Hi Dad,

I called to say I'm sorry
sorry for how I treated you growing up.
Sorry for never breaking the ice, never trying to go through your walls,
while putting up mine higher ,
while you were putting up with me,
my behaviour, all your care met with nothing but disrespect.

I dind't feel like I could reach you back then.
Trouble you with my worries and problems.
I didn't think I was allowed, saw no room.
You've never been the emotional available type,

yet you were the most caring nurturing, supporting and reliable person I've met in my life.
You still are.
You were a string of stability in my childhood and after.
You've never been an authority figure. It's a little like you took my moms place ,when she had to put her needs above mine.
But you were hard to reach, so restircted by your parents upbringing.
"Don't act out, behave, keep up your appereance, smile, be polite, and most importantly don't ever bother anyone"

You were working a lot too.
I spend so much time alone.

Can it be? You can't be direct with your emotions,
you don't say I love you,
You say you're very dear to me instead again and again
hoping that the message sticks.
You say "what about going outside for a change?", instead of "Your behaviour is unhealthy son. We're going to change it.

Words aren't your strongest suit, mine neither
so you switch to acts.
Acts of service and quality time.
So easily overlooked. Not apprecciated enough.
Used and taken for granted.

I took it for weakness back than, and yes I used you in so many ways.
Over and over I insulted your kindness.

You're a bit shy too aren't you?
Never been the bravest. We both struggle with that.
You don't take charge you wait till the time is right, till the stars align and things take their natural order.
And if the time doesn't come than it will simply never happen.
In life that means you're often left, left out, left behind with the scraps.
It's unfair. But you endured. You're patient.

How much did others take form you? How much time? You never learned to mark your limits. Hard to say no. People pleasing is a habit that sticks and leaves you vulnurable.

You seem stuck and torn between worlds as well.
Somewhere between working and middle class, between liberal and conservative.
Between the family you grew up with and my mother you choose.
And me in the middle, after the break up.

I'm sorry, Dad, for not valuing what you gave and sacrified for me on the daily.
For washing the pots I left in the sink bruned again and again.
For showing me the islands of the Atlantic ocean every year,
watching dolphines and whales in the sea.
For cleaning the floor and chasing me up and down all of these mountains till evantually I grew to love it.
For cooking me meals after a long day of work. setting the table,
just to wait for me never come to the table and watch the food go cold.
And eat alone.

I was busy hiding away from the world. It was to much for me.
I wasn't welcome anywhere. Singled out from the get go.
Before I could even begin to think.
You wanted to push me into the world, so I fought that.
Trying was to hard and I didn't have much encouragment to fail and try again. The pull of fantasy and untoachable, strong heroes besting every trouble was to strong next to realitys horrors.

You were always ready to give me your everything,
to scrape out the last bit of yourself so I could waste it and throw it away.
Your trust in me was infinite.
I only ever used you for it.
Couldn't see all the love and pain behind.

I know loneliness, but know I realize you must have lived it too.
You probably buried your troubles in your work, shouldering it all alone, trying to provide for my every whishes without me giving you many good things to come home to.
Yet you never choose violence or let your anger out on me.
Although I could feel the frustration. I practically bathed in it.

Without thanks or aknowledgement. You did it alone. You fought for your place in my life and you earned it times over.
Thanks to you and Mama I grew up without toxic masculinity.
That's worth a lot. Thank you.

I hope you find someone soon who breaks that shell, who sees and appreciates you fully. Who pushes you further than you've ever been. Shows you things of wonder you can't even imagine yet
Through adventure and life.
I hope you life a long, happy and peaceful life.
You deserve it.
I hope I can be around long enough to witness it and support you for once.
And not to be selfish again and choose to check out. I'm trying

I regret our relationship growing up but it makes sense to me. We we're both stuck in our circumstances and nature. I just hope I can make up for it now,
Show you that you nurtured something worth it all.
Raised someone you can be proud of.

I love you Papa, please take care of yourself.

Mom,
you taught me
taught me by example.

To be your honest and most authentic self.
Which made it hard for me to be myself.
I didn't know who I was anyway.
But now I see you are holding yourself back for me,
holding back the questions that must be killing you,
to ask,
"Are you okay, is my child happy?"
The fears of getting left (again), of being unworthy of love.
The fear you inherited, as did I.
Did you fail everyone?
Are you here with me listening, or is your head back in your mothers kitchen?
You have to fight for every word from me.

You taught me to hone my perception, to watch, to listen, to learn
To appreciate living life which always seemed the most beautiful to you,
no matter your circumstances.
You saw things in the sun, the flowers and the birds,
the way clouds shape forms and the wind dances in the trees.
Life was always worth living to you, without question.

So now I notice the tears in your eyes everytime we meet.
I notice how you dress up prettier than to any date you ever went to in the past, just for me.
That you wear the little black bracelet I gifted you to your birthday on a wimp, picked up fom a market stand, passing by ages ago.
It doesn't really go with much,

I notice that you have to swallow your pride and
practically beg for my time, a glipse of my life
chase me, drive me into a corner so I can't evade you
Just so I can keep mine.
It hurts me too to see.

I can't give you what you want,
You hurt me growing up, helped mess me up,
triyng to help
I've always been lonely, always alone, isolation became comfort.
I needed a mother. Someone to take care of me, guide me, force me.
Yes, fight me cause I was the enemey. And I was fierce.
But you couldn't. You were still looking for answers yourself.

I couldn't wait for you to finally find them.
I had to go on, go through without you, build my own stability.
So I build many walls brick on brick, and I stacked high.
Even more between us, thicker than blood.
Because a mothers word is like a sledge hammer.
It breaks through wether you like it or not.
Always hits home, my neglected, angry, lost, little heart.
The world always seemed to much for me.

Yesterday a friend held me and didn't let go, let me escape,
Another let me rest in her lap and went through my hair.
The last time I had that and accepted it...
I can't remember
It's already hard to allow myself peace, worse even love,
but almost impossible to ask for it.

I'm slowly healing now, dancing through streets,
singing along to music so the neighbours can hear
Being my most authentic self without any forcing or faking.
Bringing out my innocent, cheeky childlike side to the light.
A honest smile without hiding the sadness in my eyes.
Trying to be brave to try and evantually fail again.
To walk the world and not look down, nor avert my gaze,
run and hide away.

I'm meeting people who support me, encourage me, push me.
Ther are so few of them, who care.
Maybe to few.
I'm still not very good at it. But it's getting better.

Opening up would still mean breaking my heart and yours too
it would mean hurting you, bringing you to tears again.
I don't want that.
You've been hurt enough, I've hurt you enough.

I can't take care of you. I can hardly do so for myself.
I'm still unable to cry for myself. Even when I try to push it.
I don't think things will ever be okay. I don't think we will ever have a family. That's not brokem.
But that's okay.

Honestly I don't think I really want to be fine.
I don't want to be fixed.
It's a part of me. This is me.
It has been for such a long time, I wouldn't know what to do without it.
It is my strenght and my weakness, my anchor and the strom.
My cage that I'm trapped in. Locked from the inside.
It feels safer here. I get to be in control for the most part.

I'm sorry mom,
I'm trying.
But some things can't be undone. Some things stay broken.
It's in the cracks where I  can find the most beauty in life.

I wanted a little colour in all the grey
And red
Like in blood and fire
Not in autumn leafs and wine

I thought that could have been you
Now we're back to monochrome

Here we go again
step by step
this time it's different I say
things have changed, I've changed
I think to myself
again

I stop, just a moment
I look up, same old road
I look down, old familiar steps
sunk in a bit deeper into the ground
I've been here before,many, many times

Game over,
try again
the only thing changing
is the passing of time and the pace of my steps

Can't outrun yourself
Maybe I should just lay down
watch the seasons go by

What's the point?
I've never stopped to question it before

To afraid to find answers

The lesser know holy trinity

Bravery,
Cowardice
and Foolishness

My past, the younger me
is watching, staring

While I reminisce,
look back and judge

I see me staring back.
A mirror on the wall.

A diary
for the broken ones and the fixed
for the yearning
the lost, the found, the loving
and the trapped
the free spirits of this world
and maybe the next

laid out before you
a map of it all

collect them
all these perfect little moments
hiding in plain sight
waiting to be found
keep em
but let them stay free

And she said
I sentence you
To life
To happiness and suffering

And he said
I'll grant you an end
When it's over
I'll lay you to rest

Kann man eine Beziehung führen
Ohne sich dabei selbst zu verlieren?
Seine Selbstständigkeit aufgeben,
Um miteinander
Zusammen auf zu gehen?

Wo setze ich meine Grenzen
Damit es funktioniert
Und nicht kaputt geht?
Damit ich nicht an dir,
Mit dir zu Grunde geh?

Wieviel kann ich abgeben?
Wie viele Kompromisse bin ich bereit einzugehen?
Von Zufriedenheit zu Glück zur Liebe
Oder immer im Kreis
Wieder von vorn?

Hallo,
Schön dich zu sehen,
Na dann, auf Wiedersehen
Wieder alleine sein,
Lieber alleine bleiben?
Muss das so sein?

Gehört das Wirklich dazu?
Wenn achtzig Prozent stimmen,
Dann ist es perfekt
Sagen sie
Kannst dich glücklich schätzen
Welche achtzig genau?

Wer bin ich überhaupt?
Ohne dich , mit dir, nach dir?
Was will ich, was brauch ich?
Was weiß ich,
Schon?
Nichts davon

War da mehr bevor oder nachdem wir uns trafen?
Vor oder nach den ersten drei Monaten,
Dem ersten halbem Jahr,
Nach drei, nach sieben
Fünfzehn, dreißig ...?

Werde ich je Gewissheit haben?
Das es das ist
Das du es mir wert bist?
Bin ich schon angekommen,
Oder sollte ich weitersuchen?
Bekomme ich Klarheit, ohne dich dabei zu riskieren?
Dich zu verlieren?

Bleib bei mir,
Sieh mir nicht ins Gesicht
Komm mir nicht zu nah,
Aber bitte warte noch,
Bitte
Verlass mich nicht

My only job in this world seems to be
to be pleasing and serving others
who didn't even ask for it
And they don't know gratefulnes
don't know how to appreciate what is given to them so freely
just take and want and demand  even more.

"They're just to young, they will learn, surely. I can
hold out just a little longer."
Till you're left behind all empty, all used up
bleeding out on the floor.
And yet still right where you started,
still lonely and now broken too.

Trying to hold in your spilling guts,
mending your shatterd porcelain pieces of mind,
licking your wounds in your corner.

Till you're ready to go again,
still desperate for a gesture, a touch, a smile
Any signs of validation of your worth
to others,
who will only ever take more from you.
You chase it like your next fix.
You can't help it anymore, it's a habit, you're hooked.

Cause you're so worthless, purposeless, utterly alone.
Just a kid lost in the mall, waiting to be called out
and carried back home where you belong.
Carried to safety.

I own what is given to me now.

God is  a metaphor.

Stille
Einmal kurz durchatmen
Die einzige Leerstelle im Gehirn
Die ich mag
Schön, dass du da bist
Schön dich zu sehen
Hier bei mir

Viele Kleinigkeiten machen ein Leben aus
Wir sammeln sie
Geben weiter und nehmen mit
Tragen uns gegenseitig durch die Welt
Bis zum letzten "Aus"

Und doch zerbrechen wir uns den Kopf bei den großen Dingen
Zumindest wenn sie groß klingen
Lasst uns trauern
Zwischen gemeinsam und alleine
Lasst uns feiern, lasst uns essen
Am Ende muss man lernen
Immer weiter zu machen
Weiter zu leben

Schon wieder etwas verloren
Jemanden
Auf dem Weg gelassen
Schon fasst vergessen
Schon wieder etwas mehr allein
Aber nur scheinbar

Vieles geht im Alltag unter
Großer wie Kleines
Manche Dinge kommen wieder
Manche schleichend und leise
Manche plötzlich, schreiend, laut

Lasst uns einen Moment verweilen
Hier und jetzt
Zusammen schweigen
Tritt ein *******zurück
Und lausch
Betrachte das Ganze
Schau was du sehen kannst von hier

Genieß den Ausblick
Solange du magst
Und dann komm langsam zurück
Zurück zu mir

Today I created liquid poerty,
that no one understands
or cares for, no one asked.

Still it made the news,
which made a spot on my mothers fridge,
which made my day.

Once this menu is gone
my creations will be forgotten forever
or worse reinvented under a false name
by another, ignorance chasing originallity.

I poured my all out for nothing,
gave it all away for some recognition, basic respect
and now I'm all used up,
I've served my purpose.

Time to go, to be replaced and left behind
with nothing
but some blurry bittersweet memories
of lost bonds and time wasted,
and a bit of  sad leftover pride.

Oh to do it all again, and lose yourself
in the service of others.
Back than when my energy was infinite,
to move without bounds is magical.

I replaced depression with indifference,
and indifference with hyperactivity

What happens if I stop moving?

I wish my mind
were a land to walk upon
each part another landscape,
each emotion another season
my mood controls the light

Consciousness and subconsciousness
present and past
open and buried

Like trasures in a fantasy dungeon
to dig up and discover
let's make it an adventure

I wish to walk these lands
with you
togehter we might understand
me

Finally

Vor Gedichten und Gedanken
Weichen alle Schranken.

Freiheit sitzt dahinter, dort,
Jenseits der Verzweiflung
Wahre Freiheit ist:
Nichts mehr zu verlieren zu haben
Außerhalb von Halt
Singend, nicht schreiend
Im freien Fall.

Das macht sie so gefährlich.

Fallende Hunde bellen,
Laut.
Sie beißen zu,
Hart
Und oft ins Leere.

Ich falle auch,
Nur singe ich nicht,
Ich schreie auch nicht,
Bin lange schon verstummt

Fallende Hunde bellen laut
Und ich glaube ich verstehe.

If I don't find a table to sit at
soon
A group of people, a place where I belong
who support each other
someplace where I am appreciated and sought out
with a purpose and a role to play

I don't think I'm gonna make it.

But I don't know how
I've never learned
and I'm running out of time.

I feel like I missed out on a lot,
a lot of potential lost
over the time,
due to circumstances

Always on the outside spectating,
speculating how it would be
to scared, frozen in place by fear to try
never truly part of something
nver part of the picture

Always trying to stay safe,
yet still hurt in the end
pathetic to myself
politely overlooked and set aside
I was nobodys priority, except for my parents
who could never seem to help either

There seems to be something wrong with me
or maybe wrong the world, or both
makes no difference in the end
a failure from the start
I'm different but not special, not the good kind

I'm there if needed, reliable, dependeable
although lost I'm your guy
hard working, compromising, sacrificing
to earn my worth, my space
I lost my health, my joy, my innocence
no boundaries in place

Full of fears, of origins long forgotten
surviaval instincts that might have saved me then
but are ony a hinderance now
trapped in my bubble, my cage

Trying my best to stay still, to stay put,
stay quiet
they might not notice me here,
avioding the occasional rattle,
a poking from the outside

Being unable to risk means being unable to enjoy your life
which makes me lost
soon
a lost cause

Growing up

Living without anyone to lean on, to depend upon
without someone to trust
I grew strong yet I am so weak
I grew independent, detached from the world
Always on the verge of breaking, tumbling down
hitting the ground.

Don't get up,
listen
it's not worth it, not wort the pain
It's never getting better
never goes away
Happiness, heart, love
all lies,
Constructs of a world that's not meant for you,
not for me to thrive in.
There are no flowers blooming here.

I need to vent
when it gets to much in the back of my neck
the preassure presses me down
clawing, gnaling, biting into my flesh
Voices in my head, getting louder and louder
a chorus of mine, but no
they're so mean, this can't be me.

What is, who, when for what, and what, why, why?
Oh, to bad, time's up ,
You gotta function again
gotta head out, get to work, get it done then
Yes, Hi how are you? Yes, thank you. I'm fine.
All is fine in the world, have a nice one,
goodbye.

And the voices come back, they're always there
sometimes they're loud,
sometimes lost in the backround somewhere
They're out for what you owe them,
things you put aside for later,
well later is now, payday, Whatcha gonna do?
They're taking out bits and bits till nothing's left.

Hi Dad, it's me
I'm nothing, I'm left
I act, act out, act it out
I need control, so
I go over board, over it all over again.

Till I find my moment, my space
A breath of fresh air,
In and out, for a minute or two
Finally
some Peace

In and out
In all these minutes or two
days, months even becoming years
and still counting,
who is still counting, counting on you?
All of this in this cruel world
this ****** up beautiful mess

That you brought me into.

Don't listen to the words
Listen for the meaning within
The intentions conveyed
Emotions quelled, bursting out
In a matter of melodic sounds

Behind curtains drawn
Before thick brick walls
Stacked high
Yet fragile
There they are waiting

Listen to all the noise
The whispers
Unspoken out loud
And you might gain
A piece of the puzzle

Rejoice
For the world lies before you
Like an open book
In a library of many more
It's secret yet to be discovered
Spread out before you are
All of it's wonders

Bitter erinnere mich, daran
Wieder mehr wie ich selbst zu sein
So wie ich früher war
Als kleiner Junge zwischen Wiesen und Wäldern
Noch zu viel Angst vorm Fahrrad fahren

Erinnere mich
An jeder Pusteblume zu pusten
Knallerbsen zu werfen
Kastanienmänner zu bauen
Und Blütenschnäbel auf der Nase zu tragen

Erinner mich
An Flieder zu riechen und Sauerampfer zu essen
Gummistiefel zu tragen und in Pfützen zu hüpfen
Den Regen auf der Haut zu spüren
Schneemänner zu grüßen, Schlitten zu fahren
Und im Gras zu liegen, jetzt im Sommer
Den Blick zum Himmel gerichtet
Dort wo die Vögel fliegen
Zu jeder Wolke gehört ein Name
Zu jedem Stern

Erinnere mich bitte daran
Denn ich vergesse so schnell
Was wirklich zählt im Leben
Zwischen all ihren Regeln
Erinnere mich, damit ich wieder frei atmen
Und das Leben genießen kann

Although most people are quite nice to me
I'm still always expecting them to be mean
to hurt me
again
like they used to do
fulfill my expectations

It's kinda funny

I get nervous when I have to meet someone
new
Why is that?
I'm shaking, heart is racing, hands are sweating
I can't get anything done beforehand
but have to keep myself busy
so I won't go crazy

Killing time till the time comes
to be late
to be nervous
can't be myself,
to scared to be bold
let the akwardness unfold

I stood still for a moment,
my bad

I've forgotten how it felt
When I don't busy myself
all the time
When I don't cloud my mind
with insignificant things

I'm burned out to the foundation
The easiest tasks are mountains to climb
with no energy left, nor appettite or joy
There's a  constant weight on my chest
a hohle in my tummy,
and a heart beating so fast
for a body this numb

It beats "you're not good enough"
my breath whispers "pathetic"
my hands scream "how useless"
without the energy to make a fist.

Gravity is a merciless foe
pulling you down, inevitable
Sleep means unconsciousness,
not rest
At least a little peace

I do my best to give you the love you deserve
to show you what you're worth
as no one did before

I'm scared  tho of my growing indifference
You're begining to annoy me
when I should be welcoming your love
As you love me like no one has ever done before
like I've  been wanting to be loved
Wanting
for all the time stuck up in my room,
Selth loating, piting myself
"pathetic," in ,"pathetic" out

my bad,
it's a losing game

I'd let you be part of my life more.

If you would stop being so desperate for it,
clinging to me like a parasite,
a scavanger picking at every bone I rid,
always meddling in our lifes alike.

So instead of letting you in I build my walls up higher,
grow colder every time.

Growing up I learned to protect myself from you,
from the damage your love could do.

Hey,
so your mom called
She asked how you were doing

I said I wouldn't know for sure
I think you're doing oka(s)y
If you don't, you will in time
Sometimes it's hard to see what is going on in your mind,
you learned to hide it so well.
Underneath a face , a quick look, a smile
they becomer more real every time.

She seemed worried, tried to hide it, keep it in.
Something you learned from her maybe?
But you could just tell from her voice.
It shook for a second.
Breaking the everyday demeanour.

Then she asked me if her daughter still knows that she's beautiful. If I'd remind her for her.
You haven't visited in a while

I said mam, respectfully
the sun tries every day to shine a little brighter
to witness your daughter's life and warm her in her journey.
The moon puffs up it's chest, and pulls in the ocean over and over again
So your daughter can rest easier at night
And the stars soley come out to listen to her stoies and lift her worries in the dark

She impresses me more and more each day you see.
Your daughter is beautiful whether she wants to or not.
Through her looks, through her acts, her struggles
Her witts, her charm, her little faults her ... her, yes her everthing.
Her silly laugh, I'd recognize everywhere
She is one of the few true things I was ever lucky enough to experience.

Honestly she drives me crazy sometimes.
I admit sometimes, I have to slow down, fall behind and
Take a moment to breathe, to process.
Thinking I can't handle it, thinking I'm to weak, thinking I'm
not good enough.
I'm so scared of the possibility losing her someday.
Losing her trust, her heart, her interest.
I'm so scared of losing my ****. Apologies.
But it's true.

Looking at her, having her in my arms, waking up to her
I now understand
Life can get really scary once you decided to care and commit
As a boy I always pretended not to be scared, to be brave.
Now I feel like a boy again. But I must be a man.
For her.

I can't promise you her happiness,
I can't know if it will last
But I can promise as long as I'm here,
and the world is here,
she will never go alone.

Gefühlt
Werde ich Tag für Tag
Etwas asozialer

Entferne mich mehr und mehr
Von euch und eurem Wahnsinn
Das was ihr Leben schimpft
Oder noch schlimmer, "Norm"

Leider damit auch von dir
Mir
Dieses Ich, das ich immer sein wollte
Noch werden sollte
Aufstrebend, auf zu neuen Grenzen
Selbstsicher, kompetent
Der Horizont ist weit
Die Welt steht dir offen
The future is bright

Werd ich wohl alleine sein
Zurück bleiben
Wies aussieht
Naja
Bald bin ich frei
Von euch, von allem

Diese dreiste Ignoranz, Rücksichtlosigkeit
Ihr raubt mir sämtliche Energie
Du bist miserabel und saugst mir das Leben aus
Wenn ich könnte
Glaub mir, ich ginge nie wieder raus
Verlass bloß nicht dein Haus

Leider hab ich Bedürfnisse
Tja
Blöd gelaufen

Die Tage reihen sich,
in zu schneller Abfolge,
in zu vielen Reihenfolgen
Aneinander, auseinander
zu Löchern in meinem Kopf.

Eindrücke verschwimmen und verwischen,
Farben und Gesichter vermischen sich
Der Regenbogen am Himmel gestern ist heute schon weiß.
Ein Spektrum umgekehrt.
Namen sind Laute geworfen gegen den Wind,
gerade noch gesprochen und schon sind sie verflogen.
Wer warst du und wann
warst du gewesen?
Ich weiß nicht mehr wer ich war,
zu welcher Zeit an welchem Ort.

Weißt du,
ich spreche vom Ende der Zeit,
praktisch,
du von ihrer Unerreichbarkeit,
herrlich
Wer waren wir gewesen?

Gerade noch erlebt,
gerade noch gelebt
und schon sind wir vergangen,
so bleiben wir,
vergessen.

Endlich.

But have you tried happiness,
peace of mind,
A healthy soul?

Why does it feel like,
I have to fight off the world
and my body at the same time,
all the time?

Aren't we supposed to be allies
in this?
And why do I feel so alone
doing so?

I would give everythig right now
to be
nothing, no one
let go of my identity

Listening to circadas humm
lying in the shade of an apple tree
feel how the ground refelcts the heat
of the sun

Nothing left in my mind,
a steady merry heartbeat
as I drift away into slumber

No reponsibility
just peace of mind
and my chest so warm,
filled with wonder

I am free

Do you ever watch yourself becoming someone
you don't wanna be,
don't wanna end up as,

But you can't help it, can't stop it
just try to hold on
because of other peoples actions?

Staying kind while going through life is hard
I am the monster you created