're so mean, this can't be me.

What is, who, when for what, and what, why, why?
Oh, to bad, time's up ,
You gotta function again
gotta head out, get to work, get it done then
Yes, Hi how are you? Yes, thank you. I'm fine.
All is fine in the world, have a nice one,
goodbye.

And the voices come back, they're always there
sometimes they're loud,
sometimes lost in the backround somewhere
They're out for what you owe them,
things you put aside for later,
well later is now, payday, Whatcha gonna do?
They're taking out bits and bits till nothing's left.

Hi Dad, it's me
I'm nothing, I'm left
I act, act out, act it out
I need control, so
I go over board, over it all over again.

Till I find my moment, my space
A breath of fresh air,
In and out, for a minute or two
Finally
some Peace

In and out
In all these minutes or two
days, months even becoming years
and still counting,
who is still counting, counting on you?
All of this in this cruel world
this ****** up beautiful mess

That you brought me into.

Do you ever watch yourself becoming someone
you don't wanna be,
don't wanna end up as,

But you can't help it, can't stop it
just try to hold on
because of other peoples actions?

Staying kind while going through life is hard
I am the monster you created

I'd let you be part of my life more.

If you would stop being so desperate for it,
clinging to me like a parasite,
a scavanger picking at every bone I rid,
always meddling in our lifes alike.

So instead of letting you in I build my walls up higher,
grow colder every time.

Growing up I learned to protect myself from you,
from the damage your love could do.

But have you tried happiness,
peace of mind,
A healthy soul?

I stood still for a moment,
my bad

I've forgotten how it felt
When I don't busy myself
all the time
When I don't cloud my mind
with insignificant things

I'm burned out to the foundation
The easiest tasks are mountains to climb
with no energy left, nor appettite or joy
There's a  constant weight on my chest
a hohle in my tummy,
and a heart beating so fast
for a body this numb

It beats "you're not good enough"
my breath whispers "pathetic"
my hands scream "how useless"
without the energy to make a fist.

Gravity is a merciless foe
pulling you down, inevitable
Sleep means unconsciousness,
not rest
At least a little peace

I do my best to give you the love you deserve
to show you what you're worth
as no one did before

I'm scared  tho of my growing indifference
You're begining to annoy me
when I should be welcoming your love
As you love me like no one has ever done before
like I've  been wanting to be loved
Wanting
for all the time stuck up in my room,
Selth loating, piting myself
"pathetic," in ,"pathetic" out

my bad,
it's a losing game

If I don't find a table to sit at
soon
A group of people, a place where I belong
who support each other
someplace where I am appreciated and sought out
with a purpose and a role to play

I don't think I'm gonna make it.

But I don't know how
I've never learned
and I'm running out of time.

I feel like I missed out on a lot,
a lot of potential lost
over the time,
due to circumstances

Always on the outside spectating,
speculating how it would be
to scared, frozen in place by fear to try
never truly part of something
nver part of the picture

Always trying to stay safe,
yet still hurt in the end
pathetic to myself
politely overlooked and set aside
I was nobodys priority, except for my parents
who could never seem to help either

There seems to be something wrong with me
or maybe wrong the world, or both
makes no difference in the end
a failure from the start
I'm different but not special, not the good kind

I'm there if needed, reliable, dependeable
although lost I'm your guy
hard working, compromising, sacrificing
to earn my worth, my space
I lost my health, my joy, my innocence
no boundaries in place

Full of fears, of origins long forgotten
surviaval instincts that might have saved me then
but are ony a hinderance now
trapped in my bubble, my cage

Trying my best to stay still, to stay put,
stay quiet
they might not notice me here,
avioding the occasional rattle,
a poking from the outside

Being unable to risk means being unable to enjoy your life
which makes me lost
soon
a lost cause

Actors are super human
They can feel on demand
On repeat

Kann man eine Beziehung führen
Ohne sich dabei selbst zu verlieren?
Seine Selbstständigkeit aufgeben,
Um miteinander
Zusammen auf zu gehen?

Wo setze ich meine Grenzen
Damit es funktioniert
Und nicht kaputt geht?
Damit ich nicht an dir,
Mit dir zu Grunde geh?

Wieviel kann ich abgeben?
Wie viele Kompromisse bin ich bereit einzugehen?
Von Zufriedenheit zu Glück zur Liebe
Oder immer im Kreis
Wieder von vorn?

Hallo,
Schön dich zu sehen,
Na dann, auf Wiedersehen
Wieder alleine sein,
Lieber alleine bleiben?
Muss das so sein?

Gehört das Wirklich dazu?
Wenn achtzig Prozent stimmen,
Dann ist es perfekt
Sagen sie
Kannst dich glücklich schätzen
Welche achtzig genau?

Wer bin ich überhaupt?
Ohne dich , mit dir, nach dir?
Was will ich, was brauch ich?
Was weiß ich,
Schon?
Nichts davon

War da mehr bevor oder nachdem wir uns trafen?
Vor oder nach den ersten drei Monaten,
Dem ersten halbem Jahr,
Nach drei, nach sieben
Fünfzehn, dreißig ...?

Werde ich je Gewissheit haben?
Das es das ist
Das du es mir wert bist?
Bin ich schon angekommen,
Oder sollte ich weitersuchen?
Bekomme ich Klarheit, ohne dich dabei zu riskieren?
Dich zu verlieren?

Bleib bei mir,
Sieh mir nicht ins Gesicht
Komm mir nicht zu nah,
Aber bitte warte noch,
Bitte
Verlass mich nicht

Vor Gedichten und Gedanken
Weichen alle Schranken.

Freiheit sitzt dahinter, dort,
Jenseits der Verzweiflung
Wahre Freiheit ist:
Nichts mehr zu verlieren zu haben
Außerhalb von Halt
Singend, nicht schreiend
Im freien Fall.

Das macht sie so gefährlich.

Fallende Hunde bellen,
Laut.
Sie beißen zu,
Hart
Und oft ins Leere.

Ich falle auch,
Nur singe ich nicht,
Ich schreie auch nicht,
Bin lange schon verstummt

Fallende Hunde bellen laut
Und ich glaube ich verstehe.

[Marcus] Some feelings
are like old familiar friends.
Depression's like that for me.

When I'm not in it, I don't remember it.
I remember it's bad.
I remember the darkness,
but it's… different to feel it again.

It's the difference between
remembering what a room looks like
and actually walking through the door.
Being inside it again.
Feeling it.

When the episode starts,
it can be slow at first.
An intrusive thought,
"I don't wanna be here,"
but then it's gone.
You bat it away like a fly or a bad smell.

When it hits you fully though,
when you're really in it, it's everything.
It's who you are, you're nothing else.

On the outside, you look the same,
smiling and pretending is so much work,
but inside, it's a different story.

You start to hate yourself.
You're so alone, so unbelievably alone.

And you can be with someone you love,
but you're not really with them.
We think we know what's going on
with other people, but we don't.
You never really know what's going on
inside someone else's head.
Everyone's fighting a battle
you can't see.
We all have blind spots.

And you know it's you.
It's something wrong with you,
and it's also exhausting.
So ******* ****** and exhausting,
and it's helpless.

It's a void,
and existing takes so much energy,
you wanna sink into a hole of nothing
where no one talks to you
and you don't have to smile or talk or be.

Anyway, it's familiar.
I've been here before,
gotten out of it before,

but the getting out part
becomes the room that you remember
but aren't in.

And that's what's scary.

I just want to be able to cry again
why can't I cry anymore?
When did that happen?

I just want some relieve
Please
just for a little bit

My inner child
is still here
with me
watching

Staring blankly into space
his eyes tired, arms drooping
yet his legs still dangling in the air

Looking up
a quick flash of a sad smile, crooked
he looks so thin, so weak
it's hard for me to bear

He's beaten
but still here
with me
still has hope

Waiting for a better future
that's yet to come
to make it all worth it

I'm telling him,
telling you, really
to give up,
look away
this part isn't for you to see

This part of my life
has  lost all it's innocence
what has choosing to stay kind
really given us in the end?
What have we gained?

It's not a pretty sight,
quite emberassing really
I don't believe yet here I am
still holding on,
to something

Survival isn't supposed to be pretty

There's no time
to turn my worries into poetry
to build a structure
frame it
hang it up nicely

It has to come out, out, out
come out now

Although most people are quite nice to me
I'm still always expecting them to be mean
to hurt me
again
like they used to do
fulfill my expectations

It's kinda funny

I get nervous when I have to meet someone
new
Why is that?
I'm shaking, heart is racing, hands are sweating
I can't get anything done beforehand
but have to keep myself busy
so I won't go crazy

Killing time till the time comes
to be late
to be nervous
can't be myself,
to scared to be bold
let the akwardness unfold